1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Music
4. Unconditional Love
5. The Light
6. Faith and Trust
7. Strength and Courage
8. All my emotions
9. Meditation and relaxation
10. Feeling safe inside
Breathe. Deep breaths. Relax my shoulders. Relax the tension behind my eyes. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm supported. I'm okay. Love and Light.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
6-28-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful job
3. Flowing of life
4. Unconditional Love
5. The Light/Spirit
6. Friends and connections
7. Music
8. Silence
9. Meditation
10. Dancing
I'm okay this morning. While lying in bed last night, before going to sleep, I had a vision. That I could see Life flowing, could see the energy flowing through everything and when I opened myself to the flow, I felt everything deeply. There was a type of joy in feeling everything deeply, all my emotions, and they were intense. I thought of me as a child and could see how I would tense up and be like a rock in a stream and saw that life flowed around me, not through me. A fish swimming lets the stream flow through itself, literally the stream flows in and through it's gills. It is how it lives and breathes. I have a choice to close up and have life happen around me and I sink to the bottom like a lonely rock. Or I can open up and swim into and through life. Love and Light.
2. My wonderful job
3. Flowing of life
4. Unconditional Love
5. The Light/Spirit
6. Friends and connections
7. Music
8. Silence
9. Meditation
10. Dancing
I'm okay this morning. While lying in bed last night, before going to sleep, I had a vision. That I could see Life flowing, could see the energy flowing through everything and when I opened myself to the flow, I felt everything deeply. There was a type of joy in feeling everything deeply, all my emotions, and they were intense. I thought of me as a child and could see how I would tense up and be like a rock in a stream and saw that life flowed around me, not through me. A fish swimming lets the stream flow through itself, literally the stream flows in and through it's gills. It is how it lives and breathes. I have a choice to close up and have life happen around me and I sink to the bottom like a lonely rock. Or I can open up and swim into and through life. Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
6-27-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. Creativity and talent
5. My wonderful job
6. Dreams
7. Integrity
8. Being of service
9. The Light
10. Unconditional Love
Is it okay that I just post my list today? I don't know what to write about. I started and deleted several sentences. Nothing sounds right today. Love and Light.
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. Creativity and talent
5. My wonderful job
6. Dreams
7. Integrity
8. Being of service
9. The Light
10. Unconditional Love
Is it okay that I just post my list today? I don't know what to write about. I started and deleted several sentences. Nothing sounds right today. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
6-26-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful creative fun job
3. Creativity and ability
4. Friends and connection
5. My car running well
6. Sleeping and Breathing
7. Music
8. Unconditional Love
9. The Light
10. All my emotions
Today is a good day. I got to shoot the send off for the kids with cancer to go to ROCK camp. There was such good energy surrounding that place and it was fun and a great time. That was a good way to start my day. I didn't worry if I got the best shot or what shots I missed. I was there and I enjoyed it and I wanted to put my camera down and join in. That's me, I've been on sidelines, watching, recording life happening right in front of me. I now want to jump into life and LIVE IT! Let someone else run the camera, let someone else watch and witness. I want to help, I want to be of service. I want to live, oh great Spirit, I want to live! Love and Light.
2. My wonderful creative fun job
3. Creativity and ability
4. Friends and connection
5. My car running well
6. Sleeping and Breathing
7. Music
8. Unconditional Love
9. The Light
10. All my emotions
Today is a good day. I got to shoot the send off for the kids with cancer to go to ROCK camp. There was such good energy surrounding that place and it was fun and a great time. That was a good way to start my day. I didn't worry if I got the best shot or what shots I missed. I was there and I enjoyed it and I wanted to put my camera down and join in. That's me, I've been on sidelines, watching, recording life happening right in front of me. I now want to jump into life and LIVE IT! Let someone else run the camera, let someone else watch and witness. I want to help, I want to be of service. I want to live, oh great Spirit, I want to live! Love and Light.
