11-30-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Chanting
4.  Christmas music
5.  Friday
6.  Sleeping well
7.  Choices and Responsibility
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Joe vs. the Volcano
10.  The Light

By the time April rolled around this year, I had used up almost all of my vacation/sick days.  They are called one thing at my office, PTO days.  So, by April of this year I had used most of them up and I needed to hang onto the 3 I had left in case I got sick.  I will not be doing that next year.  I am a strong believer in the "mental health day" and I'm in need of one now.  I am at work because I have one more PTO day left and a month to go before they all renew.  I take care of all my needs.  I am safe.  I create the experiences that validate my new beliefs.  I'm having a relaxing Friday at work.  Love and Light.

11-29-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Music
4.  Chanting
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  Dancing
7.  Friends
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Time and space in abundance
10.  The Light

A few days ago I wrote in this blog that I was changing my pattern of feeling overwhelmed this time of year.  Changing it to going through this season with ease and joy, focusing on what I need to do for my wellbeing first, then what I want to do, and lovingly putting projects to the side.  I'm doing about 50/50.  Half the time I am feeling safe and relaxed and on track and the other half I fall back into being overwhelmed and there's no way to get everything done.  I am a work in progress.  I'll get there.  Love and Light.

11-28-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy session
3.  My car running well
4.  Choices and responsibility
5.  Organization
6.  Unconditional love
7.  Abundance
8.  Breathing
9.  The Light
10.  Music

I've realized that I don't sleep through the night anymore.  I am up 2 or 3 times in the night.  Usually for a puff on my asthma inhaler.  I wake myself up not breathing.  This morning I did my morning routine and that's all I thought about.  I focused on what I needed just this morning.  And for the first time in months, I got out of my door on time.  I knew what was happening later today so that I was able to pack things I would need later, and I didn't dwell on what was happening later.  I didn't go over my entire day of what I would be doing, I only focused on this morning.  I felt peaceful and centered and able to just be with my morning.  It was nice.  Love and Light.

11-27-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Chanting
3.  Choices and responsibility
4.  Christmas Music
5.  My car running well
6.  Creativity
7.  Friends
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Compassion
10.  Forgiveness

Christmas season is here.  I love Christmastime and the music.  I miss being up north in the cold.  Being in South Florida and palm trees even with lights on them just doesn't feel like Christmas.  I need to be inside the the AC cranked to freezing to wear sweats and be under blankets with hot chocolate.  I've been debating putting up my Christmas tree.  My argument with myself centers around making another mess in my house and I feel crowded with stuff already.  I love having a tree lit up and I relax just looking at the pretty colored lights.  I've rearranged things in my living room and I really don't know where I'll put it.  I will have to move a pretty table I've put by my cushy chair just recently and then set it up in front of the bookshelves again.  I sigh heavily and wonder if it is worth moving everything around to put up a tree for a month to take it back down and move everything around again.  I know I will feel happy with the tree up.  I wish I had a magic wand, or some help.  We'll see.  Love and Light.

11-26-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Music
4.  Dancing
5.  Affirmations
6.  A new start
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Sore muscles
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything I need/want to get done, for my own needs, for projects I've started, and for the holidays.  I came to the awareness that this is my pattern, to feel overwhelmed during this time of the year.  And how I used to deal with it was to watch a lot of TV, movies, specials, and do just enough to get by, and then feel bad I didn't get everything done I wanted to get done.  So, this year, I am changing all of that.  To start with I am not feeling overwhelmed.  I'm making task lists and sorting them into categories of time sensitive, holiday sensitive, and "added it on to make me feel overwhelmed."  That last category is a good clue that I'm not in a rush to get those things done and they can wait to the new year.  I've also been debating putting my tree up because I feel like I don't have room for it in my place.  I've been rearranging things and there isn't a logical place to put it where I'm not going around it for things I need . . . I love having a tree though.  I have options and choices, for all the happenings and tree sizes and decorating.  I create the experiences that validate my new beliefs.  Love and Light.

11-24-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Water
3.  My car running well
4.  Football
5.  Friends
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Organization
9.  Creativity
10.  The Light

I'm an eclectic mix of influences and likes and dislikes.  Aren't we all?  In the dictionary it is defined as a person who derives ideas, style, or taste from a broad and diverse range of sources.  In this modern world of technology connecting us all around the world, exposing us to diverse cultures and ways of thinking, and music, and art, aren't we all eclectic?  And those that are set in their ways, having blinders on and choosing to see the world through a narrow-minded lens, don't they have to expend a lot of energy to resist acknowledging and learning these new perspectives?  Love and Light.

