11-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  FALL, cool weather, leaves falling
3.  Trees and hills and curvy roads and country feeling
4.  My new apartment
5.  My car running well
6.  Breathing
7.  Awareness
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  Remembering this blog.

I have been away from this blog a long time.  Frankly, I forgot about it.  I got caught up in the moving and needing to get things packed and done and then moved.  Everything here is new and I got lost for a while, feeling like there was nothing to hold onto.  Everything changed.  All routines, places for all my stuff.  My work hours changed to noon to 9 pm which was a surprise, I was not prepared for that and I'm having a hard time adjusting.  I'm struggling at work with the way things run.  I love where I live and I have a beautiful view of the woods and trees right off my balcony.  I love the fall and the cold weather and wearing sweaters and sweatshirts and jackets.  I'm sorry I have been away for so long.  I am now back and working on getting this daily blog back into my routine as I very much need to remind myself what I am grateful for.  Love and Light.

10-4-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends
3.  Brothers
4.  Boxes
5.  Breathing
6.  Creativity and talent
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Mastermind
9.  Chanting
10.  Silence

For number 6 I almost put "the letter B".  Remember Sesame Street?  This has been brought to you by the letter B.  It's a Friday.  In one week from today, I will be in Georgia.  I'm so excited.  Love and Light.

10-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends
4.  Speaking honestly
5.  Listening
6.  Silence
7.  Chanting
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Compassion
10.  The Light

Day by day I am getting closer to my physical transition to Georgia from Florida.  I am so looking forward to starting a new adventure and chapter in my life.  And I'm sad in closing this chapter, saying goodbye to people and things and giving myself healthy closure.  I have changed a great deal in my time in Florida, and I will continue to change.  I will allow my transition to this different part of the country to change me.  I continue to be me and I continue to heal my old wounds and I continue to feel and be a part, an essential engaged part of life.  Love and Light.

10-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Chanting
4.  Friends
5.  Opportunities
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Closure and letting go
8.  Opening to new experiences
9.  Hugs
10.  Unconditional Love

I am excited for life and living today!  I have my going away party tonight and I'm excited and sad to see everybody tonight.  I need to say goodbye to this Florida adventure.  Love and Light.

10-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends
3.  My car running well
4.  Help and support
5.  The earth
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  The Light
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  Technology

I am feeling good today.  Interesting that my sleep patterns have changed.  I didn't realize how much I look at my bedside clock throughout the night until I packed it away in a box.  Last night I wake up and I have no idea what time it is.  I have no glowing clock to tell me the time.  I then go through a process of trusting the alarm on my phone will go off and wake me up.  It takes me longer to go back to sleep.  If I could see the time, then I would know that it's 2 or 3 am and I'm awake way too early and I know I have not missed my alarm and I can go back to sleep.  I can't see my clock, packed away in a box.  I need to trust, I keep myself safe, I sleep.  Love and Light.

9-30-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The Light
3.  Friends
4.  Creativity and talent
5.  Endless possibilities in every moment
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Therapy
8.  Change
9.  My car running well
10.  Meditation and chanting

I'm packing and I need to remind myself that stopping and meditating and letting this big move sink in is important.  Grounding myself and knowing I am always on the earth no matter where I go on the earth.  I am here.  Love and Light.

9-27-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Laughter
3.  Breathing
4.  Trust and Faith
5.  Unconditional love
6.  My car running well
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  The Light
9.  Friends
10.  Meditation and Silence

I am finding that I'm getting caught up in my twirling mind about all I need to do before, during, and after my big move.  When my stomach starts jumping around and my neck muscles spasm, I need to know that it is the perfect time to sit still, be silent, and let everything be exactly as it is.  I need gentleness and time.  How can one float down a river while having what looks like an epileptic fit?  I'll get down the river, probably bruised, and not aware that I have moved.  If I relax and float, the ride will be easier and life will still flow.  Love and Light.

9-26-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Freedom
5.  My voice
6.  Unconditional Love and Compassion
7.  Boxes
8.  The Light
9.  My car running well
10.  Music and chanting

I'm continuing to pack up and sort through my stuff and finding lots of "things" I do not want to let go of.  I'm really good at saving things, holding onto things.  I have many journals throughout my decades of living and many mementos and photo albums.  Things that mean a lot to me and are not physically replaceable.  Other things that I'm packing, I look at it and say I can buy a new one at my new place.  And I can move it and just have it.  I imagine moving things up the stairs to my new apartment that's on the second floor and no elevator.  I need to let go and trust the abundance of the earth and life and trust all I need is within me.   It still is nice to have my stuff.  Love and Light.

9-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Compassion and openness
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Therapy
5.  Friends
6.  Abundance
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  My car running well
10.  Leadings of my heart

I have air conditioning again.  The dog is feeling better.  I'm feeling better.  I'm packing up my house in more comfort.  The TV is packed away in a box and now I'll be even more productive.  My goal is to be completely packed up, except for a few spartan essentials, as soon as possible.  And so far I seem to be right on track.  Love and Light.

9-24-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  The Light
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  Breathing
6.  Chanting and Meditating
7.  Freedom
8.  Creativity and Talent
9.  Friends
10.  Air Conditioning

I'm learning about patients and letting go of control.  Since Saturday night my AC has been broken and it has been HOT here in South Florida.  I had my AC repair guy scheduled for last afternoon/evening and called the Condo building maintenance where I live, repeatedly to make sure the roof door would be unlocked so he could service my unit on the roof.  I'm telling you it has been a comedy of miscommunication and things not getting unlocked and the AC guy forgetting my appointment and coming late and the door being locked up again and then unlocked again after the AC guy left.  I am trying to get it all to happen together today.  I am not in control of the AC guy, nor am I in control of the roof door lock.  Surprisingly, I'm staying calm and in my heart and coming from a place of love.  I have allowed my anger and frustration to be expressed in healthy ways so I'm not denying my feelings either.  I know everything is going to work out fine today and I'm going to leave work early and camp out at the unlocked roof door just to make sure.  Love and Light.

9-23-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog

2.  My car running well

3.  Friends

4.  Air Conditioning

5.  Unconditional Love

6.  Forgiveness

7.  The Light

8.  Endless possibilities in every moment

9.  Freedom

10.  Ability to type

My AC stopped working on Saturday night.  I packed a lot of stuff while very hot yesterday.  Today I have my dog with me at work because it was too hot to leave him at home without any AC.  He is sleeping peacefully in the corner.  I had some help with packing and I realize how controlling I am when packing my stuff.  I need to receive help and allow people to help and let go.  It will all get done, it will all get to my new place.  Love and Light.

9-20-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends
3.  The Light in every person
4.  My car running well
5.  Breathing
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Abundance
8.  Pictures
9.  Heat wraps
10.  Calmness

I was the Master of Ceremonies at an outdoor event yesterday that included raffle prizes being given away every 10 minutes.  I had a wireless mic and was wandering through the event making announcements of the raffles and other things going on at the event.  About halfway through a strange and wonderful and fun thing happened, I became like the Pied Piper at the event.  A large amount of kids surrounded me and followed me around wherever I went at the event.  Most of them holding their raffle tickets hoping to win the next prize, then hoping to win the next prize.  They were asking me questions and telling me what they did at the event and who their friends were.  It was a lot of fun and I found it very amusing that they followed me everywhere.  Even after I told them I wouldn't call another number for 10 minutes and was going to get water, they stuck with me.  I've done these same events in the past and this never happened before.  Love and Light.

9-18-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Faith and Trust in going with the flow
4.  All of my emotions
5.  Friends
6.  Meditation
7.  Chanting
8.  Breathing
9.  Happy Hour
10.  The Light

I haven't posted for a while.  I own being out of integrity with myself and I'm not giving excuses.  My life has shifted in a big way.  I have accepted a new job in a new state (Georgia) and am in the midst of wrapping things up in my current job, packing and organizing to move in the beginning of October.  The Universe really wants me to learn the lesson of going with the flow, because this offer came out of the blue, unexpectedly.  And my new boss surprised me with starting work with her early by flying me out to New York this weekend to shoot an event for her.  I'm still working at my current job until October 9th and I guess this will be on the side until my official start date of October 14th.  I am struggling with going with the flow and trusting that I will have my flight information before I am actually supposed to be flying out on Friday.  I need to remember to take moments out of my day to meditate and ground myself, otherwise my brain starts spinning out of control with all the possibilities that have not happened yet.  I am here in this moment and all I have right now is this moment.  Breathe!  Love and Light.

