5-31-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping
3.  Breathing
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  The Light of the Universe in all people
7.  My hands
8.  Creativity
9.  Affirmations
10.  Music

Today feels like it should be Friday.  Actually I felt like yesterday should have been Friday.  And it is Thursday today.  I am working on embracing this week.  I've been busy.  And it has been my choice to be busy.  I choose everything I do during the day.  Like this morning, I chose to watch part of a movie instead of doing my chanting and meditation.  And now I'm feeling the effects of not centering myself first.  My choice in every moment of this day.  I am responsible for me. This is my life.  Love and Light.

5-30-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Great friends
4.  Filling my needs within
5.  Joy
6.  Sharing and connecting
7.  My wonderful creative job
8.  Happy Hour
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

Life is wonderful.  I am joyful.  Sometimes I can't see what everybody else sees in me and there are a lot of friends telling me I am more joyful than they have ever seen me.  Life is joyful.  This is new for me.  I am safe.  I am safe asking for what I want.  I am safe wanting connection with others.  I am safe and loved for being exactly who I am in this moment.  Love and Light.

5-29-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My own bed and sleep tonight
4.  Mastermind
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  My brother, niece and nephew
7.  The sun and beach and ocean
8.  New friends
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

I am exhausted today.  I spent Sunday through this morning traveling to and from and up in Orlando.  Had a great time with my brother, niece and nephew playing in the pool and hanging out together.  They keep odd hours when on vacation, their day doesn't start until well after noon and doesn't end until the wee hours of the morning.  It's a different schedule than what I'm used to and add that to a fold out couch bed, I didn't get much sleep at all.  I am grateful for my time with them and a short day at work.  They will be coming down here today to play at the beach, so I get to have more time with them.  I will sleep well in my own bed tonight.  Love and Light.

5-25-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Noble friends
6.  Music and chanting
7.  Movement and my body
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  Breathing

Life is like riding waves or walking over rolling hills.  There are times where I feel like I'm on top of a crest of a wave and I can see in the distance where I'm heading to.  Not just a physical destination or a career, I see a way of being that is filled with Light and Love and Sharing and Openness.  Sometimes at times like these I think I can just "jump to the end" and be there.  I see where I'm going and I need to also see the distance to get there.  Because the space between here and there is important.  The steps I need to take to get there are important.  Sometimes it will be me taking a risk to take that step, and sometimes it will be flowing with what life and living brings me.  That is what Faith is becoming to me.  To feel inside, to my Light within that is connected to all, and feeling the leading of what am I to do next.  I choose to follow the Light, and I choose to not run ahead of my guide.  Each step is important.  My journey is important. My life is important.  My life is important.  (This is also much easier to write and believe with an emotionally uplifting and stirring soundtrack playing in my headphones.)  Love and Light.

5-24-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Rain
4.  Therapy session
5.  Friends
6.  My wonderful creative job
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Leadings
10.  Choices and responsibility

I am feeling joyful today.  I'm looking forward to my therapy session.  I realize that I have the tools and I have the ability to process through this big thing that has come up in my life, and that I want help from my therapist.  Life is an adventure.  I choose to expand my soul close to the surface to be able to be touched by life.  Love and Light.

5-23-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Choices and responsibilities
4.  My soul close to my surface
5.  Feeling life fully
6.  All my emotions, honoring and expressing them
7.  Happy Hour
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Music
10.  The Light

Everyday I feel more and more joy, now that I have that piece of myself back again that lets me feel joy.  Life is beautiful and good.  I have obstacles before me and I'm feeling all my emotions.  Joy in what I have accomplished and the needs I am filling for myself.  The love and safety and guidance I feel.  And I'm feeling scared about my obstacles with food and eating.  And also the rebuilding of connection with an important person in my past that I feel has hurt me immeasurably.  Life is an adventure to be experienced fully.  Jump In!  Love and Light.

5-22-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My officemate
3.  My car running well
4.  Communication and connection
5.  Creativity
6.  Choice and committment
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light of all and the Light within
9.  Music
10.  Movement of energy

I caught up on a lot of sleep last night.  That is so helpful for me to be able to stay committed to the new beliefs and new behaviors I choose.  And helps me to let go of my old beliefs and behaviors which are so ingrained in habits and patterns in my everyday workday life.  Today is new.  I am new.  I expand my soul close to my surface to be new and touched by every moment.  Love and Light.