11-23-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  A half day at work
3.  Noble friends
4.  My car running well
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  Spiritual cleansing
7.  Alone in the office
8.  Music
9.  Dancing
10.  The Light

I'm addicted to coffee again.  About 5 years ago after a weekend of a group therapy retreat and intense emotional processing, I emerged and went to work feeling good and completely forgot to have coffee.  It hit me about halfway through the day that I hadn't had any coffee yet.  This was very strange for me because I had been drinking a pot a day for a couple of decades.  I owned a coffee pot and an espresso machine.  I used to be able to get myself to go to sleep at night because the sooner I got to sleep, the sooner I could have coffee.  Well that fateful day 5 years ago, I didn't crave it, I didn't have that coffee headache, I didn't really want it.  So I told myself that I would wait and see if that coffee addiction came back.  And for years I barely had any coffee at all.  Maybe while I was out with a friend I would get the occasional once a month coffee at Starbucks.  I gave away my coffeepot and my espresso machine.  I enjoyed getting up and not feeling that urging ache to get coffee in me as soon as possible.  I woke up refreshed, and had lasting energy through the day.  And then two years ago I switched jobs and started working at a place where it needs to be cold for the equipment to run properly, and coffee was provided by the company.  Basically free coffee.  So, there was a long 13 hour day followed by needing to be in the office early and the coffee is free, so one cup here or there was fine.  Over two years I know have several cups of the free coffee and have started having some in the afternoon to "warm me up."  Yes, I know I could have a mug of hot water which would be healthier for me, there is also free tea I could be making, but the coffee is right there.  And finally, this morning I woke up with it again, the urging ache that I needed coffee.  I missed my old coffee pot.  I'm exhausted in the afternoons and I have a hard time getting up in the morning.  I am addicted.  Love and Light.

11-22-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Thanksgiving Day Parades
3.  My car running well
4.  Friends and Family
5.  Peanut Butter Balls
6.  Showers
7.  Cool weather
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  Surrender

I watched the Thanksgiving Parade on TV and made the first batch of Peanut Butter Balls for the season.  A tradition that spans my lifetime.  Tears came to my eyes several times this morning.  I'm not sure what emotion to name it.  I wasn't sad.  I felt an open connection with millions, all watching the parade, my Mom watching it in Michigan.  And I felt the little girl inside of me become so excited to see Santa Claus, I cried with joy, that symbol of loving and accepting all the little children that live inside all of us.  Happy Thanksgiving.  Love and Light.

11-21-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  Dancing
4.  Happy Hour
5.  Time to organize and cleanse
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  My car running well
8.  Noble friends
9.  Openness
10.  Choices and responsibility

In most spiritual circles there is a state of being that they call "Surrender".  And for most of my life I have equated this with giving up, with being powerless, with being "beat down".  I now have been able to feel the difference between giving up and surrender.  Surrendering is a powerful stance while giving up is a powerless stance.  Children are naturally powerless, or have little power.  Power comes with maturity.  What's the statement?  "With great power comes great responsibility."  It is understandable the children have to mature and so does their power.  And then there are those children who are traumatized and the development of their personal power is stunted or stopped.  That's when I gave up.  I gave up on life.  And now I've experienced healthy surrender.  Instead of shutting down, it's an opening up.  Instead of letting go OF life, it's letting go TO life.  This is one of those things that needs to be felt and experienced in order to understand.  I could use all the words and explain it in every way possible and a person who has not experienced the difference, will not understand nor know how to do it.  I send much support to those who are trying, keep working at it until you know inside.  Love and Light.

11-20-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  Dancing
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  My wonderful job
6.  Completing projects
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  My car running well
9.  Creativity
10.  Therapy session

I am thankful that Thanksgiving is this week and I get a day off of work.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in (as much as my dog will let me).  And there I go putting my mind and intention off into the future which means I am not present in this moment.  How does one balance plans and preparing for events with being completely present in each moment?  Do dogs plan ahead?  Is my dog at home looking forward to when I'll come through the door at the end of the day?  Is it in his thoughts at all?  How do I plan for my day and also go with the flow?  Love and Light.

11-19-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Life experiences
3.  My Big Soul
4.  Connectedness
5.  The Light
6.  My car running well
7.  My wonderful job
8.  PTI, FPGC, Wellness
9.  All my emotions
10.  Human.  Love.  Divine.

During a meditation on Friday, three words came to me:  Human, Love, Divine.  I felt it was important that they came together.  That they are linked sometimes.  It was over the course of the weekend that it sunk in enough for me to realize that these three things are the only things that are consistently in EVERY experience.  All of them, from the joyous happy times where it is easy to see them all, to the terrifying or devastating times where I find that it is really hard to know all three are there.  A lot of my experiences, I would focus on one of them and forget that the other two are there also.  A lot of people get stuck only in their humanness of emotion and do not allow Love or Divine come in.  I am amazed and in awe of all three connected in everything on this planet.  Love and Light.