Monday, June 25, 2012
6-25-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. Centering, sinking, grounding
6. Friends
7. Sleeping
8. Breathing
9. Safety
10. Understanding
This is one of those days where this list is very hard for me to write and the most important for me to do today. I feel like there isn't anything to be grateful for. Even the things on my list today, I feel sad about. I feel sad. I have much sadness that I've stuck inside. All this work in therapy and I realize that I still don't express my emotions as I'm feeling them. I wait till I'm alone, or at an appropriate time. Like right now, I feel like crying and sobbing and I won't because I'm at work and it's inappropriate and I hate that question from others, "What's wrong?" Because the answer is that "I'm wrong!" . . . *sigh* that's the unhealthy old belief answer. There's something perfect with me. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. Centering, sinking, grounding
6. Friends
7. Sleeping
8. Breathing
9. Safety
10. Understanding
This is one of those days where this list is very hard for me to write and the most important for me to do today. I feel like there isn't anything to be grateful for. Even the things on my list today, I feel sad about. I feel sad. I have much sadness that I've stuck inside. All this work in therapy and I realize that I still don't express my emotions as I'm feeling them. I wait till I'm alone, or at an appropriate time. Like right now, I feel like crying and sobbing and I won't because I'm at work and it's inappropriate and I hate that question from others, "What's wrong?" Because the answer is that "I'm wrong!" . . . *sigh* that's the unhealthy old belief answer. There's something perfect with me. Love and Light.
Friday, June 22, 2012
6-22-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Breathing
4. Ability to carry heavy equipment
5. Music
6. Chanting
7. Grounding, Centering, connecting with Light
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creativity and talent
Transforming and changing is uncomfortable. Me believing and behaving in new ways is uncomfortable. So uncomfortable to the point that I question that whether this new stuff I'm doing is healthy or not. I start doubting my ability to "walk thru" the uncomfortableness of it. Because what comes with doing the healthy thing are those emotions of mine that I have buried and stuffed away for years. That was why I was doing things the unhealthy way to begin with, to avoid feeling those other emotions. So, I have a strong urge to run back to my old unhealthy habits (incredibly strong, monumentally strong). To help me stay in these uncomfortable, sad, frightened, angry emotions to release them, I search for the Light within them. I search for the Light within me. I look to the Light that is all around and know that joy is not only expressing happiness, joy is also expressing every emotion and combination there of to its fullest experience. Joy is experiencing all of life and not holding anything. Love and Light.
2. Sleeping
3. Breathing
4. Ability to carry heavy equipment
5. Music
6. Chanting
7. Grounding, Centering, connecting with Light
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creativity and talent
Transforming and changing is uncomfortable. Me believing and behaving in new ways is uncomfortable. So uncomfortable to the point that I question that whether this new stuff I'm doing is healthy or not. I start doubting my ability to "walk thru" the uncomfortableness of it. Because what comes with doing the healthy thing are those emotions of mine that I have buried and stuffed away for years. That was why I was doing things the unhealthy way to begin with, to avoid feeling those other emotions. So, I have a strong urge to run back to my old unhealthy habits (incredibly strong, monumentally strong). To help me stay in these uncomfortable, sad, frightened, angry emotions to release them, I search for the Light within them. I search for the Light within me. I look to the Light that is all around and know that joy is not only expressing happiness, joy is also expressing every emotion and combination there of to its fullest experience. Joy is experiencing all of life and not holding anything. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
6-21-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My talent and ability
3. The earth
4. the Light and Love
5. Trust and Faith
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. HD camera
8. Music
9. Chanting
10. My car running well
Some of these things on my list today are things I want to be grateful for and I'm struggling at this moment to feel them. Light, Love, Trust, Faith. I have a video shoot this morning and I'm feeling lacking in my talent and ability. My boss seems flippant about the whole thing. I've written a script and it's shooting normal people, not actors for a 30 second commercial. I haven't been looking forward to this shoot because they are all going to look to me to make it great while nobody else wants to put the effort in to make it great . . . and that's what I've been focusing on, so I haven't wanted to make it great either. That's my responsibility as a producer, to be the drive, the visionary, the energy center, the one that everyone feeds off of to make it great. I'm trying to talk myself into being excited for this. I need to remember to come from a place of Love, not fear. I've been in fear about this. Come from Love, that's where the excitement and joy is. I am Love. I am talent. I am creativity. Love and Light.