9-5-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Trees, sun, clouds, grass, nature
3.  Animals, squirrels, all creatures
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  Grounded and anchored and free
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  The Light
8.  My car running well
9.  Choices
10.  Responsibility

I haven't been doing my list lately.  I was on vacation.  I know, it's not an excuse, I took my laptop and was able and had the opportunity to write my gratitude list, and I did not.  I forgot.  I was very happy to be back up in Michigan with all the old oaks and maples and aspens, sand dunes, trails through the forest, and Lake Michigan.  I had a beautiful and wonderful time.  And on one of my walks through the trails, I was fortunate and grateful to see a family of deer, a mama and two babies.  I'm now back in Florida, and ready to take off again tomorrow for Atlanta.  I have an interview up there and I'm hoping it goes well.  If so, I'll be moving north very soon!  Love and Light.

8-27-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Clear, honest, direct communication with Love
4.  Unconditional love
5.  My voice
6.  Creativity and talent
7.  Spirit, God, The Light
8.  Every moment
9.  All of my emotions
10.  All of my experiences.

I am doing wonderfully well today.  My heart is full of joy and possibility and openness.  I have learned to be open and vulnerable with safety.  I am safe.  I am loved.  I am love.  Life is amazing today and I will dive into and feel every day.  Love and Light.

8-23-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friday
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My car running well
5.  Friends
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Centering, Grounding, Meditation
8.  Trees, grass, sun, ocean
9.  The Light
10.  Breathing

Much love and light to the world.

8-21-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Happy Hour
3.  Peacefulness and calmness
4.  Flowing with life
5.  My car running well
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Ability to type
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  The Light
10.  Safe within myself

Happy Wednesday.  Love and Light.

8-20-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy session
3.  Friends
4.  Choices
5.  My car running well
6.  My big office space
7.  Freedom
8.  All of my emotions
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

Today.  Love and Light.

8-16-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  Unconditional Love and Light
4.  Help with speaking to people
5.  My car running well
6.  Breathing
7.  Letting go
8.  Being of service
9.  Awareness
10.  Choices

This is it for today.  Love and Light.

8-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  Friends
4.  Sharing
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  The Light
7.  Therapy session
8.  My car running well
9.  Air conditioning
10.  Breathing

Is it okay for me to be grateful for something that I don't have today, but I've had it in the past?  The air conditioning is not working here at my work and it's hot.  Having it not working, I am grateful for it working in the past.  Grateful that it was invented and exists.  Even though when it is working, I'm usually in a jacket here indoors in South Florida in the middle of summer.  Seems pretty silly.  I've done that a lot with my grateful list.  Put things in it that I want to be grateful for, but don't feel grateful for now.  Love and Light.

8-13-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Mastermind
3.  Creativity and Talent
4.  The Truth
5.  Choices
6.  Compassion
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  My car running well
9.  Friends
10.  All my emotions

I am currently going through a personal growth step that is hard and emotionally intense.  It is scary.  The odd thing is that I forget this.  I forget that the steps that I'm taking emotionally to resolve a trauma from my past are hard and scary and bring up a lot of emotion.  I'm at work barely getting through my day at work and I'm beating myself up, telling myself that I shouldn't be so upset, that these steps are a good thing.  These steps are a good thing and I incorrectly make that mean that they should be easy.  These are hard and scary and intense steps that I'm taking to resolve a trauma that I have been through.  I'm okay if I have a day that I just get through.  I'm okay if I have no energy at home.  I'm okay if I spend a long time crying and holding myself.  I need to remember that what I am doing emotionally for myself is hard.  Resolving trauma in itself is a transition and transitions are hard and stressful.  I need to remember to be gentle with myself and care and hold myself with compassion.  I am okay.  Love and Light.

8-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog

This is as far as I've gotten today.  Love and Light.

8-8-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends Journal
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  Mastermind
5.  The Light
6.  My car running well
7.  Choices
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  My laptop
10.  Nature

I want an iPad.  I'm debating with myself, do I need an iPad?  I like my iPhone and I'm constantly looking for apps to help me get organized, keep track of projects and most on the phone are too small for the screen for me to know what I'm doing.  I love my laptop as it is portable and yet it is not as portable as an iPad would be.  And then I get a lot of coworkers telling me to go with the PC-like tablets as they are less expensive . . . and I know I am a Mac.  I have so much less problems and less tweaking with my Mac/Apple products than other stuff.  And yes, Mac has frustrated and angered me, especially switching from PowerPC to Intel to where I cannot use any of my purchased (expensive) software on my new laptop.  My laptop is heavy, I do like taking my notes and "Brain" with me wherever I go.  I don't take out in places because even though it is small, compact and portable, it still feels clunky.  Will I use the iPad in the same way I use my laptop now?   Love and Light.

8-7-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Chanting
4.  Friends
5.  My creative fun job
6.  Freedom
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Choices
10.  Strength, Power and Courage

I've been complaining recently about not sleeping well, and being way too tired and not getting out of bed when my alarm goes off in the morning.  I've been dragging and just wanting to sleep.  I have not been wanting to admit to myself that my coffee drinking has been way overboard again.  I know when I stopped drinking coffee for 2 years, my sleeping was better and I was much more able to function and get up on time.  I didn't have this extreme grogginess going on.  So I complain about my drinking coffee, my not getting to sleep well, and wanting to stay in bed in the morning, and I have not been changing my coffee habit at all!!!  I tell myself, I need to stop drinking coffee.  I can do it, I did it before, I felt better when I did.  I switched to tea and hot cocoa.  Tea is provided here at work.  I need to drink lots more water.  I see myself thinking these things and my behavior seems completely disconnected from myself.  I am in charge of me.  I am in charge of my behavior.  Only I can change me.  Love and Light.

8-6-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Choices
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  My car running well
7.  Freedom
8.  Choices
9.  the Light
10.  Friends

I make commercials.  That is my job, my profession.  Filmmaking and video editing is my passion and right now I'm channeling it into making commercials.  It's a smallish cable TV provider that I work form and my creative team is me and me.  I come up with the concept, write the scripts, gather all the elements (stock footage, music, shoot footage), do any special effects, do the voice over, edit the whole thing and make it look good for broadcast.  I'm a one man band.  I like quality work.  Sometimes I drag my feet when I'm given an assignment like "make a spot for the channel moves coming up" because an informational spot can be so boring.  I need to be okay with myself when I make an "okay" spot.  Not every single spot I make has to push and challenge me to use some new tools or make it a fascinating spot.  It's weird, that when I decide to make an "okay generic" spot and make it very easy and boring, I drag my feet and procrastinate and put it off when the reason I made that decision was so that I could get it done and off my to-do pile fast.  I'm okay with just being okay today.  Love and Light.

8-5-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Choices
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Breathing
7.  Music
8.  The Light
9.  Meditation
10.  Unconditional Love

I was walking by Customer Service this morning and I caught only one phrase, "I was written up for that."  I have no idea what the person did or even the subject of what they were discussing.  I caught only that one phrase.  I thought that phrase sounded so sad.  And the person that was saying it has been with the company for years and is older than I am and as far as I know, a rock in customer service.  Maybe that's why I thought that phrase sounded even sadder.  The corporate world has become so black and white without any heart in it.  The managers "writing people up" for the infractions themselves and not treating each other as living breathing feeling people.  You give computers a rule and it will follow it, no questions, no sideways, no going around.  People are not like that, they are so much more than a computer.  They are so much more than rules.  People can feel compassion for each other and see the bigger picture, people can have great days and not so good days.  People have heart and need to be treated with love.  Corporations need guidelines and compassionate managers, and put people first.  Money has been such a goal for most business, money is only an object.  I say put people first over profits and your business will be so much more profitable.  Love and Light.

8-2-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Dancing
4.  Creativity and talent
5.  Easy day at work
6.  Flexibility
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Forgiveness
9.  Choices
10.  Friends

I need a vacation from my vacation.  I went up to Denver for the weekend and I feel like I'm taking longer to recover back into my routine than normal.  I will get back to normal soon.  Love and Light.

