12-31-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Waking up naturally
3. Paying bills
4. Cleaning and Laundry
5. Breathing
6. My Life, all of it
7. Movies that touch my heart
8. Chanting
9. Honoring and expressing my emotions
10. Unconditional love.

My dog wanted his own grateful list today:
1. My person being home today
2. My toys and my person playing with me
3. Crawling under covers
4. Running
5. Napping in the late morning . . . and again in the afternoon
6. Lying in the sun
7. Walks with my person
8. Scratches and pets and lying on my person
9. Being in only this moment
10. Barking

There's a lot I can learn from my dog's list. If I lose touch of what gratitude feels like, if I over analyze and get into my head about what it means or why it's on my list or start getting lost on what "should" be on my list rather than what I feel grateful for, I watch my dog find and lie down in the small patch of sun coming through the window. I can see his gratitude, he is so grateful it comes out of him in a peaceful thankful way as he lies down and enjoys the sun on his fur.
Love and Light.

12-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Cool weather
4. Sleeping well
5. My heart hurting
6. Loving friends
7. Having the office to myself this week
8. Arms and legs and hands and feet and body
9. Touch and hugs
10. Happy Hour

Am I grateful for existing? I don't know. I wasn't able to put it on the list. I was able to put my heart hurting on my list. I am grateful for feeling this. I feel a deep hurt and it feels like its in the center of my chest. A deep sadness/hurt. My heart wanting to grow and I feel like another part of me is squeezing it small. Or another . . . . memory? energy? What or who am I without my heart? What is wrapped so tightly around my heart that tears when my heart grows?
Love and Light.

12-29-11 grateful for today

1. Cool weather
2. My adorable dog
3. Loving my friends
4. Committments
5. Laughter
6. Being of service
7. My car running well
8. Joy
9. Writing
10. Expression

I had a hard time coming up with 10 things this morning. I feel preoccupied with some of my old buried feelings coming forward in me. My mind keeps telling me, "I don't know what to do with them." And my heart tells me, "Feel them. The gift is within feeling them fully." That bridge I've been asked to create between my head and my heart is feeling my feelings fully and witnessing for myself with understanding from my mind. My mind resists. I ask for help and guidance from the Light (Spirit/God).
Love and Light.

12-28-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Allowing my emotions to reveal my path to healing
3. Meditation
4. Chanting
5. Experiencing life
6. Wonderment
7. The beginners mind
8. Faith and trust
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Committment

I am tired today. I didn't sleep much last night. I had a big day. Yesterday during session a lot of buried emotion was brought forward and I made a big committment for the next 5 months. I feel hurt and sadness from a long time ago that I need to release. I didn't release it last night because I was tired and needed sleep. I didn't sleep. I didn't release it this morning because I needed to make sure that my therapist understood what happened so long ago. I don't fully understand. I'm not releasing it now because I am at work. This is the suffering I put myself through, putting off truly feeling this deep wound of hurt, to touch it lovingly, to give it air, because all of that means I will finally hurt deeply. I know I will survive hurting deeply. I already have. It happened so long ago and I buried the hurt away until I was strong enough to survive it. Until I knew that there is beautiful gift of feeling all of life more deeply now because of it. I am okay.
Love and Light.

12-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable sleepy dog
2. My car running well
3. A nice relaxing morning
4. My computer running well
5. Mental health counseling later today
6. Going with the flow of change
7. Endless possibilities in every moment
8. The TV off at work
9. Unconditional love
10. Faith and Trust

Is there a difference between Faith and Trust? I need to be mindful and bring these in my life today. I am grateful for my therapy session scheduled today. What I tend to forget is to trust my therapist and have faith in the process of healing. I am bringing those things with me today. Trust and Faith. I just got a piece of understanding. I used to think that I struggle with embracing trust and faith, with doing those actions. And really trusting and believing are quite easy for me to do. What I struggle with is letting go of my fear. I struggle with my habit of pushing trust and faith away from me, my habit of having to have it all figured out before hand, my habit of running in my imagination every terrible thing that could happen. I struggle with letting go of fear.
Love and Light.

12-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. The day off
3. Chanting
4. Writing
5. Free to express my emotions
6. Staying home
7. Perseverance
8. Baby steps
9. Strength and courage
10. Unconditional love

I don't really want to be writing this post or coming up with things I'm grateful for today. I was looking forward to staying home and not having anything planned or anywhere that I needed to go. Now I'm sitting here and I'm forced to take a long uninterrupted look at what a mess my life is. Let me narrow that down and make it not so general. I have my desk littered with bills unpaid and a budget not looked at for a month. I have my dining room table piled high with projects half finished, paper that was thrown there because I don't know what to do with it and other miscellaneous things that fall under the category "I want to keep this but I don't know why and I don't know where to put it." Things I keep lose the honor I have for them if I don't find a place in my home for them. Just like project I don't honor to make time to finish for them. And I sit looking around, overwhelmed with stuff and clutter. Time to make room for me in my own house! Time find places for all things whether with me or with someone/place else. First off, I'm taking the christmas tree down. That will make some room.
Love and Light.

12-25-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping in
3. Incredibly detailed, entertaining dreams
4. opening presents
5. Quaker meeting
6. Sharing feelings with friends
7. Love and Joy
8. Taking time to play
9. Surrounding all with love
10. Endless possibilities in every moment.

Me and my dog opened presents from my mom this morning. My dog loves to open boxes and things and see what's in them. It was fun this morning. I got what I asked for, and I'm so excited. A Kindle. I carry around many books for reference, spiritual, affirmations, they help me to be centered, they also help make my bag very heavy. So, I'm happy for this little device that can hold all the books for me. Then I ran into frustration because the only way to register it is through a wifi connection. I do not have one. I've been dragging my feet and this has to do with my resistance to change also. So, frustration and resistance to the nudge to make my place wireless. BLAH! I breathe and honor my emotions, anger, sadness and breathe some more. I'm going to Meeting and I enjoy my Kindle and the nudge. Merry Christmas to all, and to all BREATHE!
Love and Light.

12-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping in
3. Chanting
4. Silence
5. Abundance
6. Time
7. Relaxing
8. Going at my pace
9. Honoring all my emotions
10. Unconditional love

I'm behind on getting my Christmas cards and candies out to friends this year. I decided that it all is going to be late. I haven't quite figured out how the time got so far away from me and I have a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with depression that I wasn't acknowledging to myself. I have turned my AC on a low tempurature because its 80 degrees and humid outside. Not very Christmassy for a northern woman. I'm taking my time and relaxing getting my cards and candies out and I know I have next week to do them. The trap I fall into is procrastinating and next thing I know it's next Christmas and I'm still trying to get this Christmas out (that's happened to me a few years ago).
Love and Light.

12-23-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. All the people on my path of life
4. Endless possibilities in every moment
5. Love and Light
6. Christmas music
7. Knowing that there is snow falling somewhere in the world
8. Abundance
9. Honoring all my emotions and others emotions
10. Peace within

Being in South Florida it is Christmas time and sunny and warm. People were down at the condo pool swimming last night. I slept last night with no covers because it was too hot. I'm from up north and I miss the cold. I miss the changing of the seasons. It helps me to know that time is passing. I feel that time doesn't pass down here when it's 80 degrees all year long. I'm grateful to know that it is snowing elsewhere. Seasons are changing for others, if not for me. I'm grateful that my brother is driving around in snow and ice in Denver. I'm also grateful that my brother is a good driver. Wishing all Love and Light everyday and wishing that all remember that there is Love and Light everyday.

12-22-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Learning new skills
3. My car running well
4. Happiness
5. Abundance
6. Unconditional Love
7. Creativity
8. Sharing my gifts
9. Listening and being heard
10. Honoring my emotions

I am calm and at peace today. Work is slow and I'm putting my attention to learning new skills and techniques. I am grateful that I have nothing planned tonight. I'll be going home and lovingly doing chores and things I need to do for me. Remembering to bring love into these things for myself is my challenge.
Love and Light.

12-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Reflection
3. My car running well
4. Being of service
5. Unconditional love
6. Support
7. Communication
8. My heart opening
9. Happy hour
10. Abundance

I'm getting better at discernments. Feelings and intentions below actions. Intuitions below really listening. The difference between displaying a medal because I want to show off the medal and proudly wearing the experience and what I learned from it. There's a lot of "look what I did!" longing for witness to our experience. A "Mom, Mom, look at me" as kids. Was I watched as a witness to what was an amazing experience to me, or was I watched with annoyance of a mundane action of children, or was I watched at all. I recently was asked to participate as part of a group and the role is not readily defined, I wouldn't be a participant, nor a facilitator, they called it a guide. I was hesitant because I was worried about myself, about performing well in my role assigned to me. This is a personal growth group and my feeling of honor at being asked didn't click until I realized that my purpose in the group would be to answer the question "How can I be of service here?" Then my joy and honor to fulfill that purpose was clear. I brought that question to work and the pressure I felt to perform well and impress my bosses and co-workers fell away. It's slow right now at work and sometimes the best way I can serve is to warm my chair and be available for what comes up. And, always, to create and imagine.
Love and Light.

12-19-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Good friends
4. My car running well
5. Music
6. Forgiveness
7. Compassion
8. Being held in the Light
9. All of life's experiences
10. All my emotions

My life has been busy the last couple of weeks. This always happens at this time of year, there are parties to go to, friends to see, and the general feeling of time speeding up from everybody around me. I've been enjoying the parties going on and I'm grateful that this week I am not planning anything in the evening for this week. Hang on a moment, checking my calendar and already I have things planned through Wednesday, *sigh*. It is important to me to have some time to myself and I have a hard time telling friends no. I breathe deeply and know I need to take care of myself first. All will be alright. Life will go on and lessons will be learned when I have time to sit in silence and listen inside. I make that time for myself.
Love and Light.