5-21-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Choices and responsibility
3.  Sleeping
4.  The Light
5.  My Life, my whole like
6.  This present moment, this day
7.  My warm jacket
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  My car running well
10.  Silence

Being touched deeply, I realized that I keep my soul deep within me.  So, for my soul to be touched, the experience or person needs to reach deeply inside me.  For many years, I thought it was just how it was.  It seemd the vast majority of us are like this.  Over the weekend I realized that we are born with our souls filling us so fully, that our souls are very close to the surface.  That's what babies are like.  And the majority of our culture helps the physical person to grow and nurture and doesn't nurture the soul to grow along with the body.  It is possible to do this, I haven't seen it very often.  And that's what happened with me.  Well, also with me I had a lot of traumatic experiences that ripped and tore at my soul as it was so close to the surface and I pushed it way down deep inside of me.  Through my years of therapy, I have searched for and reclaimed those pieces of my soul that were ripped away.  The last piece I reclaimed was my ability for joy.  And over the weekend I realized I want my soul to be touched by life and I allowed my soul to expand out of its deep caverns to once again be close to the surface.  There I can be touched by every moment of my life, rather than wait for something to make it in so deep.  Does this mean that my soul won't get ripped or torn again?  No, that's always a possibility.  I choose to take that risk to be able to have so much more touch my soul.  Love and Light.

5-18-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Group therapy weekend
3.  My car running well
4.  Breathing
5.  Meditation
6.  Music
7.  Life Experiences
8.  Energy flow
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  Unconditional Love

I'm tired and sleepy today.  My dog was not feeling well last night, his stomach was making a lot of noises, he had diarhea and he was whining and getting my attention all night.  I know he was uncomfortable, or in pain because he would sit still or lie still.  He kept pawing at me and whining at me and I know he was trying to get me to fix it or get him to feel better.  I did my best in my groggy, stumbly, 3am, half-asleep way.  This morning it seemed as if he felt better as he was sleeping as I was trying to do my morning routing, and finish packing for the weekend, and organize for a busy work day today.  Work will be physical as we are washing and then loading the production truck for a shoot tomorrow.  I'll have to leave my retreat to go to the shoot and go back and finish my retreat.  I'm not looking forward to that.  Oh well.  I will be present in the moment whereever I am at.
Love and Light.

5-17-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Divine guidance
3.  Feeling safe
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  A picture of from long ago of me as a child, and our family puppy
7.  Talent and ability
8.  Creativity
9.  Unconditional Light
10.  My soul welcomed home

I'm feeling really good today and I feel safe.  I'm not afraid of feeling good, like I had been for so many decades.  I'm safe to feel good and joyful.  Life will continue to be experienced, all emotions and spectrum of experiences will flow.  I see the beauty in everything and how everything connects.  I'm at the crest of those waves of life and I'm not afraid to float down to the valley between the waves.  I'm not going to be swallowed up, I'm not going to drown or be pummelled by the next wave, I know the next wave will lift me up.  Life is good and sacred.
Love and Light.

5-16-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Life
3.  My car running well
4.  Joy
5.  Purpose
6.  Connection
7.  Friends
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Beauty in all emotions and experiences

I feel connected to everything on the planet.  There is a way to be aware of this without feeling like a manipulator or manipulated.  If you think of our connection as strings, this web of strings connecting to everybody and everything.  I chose to move in this direction, I pull on that string, which then sends a ripple through the web to places I don't even know I'm affecting.  So the temptation to pull on strings because I want to see the effect is manipulation, not a true choices for me, or a true choices of the light.  I do things that way I will create a tangle, a mess.  The other extreme is to not make any choices and let the strings pull me this way and that, that is being manipulated.  When I choose, making a decision for me, guided by The Light, I will create tension and pull on strings and effect others.  I am doing this for my highest good, it will be for the highest good of the planet.  I may help a little girl far away that I don't even know and will not directly interact with.
Love and Light.

5-15-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Silence
4.  Half day at work
5.  Therapy session
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Music
9.  Laughter
10.  Unconditional Love

That is the fastest I have come up with a list in a long time.  I couldn't wait to type it up today.  I am grateful today.  I have been struggling with allowing myself to feel a deep sense of knowing that I am always safe, loved, sacred, worthy, guided, held, understood, purpose.  I'm the only thing in my way, the feeling is there just waiting to be embraced by me.  So why is there hesitation?  Why is there resistance?  I still feel the pain of having that deep feeling ripped from me when I was small, and I would allow it back in and it would be ripped from me again.  That pain, that psychic pain, was so huge . . . that is my hesitation.  Even though I know cognitively it can never be ripped from me again.  I am an adult now, and it cannot be ripped from me again.  My pain from before is blocking me.  That's what I need to cleanse, to release to allow me to feel a deep sense of knowing.
Love and Light.

