12-31-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Waking up naturally
3. Paying bills
4. Cleaning and Laundry
5. Breathing
6. My Life, all of it
7. Movies that touch my heart
8. Chanting
9. Honoring and expressing my emotions
10. Unconditional love.

My dog wanted his own grateful list today:
1. My person being home today
2. My toys and my person playing with me
3. Crawling under covers
4. Running
5. Napping in the late morning . . . and again in the afternoon
6. Lying in the sun
7. Walks with my person
8. Scratches and pets and lying on my person
9. Being in only this moment
10. Barking

There's a lot I can learn from my dog's list. If I lose touch of what gratitude feels like, if I over analyze and get into my head about what it means or why it's on my list or start getting lost on what "should" be on my list rather than what I feel grateful for, I watch my dog find and lie down in the small patch of sun coming through the window. I can see his gratitude, he is so grateful it comes out of him in a peaceful thankful way as he lies down and enjoys the sun on his fur.
Love and Light.

12-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Cool weather
4. Sleeping well
5. My heart hurting
6. Loving friends
7. Having the office to myself this week
8. Arms and legs and hands and feet and body
9. Touch and hugs
10. Happy Hour

Am I grateful for existing? I don't know. I wasn't able to put it on the list. I was able to put my heart hurting on my list. I am grateful for feeling this. I feel a deep hurt and it feels like its in the center of my chest. A deep sadness/hurt. My heart wanting to grow and I feel like another part of me is squeezing it small. Or another . . . . memory? energy? What or who am I without my heart? What is wrapped so tightly around my heart that tears when my heart grows?
Love and Light.

12-29-11 grateful for today

1. Cool weather
2. My adorable dog
3. Loving my friends
4. Committments
5. Laughter
6. Being of service
7. My car running well
8. Joy
9. Writing
10. Expression

I had a hard time coming up with 10 things this morning. I feel preoccupied with some of my old buried feelings coming forward in me. My mind keeps telling me, "I don't know what to do with them." And my heart tells me, "Feel them. The gift is within feeling them fully." That bridge I've been asked to create between my head and my heart is feeling my feelings fully and witnessing for myself with understanding from my mind. My mind resists. I ask for help and guidance from the Light (Spirit/God).
Love and Light.

12-28-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Allowing my emotions to reveal my path to healing
3. Meditation
4. Chanting
5. Experiencing life
6. Wonderment
7. The beginners mind
8. Faith and trust
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Committment

I am tired today. I didn't sleep much last night. I had a big day. Yesterday during session a lot of buried emotion was brought forward and I made a big committment for the next 5 months. I feel hurt and sadness from a long time ago that I need to release. I didn't release it last night because I was tired and needed sleep. I didn't sleep. I didn't release it this morning because I needed to make sure that my therapist understood what happened so long ago. I don't fully understand. I'm not releasing it now because I am at work. This is the suffering I put myself through, putting off truly feeling this deep wound of hurt, to touch it lovingly, to give it air, because all of that means I will finally hurt deeply. I know I will survive hurting deeply. I already have. It happened so long ago and I buried the hurt away until I was strong enough to survive it. Until I knew that there is beautiful gift of feeling all of life more deeply now because of it. I am okay.
Love and Light.

12-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable sleepy dog
2. My car running well
3. A nice relaxing morning
4. My computer running well
5. Mental health counseling later today
6. Going with the flow of change
7. Endless possibilities in every moment
8. The TV off at work
9. Unconditional love
10. Faith and Trust

Is there a difference between Faith and Trust? I need to be mindful and bring these in my life today. I am grateful for my therapy session scheduled today. What I tend to forget is to trust my therapist and have faith in the process of healing. I am bringing those things with me today. Trust and Faith. I just got a piece of understanding. I used to think that I struggle with embracing trust and faith, with doing those actions. And really trusting and believing are quite easy for me to do. What I struggle with is letting go of my fear. I struggle with my habit of pushing trust and faith away from me, my habit of having to have it all figured out before hand, my habit of running in my imagination every terrible thing that could happen. I struggle with letting go of fear.
Love and Light.