12-16-11 grateful for today

1. Sleeping well
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. Breathing
5. Sharing spiritual rituals with friends
6. Having a date for Saturday night
7. Creativity and design
8. Joy and Love
9. Community and noble friends
10. Enjoyment of every emotion and experience

There is a way of being where I enjoy every experience and emotion, even sadness, hurtful, and painful things. I'm aware of when I'm in the mode and I wonder if I am taking away from those emotions and I don't believe I am. I think I am in those emotions even further. I guess it's similar to what I've heard "runners high" is. Where a runner pushes themselves and past the pain of running they get a kind of euphoria and the pain of running is enjoyable? I don't know, I've never experienced it. Maybe "enjoy" is not the right word for what I've felt. Well, let me try to explain when I know I'm not "enjoying" every experience and emotion. I have a tendency to resist feeling emotion. I know a lot of people and in general our culture tends to train us to resist feeling hurt, sad, anger, pain. I know that I also have a tendency to resist feeling happy, joy and fun. When I resist feeling my emotions or feeling the experience I'm having (trapped in analyzing in a cold objective scientific way), I am not feeling "enjoyment". I am not feeling and that resistence of feeling any emotion is a suffering. A dampening of spirit, of truth, a pouring of water on a fire. A lot of smoke and not able to see or breathe life clearly. Allowing all my feelings flow through me, I feel alive, an enjoyment, a full (I don't know the word) spirit. I am not good at this yet. I catch myself resisting and struggle with letting go of that resistance. I know how I want to experience life.
Love and Light.

12-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Love and Light
4. Sleeping
5. Existing for love and joy
6. Trust and Faith
7. Music
8. Warm jacket
9. Abundance
10. Holiday Parade

the Holiday Parade is tonight. I will be out there with the camera crew shooting it. It is so much fun, it has become my holiday tradition. The days are busying up and my schedule is filling up. I am needing some alone time to process emotions and catch up on reading for a class I'm taking and make up hours at work and do my spiritual practices and go to parties and deliver candies. Tis the season.
Love and Light.

12-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Movies
4. Happy Hour
5. China Spring take out restaurant
6. Honoring my boundaries
7. The Light
8. My energy/chi
9. Water
10. Unconditional Love

My Mom left this morning and flew back to Michigan. Our visit went well. I shared with her a lot of the spiritual practices I have been discovering. I also rested a lot.
Love and Light.

12-9-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. A half day at work
6. My mom here visiting
7. My talent and creativity
8. Unconditional love
9. Looking at obstacles and struggles directly
10. Peanut butter balls

The visit with my mom is going really well. We are talking and experiencing and sharing emotions. It's new for us and I feel very vulnerable with my mom, moreso than my friends. I am doing my best and am looking forward to spending the rest of today and the weekend with her.
Love and Light.

12-8-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. My car running well
4. Half day at work
5. Silence
6. Creativity
7. Learning new ways to create
8. Expressing my emotions
9. Going through every experience with love
10. The Light within every person

My mom is staying with me for a week, and I have to go to work some while she is here. I got up at 5 am and took the dog for a walk. When we got back, he ran over to mom and jumped on her and licked her face with his tail wagging madly. It is extremely hard to be mad at a happy dog who is so excited to see you because he missed you during his 10 minute walk.
Love and Light.

12-7-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Lessons and gifts in every experience
3. My wonderful free job
4. Abundance
5. This day in whatever comes in it
6. Breathing
7. Cleaning
8. All of my emotions
9. Unconditional love
10. Eyes to see the light in others

I had to stop on some errands after working 12 hours. It's not normal for me to work 12 hours in a row, so I was tired and forcing myself to stop at the grocery store and Wal-Mart. I could feel myself while driving to these places that I was already making it a terribly unpleasant thing for me to do. I was grumbling to myself and darkening my mood, when I realized that it was my choice to go to these places and my choice how I approached them. I then brought love into what I was doing. I wasn't happy bouncy because I honored my tiredness and knew I had to struggle to stay focused. I accepted my choice to do errands with love. So, as I walked into these places, I saw other people with their tired faces set in grim determination and annoyance. Almost all of them avoiding looking in the eyes of anybody else. I looked at everybody with love and searched out their eyes and when I did see into the eyes of those people, I saw their light within and I was blessed with seeing them brighten with that light and smile. It was amazing.
Love and Light.

12-6-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Working extra hours
4. Honoring my own pace
5. feeling and experiencing life fully
6. Sore muscles
7. Water
8. Chanting
9. Breathing deeply and clearly
10. Unconditional love

I was up late last night working. I am grateful that my job and my boss will allow me the flexibility to work longer days so that I will be able to take comp time when my mom comes to visit this week (because I have no more vacation days left). I feel tired and slower today and that's okay.
Love and Light

12-5-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Wonderful friends that support me and stick with me
3. Feeling my sore muscles
4. My wonderful job
5. Breathing
6. Chanting
7. Experiencing life in every moment
8. Dreaming
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Unconditional love.

I finished the Warrior Dash (www.warriordash.com) on Saturday. Woo Hoo! I did every obstacle except for one wall. I know now I am capable of a lot more than what I thought. I am very grateful for my friends who stuck with me through the whole course and were cheering me on and giving me pointers and help. I ran some and learned how to breath and run at the same time. In the past I would avoid runs and running or even long marathon walks and things, because I used to run and automatically hold my breath and tense up. In my childhood it seemed like the only time I would run would be in terror and that's where I learned to hold my breath and tense up. I also had asthma and many of my forays into playing sports ended up with me going to the hospital before the game was over. I'm had been terrified of not being able to breath. Now I took the risk and tested my physical capability and I know that this is 2011 and not my childhood. I am so much more capable today. So, I am so proud of myself for finishing the Warrior Dash! I am proudly wearing my Warrior Helmet at work today!
Love and Light.

12-2-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Meditation
4. Gmail
5. Unconditional love
6. Each moment of each day
7. Cool weather
8. Creativity
9. Giving
10. My car running well

Today work migrated their email to gmail which I am very happy about because I love the organization of conversations and messages in gmail so much better than outlook. This gives me the opportunity to be aware of my experiencing change when the change is something I want. I can feel where I resist and I can see where I could choose to focus on the negative things and I'm glad I choose to flow with this change. Also, I receive the gift of observing my co-workers and how they resist change and I am able to surround myself with Love and Light and gently send back their negative energy to them with love. They will find their path through this change. I cannot go through it for them, they need to find their way and I hope to be supportive and loving along the way. I also receive the gift to practice staying in my joy of the change and not let my co-workers "suck me into" their resistance, nor deny my own joy out of shame that not everybody likes this. I honor my happiness of this change and honor their struggle with compassion. A nice little lesson for today.
Love and Light

12-1-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sage
3. Chanting
4. My creative job
5. Breathing
6. Silence
7. Sunlight
8. Cool weather
9. Unconditional love
10. Honoring all my emotions

I woke up this morning and groggily stumbled about as I sometimes do. I go through my morning routine and wake up gradually and feel a tiny sense of anxiety down deep. I chant to bring in love and spirituality into my day, and the tiny anxiety is still there. I see my sage and on impulse decide to sage and cleanse my apartment. I'm feeling fuller with joy of life and peace and the tiny anxiety is still there. I decide to ignore it and go into tasks of this modern life we live in and fire up the computer to pay a bill. As the computer is booting I look over to the sunshine streaming in the window and there in the rays are the feathers of the sage smoke slowly and gracefully dancing in the sun. I sit quietly and watch.
Love and Light.

11-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful creative job
3. Breathing
4. Love and Light
5. Community and connection
6. Cool weather
7. Music
8. Listening to my hearts leading
9. This day and all the varying experiences in it
10. Openness

My dog is not feeling well. I woke up this morning and my dog had thrown up on himself and in the bed. I am worried, and he ate all his breakfast this morning. He had not been eating well the last couple of days so I take it as a good sign that he ate all his food this morning. I washed him off and had to go into work today. No more vacation days left. I hold my dog in the light and trust he is okay. I didn't want to wake up this morning and after being at work for 2 hours, I still feel groggy. The weather is nice and cool and I have on a sweatshirt today. A rare occurance for South Florida. I am learning to hold myself in the Light along with all the others I hold.
Love and Light.

11-29-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Music
3. Creativity
4. Love
5. Inner journey
6. Clarity
7. Energy/Chi
8. Cool weather
9. Joy
10. Meditation

I must confess one of my flaws. I watch WAY too much TV. Because I work for a cable provider, I get all the channels free, even the premium movie channels. I made a goal for myself to not watch TV at home for 10 days. If the TV is not on, I complete projects that need to be done at home, like cleaning. Yesterday was supposed to be the start of the 10 days, and it took all of 15 minutes before I told myself that my goal was stupid, that I was weak, and the TV was on. I'm in conflict because video production is what I love to do. I love to make movies. I believe that TV and Movies are a powerful tool. Like any tool, they can be used to the highest good of the world, or to downfall. It's the intention behind the filmmaker . . . and the intention of the viewer. When I spend my time to watch movies so that I can disappear from my own life and feel like I'm living though it is all illusion, that is my downfall. That is when I need to take a break and turn it off. When I have been disappearing from myself, it means that I don't want to see myself at all. If the TV is off, I am forced to spend time with myself . . . and currently I don't like it.
Love and Light.