8-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Happy Hour
3.  Friends
4.  My car running well
5.  Unconditional love
6.  Choices
7.  Trust and Faith
8.  The Light
9.  Creativity and talent
10.  Breathing

Welcome to August.  Nothing profound today.  I'm glad I woke up and went to work.  I've been very productive last month and today.  Happy Hour tonight which will be fun.  Love and Light.

7-26-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Arfington Resorts
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  Choices
5.  Meditation
6.  My car running well
7.  Friends
8.  Family
9.  The Light
10.  Infinite space inside myself

I am anxious about more than one thing, and these same things I am excited about.  I know I am anxious because when I woke up this morning, my neck and shoulders felt like one piece of bone, like there weren't any joints in there at all.  I've been catching myself throughout the morning with my shoulders in my ears and I relax and stretch and try to let go.  I am safe.  I am going on an adventure.  I have an adventurous spirit.  I am meeting interesting and loving characters along the way.  Love and Light.

7-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Awareness
3.  After Effects
4.  Breathing
5.  Meditation
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  Relaxation
9.  Going with the flow
10.  Vacation time

I am grateful for vacation time now.  I've been trying to stay late and make up hours so that I don't have to use it.  And I'm paying attention to myself and I know I'm done for today.  No more creativity today and I need to take care of myself.  So I'm going home and taking the vacation time that I have available to me today.  Love and Light.

7-24-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  Playfulness
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  Strength, Power, and Courage
6.  Choices
7.  My job
8.  My car running well
9.  The Light
10.  This day

I'm feeling good this day, right now, which is all that exists is in this moment.  I'm working extra hours to make up for leaving early for appointments.  My brain is tired and I am using After Effects to make a cool, dynamic spot that is just full of logos.  There is definitely stretch in my imagination to make something interesting to watch when I have nothing but logos.  Love and Light.

7-23-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Choices
3.  All my emotions
4.  Breathing
5.  Speaking up
6.  Adventure
7.  Creativity and Talent
8.  My car running well
9.  The Light
10.  Unconditional Love

I am Superman!!  Quite often, throughout my day, I am asked the question, "How are you?"  A lot of times these are from people I don't even know.  I used to always feel uncomfortable answering this, knowing sometimes my answer of "Fine" is not anywhere near my truth.  Also knowing that I'm not comfortable sharing with complete strangers that I am sad, or lost, or sick.  A lot of time even acquaintances don't even want to really know the true answer.  Now I know how to answer.  When I am asked, "How are you?" I respond, "I am Superman!"  Because I just discovered the incredible amounts of strength and courage I possess and owning all my strength I can get through anything I'm feeling.  I am Superman!!  Love and Light.

7-19-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog

2.  Choices

3.  My car running well

4.  Endless possibilities in every moment

5.  Awareness

6.  Unconditional love

7.  Alive today

8.  Video games

9.  Movies

10.  Friends

I have been getting stuck in making a choice and then believing I have to stick with that choice no matter what.  I think the other choice disappears and is no longer available for me to choose.  In very few unique instances this is true, and not true in the majority of life.  I forget that every time I make a choice, I can change it.  Sometimes I change it unconsciously, not knowing that I sidestepped down another path because I'm definite of the choice I made so there's not a possibility that I could even fool myself and take a misstep.  I have the opportunity every day, every moment of every day to either be my wounds or heal from them.  Love and Light.

7-18-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  This day, this moment
4.  All my emotions
5.  All parts of me
6.  Breathing
7.  Creativity and Talent
8.  Awareness
9.  Expression
10.  The Light

I don't have anything coherent to say today.  My "tornado brain" has found me again and I chose to dive into it . . . or am I making the tornado myself . . . making everything incoherent in my brain somehow serves me . . . I'm not able to hold onto any thought.  This is a time for me to live in my heart and just love my tornado brain and let it tornado itself out.  Love and Light.

7-17-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Awareness
3.  Listening
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  Understanding
6.  Breathing
7.  Understanding
8.  My car running well
9.  My life
10.  All my emotions

I'm doing better.  I feel like I'm on the edge of some big realization.  One of those things that I've heard over and over and never got, or thought I got it and now I'm on the edge of feeling it.  I now know, and feel inside, and KNOW that it is my choice to choose.  I get to choose!!  I'm choosing for me!  What exactly am I choosing?  I'm not clear on that yet, and the fog is getting thinner and thinner.  Love and Light.

7-16-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friends
3.  My car running well
4.  Therapy
5.  Awareness
6.  Breathing
7.  Journal
8.  Movement
9.  My body
10.  The Light

I'm doing better than yesterday.  And still not that great emotionally.  For some reason I have been very productive at work.  Love and Light.

7-15-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Breathing
5.  . . . . .

I can't write this list today.  I'm feeling like I'm just too stupid and broken and worthless to be on this planet.  I'm angry, I'm very angry at myself today.  I've screwed up my life.  I've screwed up every opportunity to make my life better, to make it where I didn't struggle all the time.  Some struggle is a part of life, and I see other people get a break.  I'm not giving myself a break.  I go and go and go till I break, again.  I know how to be broken.  I have not learned yet how to be healed.  Love and Light.

7-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends
4.  The Light
5.  Breathing
6.  Sun, moon, stars, trees
7.  Water
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  Support
10.  Gentleness

I had tried the past 3 days to come up with 10 things to be grateful and I have not been able to.  There was one of those pictures with words on it that gets shared and re-shared on facebook and this one feels like it fits me for the past 3 days and today:  "Existing can be hard sometimes and that's okay. I am proud of you even if all you did today was exist."  I am here.  I exist.  Love and Light.

7-9-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  Breathing
4.  Hands and feet and my body
5.  Friends
6.  Therapy
7.  My car running well
8.  This beautiful day
9.  All my emotions flowing through me
10.  The Light

Grumpy and tired today.  I had an awareness this morning that I am afraid every morning.  Afraid to get out of bed and face the day.  What am I afraid of?  I dunno.  This has been a habit of mine for so long, that started so long ago, that I don't even know what I'm afraid of facing in the day.  It is a long time habit and I wasn't aware of my fear.  Well then, how could I be afraid if I didn't even know I was afraid?  The same way that driving to work, or to home tends to be done on autopilot.  You are aware and stop at all the stop lights and go through all the go lights, but are you really present and aware of driving completely?  It's the same thing.  I'm afraid and I habitually react to the morning as if I'm afraid and hit the snooze and go back under the covers, telling myself that I'm just tired.  No, this morning I was aware because I wanted to get up with the first alarm and not snooze, that's when I noticed my fear and also that it was so familiar to me to be afraid to get out of bed.  Now I know.  Now I can change it. Now I can see that there is not anything in my day to be afraid of.  Now I love my life and love my morning and choose to be excited that I have another day to do all the things that are amazing and wonderful in life, like breathing.  Love and Light.

7-8-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Breathing
4.  Sleeping
5.  Imagination
6.  Friends
7.  Short day at work
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Support
10.  The Light

10 things was too much today.  I put things on my list that I've been putting on it over and over.  I'm not feeling grateful today and I'm sorry that I don't.  I'm not going to lie or "fake it till I make it" or other crap like that.  I'm in a dark place today and there's training and tools to use to shift myself out of it.  And there's other training and tools that tells me to walk thru it and sit in the steam room to be able to get to the other side which is the shift.  So which am I supposed to do today?  I'm feeling like this is something to continue to sit and feel all the way through because my attempts at shifting myself to The Light are not working.  Love and Light.

7-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Caring friends
3.  Feeling and expressing all my emotions
4.  Breathing
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Sleeping
8.  The Light
9.  Drumming
10.  Chanting

Last night I had an interesting thought.  I remember thinking that it would be a great thing to put in my blog today.  I remember those things, but not the actual interesting thought.  It will come back.  Probably when I'm not in the middle of a lot of distractions at work.  Love and Light.

7-2-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy
3.  Surrendering
4.  Leadings
5.  Breathing
6.  Support from friends
7.  Sleeping
8.  Letting go
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Willingness to forgive

I'm having trouble forgiving someone for denying completely something they did.  Not only the hurt for what they did just seems too deep . . .  the betrayal feels like it's continuous.  I feel the betrayal every time the denial is reiterated.  On some level, from the work I've been doing, I know forgiving will allow me to release feeling betrayed every time, forgiving will somehow enable me to see the Truth beyond and allow me to hear their denial without taking it within me every time.  I'm not sure how to do this, so my idea of what forgiving will be like may be skewed at this time.  I do know positively I will feel more peace in forgiving.  The thing is, I don't want to forgive.  I am hurt and betrayed and want the whole world to know!  This is where willingness is so graceful.  I pray for the willingness to forgive.  I pray for the desire to forgive.  That is my first step.  Love and Light.