12-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. The day off
3. Chanting
4. Writing
5. Free to express my emotions
6. Staying home
7. Perseverance
8. Baby steps
9. Strength and courage
10. Unconditional love

I don't really want to be writing this post or coming up with things I'm grateful for today. I was looking forward to staying home and not having anything planned or anywhere that I needed to go. Now I'm sitting here and I'm forced to take a long uninterrupted look at what a mess my life is. Let me narrow that down and make it not so general. I have my desk littered with bills unpaid and a budget not looked at for a month. I have my dining room table piled high with projects half finished, paper that was thrown there because I don't know what to do with it and other miscellaneous things that fall under the category "I want to keep this but I don't know why and I don't know where to put it." Things I keep lose the honor I have for them if I don't find a place in my home for them. Just like project I don't honor to make time to finish for them. And I sit looking around, overwhelmed with stuff and clutter. Time to make room for me in my own house! Time find places for all things whether with me or with someone/place else. First off, I'm taking the christmas tree down. That will make some room.
Love and Light.

12-25-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping in
3. Incredibly detailed, entertaining dreams
4. opening presents
5. Quaker meeting
6. Sharing feelings with friends
7. Love and Joy
8. Taking time to play
9. Surrounding all with love
10. Endless possibilities in every moment.

Me and my dog opened presents from my mom this morning. My dog loves to open boxes and things and see what's in them. It was fun this morning. I got what I asked for, and I'm so excited. A Kindle. I carry around many books for reference, spiritual, affirmations, they help me to be centered, they also help make my bag very heavy. So, I'm happy for this little device that can hold all the books for me. Then I ran into frustration because the only way to register it is through a wifi connection. I do not have one. I've been dragging my feet and this has to do with my resistance to change also. So, frustration and resistance to the nudge to make my place wireless. BLAH! I breathe and honor my emotions, anger, sadness and breathe some more. I'm going to Meeting and I enjoy my Kindle and the nudge. Merry Christmas to all, and to all BREATHE!
Love and Light.

12-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping in
3. Chanting
4. Silence
5. Abundance
6. Time
7. Relaxing
8. Going at my pace
9. Honoring all my emotions
10. Unconditional love

I'm behind on getting my Christmas cards and candies out to friends this year. I decided that it all is going to be late. I haven't quite figured out how the time got so far away from me and I have a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with depression that I wasn't acknowledging to myself. I have turned my AC on a low tempurature because its 80 degrees and humid outside. Not very Christmassy for a northern woman. I'm taking my time and relaxing getting my cards and candies out and I know I have next week to do them. The trap I fall into is procrastinating and next thing I know it's next Christmas and I'm still trying to get this Christmas out (that's happened to me a few years ago).
Love and Light.

12-23-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. All the people on my path of life
4. Endless possibilities in every moment
5. Love and Light
6. Christmas music
7. Knowing that there is snow falling somewhere in the world
8. Abundance
9. Honoring all my emotions and others emotions
10. Peace within

Being in South Florida it is Christmas time and sunny and warm. People were down at the condo pool swimming last night. I slept last night with no covers because it was too hot. I'm from up north and I miss the cold. I miss the changing of the seasons. It helps me to know that time is passing. I feel that time doesn't pass down here when it's 80 degrees all year long. I'm grateful to know that it is snowing elsewhere. Seasons are changing for others, if not for me. I'm grateful that my brother is driving around in snow and ice in Denver. I'm also grateful that my brother is a good driver. Wishing all Love and Light everyday and wishing that all remember that there is Love and Light everyday.

12-22-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Learning new skills
3. My car running well
4. Happiness
5. Abundance
6. Unconditional Love
7. Creativity
8. Sharing my gifts
9. Listening and being heard
10. Honoring my emotions

I am calm and at peace today. Work is slow and I'm putting my attention to learning new skills and techniques. I am grateful that I have nothing planned tonight. I'll be going home and lovingly doing chores and things I need to do for me. Remembering to bring love into these things for myself is my challenge.
Love and Light.

12-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Reflection
3. My car running well
4. Being of service
5. Unconditional love
6. Support
7. Communication
8. My heart opening
9. Happy hour
10. Abundance

I'm getting better at discernments. Feelings and intentions below actions. Intuitions below really listening. The difference between displaying a medal because I want to show off the medal and proudly wearing the experience and what I learned from it. There's a lot of "look what I did!" longing for witness to our experience. A "Mom, Mom, look at me" as kids. Was I watched as a witness to what was an amazing experience to me, or was I watched with annoyance of a mundane action of children, or was I watched at all. I recently was asked to participate as part of a group and the role is not readily defined, I wouldn't be a participant, nor a facilitator, they called it a guide. I was hesitant because I was worried about myself, about performing well in my role assigned to me. This is a personal growth group and my feeling of honor at being asked didn't click until I realized that my purpose in the group would be to answer the question "How can I be of service here?" Then my joy and honor to fulfill that purpose was clear. I brought that question to work and the pressure I felt to perform well and impress my bosses and co-workers fell away. It's slow right now at work and sometimes the best way I can serve is to warm my chair and be available for what comes up. And, always, to create and imagine.
Love and Light.