11-28-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. The rain
4. Silence and meditation
5. Chanting
6. Being truly me
7. Holiday fun
8. Christmas music
9. Stories of flawed heroes
10. Unconditional love

I don't believe I have anything interesting or profound to say today. I am grateful for this day and for the abundance of life. What I choose to do and how to be, effects the world, even if I spend the day alone in my apartment.
Love and Light.

11-25-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My creative job
3. My car running well
4. Unconditional love
5. Good friends
6. Christmas season
7. Cool weather
8. Willingness and openness
9. Breathing
10. Feeling healthier every day

I struggle and resist saying "thank you" to a higher power. For anything. I've been taking small steps spiritually, uncovering and discovering my own spirituality and connectedness to everything. And I feel very grateful for experiences and opportunities to express all my emotions with love and step into that stream of Light that is unconditional love. I reach the point of saying "thank you" and it seems that everything crumbles. I believe that if I say thank you to a higher power then I'm giving up free will. Like I didn't have anything to do with the events that happened. I might as well be a puppet on a string, which is where I shut everything down. So, I'm going back to my baby steps on my spirituality, and back up a bit. I realized that I can thank each thing I am grateful for. I can thank each person directly for being in my life. I can thank the wind for bringing cool weather. I can thank my dog. I can thank each experience and thank my emotions directly. This I can do and this is beautiful and honors the higher power, The Light, The Tao, The Great Spirit, The Greater Magnificence.
Love and Light.

11-23-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. The gifts that each person brings into my life
5. Music
6. Creativity
7. Acupuncture
8. Feeling and experiencing all my emotions
9. Feeling and experiencing all that's going on in my body
10. The Light

I'm not feeling well today and I'm learning to be grateful for that. Grateful that I am able to feel that my body, my energy is out of balance. A lot of times in my past I would know that I wasn't feeling well, and then shut off that knowing because I didn't want to be sick. Accepting myself is accepting everything all the changes every moment. So, yes, today I feel nauseous, exhausted, and achy. And I'm feeling pretty good.
Love and Light.

11-22-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Meditation
3. Chanting
4. Music
5. My wonderful creative job
6. The changability of life
7. Unconditional love
8. Feeling wrapped in The Light
9. Breathing
10. Living

I am enjoying living and experiencing life. Not sitting on the sidelines watching others live, jumping out into the risk and amazing life.
Love and Light.

11-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. My wonderful creative job
4. Friends
5. Music
6. Awareness
7. Acceptance
8. My co-workers
9. Openness and willingness
10. All that I have received

I woke up this morning. Not only physically, but emotionally. I became aware (yet again) how I have been focusing on what has been lacking, and not the gifts that I am receiving. I've been doing this with people in my life too, co-workers, friends, family. I've been seeing in them only what is lacking and what I want to be there. In doing that I am blind to the gifts they are bringing every moment and every day. To only focus on what is missing from life, I miss out on living. I am aware today of the gifts I bring, and the gifts that each person I connect with brings to today.
Love and Light.
Cathy

11-18-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Acupuncture
4. Drum circle
5. Crying
6. My wonderful job
7. The Light
8. All of my emotions
9. Respect and honor
10. Acceptance

It is Friday today. I'm ready for time on my own at home. To really be present at home. I haven't been. I've been falling into the unreality of TV. Falling into the illusion of living by watching others live. And it's not watching others real life either, it's scripted dreams of another. [Sigh] I have started about 10 different sentences and deleted them before they were finished. I don't know how to express this feeling inside. I'm yearning for a change. I love video editing and I'm good at it. I feel like I'm betraying myself by feeling like I want to do something else. I am drawn back to nature photography and videography. I have an assignment to go out and shoot some parks and I love getting shots of nature and wildlife. I could sit there all day doing that. Why am I not doing that?
Love and Light.

11-17-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. Acupuncture and herbs
3. Taking moments to calm and center
4. Water
5. Chanting
6. My wonderful creative job
7. The Light that is always all around everything
8. Being heard
9. My creative talents and abilities
10. My adorable dog.

I am easily annoyed today. I can see myself falling into the old habit of complaining, about the weather, about my health, about my co-workers, about the traffic this morning, about how they put school zone signs on a road that has no school within 1 mile of it. See, there I go complaining. I've been catching myself a lot before the complaint comes out. I don't like how I feel when I complain. I'm complaining about everything external. I know it's within me. I'm angry that I still feel sick, that I still have asthma wheezing, that I'm tired. My fuse is short today. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks. And the last time I cried, I stifled it, I talked myself out of it and in essence, stuffed it into my physical being. A lot of fear coming up. Fear that I'll cry myself into not breathing at all, Fear that I'll express my emotions and cause a major asthma attack and have to go to the hospital. I would like respect of my beliefs. I respect my beliefs and support my beliefs.
Love and Light.

11-16-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. The wind
3. Sunrise
4. Unconditional Love
5. Healthy energy
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Acupuncture
8. Chanting
9. Christmas music
10. Feeling better every day

It has started. I found a radio station today that will be playing Christmas music all the time now. I felt my spirit lift hearing the happy tunes and twinges of nostalgia pulling at my heart. Christmas is the happiest and the saddest time of the year for me. Most of the moments at the same time. Is this what they mean by bitter sweet? Time seems to compress and I can feel my worry increase as I tick off in my head all of the projects and things I want to get done. My first priority is to take care of my health and well-being and then I will be energized to get most of the other things done. I am okay. I am safe. I am loved.
Love and Light.

11-14-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. Acupuncture
4. Unconditional Love
5. My wonderful job
6. Music
7. Endless possibilities in every moment
8. Starting fresh yet again
9. This day and all that is in it
10. Responsibility for my choices

I'm doing okay today. I have been having health problems. My face swelled up on Friday and acupuncture has been helping with that and my breathing. So I spent the weekend napping and watching too many movies on TV. Even when I'm not feeling well, I need to take care of my necessitites, cleaning, cooking, budgeting. I tend to let everything go and wallow in depression when I'm not feeling well. What's funny is that I may have caused my own illness by being depressed to begin with. Such is the downward spiral. I am grateful for acupuncture for the support of breaking that spiral and also of friends to help me move out of it. My soul is yearning to live up north where there are seasons. I accept where I am today. Much Love and Light.

11-10-11 grateful for today

1. My wonderful creative job
2. My adorable dog
3. My creativity and talents
4. Band-aids
5. Deadlines
6. Love and Light
7. Living in the moment
8. Breathing
9. Feeling safe
10. Feeling my experiences all the way through

So I've been having some physical issues. Especially with breathing. I had asthma when I was a kid, very bad, many trips to the hospital. My regular breathing in those days was still with blockages in my lungs and slight wheezing. In the past three years I finally was able to experience fully clear and clean breathing. It was wonderful. I stopped many times in my days and just experienced how easy it was to breathe. For the past two months I have had problems with asthma attacks again, and my breathing, regular breathing is labored again. I am so grateful to have had those years to breathe so freely. To experience free and clear breathing. It is a wonderful memory for me now. Also I know I acheived it in the past and so the possibility of achieving it again is very real. I look forward to that day. Until then, I will keep breathing in and out every day as best I can, grateful for every breath.
Love and Light.

11-9-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Photos
3. Music
4. My car running well
5. My wonderful, creative job
6. Inspiration, leadings, and guidance
7. Meditation
8. Unconditional love
9. Acceptance of where I am at this moment
10. Endless possibilities in every moment

I'm doing better today. I'm not so depressed about being in sunny warm Florida. I wish I was up north. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm a northern woman. I am consciously opening myself up to divine guidance and leadings from my heart. I will follow what I'm meant to do on this earth. My soul and heart know. I trust their leadings. I am never trapped. When I feel trapped, I tend to run blindly not knowing where I'm going. I am safe in this moment. All is okay. There is peace in my world. Love and Light.

11-8-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful job
3. My car running well
4. Creativity and expression
5. Healthy communication
6. Mute button
7. Water
8. Sleeping well
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Unconditional love

I am back from a wonderful vacation. I was up north in the fall weather loving the colored leaves and trees and cold. I was grateful for a lot while I was visiting good friends and playing with kids. My access to computers was limited to explain the gap in this blog. It was also nice, unplugging from technology a bit. I am grateful for the changing and experiencing the seasons. I am also grateful for child innocense. And grateful for recharging my batteries. Taking a break from all my responsibilities. Now I'm back at work for a whole new set of things to be grateful for. Love and Light.

10-30-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing

2. Expressing my feelings openly

3. Chanting

4. Kids and innocence

5. Unconditional love

6. Energy, Spirit, Light

7. Fall, trees, colored leaves, cold weather

8. Honor and Acceptance

9. Loving friends

10. Enjoying every experience

I feel so centered, peaceful, and wonderful. I have lots of opportunities to remind myself to relax and feel the flow and energy of life around me. I am enjoying engaging in the life around me rather than my old habit of standing outside of the flow and watching. I am enjoying being open and showing my open heart and loving and sharing. Every time is a risk and I'm learning to honor that risk and step forward anyway. I am loving today.

Love and Light.

10-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Chinese medicine & acupuncture
4. Chanting & singing
5. Surrender into the Light
6. Unconditional Love
7. Being a part of and engaging in life
8. Endless possibilities in every moment
9. Acceptance and Release
10. Choosing to be free

Every day my breathing becomes clearer and clearer. The pain I'm feeling is the pain of healing. I am healing and everything I experience is to "purpose" me to my higher being. I'm not sure if that last statement makes any sense to anybody else but me. What I'm trying to say instead of "leading" or "forming" or "changing" or "pushing", those words mean a force outside of myself, to me. (Yes, I still have some issues with surrendering). Those words mean forcing me to be something other than what I want. I know that's not the true meaning of those words, its what I've internalized about the experiences around those words for me. So, I chose "purpose". So that I'm reminded that my experiences' purpose is to give me choices to move toward my higher being. Reminding me to engage in life and my experiences and not to just let them roll over me. I'm a bit confused about some aspects of this like surrendering and accepting the experience as it is and knowing that I have a choice of reaction to it, or something like that. I choose healing. I choose my higher being.
Love and Light.