7-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity
3.  Connection
4.  The Light
5.  Friends
6.  My car running well
7.  Family especially my brother
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  My life, all of it.

Here I am waiting to run the remote cameras for a commission meeting. It's evenin now & I had this screen up all day at work & could only come up with three things on it. I definitely was not staring at it all day. I was on my other 2 computers doing work, but I would glance at this screen throughout the day wondering what I would put on it . . . So I put it off. Procrastination is one of my constant habits. I was going to say struggles & really it's not hard at all for me to procrastinate. I feel bad about myself & usually make myself feel overwhelmed which is what I'm more comfortable with feeling than joy & time & space. I am transforming & it is becoming harder to procrastinate & easier to feel joy, time & space. I believe I just found my new mantra. Love & Light.

6-28-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  Friends
4.  Learning
5.  Music
6.  Dancing and moving
7.  My car running well
8.  Knowing there is a enough time for everything
9.  Sacred space
10.  The Light

Hello and welcome to Friday!  I am learning and practicing more and more to allow my emotions to flow through me.  To not stop them at all.  I got triggered by something and I felt like a very scared little girl and I allowed my fear to express out of me through tears, while at the same time being loving and gentle and caring with myself knowing I am an adult and I care and protect myself.  It was a good practice.  It's interesting that I use the word "practice".  Growing up there was not support to "try" new things.  There was no "giving something a try" as in my house it was "do it right or don't do it at all."  So when in a growth therapy setting they are teaching to not use the word "try" at all because if you try you will not succeed, you are putting your energy into trying, attempting, giving yourself an out to fail. Be positive in your statements and say "I am" or "I do".  Which I very much understand from this perspective and people that do half-assed attempts because in their minds they are only "trying".  For me I get triggered and the world closes in because I would make it mean that there is no room for me to make a mistake.  There would be no room for me to do my all out best and make a mistake, I feel I have to do it perfect the first time.  So, I use the word "practice".  This provides the space I need.  Doing my best and allowing room to try new things out and make mistakes.  I am loving and gentle to myself and I practiced this today.  Love and Light.

6-27-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My life
3.  Knowing that there is time for everything
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Learning
6.  Awareness
7.  Love
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  Flowing
10.  The Light

I got my list done today!  Not much else to report.  Much Love and Light to the world.

6-26-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Unconditional love
3.  Breath of life
4.  My life
5.  Endless possibilities in every moment
6.  Joy
7.  All my emotions flowing through
8.  Surrender
9.  Giving gifts
10.  The Light

All my friends are doing so well and succeeding and accomplishing some big goals.  I send much love, Light and happiness to all my friends.  Love and Light.

6-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Living
3.  Breathing
4.  My car running well
5.  Friends
6.  Creativity
7.  Technology for sharing
8.  All emotions
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  The Light

I've been working in a flow.  I flow from this to something else and back to something else again.  A lot of pieces were worked on today and nothing was finished.  I'm flowing through work.  I'm not sure if it works as well as getting focused on one thing and getting it done.  Then going to the next thing.  I seem to be happier today.  Love and Light.

6-24-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  God is my breath of life
3.  Breathing
4.  My body
5.  My car running well
6.  All my emotions flowing thru me
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Friends
10.  The Light

I had an amazing weekend retreat.  I feel connected to all of life and every person.  I feel I am a part of God.  All of us are.  There are a lot of phrases of wisdom that are about being in the present moment.  Be here now.  Be fully present in this moment.  Taking only the phrases and trying to do that may be frustrating.  Or, like me, I understand the concept and then think I'm doing it, try to feel I'm doing it, and wondering if I'm being present at all.  For me, over the work I did last weekend, I now realize that the work is in releasing myself from what I am carrying around with me.  I do not attain being fully in the present moment just by power of will.  I also need to be willing to let go of the past and allow it to be in my past.  This is spiritually and energetically as well as mindfully.  It's interesting that because I'm now trying to write about it, I understand all of the other things I read about this.  I read them and I thought I knew what they were about, but now I have finally experienced letting go and being fully present.  I know what I thought I was doing before was not being fully present, now I am, and now that I'm trying to write about it, I find I'm using the same words and phrases that I've read in the past and didn't fully understand until now.  It's like whistling.  It can be explained and explained as to how to do it and the only way anybody will be able to whistle is to try to do it and continually adjust their lips and their airflow and try to whistle until one day the sound comes out.  Then that person tries to explain how to do it to another person.  To be fully present in this moment, keep trying to do it until you truly feel it.  Love and Light.

6-21-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My office all to myself
3.  Quiet and silence
4.  Relaxing go with the flow
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Group retreat weekend
7.  The Light
8.  Excitement
9.  All experiences and emotions
10.  Unconditional Love

I'm so excited for the weekend.  My soul is Pure and Light and Well.  I am well.  Love and Light.

6-20-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  Silence
5.  Music
6.  Creativity and talent
7.  Openness
8.  Vulnerability
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  The Light

It's Thursday.  Yesterday I thought it was Thursday.  Today I'm thinking it's Friday, but no, it is Thursday.  If I was on a deserted island like in the movie "Cast Away", would I be as vigilant as the main character to so diligently keep track of the day and dates?  No, definitely not.  Especially because I can't remember how many days are in each month.  It's not the same and it irks me if I think about it too much.  At one point in my life I tried to make my own calendar and even out the number of months and days of the week and days in a month, or even come up with whole new words and definitions of days and units of measurement   I wanted the metric system of time divided up by those easy units of 10.  But how does one do that when the year is 365.25?  [Sigh]  So today is Thursday, I thought it was Friday, but that is tomorrow.  Love and Light.

6-19-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Endless possibilities in every moment
3.  Unconditional love
4.  Breathing
5.  Awareness
6.  Great friends
7.  All of life and all of nature
8.  Music and chanting
9.  Creativity and talent
10.  The Light

There is a Quaker story told about a meeting between George Fox and William Penn.  The story goes that William Penn was a recent Quaker by convincement and was struggling with the question of wearing his sword or not.  Wearing a sword back then was part of normal dress of those of a certain status.  So even though the story when told usually focuses on the non-violence part of Quakerism and the sword was concern to William Penn as it is a weapon of violence, I also believe it had to do with being a status symbol in the community and addressed also the equality part of Quakerism.  The story as I heard it, as William Penn was struggling with his habit of wearing his sword, he asked George Fox how long he would be wearing his sword.  And George Fox replied, "Wear it as long as you can."

When I first heard this story, I thought it was talking about personal convincement.  When one fully accepts the Quaker testimonies, one would not be able to "wear the sword".  Recently, this story came to me to enlighten another aspect of my personal work.  I go to mental health counseling, and have done lots of work on healing my childhood trauma.  I survived through abuse, and part of the processing through and healing, is sometimes going back to those times to learn what "decisions" I made about myself and the world and to see if I need and want to change those decisions.  The process is not forced upon me, I'm the one that lets go and goes to whatever time my "soul" needs to show me where I turned away from the Light in order to survive.  Lately, after years of therapy and growth, I have been surprised to be still going back to some of the same times of abuse and getting more insight and more healing.  I've been wondering how many more times will I need to go back to those painful times to heal.  Then I felt the story of William Penn and his sword.  And I will go back as long as I can to heal.  Love and Light.

6-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  My car running well
4.  Music
5.  Chanting
6.  Writing
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Courage
9.  Stepping forward
10.  The Light

So, I've given myself a goal to call and talk to a professional organizer about cleaning up my home.  I'm scared to call.  As soon as I say I'm going to call and talk to her, a committee starts up in my head telling me all the things I know I want to organize in my house and I know how to organize them.  I just haven't been doing it.  I haven't been getting off my butt and just doing it.  And it's not a goal to hire the organizer and set a date, it's just to talk to her and tell her what's going on with me.  I'm afraid she's going to come in like a whirlwind and throw out stuff I don't want her to throw out.  Just Breathe. Just call and talk to her.  I'm safe.  Love and Light.