2. My talent and ability
3. The earth
4. the Light and Love
5. Trust and Faith
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. HD camera
8. Music
9. Chanting
10. My car running well
Some of these things on my list today are things I want to be grateful for and I'm struggling at this moment to feel them. Light, Love, Trust, Faith. I have a video shoot this morning and I'm feeling lacking in my talent and ability. My boss seems flippant about the whole thing. I've written a script and it's shooting normal people, not actors for a 30 second commercial. I haven't been looking forward to this shoot because they are all going to look to me to make it great while nobody else wants to put the effort in to make it great . . . and that's what I've been focusing on, so I haven't wanted to make it great either. That's my responsibility as a producer, to be the drive, the visionary, the energy center, the one that everyone feeds off of to make it great. I'm trying to talk myself into being excited for this. I need to remember to come from a place of Love, not fear. I've been in fear about this. Come from Love, that's where the excitement and joy is. I am Love. I am talent. I am creativity. Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
6-20-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Safety
3. The earth, support
4. Friends
5. The rain
6. This new day
8. The Light holding and flowing through all
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Forgiveness
I've gained some insight into my fear of eating. With help from my therapist, I faced my fear of eating head on. I found that as a little kid I was taking in so much pain and confusion and sadness from those around me, I didn't understand then about energy transference, so the only thing that I could physically see going into me was food. So I believed that eating food made it so that all of other people's energy got into me and it hurt a lot. Little kids are completely open energetically. And my parents had no idea how to process their own emotions or even how to feel or express them, so their repressed energy of emotions would go into anybody and anything it could. I had no idea that any of that was happening then. I thought it was eating that, taking in food, was the way it all got inside me. Logical, made sense for a kid. Today I am facing my fear every time I eat. I am taking the time to be present and aware that I'm eating and that I'm only taking in the food, not everything. I am safe and honoring myself by eating, I am natural feeling hungry and desiring foods that I like. I am aware of chewing and swallowing. I stop a lot to breathe and release my fear and ground myself. I'm okay. Love and Light.
2. Safety
3. The earth, support
4. Friends
5. The rain
6. This new day
8. The Light holding and flowing through all
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Forgiveness
I've gained some insight into my fear of eating. With help from my therapist, I faced my fear of eating head on. I found that as a little kid I was taking in so much pain and confusion and sadness from those around me, I didn't understand then about energy transference, so the only thing that I could physically see going into me was food. So I believed that eating food made it so that all of other people's energy got into me and it hurt a lot. Little kids are completely open energetically. And my parents had no idea how to process their own emotions or even how to feel or express them, so their repressed energy of emotions would go into anybody and anything it could. I had no idea that any of that was happening then. I thought it was eating that, taking in food, was the way it all got inside me. Logical, made sense for a kid. Today I am facing my fear every time I eat. I am taking the time to be present and aware that I'm eating and that I'm only taking in the food, not everything. I am safe and honoring myself by eating, I am natural feeling hungry and desiring foods that I like. I am aware of chewing and swallowing. I stop a lot to breathe and release my fear and ground myself. I'm okay. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
6-19-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Mental Health counseling
3. All my emotions flowing
4. The sun, clouds, rain
5. Breathing
6. Creativity and ability
7. Friends and support
8. The earth
9. Dreams
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I don't want to write this today. I want to skip a day. Skip a day of living and just watch movies and play video games. Stick myself into complete illusion and not know anything of what I'm feeling or doing today. I've been doing that for some period of time every day. The time per day is growing. Which means I am receding away from living. Resistance of life. I have a session today with my therapist. I'm working on it. Love and Light.
2. Mental Health counseling
3. All my emotions flowing
4. The sun, clouds, rain
5. Breathing
6. Creativity and ability
7. Friends and support
8. The earth
9. Dreams
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I don't want to write this today. I want to skip a day. Skip a day of living and just watch movies and play video games. Stick myself into complete illusion and not know anything of what I'm feeling or doing today. I've been doing that for some period of time every day. The time per day is growing. Which means I am receding away from living. Resistance of life. I have a session today with my therapist. I'm working on it. Love and Light.