10-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Unconditional love
3. Breathing
4. Relaxation and meditation
5. Water
6. My wonderful creative job
7. My warm snuggly sweater jacket
8. Music and chanting
9. Acceptance
10. Living freely

It is now save for me to take charge of my own life. I choose to be free. That is my affirmation I have been working on (avoiding). It's a wonderful message and concept and it's interesting that I have such avoidance and resistance to it. I need to say it out loud and often. It's on a post it on my computer monitor staring at me all day and it is amazing to me how much I do not see it. Then when I read it, I feel that nagging doubt in the back of me. That voice I thought I released that tells me what a horrible person I am and that I'm not really in charge of anything and should not be. The voice that is mine twisting freedom into a prison and twisting good enjoyable things into somethings to complain about. I don't like that part of me. I don't want that part of me to be around anymore. I choose to be free.
Love and Light.

10-25-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. The woman's monthly visitor
4. My creative abilities and talents
5. Chinese herbs
6. Letting go and relaxing
7. Surrendering into The Light
8. Accepting where and who I am today
9. Knowing I am on a path and I'm moving
10. Unconditional Love

I want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I did not sleep well last night and crawling back into bed does not guarantee that I will be sleeping well. I'm still having trouble breathing. I tried to do an emotional process last night. I feel like my body is filled with gunk, sticky, slimy, balled up gunk that is interfering with my breathing and functioning. I didn't do very well with my process last night. I scared the dog with my yelling and pounding on pillows. I scared myself, too. My plan for today is water. Lots and lots of water. I have the idea that I will loosen everything that is gunking up my body works. We'll see.
Love and Light.

10-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Being heard
4. Unconditional Love
5. Spirituality
6. Music and chanting
7. Silence
8. Accepting
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Cool breezes

I usually find time to do this blog in my morning routine at work. It really helps me to remind me how wonderful a job I have and to be grateful that I am paid for my creativity every day. This morning was more trying than usual and when I started making this list my fuse was short and my frustration was high. I pretty much was forcing this list. Making myself put things on it until I got to "Accepting". Then I felt everything lift off my shoulders. I accepted what today is and how it is and the people I work with. I accepted my emotions and hurt that triggered my frustration defense. And I relaxed more into my day. The day is half over already and I am grateful for the projects I have and love being creative.
Love and Light.

10-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Cool weather and warm blankets
3. My wonderful job
4. Music
5. Breathing
6. Honoring my frustration and anger
7. Taking risks
8. My creative talents and abilities
9. A short day at work
10. Life and The Mysteries

I am angry and frustrated. I work at a cable TV provider and there is a TV hooked up and on in every room in the building. I share my office with one other person and he always has it on. I can't stand the constant babble and noise and distraction from the box. I have my headphones on listening to music. Also, I have been trying to submit a claim to my health insurance since August and still having problems, I have sent it in 3 times and I wait for it to process and then I ask and they say they never received it. Do I need a lawyer to submit a claim to my insurance? I miss all those years when I didn't have health insurance at all. I just paid it all myself, so much simpler. I'm almost to the point that the aggravation of submitting a claim to get reimburse is not worth the reimbursement.
I'm learning to flow with my anger. A lot of the time I try to resist it, which makes me more angry. When I acknowledge and flow with my anger, I feel like I'm less likely to project it out sideways to an innocent bystander.
Love and Light.

10-20-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. The great mechanics at North Springs Japanese Car Care
3. Chinese herbs
4. Breathing becoming clearer
5. Wonderful cool weather
6. My creativity, talents and abilities
7. Flowing with and honoring all my emotions
8. Surrender Into The Light
9. Love and Acceptance
10. My wonderful job.

I had acupuncture last night to help with my breathing and its amazing to me that when I think things are connected together, like my breathing difficulty (asthma) and pain in my shoulder muscles, chinese medicine confirms what I feel, while western medicine only looks at the one thing, my lungs. Chinese medicine takes into account emotions, changes in activity, mood, sleep patterns, everything to see what the cause is from a big picture. My acupuncturist agrees with me that a lot of my physical ailments are caused from burying my childhood trauma deeply throughout my body. This also relates to my difficulty of practicing my Tai Chi daily. Even though I love doing the Tai Chi and feel that my soul calls me to do this practice, the Tai Chi loosens up all of these places where I've buried trauma.
Love and Light.

10-19-11 grateful for today

1. A blustery rainy day
2. My adorable dog
3. Sleeping well
4. My creativity, talents and abilities
5. Cooler weather coming
6. Unconditional Love
7. Mastermind
8. Openness
9. Breathing
10. Acupuncture

We have a blustery rainy day preceding the first real cold front gracing South Florida tonight. I'm looking forward to it. It will be a chilly 65 degrees. I know for a northern girl that's not chilly at all. I've been in perpetual summer for so long that I'll have a couple of blankets over me tonight and I'll definitely have the windows open. I'm very grateful that I slept well last night. I have been having lots of trouble getting to sleep and staying to sleep and it has effected my co-workers and friends as I have been short-tempered. I'm looking forward to today, my work and acupuncture after work. I'm grateful for breathing because it has been difficult for me for the past two months. Every day I'm getting better and better.
Love and Light.

10-18-11 grateful for today

1. My creative talents and abilities
2. My adorable dog
3. Snoozing
4. My wonderfully creative job
5. Working as a team
6. Calmness and relaxation
7. Chanting and Music
8. Tai Chi
9. Responsibility
10. Unconditional Love

Back around 2002 I was the happiest person laid off from my job at the time. I was burnt out working 60-70 hour weeks. I was making a lot of money that I had no time to spend. So, when I was laid off and cashing out of stock options and other things, I had enough money to not need a job for 2 years. I loved that time. I felt as if I had no responsibilities. I worked on things that I enjoyed and felt free of other people's expectations and ideas of performance. I wrote a novel, volunteered working as a PA on movies and shoots, and other projects as I felt an interest tugging me in one direction or another. It was wonderful and I felt free of responsibility. And the money ran out and I needed to get a job again. And I'm doing great now, I have a job working as a video producer/editor and I love it. I feel the pressure of responsibility, of other's expectations and ideas of performance. I was wondering how do I feel free within responsibility? I guess I haven't reconciled or embraced the idea that this company is paying me to BE ME. Every other job I've had in my life I've had to work at tasks that were not me. Now I'm being paid by others to be the person I am. To be that person I was when I had no job. And it feels a little weird.
Love and Light.

10-17-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Creativity
3. The homeless man on the corner
4. All my experiences over the weekend
5. Surrender Into The Light
6. Unconditional love
7. Connection
8. Chanting and music
9. Flexibility and freedom
10. My house a little bit clean

When I drive to work, at a particular corner, there is sometimes a homeless man. He's not there every day. When he is, he walks down the line of cars at the stop light looking for donations for the Homeless Voice, a homeless advocacy group. He smiles and waves at the drivers and sometimes stops when a drive drops some money into his bucket. When he sees me he stops and gives me a warm smile, puts his free hand on his heart and slightly tips his head in a nod. From my car seat, I do something similar. I feel as if we have saluted and I always smile and feel better. I want to say thank you to that man for being him. Several mornings when I'm struggling with life and meaning and purpose, struggling to just get through the day. His salute, even though it's a small movement, is huge meaning to me.
I haven't seen him lately, and I want to stop and thank him and shake his hand. I feel afraid to tell him. And I have allowed my fear of being vulnerable to stop me from thanking him. I am grateful for this homeless man who has touched my heart.
Love and Light.

10-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My creativity and talent
3. Thebrain.com
4. A friend coming over tonight
5. Acceptance
6. Organization
7. Responsibility
8. Love and Light
9. Breathing
10. Joy

I have yet to put any food or anything to do with food on my grateful list. I do like Chinese food and have been having fun learning to cook in a wok. I like using chopsticks (I have to pay attention to my food more). I've had lots of issues with eating and food in the past. I'm getting better. I had a nectarine today and it was delicious. I allowed myself to taste it and savor it. Something I would never do in the past because I had attached eating with some traumatic things. It's kind of odd to me to never put food on my grateful list because I grew up Christian and we thanked god for the food at every dinner. Well, maybe not odd because as a kid I was reciting back what I had been taught and there was no feeling or meaning behind the words back then. Eventually I believe I will get back around for being grateful for my food. Right now its hard for me to deal with.
Love and Light.

10-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping well and deeply
3. Creativity
4. Help and support
5. Breathing
6. My wonderful creative free job
7. Learning new things
8. Openness
9. Courage
10. Unconditional Love.

I slept well last night. Oddly I woke up and all my muscles were tight and I was having difficulty breathing. I am grateful for my courage to walk through the pain of letting go and releasing physically and emotionally. Using the tools of Tai Chi, meditation, chanting, release work, therapy, breath work, journaling, and sharing, I gratefully release my tight grip covering my wounds and allow The Light to reach my wounds and heal them. The pain I'm feeling is the pain of healing.
Love and Light.