5-14-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The Light
3.  Feeling all of my emotions fully
4.  My wonderful job
5.  My car running well
6.  Music
7.  Creativity
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  My warm jacket.

Not on my list today, because it will happen on Saturday, is that I'm grateful that my boss understands that I want to be at a retreat weekend this weekend and we have a shoot, so he is going to let me go right after the event is over and not have me stick around to pack up equipment.  Thank you because being at this retreat is very important to me.  And my job is important to me.  Both are doable, not at the same time.  All is possible.  All is amazingly, achingly, beautiful.  (I'm listening to Samual Barber's Adagio for Strings right now).
Love and Light.

5-13-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My Mom
3.  Quaker Meeting
4.  Water
5.  Internet
6.  Love and Light
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Choices and responsibilities
9.  Forgiveness
10.  The sun, and wind, and grass, and trees

Happy Mother's Day!  I haven't said that in a very long time.  I was holding lots of anger against my Mom for things that happened so very long ago.  Forgiveness is that choice to let my anger go.  It doesn't change what happened.  It doesn't change any of my feeling of what happened way back then, it only frees me now from holding anger that damages me.  And forgiveness for me is not a snap of the fingers and its done forever, forgiveness for me is an ongoing daily choice.  I call it being in forgiveness, and I have stepped out of forgiveness several times.  It is my choice to be in forgiveness.
Love and Light.

5-11-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My progress in my life
3.  Experiences
4.  Feeling inside
5.  The Light
6.  Choices and Responsibility
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Colors and paint and expression
9.  Water
10.  Sleeping well

I am learning to feel safe inside always, no matter what happens in the world.  What makes this funny for me, is that fulfilling my own emotional needs is scary, so in filling my need and feeling safe, I feel scared.  It's taken me to really take the time and effort to truly feel safe and seperately feel scared to feel safe, at the same time.  The more I practice this, and I am aware that I feel safe, my fear is lessening so that I am able to feel safe more and more fully.  I am always safe.  I am always sacred.
Love and Light.

5-10-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Meeting my needs
4.  Being human
5.  Dancing
6.  Music
7.  Creativity and Talent
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  My wonderful job

Here is another day that I have the amazing ability to choose what to do with each moment in it.  The whole day is mine to experience, to be who I want to be today.  I choose to be creative, I choose to be at my job.  Sometimes this culture of modern things seems very silly to me.  I create and imagine commercials.  I create interesting 30 seconds to sell cable services.  These cable services (TV, Internet, Phone) would not exist if not for modern technology, made by man.  There are days where it is fun to be creative and there are days when the work, the details need to get done.  And then there are days where I wish there wasn't any modern technology and my day was sitting outside and watching and being one with nature.  And you are reading my thoughts because of modern technology.  Balance is not easy for me, I am used to swinging from one extreme to the other.
Love and Light.

5-9-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My old computer running very well
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  My brain
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Happy Hour
8.  Abundance
9.  Silence
10.  Unconditional Love

I believe we are born with the Light flowing freely through us.  That's the "aawww" feeling when looking at babies whether they be human or animal.  Somewhere along the way, experiences, or maybe it is the process of life, I have blocked off my Light.  Now I am learning to allow my Light to flow freely through me again.  The Light is the source of all, joy, love, hurt, loss, pain, happiness.  All must flow through me to be free.
Love and Light.

5-8-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity
4.  Music
5.  Paper and pens and pencils
6.  Friends
7.  Mastermind
8.  My Brain
9.  My wonderful job
10.  Unconditional Love

Today is a day.  A whole day for me to make choices and be responsible for my choices.  I choose to be creative, to dive into my creativity and walk through my fear that others won't like my ideas.  I like my ideas.  I like me.  I like my style of creativity.  Every day I'm getting better when I choose to work some more on my ideas.  My best is not the same every day.  Doing things every day is the key.  I choose to walk through this day as truly me and show my Light, which includes my creativity.
Love and Light.