Monday, June 18, 2012
6-18-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Friends
3. My journal
4. This list
5. The Light
6. Letting go and taking down walls to connect without fear
7. Happy Hour
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creating space
I've been stuck in "how" and "what". What am I going to do about this eating problem I have? How am I going to transform eating and food into something enjoyable when its so very messed up now? I've been struggling with these question and staying present with eating and the powerful rage and terror and sadness that comes up. I don't want to eat anymore. My body is jumping on the bandwagon and now I have nausea to deal with when I eat. I went to a birthday party and I don't even know what I ate. The person I was hanging with at the party didn't want to go get food by herself, so when uncomfortable, or feeling unsafe, my answer is "okay." I had a full plate of I don't know what and I ate it all, without being present or even knowing if I was hungry or full. Driving home on the expressway, still disconnected from feeling anything so I didn't get any warning signals, I threwup all over myself. Not a proud moment. A shameful moment, like eating is full of shame. That was Friday. and a tortured weekend of how do I transform, what am I going to do about this . . . On Sunday at Meeting I received a message, "just create space." Way will open. Create space for my transformation to happen and wait upon the Light. Trust I will be led. So many times I want to "jump to the end." And being where I am right now is important. Connecting with the Light, Spirit, The energy of all, is not always the happy stuff. Allow myself to connect and feel my hurt, terror, anger, that is part of the Light also. White light is all the colors together. And all is joyful. Just create space.
Love and Light.
2. Friends
3. My journal
4. This list
5. The Light
6. Letting go and taking down walls to connect without fear
7. Happy Hour
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creating space
I've been stuck in "how" and "what". What am I going to do about this eating problem I have? How am I going to transform eating and food into something enjoyable when its so very messed up now? I've been struggling with these question and staying present with eating and the powerful rage and terror and sadness that comes up. I don't want to eat anymore. My body is jumping on the bandwagon and now I have nausea to deal with when I eat. I went to a birthday party and I don't even know what I ate. The person I was hanging with at the party didn't want to go get food by herself, so when uncomfortable, or feeling unsafe, my answer is "okay." I had a full plate of I don't know what and I ate it all, without being present or even knowing if I was hungry or full. Driving home on the expressway, still disconnected from feeling anything so I didn't get any warning signals, I threwup all over myself. Not a proud moment. A shameful moment, like eating is full of shame. That was Friday. and a tortured weekend of how do I transform, what am I going to do about this . . . On Sunday at Meeting I received a message, "just create space." Way will open. Create space for my transformation to happen and wait upon the Light. Trust I will be led. So many times I want to "jump to the end." And being where I am right now is important. Connecting with the Light, Spirit, The energy of all, is not always the happy stuff. Allow myself to connect and feel my hurt, terror, anger, that is part of the Light also. White light is all the colors together. And all is joyful. Just create space.
Love and Light.
Friday, June 15, 2012
6-15-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Friends
4. Unconditional Love
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Creativity and talent
8. My wonderful job
9. Affirmations
10. The Light
This is a day where being grateful and writing this list is an exercise towards Love and Light. Today is a hard day to come up with things to be grateful for. And today is a day where I need it more. It takes me a lot longer to come up with 10 things, and it helps to connect me to gratitude and love. Last night and this morning I was starting down the "life sucks" path. My brother has unbearable pressure in his head that has caused his vision to change drastically in 2 weeks. Something is pressing on his optic nerves and doctors don't know what yet. He's had several tests, all normal, so they are now at the place where they don't have an idea of what's wrong. My very good friend found out yesterday she has a brain tumor and needs to be operated on. I didn't sleep much last night. I was crying loudly into my pillow and this little voice inside my head is asking, "Do I have a good enough reason to be crying like this?" For years, this little question has stopped me from expressing my sadness because growing up I was told over and over that I had no reason to cry. For the first time I had an answer for this question. "I hurt." That's enough. I hurt. There doesn't need to be any more reasoning than that. Feeling the pain of my own struggles, Feeling the pain of watching my friends and family struggle. I hurt. Love and Light.