10-12-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. Support and Love from friends
4. Being held in The Light
5. Freedom
6. Trust and belief in me
7. Music
8. Meditation
9. Happy Hour
10. Peace


I had an intense session yesterday with my mental health counselor (therapist). I have had this tightness around my middle and trouble with breathing since 8/29/11. We worked yesterday and I am breathing easier today. I feel free and open. Another step from freeing myself from my traumatic past. Another step closer to the grace of surrender. I resist surrender and I understand a piece of that now. Surrender, my current definition, is acceptance of what is happening now and acceptance of what I can and cannot do to change it/control it. And with my past of being 4 years old and I had no power, unable to do anything about the abuse happening to me. All I could do was surrender. Even as an adult, with perspective and reclaiming my power, it is very hard for me to see the grace in surrender. I understand why I had been fighting so hard against the flow of my life. I'm in the flow today. Calm and gentle with myself.
Love and Light.

10-11-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful job
3. Therapy session today
4. Trust and Faith
5. Creativity
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Chanting & music
8. Play
9. Acceptance
10. Unconditional Love

When I can't think of anything else to put on my list, I put Unconditional Love on it. Some things on my list are what I'm feeling grateful for at this moment. Other things are reminders of what I want to be grateful for. When I'm grateful for them, I let them into my life. Because when I forget about them, they politely knock on the door and wait patiently, while my shadows crash through the door and start a ruckus yelling at me. Shadows like doubt, unworthiness, and shame. I need to remember to invite gratitude in and inhabit it. And even being grateful for my shadows so that I can see them and in knowing them, knowing their opposites and inviting them in. I invite the world into my life today.
Love and Light.

10-10-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Music
4. Learning
5. Openness/opening/loosening
6. All my emotions
7. Personal growth steps I have taken
8. Creativity
9. Unconditional love
10. Courage

"Just get over it!" "Let it go already!" "Look at it this way." "It happened a long time ago, you're not there anymore!" Words and phrases that our culture deem "helpful". Words and phrases that, for me, make me feel alone and having to walk through pain all by myself. Yes, trauma happened to me a long time ago. I was unable to feel it or deal with it then because I was so young. Dealing with it now, feels like it is happening for the first time. I was alone then. I don't want to feel alone now. I would like to hear "I'm here with you." "I see your pain." "I hear your grief and hurt." I need to walk into those traumatic feelings fully to let them go. I have a hard time doing this all by myself. I have a hard time asking for help. Things for me to work on this week.
Love and Light.

10-9-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Quakers
4. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin
5. Connecting with love
6. Movies
7. Shower
8. My own life
9. Responsibility
10. Loosening my tight grip

I was surprised today when I was telling a new friend that I finally started to feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm starting to feel okay with how I am and who I am. I love watching movies. I used to think this was an "all or nothing" thing about me. The only way to balance watching movies and getting necessities done, or other projects done was to stop watching movies altogether. Or give myself small morsels over long time periods (maddening to me). So, I was okay with watching a movie as I did my laundry and cleaned my kitchen. I was also okay with missing part of the movie as I had to leave the room to accomplish a task. That one was a lot harder, to leave the movie in the middle of it. I'm learning that visuals, (movies, videos, art) play an important role in communication. Words aren't going to convey everything that needs to be heard about something. I'm loosening my tight grip on being afraid of hurting, on being afraid I might miss something, on being afraid of proving that I'm not worth anything when I'm trying so hard to believe that I'm worth everything.
Love and Light.

10-8-11 grateful for today

1. Rainy blustery weather
2. My adorable dog
3. Tai Chi
4. Slowly loosening up to let go
5. Naps
6. My own pace
7. Abundance
8. Office supplies
9. Garbage service
10. Being okay with me

Today is a rainy blustery windy day. One that I feel totally relaxed and energized at the same time. At Tai Chi today, the concrete that have been my shoulders loosened up and cracks have appeared. It's painful when muscles that are in the habit of being tense 24 hours a day for decades loosen up. The cracks grind against each other when I move, causing more pain. And the cracks let the light in. You know that pain in your eyes you feel when coming out of a dark movie theater into bright sunlight after a matinee show? My shoulders feel like that, the pain of the light being let in after so many years of darkness. And emotions buried in there are coming out. I felt sadness and fear and hurt as I let go and released my stranglehold on where I buried my emotions. Things are coming up. I'm grateful for garbage service because this physical emotional holding on within me, was projected out into my space and my 1 bedroom condo is slowly starting to look like one of those places on that "Hoarders" show. I am going to be filling garbage bags. I hurt a lot when I let go, and that's the only way I will then be free to feel joy.
Love and Light.

10-7-11 grateful for today

1. Feeling weight in my chest
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. Abundance
5. Creativity
6. Working as a team
7. Acceptance of today
8. Experiencing life
9. Receiving love
10. Endless possibilities in every moment

It must seem strange to others that I am grateful to feel weight in my chest. I believe in an emotional and physical connection. I also believe that a lot of the traumatic emotions of my childhood that I was not able to express because I was not allowed or that it was way too much for me to survive as a child, those emotions became stored within my body and became chronic ailments. I had to hold on tightly, tense muscles, to not feel them. I have been feeling a tightness around my chest for weeks and this morning I felt my tightness, my holding on, loosen and started to feel the weight of what is buried in my chest. I feel this is a small step to release whatever is in there. I'm not going to label or name it until I can see clearly what it is. There is a difference between labeling something and naming it. When I label something, I try and take something and stuff it into a box that it doesn't quite fit. This could be an experience or a person. And when it is stuffed in the box, I can only see one side. I can't see its true shape or all of what it is. When I name something, I honor and respect the something. It doesn't matter what the name is, it is only important that I do name it. And the name is important that it encompasses all that that person or experience or whatever is. I name the truth of it. I finally get that now. I realize now how many times I took a name and within my head, changed it to a label, dishonoring whatever it truly is. I name The Light for myself.
Love and Light.

10-6-11 grateful for today

1. Sleeping
2. My Brain (thebrain.com)
3. Chanting & music
4. My adorable dog
5. Learning
6. Relaxing
7. My wonderful free creative job
8. Breathing
9. Kleenex tissues
10. Unconditional Love

This week, I've downloaded and been playing with PersonalBrain from thebrain.com. This has become a lesson for me about holding grudges and how forgiveness is for me to live and stop suffering. I've known about thebrain.com since 1998, I was drawn to it and fascinated by it, but I never downloaded the free program, because I was holding onto a grudge. The person that showed me thebrain back in 1998 was my manager at the time and back then I admit to hating him. I was determined back then to not like anything that he liked. Even though I knew then that thebrain was a wonderful way for me to see how my brain worked. I denied something that was free and useful from myself because of a grudge I held against this man. And I haven't worked with this man or even seen him since 2001. Here it is 10 plus years later and I'm finally using the program that has gotten me organized in two days, because of me not forgiving, of holding onto something that hurt me. And yes, getting the program brought back up all the emotions and hate and frustration that I had projected out onto this man that I had buried deep inside me. And I see now that it wasn't even him, it was all my own issues and baggage and emotions about myself that was spewing out sideways at other people. It wasn't him, it was me that was the problem. I had 11 different managers in 5 years at that job. I was incredibly talented and good at what I did, but I was an emotional train wreck that the corporate world didn't know what to do with. And now I have my Personal Brain and I love it. I forgive myself and ask forgiveness from my old manager and thank him for showing me thebrain.
Love and Light.

10-5-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Gathering of my friends
5. Drumming
6. A quiet morning alone at work
7. Breathing
8. Sleeping
9. Going at my own pace
10. Unconditional love

I was debating putting "Having a snooze button" on my grateful list. I use my snooze button way too much in the morning, to where my plan of having a relaxing slow morning goes out the window. I'm sure the snooze button was invented for people that are truly trying to get up when the alarm goes off, and as they are sitting there trying to gather their consciousness together to get up, unknowingly slip back into slumber. For me, it's become a habit to plan in "snooze time" for when I set my alarm, because I'm going to hit it 5 or more times before I actually get up. There are many days that I resent the alarm clock. I feel so much better when I wake up naturally without anything jolting me out of my sleep. When I ran my own business, it was great because I didn't have any set office hours, I woke up when I wanted. I felt my best those years. I have all the tricks to get my up during the first alarm. My alarm is placed away from my bed so I actually have to get out of bed and walk over to it to snooze it. This worked for a few weeks, and now I'm very well capable to get out of bed, snooze, and go back to bed and instantly asleep. I started making myself go into the living room . . . where I promptly fall back asleep on the couch. My dog doesn't try to get me up anymore with the alarm, he's getting older, so he's learned he can stay in bed and sleep more than me. Here's to shifting the business model to allow for natural awakenings.
Love and Light.

10-4-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Lunch with friends
3. Sleeping well
4. Chanting and singing
5. My wonderful creative job
6. Choices and responsibility
7. My warm comfortable jacket
8. Writing
9. Relaxation
10. Time

I'm feeling calm and mellow today. I keep catching my muscles tensing up, around my eyes, around my shoulders, my stomach, my thighs. I catch the tensness and try to relax it. Catching it again and trying to relax it. Sometimes relaxing feels very strange, almost sickly. I intend to be relaxed today.
Love and Light.

10-3-11 grateful for today

1. Music
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderful creative fun job
4. My car running well
5. Unconditional love and light
6. Choices and experiences
7. Dreams
8. Creativity
9. My hands
10. Breathing

I am in a calm, creative, happy space today. It's October and I have a long vacation coming at the end of this month that I'm excited for. Fall is my favorite season of the year, and there really isn't one down here in Florida. So I'm excited to be travelling north to see the leaves change and feel the coolness in the air and carve pumpkins and go for a hay ride. I'm a northern girl and always will be. Today I have been reorganizing my tasks and projects at home and at work, and approaching them with new perspectives and looking for new ways to see everything. Here's to change.
Love and Light.