6-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Flowing with all of life
5.  Excellent friends
6.  Rain
7.  Breathing
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Freedom in my job
10.  The Light

I realize that I have only been looking at half of a cycle.  A lot of my readings and lessons lately are telling me to make my way through all my experiences.  To not get bogged down or stop halfway or try to avoid feeling pain and hurt.  Or try to avoid feeling joy.  There are lots of quotes and spiritual writings that tell of getting through the pain of loss there will be an opening greater than what was before.  On the other side of feeling hurt all the way through is a gift and joy.  I was not one to believe these sayings or teachings.  I only saw that joy brought pain.  I only saw that joy didn't last and I was once more thrown into hurt.  I avoided both and shut down feeling.  I now can see that it is a cycle.  Life continues with experience after experience and there will be both joy and hurt that will come through.  It will only pass through if I let it pass, if I don't stop and hold on.  Picture a wheel and joy is at the top and pain is at the bottom and it turns and turns through pain through joy.  All is life.  I only saw one half of this wheel before and I know of people that only see the other half.  Seeing all of it and allowing the wheel to turn is peace.  Love and Light.

6-11-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My brother
5.  Breathing
6.  Opening
7.  The Light
8.  Creativity and Talent
9.  Joy and fun
10.  Unconditional Love

I started this list yesterday morning and became very busy.  I realized this morning that I hadn't finished it yet, so I just continued.  I've realized that I had been taking every opportunity to "beat myself up."  If I start something, I have the intention to complete it, and then I become sidetracked, or priorities shift, or just moving from my office to my home changes what I was thinking about doing.  Have you ever gotten up from one room, walked into another room with intention, but when you get in the other room you forgot why you went in there?  Those are the things that I berate myself for.  I find a project that I started weeks ago and realize I haven't had one thought about it in all those weeks and I get mad at myself.  I spend time telling myself how horrible I am.  I sit down and wallow in what I am making something horrible about myself.  I am stopping this today!  Right now!  When I find a project and/or remember a task to do, I'm going to tell myself: "YAY, how cool is that idea and project I started.  I now get to work on it some more.  This project is cool and wonderful!"   This will be different and right now it sounds very silly to me (there's that old self-debasing habit already showing up) and I will do it.  I will remember to say how wonderful to find all these projects to finish!  I am amazing and wonderful and I create sacred joyful space for myself.  Love and Light.

6-6-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Connected to everyone and everything
3.  Chanting
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  The Light
6.  My car running well
7.  Music
8.  Short day at work
9.  Creativity and talent
10.  Sleeping

I did this practice this morning to feel connected to everyone and everything.  I like this very much.  I imagine my heart with Light rays pouring out of it and connecting to other people's hearts and their Light rays coming back to me.  Like a circular breath.  I included my neighbors and coworkers and family and community and friends.  The more I included the brighter and bigger the Light became.  We live in an abundance of Light and Love.  I ask with the Light in me and I am answered with the Light in you.  Love and Light.

6-4-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My Birthday
3.  My car running well
4.  Mastermind
5.  Friends
6.  Support
7.  Chanting
8.  Creativity and Talent
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

Happy Birthday to me!  I woke up this morning to my dog wagging his tail and cuddling with me.  I asked him what he got me for my birthday and he wagged his tail and rubbed his head under my chin making silly little groaning noises.  I told him that he is my gift every day.  Every day loving him and him loving me.  Every day is my gift, not just on my birthday.  Every day is new and fresh and blank ready for me to create it to be what it becomes.  Love and Light.

6-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping in
3.  Friends
4.  Awarenesses and ability to change
5.  Endless possibilities in every moment
6.  Rain
7.  Silence
8.  Chanting
9.  Sharing
10.  The Light

I'm having a nice rainy day at home, well, morning at least.  I need to make a decision for the afternoon, whether or not to stay in and putter around the house cleaning, or go into work to make up some time.  If I don't go into work, I will need to use vacation hours and I am getting low and it's only June.  I am feeling calm and really the best physically I've felt in a long time.  I have laundry going and dishwasher going, and I have an audio project or a graphic art project that are calling me.  I have finances and budgeting and bills to pay.  I have the living room to clean and rearrange since I got rid of my couch.  Right now, I feel like a nap.  Love and Light.

5-31-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and Talent
3.  Endless possibilities in every moment
4.  My car running well
5.  Chanting
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Friends
8.  Automatic transcription in Soundbooth
9.  Headphones
10.  The Light

I'm tired of having headaches.  Vitamin D!  I'm deficient.  Seems odd that I would be living in the "Sunshine State" and yet I haven't been to the beach in months.  I haven't been outside much at all in months.  Love and Light.

5-29-30 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Group therapy
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Rain and thunderstorms
7.  My car running well
8.  Abundance
9.  Typing
10.  The Light

Tired today.  Not much else to say.  Love and Light.

5-27-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Movies
3.  Day off from work
4.  Space
5.  Music
6.  Chanting
7.  Love
8.  Life
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  Incense

I'm taking care of finances today.  I've been putting it off a couple of months to where I have no idea the amount in my bank account or if I can cover my bills.  Back about 10 years ago, I was making a lot of money and I literally could not spend it faster than I was making it.  I never kept track of anything of what I was spending as my bank account kept growing.  Then I went into a period where I was counting every penny and barely paying my bills.  I was living on $50 worth of groceries a week.  It can be done and I never got skinny (LOTS of pasta).  Now I'm kinda in the middle.  I need to pay attention, but I don't struggle to pay my mortgage.  I need to pay attention if I want to do something special, like a vacation.  It's good to stay aware of finances and at the same time not worry about them.  Love and Light.

5-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Hanging out with a good friend
4.  Creativity & talent
5.  Choices & responsibility
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  The Light
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Posting this blog from my phone
10.  Trees & grass & earth & nature

I have an opportunity today to do everything I do from a place of love. First up on the agenda is a commercial shoot with an untrained family of non-actors. And also trying to do a special effects shot that I'm not sure I can pull off. I had several dreams last night where I showed up hours late to the shoot. Or I was paranoid that I was going to be late. In the past I would let me "default" feelings of fear then dictate how I would go thru the day, full of fear. I now have a choice to let the fear to and approach this shoot with love and joy. This is going to be an experience & I will do everything I can to make it a fun & loving experience for everybody. I'm excited to see what happens. Love and Light.

5-23-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Unconditional love
4.  Chanting
5.  Short days at work
6.  The Light
7.  Music
8.  Life
9.  Balance
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

I was contemplating how I don't like being in a hurry.  My favorite speed is moseying.  I like drifting.  I like stillness and silence.  Rarely am I rushing around or pushing to get something done.  I was thinking how this is male and female energy.  The male energy, like the sperm, constantly moving, swimming, striving for it's goal, constantly pushing along, go, go, go.  And the female energy, like the egg, just drifting along, moseying down the fallopian tubes, going with the flow, and looking for a place to attach, to nest.  I need more balance between my male and female energies.  I think a little bit of going at a faster pace at times would be good for me.  Love and Light.

5-22-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  My car running well
4.  Happy Hour
5.  Coughing up gunk
6.  Seeing, walking, talking, typing
7.  Speaking my Truth
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Colors
10.  The Light

I'm alive today.  I had bloodwork drawn at 11 am and I needed to fast before it.  I was so hungry at lunch.  I'm alive and experiencing life.  Love and Light.

5-21-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Silence
3.  Endless possibilities in every moment
4.  Chanting
5.  Meditating
6.  Therapy
7.  Libraries
8.  Freedom and creativity in my job
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

I have the power to create what I need.  I was at work this morning and I was annoyed.  I've had a low grade headache for a month that has been draining on me, and this morning the extra noise from the TV that my officemate "needs to have on for noise" was grating on me.  I could tell I was going downhill with my attitude and my anger was starting to come out sideways.  I had a conference call first thing in the morning and I'm a visual person, I have a hard time paying attention to audio only and I was fading in and out of the conference call.  I was just not feeling well or able to concentrate and I know I need more concentration than normal on a conference call.  So that added to the TV being on causing distraction for me, and a busy day planned, I was ready to scream and throw things.  I didn't.  I ended up taking my laptop and working at the library, the quiet, almost silent library.  I am so grateful to have the freedom to be able to go to a quiet place when I need that extra quietness to think straight and focus.  I have been more productive in an hour at the library than I would have been at my office.  I need to remember to find the place for me that I need to work.  Love and Light.