2. Breathing
3. Friends
4. Unconditional Love
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Creativity and talent
8. My wonderful job
9. Affirmations
10. The Light
This is a day where being grateful and writing this list is an exercise towards Love and Light. Today is a hard day to come up with things to be grateful for. And today is a day where I need it more. It takes me a lot longer to come up with 10 things, and it helps to connect me to gratitude and love. Last night and this morning I was starting down the "life sucks" path. My brother has unbearable pressure in his head that has caused his vision to change drastically in 2 weeks. Something is pressing on his optic nerves and doctors don't know what yet. He's had several tests, all normal, so they are now at the place where they don't have an idea of what's wrong. My very good friend found out yesterday she has a brain tumor and needs to be operated on. I didn't sleep much last night. I was crying loudly into my pillow and this little voice inside my head is asking, "Do I have a good enough reason to be crying like this?" For years, this little question has stopped me from expressing my sadness because growing up I was told over and over that I had no reason to cry. For the first time I had an answer for this question. "I hurt." That's enough. I hurt. There doesn't need to be any more reasoning than that. Feeling the pain of my own struggles, Feeling the pain of watching my friends and family struggle. I hurt. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
6-14-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Choices and responsibility
3. The Light
4. Chanting
5. Music
6. Ability to change and transform
7. Creativity and talent
8. The sun, the earth, the breeze
9. My car running well
10. Unconditional Love
I am safe, I am loved, I am doing my best. I have time, This will take time. I'm not feeling very positive or enlightened at the moment. So, this would be my que to take some time for me and do what I need to do to connect with The Light/Spirit. I want help with this and I have a hard time calling up a friend because I don't know what I want them to do to help. I don't know. I want to step thru this feeling all the steps and I'm held back by the part of me that does not want to do this at all. I feel the tension within me of both pulling and that is very uncomfortable and so I disconnect. I am staying present in this tension, in this wanting to walk through my emotions and feelings. I know that at the core is a deep resistance to life, from a long time ago. Eating is an act wanting to live. Eating healthy is an act of wanting to live joyously. I didn't want that before, so I developed issues around eating. I want that now and the process of transforming is painful.
Love and Light.
2. Choices and responsibility
3. The Light
4. Chanting
5. Music
6. Ability to change and transform
7. Creativity and talent
8. The sun, the earth, the breeze
9. My car running well
10. Unconditional Love
I am safe, I am loved, I am doing my best. I have time, This will take time. I'm not feeling very positive or enlightened at the moment. So, this would be my que to take some time for me and do what I need to do to connect with The Light/Spirit. I want help with this and I have a hard time calling up a friend because I don't know what I want them to do to help. I don't know. I want to step thru this feeling all the steps and I'm held back by the part of me that does not want to do this at all. I feel the tension within me of both pulling and that is very uncomfortable and so I disconnect. I am staying present in this tension, in this wanting to walk through my emotions and feelings. I know that at the core is a deep resistance to life, from a long time ago. Eating is an act wanting to live. Eating healthy is an act of wanting to live joyously. I didn't want that before, so I developed issues around eating. I want that now and the process of transforming is painful.
Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
6-13-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful creative job
3. My car running well
4. Creativity and talent
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Music
7. Chanting
8. Meditation
9. Allowing my emotions to flow
10. Unconditional Love
I'm the one creating this struggle and issues around food. I know that just being aware of that fact doesn't automatically change it. Too many people in our society think that it does. Yes, I've created the act of eating for me to become something filled with terror and rage. Yes, it's unhealthy. Yes, I can logically and rationally see that eating is a natural part of life and a beautiful and enjoyable way to nourish my body and soul. My logical and rational mind does not control nor effect my emotions. My emotions need to be processed. There was a reason that I connected eating with these emotions, at some point eating or the act of was terribly unsafe for me. I need to process and release and create a new process where I can separate these emotions from eating and create new connections to joy and life. I am in process. I choose to create new connections. Love and Light.
2. My wonderful creative job
3. My car running well
4. Creativity and talent
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Music
7. Chanting
8. Meditation
9. Allowing my emotions to flow
10. Unconditional Love
I'm the one creating this struggle and issues around food. I know that just being aware of that fact doesn't automatically change it. Too many people in our society think that it does. Yes, I've created the act of eating for me to become something filled with terror and rage. Yes, it's unhealthy. Yes, I can logically and rationally see that eating is a natural part of life and a beautiful and enjoyable way to nourish my body and soul. My logical and rational mind does not control nor effect my emotions. My emotions need to be processed. There was a reason that I connected eating with these emotions, at some point eating or the act of was terribly unsafe for me. I need to process and release and create a new process where I can separate these emotions from eating and create new connections to joy and life. I am in process. I choose to create new connections. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
6-12-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Music
4. Meditation
5. Chanting
6. My car running well
7. My Brain
8. Friends
9. Mastermind
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up at 3 am and then it was hard to get up with the alarm. I know the signs and can feel myself sinking into depression. Being aware of my emotions around eating and food is very hard. It's every day. My little kid inside decides the way to get away from it is to not eat, and that doesn't work because being hungry triggers anger, being full triggers fear, eating till I'm sick triggers sadness and shame. It's taking all I can do to love myself and be gentle with myself and be aware. I am the only one that can keep myself from sinking into depression. I chant, I meditate, I connect with The Light, I feel supported by the earth below me, I feel safe within, I am always loved no matter how I end up eating or what emotions I feel or deny to get through my day. I'm tired of just getting through days. I deserve joy and love and peace. I forgive myself as I struggle. Love and Light.