10-2-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Camping
4. Sun, moon, stars, trees, racoons, cardinels, woodpeckers, deer, cool breezes
5. Slowing down
6. My tent
7. Fire
8. Letting go
9. Shower and shampoo and soap
10. Unconditional love

I just got back home from camping. Wonderful! Even though I grabbed my old shoes (didn't want to get my new ones dirty) and shortly into the camping trip both of the soles came off. They were so old the glue disintegrated, I guess. I spent a lot of the trip tying my shoes with twine trying to keep my soles together. I didn't do much hiking. I had a great time, out in nature and sun and moon the whole time. I'm tired and sore and proud of myself. This is the first time that I put my stuff all away as I unpacked the car. I used to dump it in a pile in the living room where it would sit for weeks until I "got around to" putting it away. I was really tired and sore, but I pushed through and put my stuff away and I'm happy now.
Love and Light.

9-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Camping
3. My car running well
4. Sky, Earth, Sun, Moon, Stars, Water, Fire
5. Chanting and music
6. The quiet of nature
7. Breath
8. Life
9. My job doing what I love: create
10. Choices

A couple of days ago when I was in a self-hating mode, it was suggested to me to have compassion for myself. I thought that was odd. Compassion is what one has for another person. How would I have compassion for myself? My definition of compassion at this moment is feeling the pain another person is feeling with gentleness and tenderness. I am not experiencing their pain, I am sort of feeling it through them and sending gentleness and tenderness and love to soothe their wound. I'm not too sure of my definition and its hard to put into words this feeling of compassion. So, feeling compassion for myself is odd because I'm the one feeling the pain, sharply and fully. I do need to be more gentle and tender with myself. And loving. That's what I'll focus on.
Love and Light.

9-29-11 grateful for today

1. Chanting
2. My adorable dog
3. Rush (yes, the rock band)
4. Music
5. Affirmations
6. My creative wonderfully freedom filled job
7. Responsibility
8. Connecting with friends
9. Life and experiences
10. All my emotions being honored and expressed

I've been having trouble breathing for the past few weeks. I believe in mind, body, spirit connection and definitely in my emotions displaying in physical discomfort. Especially when I don't know that I have emotions buried. So many of my emotions I was not safe to express as a child became buried in different places in my body. Currently I have tightness around my chest and a knot in the middle of my back. I know relaxing this area physically will release the pain that is in there and that is hard. Have you ever held a fist as tight as you can for a minute or more and then tried to open your fingers slowly? It hurts and the muscles react weirdly and jumpy. What I'm trying to say is that I know what I need to do to releive this suffering of trouble breathing, and I'm scared to take those steps because of the pain that is buried. Breathing is also the Breath of Life. Taking deep breaths is taking life in fully. I am resisting taking charge of my own life. I'm okay at this moment.
Love and Light.

9-28-11 grateful for today

1. Awareness
2. My adorable dog
3. Unconditional love
4. Compassion
5. All my emotions expressed and honored
6. Seeing a new level of truth
7. Music and chanting
8. My car running well
9. My wonderfully creative job in my passion
10. Myself

I am grateful for myself today. All of me. All my emotions, happiness, joy, pain, suffering, etc. I am grateful for the parts of me that love unconditionally, that hate indiscriminately, that embrace in order to let go, that hold on to drag me into darkness. Some parts of me have grown and other parts have transformed, and other parts I haven't even uncovered yet. I trust in myself. My love and light that is the core of me and that can embrace and love all of me. I have faith that my core, love and light, is most of me. I trust in me today.
Love and Light.

9-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping with the windows open
3. Creative Fun job
4. Therapy appointment today
5. Breathing
6. New bra
7. Financially stable
8. Unconditional love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Choosing

I'm not feeling well today. I've been having trouble breathing for a few weeks now. I'm looking forward to transforming this trouble breathing into feeling free and breathing freely. I believe that this is linked to my emotional state and I'm holding onto an old emotion/behavior/belief that no longer serves me and causes me this stress and tightness. I'm okay.
Love and Light.

9-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Working in an environment of love and caring
3. I'm okay exactly where and who I am
4. Energy flow
5. Creative fun
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Responsibility
8. Choices
9. Acceptance
10. Unconditional love

Driving into work this morning, I had an epiphany. I had spent the weekend mainly on the couch watching movies wallowing in my mild cold. I realized that way back in the back of my head, there is a part of me that was "beating myself up" over lazing around all weekend and not getting some projects done. This is my old pattern. And then I had an epiphany, I'm okay. I'm okay wallowing in a weekend. I'm okay driving to work. I'm okay, I am me and this is me, this is who I was over the weekend and this is who I am now. I'm okay. Another step to accepting me as I am. Does this mean that I'm going to always ignore taking care of myself and drown myself in other people's stories? No. I'm okay with who I am today and tomorrow I don't have to be the same. If I am, okay. If I'm different, okay.
Love and Light.

9-25-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Quaker meeting
3. Unconditional love
4. Water
5. Naps
6. Insight/Inner wisdom
7. Listening
8. Chanting
9. Leaves trembling when feeling the wind
10. Tigers

I had trouble coming up with 10 things today. I was sitting on number 10 for a while and an idea came to me. It wasn't listed. I was unable to list it on my grateful list. And this idea has brought tears to my eyes. In video editing, a moment in footage where you want to change the action in editing is called a "key frame". Like you have a graphic zooming in from the side and the moment you want to stop it in the center, you have to put a "key frame" in to change the action. There are times when I know I'm at a big step in my life, a key frame. If I decide to put a key frame in, I will change the motion that my life is going. This idea for number 10 is like that, I thought about putting "I am grateful for myself", and I was unable to do it . . . . today.
Love and Light.

9-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Tai Chi class
3. A beautiful long hug from someone I've missed
4. Friends getting together
5. Thunderstorms
6. Resting
7. Seeing myself as I really am
8. Acceptance
9. Forgiveness
10. Willingness to transform

I've been sick with a cold, a mild one. Yet, I was quick to jump on the old habit and belief system that no longer serves me that since I'm sick I get to disconnect from the world, from myself, from any responsibility in my self care. I've obviously done a bad job caring for myself so I can give up for a while. It's like I stepped in quicksand and instead of grabbing onto the branches of self care right there, I decide to see how far down the sand trap goes. I've already stepped in it, so why not? 8 hours of movie watching a day is not self care. I see myself as I really am and also see my "want" to change as just that . . . a want. Not a desire, not a need. The last four on my list go together. Kind of like steps to healing. I'm seeing myself as I really am, now to accept myself and unconditionally love myself. That's the step I'm on now. I try to skip over steps, jump right over Acceptance and Forgiveness and I try to force myself to transform. I try to make myself change when I'm not ready because Acceptance and Forgiveness are very hard.
Love and Light

9-23-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Able to have a calm day at work
3. Learning new things
4. Sleeping in
5. DayQuil
6. Water
7. My warm comfy jacket
8. Sunshine
9. Music
10. Unconditional Love

I'm sick with a cold and at work as I ran out of sick days. I'm feeling better than yesterday and it's good for me to get out of the house. I get to leave early today to make up for a late day earlier this week. I did not make it to Drum Circle last night. I was in bed and sleeping early and that helped. My body needed rest. Life is interesting and friends and people who care about me have a lot of different advices . . . . I know they care and support me, and my inner guide is the one I listened to. Today, I stay calm and gentle and then it's the weekend.
Love and Light.

9-22-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Healing
3. Sleeping
4. Movies
5. Drum Circle
6. Hot tea
7. Being gentle with me
8. A day off
9. Unconditional love
10. Taking care of me

I stayed home sick from work today. I have a cold. I've been feeling 'off' all week and thought it was emotions. Now I have a cold . . . . so it's definitely emotions. I've been sleeping and resting all day. I have a drum circle tonight that is very special to me and only meets once a month. I want the spiritual rejuvenation I receive from this drum circle. I'm feeling very crappy physically right now and it seems like an awfully big job to get dressed and drive a half hour to it. And the Star Wars movies are calling to me to watch them.
I was laying on the couch and I was feeling better. I got up and moved around to get ready to go and I feel worse. Now I'm sitting here at the computer and I feel better. I went on got my tea and I feel worse. I do this pattern a lot. I know the thing to do that will help me be better, to heal, to feel good about myself, and I make it the harder thing for me to do. I make it a struggle and effort to do that good thing. I can make it the easy excited thing for me to do, "Yay! I'm going to Drum Circle to feel better, to feel healing, how wonderful!" And yet, I sit here and debate if I'm going to go at all because I have a cold. My brain jumps in to try to reason it out. "If I go, I might make other people sick. On the other hand, you're already going to miss next month by being out of town. On the other hand, you might be to weak to drum. On the other hand, you will feel all that good energy. On the other hand, you might be sick because you are full of bad energy." My brain is great at analyzing, but sometimes I need it to listen to my heart.
Love and Light.

9-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping through the night
3. Breathing
4. Unconditional love
5. Letting go
6. Cleaning and healing
7. Happy Hour
8. My creatively free job
9. Clear communication
10. Endless possibilities

I'm having trouble breathing today. My chest is very tight. I struggle to take a deep breath. Which probably means I'm struggling to let go of something. I'm cleaning out and letting go that which no longer serves me. And I'm resisting it. It's hard to let go of beliefs and things that have been in my life for so long. I'm afraid of emptiness. I'm afraid of having nothing left. What I am making is space. Space within myself. Space within my home. Space to be free to fully express and be who I truly am, not be these things and beliefs I've accumulated from others. It's hard. It's new. It's change.
Love and Light.