12-19-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Good friends
4. My car running well
5. Music
6. Forgiveness
7. Compassion
8. Being held in the Light
9. All of life's experiences
10. All my emotions

My life has been busy the last couple of weeks. This always happens at this time of year, there are parties to go to, friends to see, and the general feeling of time speeding up from everybody around me. I've been enjoying the parties going on and I'm grateful that this week I am not planning anything in the evening for this week. Hang on a moment, checking my calendar and already I have things planned through Wednesday, *sigh*. It is important to me to have some time to myself and I have a hard time telling friends no. I breathe deeply and know I need to take care of myself first. All will be alright. Life will go on and lessons will be learned when I have time to sit in silence and listen inside. I make that time for myself.
Love and Light.

12-16-11 grateful for today

1. Sleeping well
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. Breathing
5. Sharing spiritual rituals with friends
6. Having a date for Saturday night
7. Creativity and design
8. Joy and Love
9. Community and noble friends
10. Enjoyment of every emotion and experience

There is a way of being where I enjoy every experience and emotion, even sadness, hurtful, and painful things. I'm aware of when I'm in the mode and I wonder if I am taking away from those emotions and I don't believe I am. I think I am in those emotions even further. I guess it's similar to what I've heard "runners high" is. Where a runner pushes themselves and past the pain of running they get a kind of euphoria and the pain of running is enjoyable? I don't know, I've never experienced it. Maybe "enjoy" is not the right word for what I've felt. Well, let me try to explain when I know I'm not "enjoying" every experience and emotion. I have a tendency to resist feeling emotion. I know a lot of people and in general our culture tends to train us to resist feeling hurt, sad, anger, pain. I know that I also have a tendency to resist feeling happy, joy and fun. When I resist feeling my emotions or feeling the experience I'm having (trapped in analyzing in a cold objective scientific way), I am not feeling "enjoyment". I am not feeling and that resistence of feeling any emotion is a suffering. A dampening of spirit, of truth, a pouring of water on a fire. A lot of smoke and not able to see or breathe life clearly. Allowing all my feelings flow through me, I feel alive, an enjoyment, a full (I don't know the word) spirit. I am not good at this yet. I catch myself resisting and struggle with letting go of that resistance. I know how I want to experience life.
Love and Light.

12-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Love and Light
4. Sleeping
5. Existing for love and joy
6. Trust and Faith
7. Music
8. Warm jacket
9. Abundance
10. Holiday Parade

the Holiday Parade is tonight. I will be out there with the camera crew shooting it. It is so much fun, it has become my holiday tradition. The days are busying up and my schedule is filling up. I am needing some alone time to process emotions and catch up on reading for a class I'm taking and make up hours at work and do my spiritual practices and go to parties and deliver candies. Tis the season.
Love and Light.

12-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Movies
4. Happy Hour
5. China Spring take out restaurant
6. Honoring my boundaries
7. The Light
8. My energy/chi
9. Water
10. Unconditional Love

My Mom left this morning and flew back to Michigan. Our visit went well. I shared with her a lot of the spiritual practices I have been discovering. I also rested a lot.
Love and Light.

12-9-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. A half day at work
6. My mom here visiting
7. My talent and creativity
8. Unconditional love
9. Looking at obstacles and struggles directly
10. Peanut butter balls

The visit with my mom is going really well. We are talking and experiencing and sharing emotions. It's new for us and I feel very vulnerable with my mom, moreso than my friends. I am doing my best and am looking forward to spending the rest of today and the weekend with her.
Love and Light.

12-8-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. My car running well
4. Half day at work
5. Silence
6. Creativity
7. Learning new ways to create
8. Expressing my emotions
9. Going through every experience with love
10. The Light within every person

My mom is staying with me for a week, and I have to go to work some while she is here. I got up at 5 am and took the dog for a walk. When we got back, he ran over to mom and jumped on her and licked her face with his tail wagging madly. It is extremely hard to be mad at a happy dog who is so excited to see you because he missed you during his 10 minute walk.
Love and Light.