2. Sleeping
3. Music
4. Meditation
5. Chanting
6. My car running well
7. My Brain
8. Friends
9. Mastermind
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up at 3 am and then it was hard to get up with the alarm. I know the signs and can feel myself sinking into depression. Being aware of my emotions around eating and food is very hard. It's every day. My little kid inside decides the way to get away from it is to not eat, and that doesn't work because being hungry triggers anger, being full triggers fear, eating till I'm sick triggers sadness and shame. It's taking all I can do to love myself and be gentle with myself and be aware. I am the only one that can keep myself from sinking into depression. I chant, I meditate, I connect with The Light, I feel supported by the earth below me, I feel safe within, I am always loved no matter how I end up eating or what emotions I feel or deny to get through my day. I'm tired of just getting through days. I deserve joy and love and peace. I forgive myself as I struggle. Love and Light.
Monday, June 11, 2012
6-11-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Relaxation and meditation
4. The Light
5. Music
6. The Sun, the Moon, the Earth
7. Fulfilling my needs
8. Friends and family
9. Unconditional Love
10. Choices and responsibility
With all my years of going to mental health counseling, I am able to see that my deep core issue is that I believe that "There is something wrong with me." That's my belief that pops up when I struggle with emotions triggered with eating, when my past memories of abuse seem overwhelming, when I flow with the waves of life from the crest into the deep valley and feel hurt, sad, afraid, anger, shame. That belief started a long time ago and this weekend I realized that I am the one recreating this belief for myself now. I have food and eating issues, lots of rage and terror get triggered when I'm around food or need to think about it. I'm recreating my belief that "there is something wrong with me" when I allow my powerful emotions to overwhelm me and I tell myself that I can't deal with eating because its multiple times a day. When I tell myself it's too much to handle. When I tell myself I'm going to lose my mind if I have to be aware of my eating and emotions every time I need to eat. I'm the one recreating "There is something wrong with me." Because implied in that is that I'm not able to heal. I was not able to heal as a child because just surviving was all I could do. I am an adult now. I have the tools to process my emotions, to release, to feel, to heal. Yes, it is a struggle without a break, without time to step back from it to get perspective. "There is something perfect with me." Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Relaxation and meditation
4. The Light
5. Music
6. The Sun, the Moon, the Earth
7. Fulfilling my needs
8. Friends and family
9. Unconditional Love
10. Choices and responsibility
With all my years of going to mental health counseling, I am able to see that my deep core issue is that I believe that "There is something wrong with me." That's my belief that pops up when I struggle with emotions triggered with eating, when my past memories of abuse seem overwhelming, when I flow with the waves of life from the crest into the deep valley and feel hurt, sad, afraid, anger, shame. That belief started a long time ago and this weekend I realized that I am the one recreating this belief for myself now. I have food and eating issues, lots of rage and terror get triggered when I'm around food or need to think about it. I'm recreating my belief that "there is something wrong with me" when I allow my powerful emotions to overwhelm me and I tell myself that I can't deal with eating because its multiple times a day. When I tell myself it's too much to handle. When I tell myself I'm going to lose my mind if I have to be aware of my eating and emotions every time I need to eat. I'm the one recreating "There is something wrong with me." Because implied in that is that I'm not able to heal. I was not able to heal as a child because just surviving was all I could do. I am an adult now. I have the tools to process my emotions, to release, to feel, to heal. Yes, it is a struggle without a break, without time to step back from it to get perspective. "There is something perfect with me." Love and Light.
Friday, June 8, 2012
6-8-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Abundance
3. My car running well
4. All my emotions honoring and expressing them
5. Music and chanting
6. Creativity and play
7. My wonderful job
8. Noble friends
9. The Light and guidance
10. Unconditional love
Awareness. I'm grateful for awareness. I am aware of my emotions surrounding eating and food. They are powerful and seem overwhelming. I feel rage and terror. I don't understand my emotions. This is difficult. I'm scared of getting lost, scared of going backwords in my growth, scared of where all this powerful emotion is coming from. I want to get an IV for a week and just shoot nutrients directly into my blood so I can step back and get some perspective. I have to face this several times a day and I run away, disconnect, distract, shut off my awareness just to survive to the next day. I'm tired of this. Love and Light.