9-20-11 grateful for today

1. Trees, the Name Tree
2. My adorable dog
3. My free creative job
4. Endless Possibilities
5. Exercising
6. Water
7. Gentleness
8. Forgiveness
9. The present moment
10. Courage

When I was young my family went to a camping resort place several times during the summer. At this place was a huge old oak tree. It's trunk was so big three adults were needed to hold hands around it. It's branches spread up out and around and grew so long that the ones on the bottom spread out and touched the ground again 20 feet away from it's trunk. It was called the Name Tree becuase it was hard to find any inch of the tree where someone hadn't already carved their name into it. It was easy to climb and a lot of the kids would be in the tree for most of the day. You could literally walk up a branch from the ground into the tree. A popular game was Tree Tag. Yes, it was high speed chases through the branches looking like a bunch of monkeys. The only rule was that you couldn't touch the ground. I was too scared to go too far up or around the tree. There was a long thick branch wider around than a person and at the far end of that branch it split into 5 more branches, and this place where it split and grew looked very much like a hand. That's where I loved to sit, in the Hand of the Name Tree. I would watch those zipping through the tree playing tag, leaping, grabbing, climbing, and I learned by watching the paths through the tree. The kids would use the same paths going up and around, knowing if they walked far enough out on this branch, it would bend and connect to that branch and another path. I still know the paths, I would run through them in my mind, but never physically, I was always too scared. The sacred symbol I choose to represent my heart is this Name Tree. And I'm now aware that there are paths through my heart. Paths that are begging me to climb and explore and know that the more paths I take in my heart, the deeper into my heart I will go. Now to let go of fear and move.
Love and Light.

9-19-11 grateful for today

1. Walking in the rain this morning
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderfully creative job
4. Endless opportunities in every moment
5. My warm jacket
6. Music
7. Beginning again
8. Change and Transformation
9. Unconditional Love
10. Learning new things.

I was walking my dog early this morning and there was a surprise downpour and I loved walking in the rain. I was soaking wet. I very much wanted to go home and wrap myself in a warm blanket and relax and sit quietly today. And here I am at work, making a to do list and motivating myself. Amazing that I have a job doing video production that I love and I put my focus on the tasks that I don't like to do . . . old habit. I need balance between those tasks I love to do and those that I don't.
Love and Light.

9-18-11 grateful for today

1. Quaker Meeting
2. Heating pad
3. My adorable dog
4. My car running well
5. Beautiful clouds
6. All my emotions and expressing them
7. Fishing
8. Unconditional love
9. Gentleness
10. Beginning again

I need my grateful list today. I woke up this morning (well, several times during the night) with back soreness and put my heating pad on my back. In the past only my lower back is sore, lately my entire back is sore. I use my sore back as an excuse to be in a bad mood today. Basically, I believe that I stored unexpressed emotion (buried emotions) in my body in different places. And then tightened defenses around those buried emotions (tight muscles) and then disconnected from those places so I wouldn't feel. And I have my back in the middle upper back loosening up, and my emotions are coming out, tears and sadness, hurt and grief. I carried a lot on my back as a kid and I'm tired of carrying it. Letting go feels very uncomfortable and scary, what will protect me if I let go of carrying things in my back. Who's got my back? Interesting question because I believed nobody but myself "got my back" as a kid. Another lesson in trust for me.
Love and Light.

9-16-11 grateful for today

1. Waking up rested without an alarm
2. My adorable dog
3. Heating pad
4. Nothing planned after work, an evening to myself
5. Gentleness
6. All my emotions
7. Loosening my grip on hard things to let go of
8. My car running well
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Music

I feel so relaxed and flowing this morning. I know a lot of it has to do with not being jangled awake by an alarm. I have switched my alarm to a more calming wake up noise. Still I have been reacting crankily to being forced awake rather than waking up naturally. Other physical things I've changed is that the past two days I have not exercised. I have been trying to do forty consecutive days of exercising 30 minutes every day. I make it to about day 8 or 9 and then I have to fight myself to keep going. I decided not to exercise yesterday or today because of my tiredness and soreness appearing in my back. I feel much better today. I am being gentle with myself and my decisions. I am going to start up my 40 day goal tomorrow. I realize that I have not been eating healthy either and I need to balance that with my other healthy changes. Be gentle with myself and know that transitions are uncomfortable.
Love and Light.

9-15-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. My wonderfully creative job
4. Deep release of cries and hurts and grief
5. Endless possibilities in every moment
6. Sun warmth and healing
7. Cleansing rain
8. Chanting
9. Unconditional love
10. Happy Hour


I put Happy Hour on my list yesterday and then later in the day my therapy appointment was moved from today to yesterday. So, Happy Hour is on my list today. To clarify, Happy Hour is where I meet my friend at a coffee place and we are happy to see each other and chat for an hour or so. That will be after work. I'm feeling mellow today. I sobbed and cried a lot last night and felt much release. I was going to say I feel at peace, however that doesn't resonate as true. A part of me was revealed to me yesterday and I learned recently how to embrace and dissolve this part that is so quick to hate. Since it's new for me to embrace and love this part of me and forgive myself, I've been experiencing resistance and struggle in doing so. I am gentle with myself and do my best.
Love and Light.

9-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Breath, qi
4. My creative job
5. Listening to my heart
6. My own pace
7. Unconditional Love
8. All my emotions
9. Happy Hour
10. Receiving help

If I try to define an experience at the beginning, I limit the possibilities of what it could grow into. If I let go and let the experience be what it is and grow into the possibilities of what it's meant to be, when it's grown I honor it by naming it.
This statement and or guideline is important to me. It's a recent insight and interestingly, my insight grew because I didn't even define this right when it was first forming. I was out with a man that invited me to dinner. I was in my head struggling with defining what the evening was, was it a date? were we just friends? and my brain was twirling away. I finally let go and decided not to define it and experience whatever it was letting my heart lead me. I had the conclusion that nothing needs to be defined, only experienced. And then later talking to my brother about his marriage, I was wondering if we are so free not to define anything, how would one get to the point of marriage, a sacred ritual of committment to one another? And there is when the idea grew and I could see experience as a life of it's own. Experiences have a beginning and a growth to them and to name things is to honor them. And naming is different than defining, my understanding anyway. To name something is to see it and everything about it as it is and name its truth. To define something is to map out the parameters and most of the time only seeing one perspective at a time.
Love and Light.

9-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Therapy session
3. Openness
4. Endless possibilities
5. Leaving work early
6. My wonderfully creative job
7. Breathing
8. Gentleness
9. Paper and pens and pencils
10. Meditation

I'm exhausted. My dog decided to chase something around the house last night, all night until I put him in his crate. I am being gentle with myself today. I feel like I'm suffering from insomnia, however I am getting some sleep every night. I used to think that insomnia would be great and I would have so much more time to accomplish and do things. The opposite is true. I find it hard to function and simple mindless tasks seem to take more effort than normal. I'm glad I'm leaving work early today so that I can rest.
Love and Light.

9-12-11 grateful for today

1. Full moon
2. My adorable dog
3. Music and chanting
4. Gaurdian Angels
5. Unconditional love
6. Breath, qi
7. Sleeping
8. Flowing with the moment
9. Help
10. A long day at work

I see that I have a hard time remembering to do this list on the weekends. I also find that I am more depressed or down on myself on the weekends. Well, it goes more up and down for me because I have my Tai Chi class on Saturday and my Quaker meeting on Sunday . . . after those, when I'm by myself in my condo, then my shadows come whispering in my ear. I did have a vision during Quaker meeting of myself hugging my adult self as I am now. That was a first. I have been hugging my inner child or a vision of myself as a child, healing what happened to me so long ago. This was the first time that I felt loving towards myself as I am now. Tears came and I felt some relief . . . some lifting of burden. I am not a burden to myself or others. I am joy and love.
Love and Light.

9-9-11 grateful for today

1. Awareness
2. My adorable dog
3. My creative job
4. All my emotions
5. Sleeping
6. Human connection
7. Life experiences
8. Forgiveness
9. Unconditional love
10. Receiving

This week has been an emotional one in large waves. I used to say an emotional rollercoaster and I realized that that phrase instills more panic and fear in me about my emotions. Waves for me imply more flowing with them and feeling through them. Sometimes when playing in large waves in the ocean, I come out of the water feeling like I have been thrown around a bit, and there's some effort on my part to break the surface to the air or keep my feet on the ground. The easiest way is to let go and flow with the waves and only fighting when I'm taken under. So this week has been full of joy, peace, and hurt, struggle, and excitement, hope, and grief, sadness. Right now I feel like I'm going under. I trust I will flow to calm and find my feet on the ground.
Love and Light.

9-7-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My mental health counselor
3. Seeing my shadows
4. Feeling all my emotions
5. My car running well
6. Chanting
7. Creativity
8. Friends and connection
9. Unconditional Love
10. Flowing with life

Every person on the planet could use a little therapy. Yes I see a mental health counselor. She has helped me as a guide to see deeper into myself. I put in my list that I'm grateful for flowing with life. I felt flowing with life yesterday. Today I feel resistance. Resistance to trusting the flow, to trusting my process, to trusting my own processes and ability. I almost put "Resistance" on my grateful list rather than "Flowing". Resistance now tells me that I'm at the beginning of a big shift within myself, a transformation. I fall quickly back into that comfort of resisting new ideas, of resisting seeing my "shadows", parts of me that are dark and hidden. Flowing right now would look like me crying hard and loud, releasing sadness of what will never be and embracing and trusting my own truth. Trust.
Love and Light.