12-7-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Lessons and gifts in every experience
3. My wonderful free job
4. Abundance
5. This day in whatever comes in it
6. Breathing
7. Cleaning
8. All of my emotions
9. Unconditional love
10. Eyes to see the light in others

I had to stop on some errands after working 12 hours. It's not normal for me to work 12 hours in a row, so I was tired and forcing myself to stop at the grocery store and Wal-Mart. I could feel myself while driving to these places that I was already making it a terribly unpleasant thing for me to do. I was grumbling to myself and darkening my mood, when I realized that it was my choice to go to these places and my choice how I approached them. I then brought love into what I was doing. I wasn't happy bouncy because I honored my tiredness and knew I had to struggle to stay focused. I accepted my choice to do errands with love. So, as I walked into these places, I saw other people with their tired faces set in grim determination and annoyance. Almost all of them avoiding looking in the eyes of anybody else. I looked at everybody with love and searched out their eyes and when I did see into the eyes of those people, I saw their light within and I was blessed with seeing them brighten with that light and smile. It was amazing.
Love and Light.

12-6-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Working extra hours
4. Honoring my own pace
5. feeling and experiencing life fully
6. Sore muscles
7. Water
8. Chanting
9. Breathing deeply and clearly
10. Unconditional love

I was up late last night working. I am grateful that my job and my boss will allow me the flexibility to work longer days so that I will be able to take comp time when my mom comes to visit this week (because I have no more vacation days left). I feel tired and slower today and that's okay.
Love and Light

12-5-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Wonderful friends that support me and stick with me
3. Feeling my sore muscles
4. My wonderful job
5. Breathing
6. Chanting
7. Experiencing life in every moment
8. Dreaming
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Unconditional love.

I finished the Warrior Dash (www.warriordash.com) on Saturday. Woo Hoo! I did every obstacle except for one wall. I know now I am capable of a lot more than what I thought. I am very grateful for my friends who stuck with me through the whole course and were cheering me on and giving me pointers and help. I ran some and learned how to breath and run at the same time. In the past I would avoid runs and running or even long marathon walks and things, because I used to run and automatically hold my breath and tense up. In my childhood it seemed like the only time I would run would be in terror and that's where I learned to hold my breath and tense up. I also had asthma and many of my forays into playing sports ended up with me going to the hospital before the game was over. I'm had been terrified of not being able to breath. Now I took the risk and tested my physical capability and I know that this is 2011 and not my childhood. I am so much more capable today. So, I am so proud of myself for finishing the Warrior Dash! I am proudly wearing my Warrior Helmet at work today!
Love and Light.

12-2-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Meditation
4. Gmail
5. Unconditional love
6. Each moment of each day
7. Cool weather
8. Creativity
9. Giving
10. My car running well

Today work migrated their email to gmail which I am very happy about because I love the organization of conversations and messages in gmail so much better than outlook. This gives me the opportunity to be aware of my experiencing change when the change is something I want. I can feel where I resist and I can see where I could choose to focus on the negative things and I'm glad I choose to flow with this change. Also, I receive the gift of observing my co-workers and how they resist change and I am able to surround myself with Love and Light and gently send back their negative energy to them with love. They will find their path through this change. I cannot go through it for them, they need to find their way and I hope to be supportive and loving along the way. I also receive the gift to practice staying in my joy of the change and not let my co-workers "suck me into" their resistance, nor deny my own joy out of shame that not everybody likes this. I honor my happiness of this change and honor their struggle with compassion. A nice little lesson for today.
Love and Light

12-1-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sage
3. Chanting
4. My creative job
5. Breathing
6. Silence
7. Sunlight
8. Cool weather
9. Unconditional love
10. Honoring all my emotions

I woke up this morning and groggily stumbled about as I sometimes do. I go through my morning routine and wake up gradually and feel a tiny sense of anxiety down deep. I chant to bring in love and spirituality into my day, and the tiny anxiety is still there. I see my sage and on impulse decide to sage and cleanse my apartment. I'm feeling fuller with joy of life and peace and the tiny anxiety is still there. I decide to ignore it and go into tasks of this modern life we live in and fire up the computer to pay a bill. As the computer is booting I look over to the sunshine streaming in the window and there in the rays are the feathers of the sage smoke slowly and gracefully dancing in the sun. I sit quietly and watch.
Love and Light.