2. Abundance
3. My car running well
4. All my emotions honoring and expressing them
5. Music and chanting
6. Creativity and play
7. My wonderful job
8. Noble friends
9. The Light and guidance
10. Unconditional love
Awareness. I'm grateful for awareness. I am aware of my emotions surrounding eating and food. They are powerful and seem overwhelming. I feel rage and terror. I don't understand my emotions. This is difficult. I'm scared of getting lost, scared of going backwords in my growth, scared of where all this powerful emotion is coming from. I want to get an IV for a week and just shoot nutrients directly into my blood so I can step back and get some perspective. I have to face this several times a day and I run away, disconnect, distract, shut off my awareness just to survive to the next day. I'm tired of this. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
6-7-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Therapy
5. My wonderful job
6. Music
7. My journal
8. Friends
9. The Light
10. Awareness
I am grateful for being alive. Part of being alive is nurturing and caring for myself. Part of caring for myself is eating and taking in nutrition. That's the part I want to ignore and deny and not have to deal with. I struggle with eating and food. Food and eating was an unhealthy part of my childhood, my Mom didn't have a healthy relationship with food and between being taught that and other trauma happening to me, my body, I developed unhealthy, damaging, emotional blocks with food, and the act of eating. I'm aware now that for me, when I'm conscious of eating, it is my anger and rage that is doing the eating, tearing, chewing. When I'm conscious and present, I eat until I am sick. I struggle because this is daily that I'm faced with these emotions that are stuck and tied to eating, and I'm not at a place where I can release and process these emotional attachments in a healthy way. I'm at work for lunch. I'm waking up and centering and grounding myself in the morning and then making breakfast and getting to work. I'm home at night with many of my own needs to fill, bills to pay, cleaning to do, and other emotional work to process. I don't have time to deal with my eating issues every time I have to eat and so I perpetuate my old unhealthy relationship with food. I eat in front of the TV completely disconnected and unaware that I'm eating. Angry that I'm hungry at all feeling as if my body is betraying me. Anything else I can take a break from to process emotions away from the behavior. I want a break from eating. It doesn't happen. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Therapy
5. My wonderful job
6. Music
7. My journal
8. Friends
9. The Light
10. Awareness
I am grateful for being alive. Part of being alive is nurturing and caring for myself. Part of caring for myself is eating and taking in nutrition. That's the part I want to ignore and deny and not have to deal with. I struggle with eating and food. Food and eating was an unhealthy part of my childhood, my Mom didn't have a healthy relationship with food and between being taught that and other trauma happening to me, my body, I developed unhealthy, damaging, emotional blocks with food, and the act of eating. I'm aware now that for me, when I'm conscious of eating, it is my anger and rage that is doing the eating, tearing, chewing. When I'm conscious and present, I eat until I am sick. I struggle because this is daily that I'm faced with these emotions that are stuck and tied to eating, and I'm not at a place where I can release and process these emotional attachments in a healthy way. I'm at work for lunch. I'm waking up and centering and grounding myself in the morning and then making breakfast and getting to work. I'm home at night with many of my own needs to fill, bills to pay, cleaning to do, and other emotional work to process. I don't have time to deal with my eating issues every time I have to eat and so I perpetuate my old unhealthy relationship with food. I eat in front of the TV completely disconnected and unaware that I'm eating. Angry that I'm hungry at all feeling as if my body is betraying me. Anything else I can take a break from to process emotions away from the behavior. I want a break from eating. It doesn't happen. Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
6-6-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. My wonderful job
5. The present moment
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Endless opportunities in every moment
8. Friends, community, connection
9. Honoring and feeling all my emotions all the way through
10. The Light
I had yesterday off of work and I had meant to post because I was grateful for a day off. Then the day got away from me and doing this project and that project and listening to music and dancing around my apartment. On Monday late morning I learned that a friend of mine had killed herself. This is the second time in my life that a friend had killed herself. Monday was also my birthday and it gave me perspective in a new way by learning about it on my birthday. Because I was going to kill myself on my birthday back in 2000. I the choice of suicide intimately myself and I am so very grateful for all the moments of Light appearing to me to keep me going with my life. I'm so very grateful I had the ability to see those moments of Light. There were those moments of Light for my friend, and she didn't see them. Life is a choice, I choose to see the moments of Light.