5-18-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Acupuncture
4.  Chanting
5.  Creativity
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Sacredness
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light.

I've already have had years and years of experiences.  I can look ahead and imagine the years and years of experiences I'm going to have.  Some people look ahead at all those coming experiences and feel fear, as those people hold onto past experiences of struggle and pain coloring their future.  This is where I get stuck.  This is where I freeze and don't experience anything because I am afraid.  Some people look ahead excitedly at those coming experiences and race headlong into everything often experiencing the same pain and hurt over and over, as those people dump their past experiences in the forgotten dust just as soon as they are over.

I’ve learned to be fully in the experience I am having right now.  And that means to honor my experience and treat it sacred.  And that also means ALL my experiences, ALL my emotions.  The times I’ve felt amazing joy AND the times I’ve felt deep hurt.  Experience them with honor and sacredness.  Each of my experiences are mine alone.  No one will experience life in the unique way that I have experienced it.  I am the one to choose who to share those experiences with.  I am the one to find the lesson in each experience, to hold the lesson and let the experience go.  I need to be in this experience now, honoring myself.  I am sacred.  Love and Light.

5-17-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  My car running well
4.  Dreams
5.  Chanting
6.  Silence
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light

I feel this sickness in my body.  Well, I'm not going to call it a sickness.  I'm going to call it a transition. There are things that I believed about myself, and how I relate to the world since I was very very young.  Some psychologists call this "imprinting".  I've found that this is imprinted on a very cellular level.  Now if I get into a lot of the technical and scientific findings, that brain chemistry cascades down through body chemistry, that changing my thought/belief/attitude will actually cause a chemical cascading reaction changing the chemistry of my brain and throughout my body.  Without going into all that, I feel in my physical body, the transition from my old false beliefs about the world, switching to my new Truth beliefs that I've always known.  My Truth, my Light has been buried under my false beliefs and fears that I've held so tightly.  Held in my very body and now releasing them is like releasing toxins.  For anybody that's ever gone through a "cleanse" knows the feeling of toxins released from the body.  That's what I believe this sickness is, my releasing of my old deep imprinted beliefs.  And I've made it my sickness and it's lasting so long because I am not letting go of what had served me so well in my childhood.  It no longer does and I habitually hang on.  Today I let go of my struggle and allow the life I've created now to hold me gently and lovingly.  Love and Light.

5-16-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Breathing
4.  Chanting
5.  Sleeping
6.  Inspiration
7.  Learning new things
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Healing Light
10.  Friends

Love and Light.

5-15-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Therapy
4.  Being of service
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Breathing
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  All my experiences
9.  Good friends
10.  Preciousness

Again I have not slept well, or much at all.  I'm at work trying to think straight and focus.  Not doing very well in either subject.  My emotions are very close to my surface.  I have therapy later today and my soul already is starting to work.  This weird "business time" we force ourselves to do every weekday in our culture.  Forcing ourselves to fit our mind, emotions, and body into a predetermined framework of "acceptable work" is not natural.  There are limited number of sick days to take, and I normally don't use all of mine, or very many.  This year, this past month my body has needed more than I have.  There are many days where I need sleep past the time my predetermined alarm is going off.  Are we really better off having the faceless "appropriate work traditions" ignoring my basic needs for natural waking, for healthy emotional expression, for feeling the breeze and sun as I work?  Am I blaming something completely intangible outside myself when I need to release my own resistance within?  Love and Light.

5-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Mastermind
5.  Music
6.  Unconditional Love
8.  Flowing with the Light
9.  Rest and relaxation
10.  All my experiences

I don't have any words of wisdom today.  I'm on a steroid pack for this insidious mild cold that I've had for weeks.  The steroid pack is not for the cold.  I have asthma and my breathing gets bad and my lung tissue inflames when I have a cold, so it's for that.  I still don't like being on this pack.  My breathing is a lot better, but I don't sleep at all when taking this steroid pack.  For 6 days I'm awake.  I'm surprisingly functional during this time, but I still don't like how my body feels.  Oh well.  I am breathing better which is good.  Hopefully this cold will stop hanging onto me, or me to it.  Holding myself in gentle Love and Light.

5-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Quakers
3.  Friends
4.  My car running well
5.  Hot tea
6.  Music
7.  Chanting
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  That of God in all.

I'm sick with a cold yet again or more appropriately, still.  It seems to go away and then comes back.  I'm grateful for my awareness that this is connected to decisions I've made recently about my physical body.  Decisions that I also made a long time ago and buried away as I opted to function more like a robot than having any REAL connection or communication with my own body.  In my past and even recent past, most pains or discomforts were ignored by me consciously and came out sideways at others in bursts of anger and annoyance and impatience.  Until the pain became so incredibly bad that I would have no choice but to pay attention to it.  And even then, I would minimize my own pain or illness saying that's it's not so bad.  I can push through it.  If I just ignore it, it will go away eventually.  I need to learn to treat myself, including my physical self sacred, with gentleness, compassion and caring.  A good friend texted me when she heard my cold has taken a turn for the worse and she said, "I hope you are treating yourself preciously."  I need to believe that I am precious.  I am precious.  Love and Light.

5-10-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friday
3.  The Light
4.  Music
5.  Chanting
6.  My freeform creative job
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light in every person and everything

As a Quaker, I believe that there is that of God, that of The Light, in every person and every thing.  My belief is tested this week hearing about the women in Cleveland, OH that were abducted and locked up and abused continuously for more than 10 years by a man.  First, I am grateful that the women have escaped and now can begin healing emotionally.  I send them much Love, Strength and Healing Light. Being a survivor of abuse myself, I can relate to the healing journey ahead of them.

As for the man, I meditate strongly on my belief that there is that of The Light in every person.  I want to say except for this man.  I know that is not True.  I don't know this man, I don't know any of the people involved.  I heard this story on the news just like everybody else.  I know his actions were not that of The Light.  I know each person has a choice to either be guided by Their Light which is connected to God, or to turn away from The Light.  Doing violence on another is turning away from The Light.  Turning away from The Light does not extinguish it, I believe it's still there in every person it may be locked away, buried under mountains of debris, and it's still there.  This man needs to be held accountable and responsible for his actions.  Having The Light, or having experiences that cause a person to turn away from The Light will never excuse a person's actions.  I am not with experience in law enforcement to advise or make suggestion on how he is to be held accountable.  For me, believing that there is The Light within him reminds me that he is human.  There are no such things as monsters, only those who choose to turn away.  Love and Light.

5-9-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  My car running well
4.  Chanting
5.  Being within
6.  Unconditional love
7.  Natural beauty
8.  The Light in every person
9.  Friends
10.  Choices and responsibility

I have in my head what I want to write about, but it feels like it's too much effort.  I'm tired.  Love and Light.

5-8-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends
4.  Journaling
5.  Creativity
6.  A good review
7.  Sun and trees and nature
8.  Happy Hour
9.  Headphones
10.  Relaxation

Hard time coming up with this list today.  I still have this mild continuous headache since April 19th and as I move into the afternoon, I feel I have a harder time keeping a thought in my head or focus on anything.  Love and Light.

5-7-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Friends
6.  Tigers
7.  Therapy
8.  Feeling safe within
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Choices and responsibility

I was meditating this morning and I was aware of how this practice has become a habit for me.  A habit of sitting still and breathing and aligning my spine, and aware that I have no feeling of spirit or connectedness.  I set a timer for 15 minutes as I was taught, and I've been struggling more and more to be here in the moment, and find my mind wandering to the next things I'm planning to do, or reviewing memories or movies I've watched, or replaying songs in my head.  I've not been filled with Spirit nor Peace.  I've been going through the motion.  From outside of me I look like I'm meditating deeply.  I know from inside I'm constantly trying to get out of my head and into my heart and body, trying to be in my center.  I didn't feel safe sitting there and I was getting progressively antsy.  I decided to put my thumb and forefingers together, which has been taught to me over and over in hypnotherapy processes to be an anchor for that deep safe place within.  15 plus years of hypnotherapy with my therapist going through a variety of processes and always we start with that place of deep safety within and the anchor of thumb and forefinger together to instantly take me there whenever I need to.  The thing is, when I'm out and about in the world and caught up in our culture, I forget that I have that anchor.  This morning when I touched my anchor, I instantly felt safe.  I felt my spine root in the earth.  I felt calm and peace.  I felt a sense of belonging to myself.  Interestingly enough, even feeling that which I had been longing to feel, I still was not able to hold my thumb and forefinger together for the whole 15 minutes.  I was afraid that if I went there too often, I would lose it.  That if I felt that way throughout the day, my feeling and sense of it would fade and it would become habit and a struggle to find again like my meditation.  Is it possible to live from my deep sense of safety within?  Love and Light.