5-7-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Writing
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  My wonderful job
5.  My car running well
6.  Friends
7.  Creativity
8.  Talent
9.  Peace and joy
10.  The Light

Sometimes the best way to support a friend is witnessing their struggle.  It's like watching them do rock climbing for the first time.  You can see all the support ropes and harnesses keeping them safe.  And you can see them start up and maybe they get scared and climb back down.  I understand that urge to run up to them, tell them where they need to grab hold, of how they need to do it.  Please resist that urge, wait for them to ask for help.  Watch them as they look at the rock and figure it out, watch as they find the courage and strength within themselves.  Watch as they start up.  From your perspective you may see more clearly where the next best handhold is, don't call out.  Let them feel for it.  Witness their learning, witness their progress up the rock.  Rejoice in their ability, in their perserverance.  Let them climb.
Love and Light.

5-4-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Music and Chanting
4.  Creativity
5.  My wonderful job
6.  Friday
7.  Holding others in the Light
8.  Being held in the Light
9.  Being of service
10.  Taking risks, choices and responsibility

Life is to be lived, not just survived.  This is a lesson that comes back to me again and again.  Growing up terrified and having terrifying things happen to me over and over, I became very adept at surviving.  I learned as a kid that living life was dangerous.  I learned that preparing myself for the trauma that was coming seemed to be easier than enjoying those times between the traumas.  Falling from joy is much farther fall than a jump from one trauma to another.  Living life and feeling joy became such scary things for me as a kid.  I am no longer in that situation.  I am safe, I am an adult, I keep myself safe, I have tools and the ability now to protect myself.  I am safe to feel joy . . . and it's so new, it's uncomfortable.  I know that trauma may still happen and that fall from joy if trauma happens will be as far and hurt as much as when I was a kid.  What I'm saying is that I'm better able to handle, understand, and see the gift in that fall.  And it's not going to happen as often or as regularly when I was a kid.  I like that song from Cirque Du Soleil "Let Me Fall", there's a line in it that says "let me climb."  Let me climb into joy, like climbing into the lap of God.
Love and Light.

5-3-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My wonderful creative job
3.  Music
4.  The Light
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  My car running well
8.  Abundance
9.  Friends who love and care about me
10.  Safety

Today I am more grounded and at peace.  I feel in the flow of energy.  I am doing things easier.  Things are easy to do today.  There are some processing of emotional wounds that are not so conscious in me, so I don't have the words to express what has happened from yesterday feeling everything as a struggle, to today where I feel like things are easier.  There is a shift that is going on in me, and I feel I'm getting to the part where its not hard . . . maybe that's my acceptance of the shift.
Love and Light.

5-2-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My Brain
3.  Love and Light
4.  Lunch provided when I forgot to bring mine
5.  My Mac
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Abundance
9.  Affirmations
10.  Really feeling

I don't feel like writing anything today.  I know it would be good for me to share.  It's odd when I'm right at a crossroads, a place of big transition, I feel like everything is hard.  Getting up in the morning, taking care of my responsibilities.  Doing things that I know will help and keep me grounded.  It seems hard.  I will share something that happened on Sunday and what I learned about myself.  I was in Quaker meeting and we meet in silence.  We kept the door open to the little room we rent from a church to let the cool air in.  The church people were arriving and meeting each other before their service began and they were rather loud outside the door.  I learned about myself that I will sit and take anything that happens around me or to me without saying anything.  I sit and take it.  And then one of our Quaker members got up from our silent meeting quietly and my first thought was that she was going to shut the door.  If it is too much for me to take, I shut the door.  I shut my heart.  I shut down.  She walked through the door and up to the people gathering and lovingly and gently asked that they respect our worship and to be quiet or move away from the door.  That was something that did not occur to me as a choice.  And the people were sorry for being noisy and were quiet and kept the new people arriving to be quiet.  I was amazed that I never considered asking for what I wanted.  I learned that about myself.  I am now aware that I wasn't even aware when fear was keeping me from asking for my joy in life.
Love and Light.

5-1-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Breathing
5.  Eyes and ears and hands
6.  Paper and pens and pencils and crayons
7.  Creativity
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

Today is the first of May.  I haven't paid my bills all of April.  I have the money, I haven't made the time to take care of it.  I slept through my alarm and it's amazing that when I sleep through my alarm it feels like better sleep than what I did all night.  I'm groggy at work, getting up just before coming in.  I don't like that.  I like to get up and have some time around my house to do chanting and meditation and some journaling and get my day going slowly.  Not today, today I'm up and at 'em.  And everything is feeling surreal.  Today is the day for creativity and doing amazing things at my work.  Love and Light.