Love and Light.
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. My wonderful job
5. The present moment
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Endless opportunities in every moment
8. Friends, community, connection
9. Honoring and feeling all my emotions all the way through
10. The Light
I had yesterday off of work and I had meant to post because I was grateful for a day off. Then the day got away from me and doing this project and that project and listening to music and dancing around my apartment. On Monday late morning I learned that a friend of mine had killed herself. This is the second time in my life that a friend had killed herself. Monday was also my birthday and it gave me perspective in a new way by learning about it on my birthday. Because I was going to kill myself on my birthday back in 2000. I the choice of suicide intimately myself and I am so very grateful for all the moments of Light appearing to me to keep me going with my life. I'm so very grateful I had the ability to see those moments of Light. There were those moments of Light for my friend, and she didn't see them. Life is a choice, I choose to see the moments of Light.
Love and Light.
Monday, June 4, 2012
6-4-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Being born
3. My car running well
4. My wonderful creative job
5. Feeling my emotions all the way through
6. Unconditional Love
7. The Light
8. Following guidance
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Music
Happy Birthday to me. I have a long day at work and I enjoy my job, so that's good. I realize that I plan a lot of activities for myself, with friends, and appointments for my well-being. I need more time at my home. I feel good at my home, taking care of my needs and cleaning my place up. Parts of my home need to be gutted, like walls that need to be replaced, doors that need to be replaced. I will start by clearing out and purging what no longer serves me. I hold onto broken things that have sentimental value only and I know I can hold that sentiment in my heart. I don't need the object to hold it for me. I have the power and ability to hold my own energy. Love and Light.
2. Being born
3. My car running well
4. My wonderful creative job
5. Feeling my emotions all the way through
6. Unconditional Love
7. The Light
8. Following guidance
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Music
Happy Birthday to me. I have a long day at work and I enjoy my job, so that's good. I realize that I plan a lot of activities for myself, with friends, and appointments for my well-being. I need more time at my home. I feel good at my home, taking care of my needs and cleaning my place up. Parts of my home need to be gutted, like walls that need to be replaced, doors that need to be replaced. I will start by clearing out and purging what no longer serves me. I hold onto broken things that have sentimental value only and I know I can hold that sentiment in my heart. I don't need the object to hold it for me. I have the power and ability to hold my own energy. Love and Light.
Friday, June 1, 2012
6-1-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. A new month
4. Meeting all my emotional needs myself
5. Breathing
6. Love and Light
7. Music
8. Silence
9. All my emotions and all my experiences
10. Life touching my soul
Today is a decision day. I can decide to go back to my old way of being, closing off my heart and soul behind walls and retreating alone in the dark I create with my thick high walls. Or I can continue expanding my soul close to the surface of my being and let life touch it. I choose to fill my own needs and feel love for myself, and feel safe and secure on this earth, and I'm okay. I made a couple of mistakes last night. I followed powerful feelings that were not of Light. That's okay. I am aware. I forgive myself. I went off my path of Light a little bit, and I know where the path is. I'm getting back on it. Today is new, yesterday is gone. Those experiences are with me, and it was a lot of fun and I would like to try again and have fun and love and Light all at the same time. I choose to live in the world. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. A new month
4. Meeting all my emotional needs myself
5. Breathing
6. Love and Light
7. Music
8. Silence
9. All my emotions and all my experiences
10. Life touching my soul
Today is a decision day. I can decide to go back to my old way of being, closing off my heart and soul behind walls and retreating alone in the dark I create with my thick high walls. Or I can continue expanding my soul close to the surface of my being and let life touch it. I choose to fill my own needs and feel love for myself, and feel safe and secure on this earth, and I'm okay. I made a couple of mistakes last night. I followed powerful feelings that were not of Light. That's okay. I am aware. I forgive myself. I went off my path of Light a little bit, and I know where the path is. I'm getting back on it. Today is new, yesterday is gone. Those experiences are with me, and it was a lot of fun and I would like to try again and have fun and love and Light all at the same time. I choose to live in the world. Love and Light.
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