5-6-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  The office to myself
4.  Beautiful cool breeze this morning
5.  Chanting
6.  Ability to type
7.  Awareness
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Spirit
10.  Choices and responsibility

I feel like I am on the edge of understanding why I procrastinate and self-sabotage.  I feel like I am on the edge of shifting to no longer goof off out of fear, put things off out of fear, play video games or watch tv rather than do the thing I really want to do.  I'm on the edge of understanding why I'm so afraid of doing the things I really want to do.  I'm so afraid of enjoying myself and being happy.  I'm right there on that edge, I can almost see . . . it's very blurry and I keep thinking the vision is going to become clearer, like adjusting binoculars.  Even when I finally understand, I will still need to take action, to actually do something to move forward.  Only I can do that for myself.  Love and Light.

5-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Friends
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Rest and Relaxation
9.  Communication
10.  The Light

I'm exhausted.  I need to catch up on sleep.  Lots of sleep.  Love and Light.

5-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Chanting
4.  Sleeping
5.  Reading
6.  Acupuncture
7.  All my emotions
8.  Honor and respect
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Gentleness

This is the first day since the 19th that I actually feel better a bit.  It's been a long haul, and my cold/congestion never got past the mild to medium stage.  Since it was a long haul, I believe I've suffered more in sleep deprivation than in really feeling ill.  I slept a full night last night and I still feel exhausted.  I have more sleep to catch up on.  Since I'm exhausted I feel like I have nothing interesting to say.  And moving my fingers across the keyboard to type feels like work today, when usually I feel nothing of it.  Most of the time I feel like I think things and it magically appears on the screen and I'm not consciously aware of my typing.  Today it is work.  Sleep more.  Love and Light.

4-29-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The Light
3.  Beautiful sky and day
4.  My car running well
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Beauty in everything
7.  Chanting
8.  Sleeping
9.  Breezes and light rain
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

I've been sick for 10 days now.  I have some sort of infection because what I cough up is discolored (gross!!).  Being grateful is hard because what I need is rest and staying home and recouperating, and according to our societal/work/money rules, I have to go to work because of allocated sick rules and payment and money rules.  I am grateful that I have an understanding boss and a flexible work schedule and I set my own deadlines and work to get done.  As long as everything gets done, they don't mind when I do it or what I do to get it done.  I need rest.  Love and Light.

4-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Noble friends
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Apple/Mac products and programs
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Honoring all my emotions
9.  Napping
10.  Reading a good book

Not much else to say today.  I went home sick from work.  Feeling miserable, physically and emotionally.  The Light always knows where I am, even when I can't see it.  Love and Light.

4-24-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  My car running well
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Openness
9.  Speaking my Truth
10.  The Light

I have been mildly sick with a cold since last Saturday.  A lot of feeling run down and generally ill.  The one thing that is annoying is this low-grade headache that doesn't seem to go away.  I'm not one to usually get headaches, its a rare occurrence for me.  Even in my dream last night, I had a headache.  I'm grateful that I have an understanding and caring boss and that I can do some easy things at work that aren't too concentration intensive, so I can relax a bit while I'm at work.  My life, when I slow down and look at it, has become in a space that's pretty relaxed and easy.  I'm the one getting worked up about every little thing.  I'm the one making my dirty cluttered house into an intense emotional wreck.  I get up, walk the dog, go to work, come home, walk the dog, and watch a movie.  Pretty easy.  It's just that I have a lot more going on emotionally than that.  Maybe that's why my days look so mundane.  Love and Light.

4-22-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Taking time for myself
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Meditating
6.  Running out of watching minutes on Netflix
7.  Regrouping
8.  Centering
9.  Speaking from my heart, the Light
10.  Unconditional Love

I have been sick all weekend and I'm feeling better today and I still took a sick day.  I'm learning to "finish up".  Most of my projects I get close to the finish, I can see the end, see the light at the end of the tunnel . . . and I stop.  I do something that screws it up, that prolongs it, or I just drop it and wander to the next project to start.  I do that when I'm sick.  I'm feeling better and I used to push it, I used to go back to work or do something when I needed that final day to rest to get completely over it.  Today, I took the day.  I took the day to rest, to completely recuperate, to finish off my cold.  I look around and see other unfinished things, just one or two steps from being done.  If I never complete the steps, I will never be able to move on.  I need to move on.  Love and Light.

4-18-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Flexible schedule at work
3.  Music
4.  Chanting
5.  Sleeping
6.  My car running well
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Sushi
10.  Friends

I feel lighter today and feel I have more Light shining through me.  Interesting that months ago when I was in a very dark place inside myself, depressed, and I felt desperate for friends, for someone to take me out of my darkness, there was not much interaction with my friends.  There were connections and my noble friends would suggest how I could take care of myself.  I can see now, looking back, that I chose to stay in my dark place.  I did work and get myself out of it.  Now that I'm open to more of my own Light, I have several requests and dates set for getting together with friends.  They are always there, my friends, just like the Light.  It was hard to remember when I was in the dark and couldn't see The Light, that the Light always knows where I am.  Love and Light.

4-17-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  All my emotions
4.  Sharing honestly
5.  My wonderfully creative job
6.  Journaling
7.  Silence
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Forgiveness
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

Today was a day.  It started out with issues dumped on me as I walked through the door.  My boss trying to talk to me about an issue (that could have waited) while I was live switching and controlling 4 cameras at an event (very hard to do even without trying to hold a conversation).  After being brain fried all morning, I had trouble getting my brain to work to be able to teach my intern how to edit a documentary together.  And then a therapy session after all that.  My day was amazing.  And there are endless possibilities in every moment.  AND endless perspectives in every moment.  I was definitely heading down the belief track of "bad day today" that leads to the pit of "life sucks".  My turning point was therapy.  I decided to be open and willing, and an amazing opening and revelation happened for me.  I had to slog through some hurt and tears and fear to get to it, and I stayed open and willing.  I need to bring that openness and willingness to every experience.  I need to express (if only to myself) when I'm scared and hurt.  A huge weight has been lifted off of me today, and I am grateful.  Love and Light.

4-16-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Endless possibilities in every moment
3.  Easy hair
4.  Music
5.  Friends
6.  Breathwork
7.  Creativity
8.

First time I was unable to come up with 10 things.  Depressed.  Love and Light.

4-15-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My brother
3.  My car running well
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Talent and ability
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  The Light
8.  Meditation
9.  Chanting
10.  Nature, trees, sun, moon

I'm anxious today.  I overslept this morning.  I was an hour and a half late, and it doesn't bother anybody here.  So, I guess I really wasn't late.  I'm anxious, I have an interview to shoot later this afternoon.  It's not an interview, it's a customer testimonial.  I need to get the customer comfortable being in front of the camera and then talk about my company in a positive way.  I let them talk and then I need to look at it later and edit it down to 30 seconds for a commercial.  I need to come from a place of love with this.  If I am anxious, I am coming from a place of fear.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough, I'm afraid that the customer will be afraid and not look good in front of the camera.  I need to come from place of love.  I love what I do.  I'm grateful my boss is coming with me to run the camera so I don't have to do everything.  I love that we are shooting in a park out in nature.  Fill myself with love and let my heart lead me and the customer will be calm and all will go well.  Refocus my perspective on what I do all day.  Love and Light.

4-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Quakers
3.  Chanting
4.  Meditation
5.  Nature, wind, sun, moon, trees
6.  Washing machine and dryer in my house
7.  Creating sacred space
8.  Innocence
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  That of the Light in every person and every thing.