9-5-11 grateful for today

1. Day off from work

2. My adorable dog

3. Hanging out and sharing with friends

4. Openness and trust

5. Doing what I want all day

6. Responsibility for my actions

7. Unconditional love

8. Movies

9. Chanting

10. Time

I watched movies today. Three movies. I started the day with a movie, went to a movie with a friend and ended the day with a movie. On Friday I had Projects planned for the three day weekend. I was going to be Productive! I was going to Organize myself. I was going to Catch Up. I ended up sharing myself with friends and receiving their sharing and love. I like that. I enjoy that. The rest of the time when I was at home . . . . well, movies. For a long time, especially as a child, movies and tv shows were my friends. They were my escape from what was happening to me where I was too little and powerless to do anything. Little kids love to watch and rewatch and rewatch a movie or show. I still like to do that. It's like having an old friend over to reminisce. I like new good movies. I guess sometimes it's like a substitute from real experiences. Having experiences, new ones, and ones that feel familiar is what life is about. Experiencing life. Well, I became terrified of that at a young age and movies and tv shows were a "safe" way of experiencing life, without actually experiencing it. I could trick myself. It's a hard thing for me to let go of. Odd that I think of letting go of it when I'm in the industry being a video producer and have a passion for making movies. It's my intention I need to be aware of when I sit down for a movie. Like this morning it was to not be here, and this evening, to not be here, but the movie with my friend was inspiring and moving and got me wanting to make another movie.

Love and Light.

9-3-11 grateful for today

1.  Tai Chi
2.  My adorable dog
3.  Taking a risk
4.  Flowing with the moment
5.  Breathing
6.  Thunderstorms
7.  Healing action of cleaning
8.  Debt free
9.  Music
10.  Creativity and passion

I took a risk today and asked a man out to coffee after class today.  I took the risk of opening my heart and sharing my truth.  I am happy I risked it.  I am living in new experiences and feelings!  This is more than just surviving through the day.  More than following structure and rules.  This is me diving into an experience rather than have it happen to me.  I'm getting used to diving in.  I'm no longer sitting on the sidelines observing and recording.
Love and Light.

9-2-11 grateful for today

1.  Music
2.  My adorable dog
3.  My creative wonderful job
4.  Making mistakes and learning
5.  Breathing
6.  All people, creatures, and plants
7.  Friday!
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Choices
10.  Unconditional love

I've just made several mistakes in a row trying to do one thing in Adobe Flash.  I am learning this program, I'm new with it.  I feel my frustration welling up in me as I'm about to start over for the third time today, and probably the tenth time this week.  I am learning a lot.  I also have another daunting task to "squish" this into a 4:3 ratio because it will then be stretched out to a 16:9 wide screen monitor.  I don't know how I'm going to do that, and may have to redo the whole thing again squished.  And putting myself into this future task I become even more frustrated.  But I'm not there yet.  I'm here learning this program, the interface, how everything works, and I know a lot more than when I started on this thing on Monday.  I don't have a deadline, there isn't pressure to get this project done.  I can breathe and take my time.  I am grateful for making mistakes because I am learning and getting better everyday.
Love and Light.

9-1-11 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping well
3.  My car running well
4.  My wonderfully creative job learning new things
5.  Communication
6.  Connection with friends and hearts
7.  Calmness and peace
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Nature, sun, trees, wind, etc.
10.  Breathing freely and clearly.

It's a new month, September.  August was rough for me and I'm grateful for the experience I went through.  I found something medically odd in an area of my body that brings lots of past emotional trauma up for me.  And the medical issue was resolved a couple of days ago, so the whole month seemed to be longer for me.  I'm happy that I did not obsess over it every day the entire month.  I really gave myself permission to take a vacation from it for a week when I had a break in doctor's appointments.  I am grateful to my doctor being knowledgable in the medical issue, and moreso being understanding and compassionate about my personal emotional issues.  I'm grateful to my friends holding space and Light for me.  For my friend that went with me a couple of times, and my friend that came to my house after the last procedure to hold me.  I am grateful to have recieved all that love.  I've learned how to receive what I have been given and I add that to my being.
Love and Light.

8-31-11 grateful for today

1. Healing energy
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderful creative job
4. Challenges/Gifts
5. Openness
6. Life experiences
7. An outdoor project
8. Supportive friends
9. The Light
10. Unconditional love

I did have my medical procedure yesterday. My doctor was very caring and compassionate. Emotional stuff from my past did get triggered and I cried. My doctor was aware of my emotional stuff and was understanding and supportive. I am very grateful for my doctor and her care. I released my emotions that came up and I'm feeling open and calm today. I feel like I have walked through a hard experience and I expressed my feelings and showed my vulnerability. I feel great today.
Love and Light.

8-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My creative fun job
3. Learning new techniques
4. Unconditional love
5. My gentle, caring doctor
6. Personal growth processes I've learned
7. Endless possibilities in every moment
8. Freedom of expressing my emotions
9. My car running well
10. All my experiences

I'm a little scared today. I have a medical procedure that may be done today, I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon where I will find out, and if the test came back like they thought, they will do the procedure today. Nothing is life threatening, it will be done right there in the office. It's a less than minor procedure. I won't need to take off work tomorrow and I'll be a little uncomfortable is all. There. That's all the rationalization from my logical brain that doesn't want to deal with any emotions. My emotions? I'm scared. This is in a vulnerable part of my body and also, because of my past, vulnerable part of my emotional body. It's very possible that this will awaken buried emotions from a long time ago. So, my intention is to do my best, whatever that looks like today. To honor and express all my emotions. To give voice to my needs, especially of what I need to know during the procedure. And to accept everything in this day as what it is and life is wonderous, beautiful, and ever-changing.
Love and Light.

8-29-11 grateful for today

1. My car running well
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderful creative job
4. Music
5. Unconditional love
6. Endless opportunities in every moment
8. Choices and responsibility for those choices
9. Honoring all my emotions
10. Mastermind

I don't know what to write about today. I haven't been writing in my journal lately. I haven't been connecting with friends. There I am, focusing on things I lack, rather than on what I have rececieved. Okay, switch gears. I accept everything in this day as what it is and life is wonderous and beautiful and ever-changing.
Love and Light.

8-26-11 grateful for today

1. Drumming circle
2. Chanting and music
3. Creativity
4. Leaving work early
5. A beautiful day
6. Healing and caring for myself
7. My adorable dog
8. Music and headphones
9. Paper and pens and pencils
10. Love and all emotions.

I went to my women's drumming circle last night and it was a small group and wonderful. I missed last month by becoming sick on the way there. I ate way too much before I left very fast and I was nauseous so I went back home and didn't go. On the way last night, I again felt nauseous and I pushed through and went. I know that sometimes (used to be all the time a while ago) whenever I did something good, healthy, caring, or loving for myself I would feel nauseous and sick. Even after all the hard work I've done transforming old beliefs that no longer serve me, that one that I don't deserve anything good still persist following me around like the shadow that it is. I can see the Light that shines from every body else, I have a hard time seeing my own Light. Doubt is the shadow that dims it for me and sometimes I can't see through it. I deserve love and care for myself.
Love and Light.

8-25-11 grateful for today

1. Chanting
2. My adorable dog
3. Thunderstorms and a rainey day
4. My creatively free job
5. Unconditional love and support
6. Learning by example
7. Ease of living
8. Abundance
9. Endless possibility in every moment
10. Honor

I realized as I wrote number 6, Learning by example, that that is something I do well and at the same time try to deny it and am ashamed by it. I guess it's from growing up and trying to do what my brothers or cousins were doing. Everybody was older than me and I heard, "Don't copy your brother." "You're just trying to be like your cousin." I got the idea that it was a bad thing, or that I was taking something away from them if I wanted to do or try to do what they were doing. Like being a drummer like my cousin Mike. Or wanting to play the tuba like my brother Rick. Or program on the computer like my brother Steve. Then I think I need to come up with original ideas for commercials here in my new job as video producer. And I realized today that I can watch other commercials that look good to me and follow their example, their structure, rather than come up with everything all by myself. I now understand why art students will sketch another artists great piece of work. They are not trying to copy them to sell a copy of the others art, they are learning by tracing the lines, getting experience by trying to draw something that's already good so that they may use their skills to bring their own ideas to life more readily.
Love and Light.

8-24-11 grateful for today

1. My Niece, Happy Birthday!
2. Having an office mate
3. My wonderful creative job
4. A beautiful day with breezes and shade
5. Music
6. The Light
7. Endless possibilities in every moment
8. Unconditional love
9. Freedom of choices
10. Responsibility for me.

I'm having a wonderful day. I have lots of free time at work to learn new things and play around creatively with things, figuring out how to put out in video what is in my head. I'm feeling calm and relaxed and a part of everything today while my piece is uniquely me. I love today.
Love and Light.

8-22-11 grateful for today

1. New clothes
2. My wonderful job doing what I love
3. My adorable dog
4. Unconditional love
5. Actions of care
6. Music
7. Endless possibilities
8. Abundance
9. Life experiences
10. Headphones

I had a great weekend and put into practice my new belief: "My actions of cleaning are healing and caring". I have been taking care of my needs and care and also time for others and connection. My friend helped me get some new clothes which is wonderful. I am excited wearing a new outfit to work today. I have been wearing the same clothes for 5 years or more with only one new piece out of necessity. Shopping isn't my favorite thing, and I kept my annoyance for shopping in check. I am very happy looking good in my new clothes. Also, I'm not so concerned with how my house looks, it is a mess as I haven't been cleaning for years on some stuff. I am happy on my actions of cleaning this weekend and it doesn't matter that its messy again. I am now aware of my habit of dropping things whereever and not taking the extra couple of minutes to put them away. I'm happy with my life today.
Love and Light.