In meditation this morning, and again at Meeting today, I struggled with connecting to the Light.  I struggled to feel Spirit flow through me, to feel the unconditional Love of the Universe, of God.  I was resisting it.  That seemed very strange to me that I was resisting was I very desperately wanted, connection with The Light.  To know and connect with that of God within me.  I resisted.  It didn't make sense.  I was feeling angry and resistant, I felt as the child having a temper tantrum because she is so very tired.  So very tired trying to understand this world and people, trying to understand the pain and terror that she grew up within.  I let go, I let myself feel anger and the pain and terror that came up behind it, I let go.  And I heard a voice saying one word over and over:  "Innocence, Innocence, Innocence "  To connect with the Light that is in all I need to let go of my past having a terrifying grip on my present moments.  Not forget.  Never forget.  I need to let go and step into the present with my Innocence.  With fresh eyes and an open heart to feel compassion and love now in this moment.  For a long time I felt I had lost my innocence at a very young age.  I had believed it was one of those things that when it was lost, I could never get it back.  I've learned that innocence is a feeling, well not quite, more like an openness, not quite that either, maybe the better words are a way to feel open.  I have innocence, I embody innocence whenever I choose to look at something fresh, when I choose to experience something or witness an experience with no judgement whatsoever.  NONE.  Try it, it's not easy.  Catch yourself as soon as you have a feeling or thought that says this is good or bad, this is beautiful or ugly, if you have any thoughts or feelings that start to separate the experience from what it is into boxes or categories or definitions.  Maybe this is what the mystical masters mean to have "a beginners mind".  Innocence.  Love and Light.

4-13-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping
3.  Chanting
4.  Meditating
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  Creating sacred space
7.  Thunderstorms and rainy days
8.  Pictures, drawing, coloring
9.  The Light
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

I made the list and left it up on my computer all yesterday.  Didn't find anything interesting to say.  Love and Light

4-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My brother
3.  My car running well
4.  Sleeping
5.  Headphones
6.  Music
7.  All my emotions
8.  Honor
9.  Light and Love
10.  My body, fingers that can type, feet that can take me where I want to go

After several days in a row of getting up with my first or second alarm, this morning I had a snoozefest.  Hitting the snooze for almost an hour and a half.  I skipped my morning rituals (chanting, meditating, journaling) as I didn't want to have to stay late at work tonight.  I intend to do them when I get home from work and set my intention that they will set the tone for a very cleansing spiritual evening and weekend.  I feel exhausted right now.  I set my intention to have an enjoyable, productive day at work and remember to take a lot of deep breaths.  Love and Light.

4-11-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Breathing
5.  Supportive Friends
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Happy Hour
8.  Text messaging
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  The earth

I am tired today.  I didn't sleep well last night and had a hard time getting to sleep.  A hard time getting to bed.  I had too much coffee yesterday.  I can tell I'm addicted to the stuff again.  It always tastes uncommonly good, even the crappy stuff at the office they give us for free.  That was my downfall, it's free at work.  Yes, let me blame my lack of willpower and default laziness on work giving it's employees a perk that a lot of companies don't give.  Free coffee and tea.  Now I'd be better off drinking tea.  I'm usually drinking something hot because they keep the offices colder than I like.  But the tea I would have to put the tea bag in the hot water (it comes out boiling hot out of one of those dispenser things, so that's convenient) and wait for it to steep and cool a bit before drinking.  The coffee is in one of those thermos carafes and just pump it out and it's ready to go.  I even only get half a cup and fill the rest up with hot water.  And it still is tasting really good.  I'm addicted.  I'm also really tired today so this seems to be rambling around.  I will wrap it up now.  Love and Light.

4-8-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy session
3.  Sleeping
4.  Dreaming and visions
5.  Peace
6.  Safe inside
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  My car running well
9.  Walking and Breathing and Awareness
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

Yesterday during Quaker Meeting I had a vision.  I'll try to describe it the best I can in words and know that it came to me in feelings, images, sensations, and knowings.  It was the knowing that long ago there was no separation between Heaven and Earth.  There was no difference between them, they were not created yet.  And then out of that Oneness, Heaven and Earth were created.  They were both of the Oneness and still felt the Oneness, the Universe they are held in, and they felt separated.  They longed to communicate with each other, Heaven with Earth and Earth with Heaven.  And a lot of thoughts came to me at the same time, different knowings and feelings of this story along different tracks and one track I was opening my chakras, like I'd been taught in meditation.  Reach down into the earth and bring up earth energy to open them one by one starting with the base one.  When reaching the crown and all of my chakras are open, I then let in Heaven's Light from above and Earth Energy from below and they connect in my heart chakra.  It was this and feeling this, and feeling this openness and connection and communication, I realized all that is on the surface of the earth was created so that Heaven and Earth could connect with each other.  Through people, trees, plants, animals, birds, dogs, all created naturally is how Heaven and Earth connect and communicate and love each other.  I am at peace knowing this.  Humans have the hardest time keeping this conduit of love open.  Love and Light.

4-5-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friday
3.  Rain and thunderstorms
4.  Physical and spiritual cleansing
5.  Every new moment
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Unconditional love
8.  The Light
9.  Connection
10.  Art, drawing, coloring

I'm happy it is Friday.  I'm feeling calm and peaceful.  And also strangely unmotivated.  I don't really want to do any work at work.  I thought that when I'm calm and peaceful and centered, that I'd be able to work on projects in calm way, going through step by step and not with my normal anxiety or judgement wondering if I'm doing this step correctly and 5 steps ahead planning on what I'm going to be doing.  I believe balance is the key word.  There is this training and needing to be fully in the present moment, if I dive too deeply in the present moment with no thought to the next step, what's the point of me doing the step now to get to my goals.  My goals don't exist in the present moment?  Maybe I'm going too far with this or too literally.  Maybe I'm to be fully in the present moment, engaging all of my capacity and ability in the present moment and my current task, while still being aware at the periphery of goals and my guided path ahead.  Fear Pushes, Vision Pulls.  Surrender to this path, and Dream of where I could go.  Love and Light.

4-4-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Connection
3.  Hug
4.  My car running well
5.  Being in my heart
6.  Excitement
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Silence
9.  All my emotions
10.  Honoring mine and others feelings

I've been taking the time before I do any job, like cleaning the kitchen, or folding the laundry, I take time to center myself, and move into my heart.  Some might call it praying, some might call it a quick meditation.  Quakers call it centering down.  Me, I don't know if I have name for it yet.  I stop become silent, check into my standing alignments from my Tai Chi practice, I let go of whatever else I was thinking or doing before.  I try to get myself into this present moment and fully focused on what I'm about to work on so that I'm fully present with it.  I also say out loud my intention and what exactly I'll be doing.  For example, this morning I paused by my kitchen doorway, centered, and said aloud "I'm going into my sacred kitchen to prepare my breakfast and lunch, I'm preparing loving nourishment for myself."  This is still very new to me, I've been doing this a couple of days, and I forget before a lot of tasks as I'm creating this as a new habit.  I like it so far.  Love and Light.

4-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Chanting
3.  Meditation
4.  Being transparent
5.  Therapy session
6.  Living in my heart
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  My car running well
9.  Sacredness
10.  Unconditional love

I woke up this morning and first thing (after snoozing for 5 times), I stood up and put my hands in prayer position and thanked my alarm for getting me up and thanked the time I have in the morning to create a sacredness around me for me to go through my day.  This is something new for me.  I needed to change how I was getting up because I was snoozing and getting up later and later, and getting to work later and later.  My excuse was that nobody is paying attention or cares when I get to work.  Which is true.  I needed to be back in integrity with myself.  This is a new process so that I get up with the first alarm, stand in gratitude and prayer/centeredness, feel connected to The Light, to everything.  I am grateful for the Quaker retreat I was able to attend for 5 days.  I feel I have shifted and I am more grounded on the earth and more open to the Light that flows through everything.  Love and Light.

4-2-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sacredness
3.  Color Correction tools
4.  My car running well
5.  Noble friends
6.  Learning new things
7.  Hugs
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Relaxation
10.  Silence

I learned Color Correction through some really good tutorials on Lynda.com.  I am so grateful to have this explained as I had not been paying attention to my lighting when I was shooting last month.  I could give a whole story and excuses as to why I shot it without fixing the lighting.  Straightforwardly, I was grumpy and I didn't take the time to bother with it.  I was in self-sabotage mode, so I sabotaged myself.  I felt vulnerable when I set up the camera and shot and didn't want to move the people to a better lighted area, because I picked the first area without thinking about it first.  Anyway, I looked at the footage and was dreading having to reschedule with the people to shoot them again, I didn't want to do that.  So I am very grateful to learning color correction and the steps that made the process easily understandable and easy to do.  My footage looks much better.  Love and Light.