11-14-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping well
3.  Breathing
4.  Personal Power
5.  Vulnerability
6.  Awareness
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  My car running well
9.  My wonderful job
10.  Endless opportunities in every moment

Being vulnerable takes courage. I used to think being vulnerable took courage because being vulnerable was terrifying.  It's funny that I feel like I want to skip this posting today because talking about vulnerability makes me vulnerable and I am uncomfortable being vulnerable.  I still feel scared being vulnerable.  Does everybody?  Is it part of being vulnerable, being scared?  I feel like it's not supposed to be so tied together.  I've learned yesterday that there is a way of being vulnerable with personal power.  I always thought before that being vulnerable was being powerless.  There is a way of being vulnerable with power.  I haven't quite got it or figured it out.  I KNOW that there is a way.  Love and Light.

11-13-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Walking
4.  Breathing
5.  Typing
6.  Love
7.  Light
8.  Connection
9.  Choices and Responsiblity
10.  Gentleness

Death is closer to me lately.  I lost my Grandpa last month and my very good friend lost her mom last week and my coworker lost his dog over the weekend and another good friend was at a funeral yesterday and another good friend lost one of her good friends.  I've paused to think wondering if I missed any other news of deaths.  And then there is new life, a coworker became a grandma last week and another good friend will be a grandma this weekend.  Change, renewal, cycles.  I forget these things.  I get stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out.  To change is how I get out, to step through the pain of changing to something new is how I get out.  There is no magic pill or magic wand.  I need to change me within and without will change.  Love and Light.

11-12-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Writing assignment
3.  My car running well
4.  Chanting and meditation
5.  Music
6.  Friends
7.  Heart connection
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Choices and Responsibility
10.  Gentleness

I am very sore today, especially my thighs.  I did the Warrior Dash on Saturday and I completed it.  I feel good about that, getting all the way through it.  It was harder and less harder than last year.  There were a lot less walls to climb over and more barbed wire to crawl under, so that was easier.  There was a wall crawl that was harder.  And going over the one wall was intense for me and when I got to the bottom I cried.  I had more trouble with my asthma and breathing than last year.  I had to walk more.  Also it was harder because I did it by myself.  There weren't any friends staying at my slow pace with me like last year.  Lots of strangers along the route encouraged me and helped me with some of the obstacles.  A few of the obstacles I did all by myself because I was so far behind the pack.  I'm grateful I did it.  I kept going through it, kept putting one foot in front of the other, kept breathing the best that I could.  I am now hurting a lot with my sore muscles.  Love and Light.

11-9-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  An open evening
3.  Cool weather
4.  My car running well
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  Drumming
7.  Music
8.  Breathing
9.  The Light
10.  Unconditional Love

Tomorrow I am doing the Warrior Dash.  I would say I'm running it, but I haven't trained except for 3 attempts at running in July or August.  I'm doing it anyway.  I did it last year and leaned heavily on my excuse of feeling sick for not training last year.  This year I am owning and feeling all of the missed opportunities where I chose to do something other than train.  I am owning all of the times I gave into my fear and did not push outside of my comfort zone.  So tomorrow when I'm running (mostly walking) and tackling the obstacles I will be pondering:  Is this shining my Light and showing myself the amazing capabilities I have and personal power within to accomplish this? Or am I putting myself through physical punishment in a socially acceptable way?  The answer depends on what I bring with me tomorrow inside.  I choose my intentions.  I create the experiences to validate my new beliefs.  Love and Light.

11-8-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Cool weather
3.  Sleeping well
4.  Breathing
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Compassion
8.  My car running well
9.  My wonderful job
10.  The Light

I become aware quite often the last couple of days of myself lost in my imagination.  Imagining stories, or other possible scenarios, or some exciting or adventurous thing, of the future how my life might turn out if I did this or that, or if I was somebody else completely.  I have a vivid imagination and it runs pretty much like a movie.  I can imagine quite a lot with a lot of detail.  I found myself in there quite a bit, and imagination is great for some things, and when I'm in it so completely that I'm disconnected from this world and only living there, it's not healthy for me.  There is only today, this moment.  I need to choose:  to be here or in an imagined alternative.  Which is real and which is illusion?  Sometimes I trip myself up with that question.  I get so deep in my imagination, I feel like I can't tell, or is I don't want to know?  Love and Light.

11-7-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sacredness
3.  Preciousness
4.  Music
5.  My car running well
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Friends
9.  The Light
10.  Unconditional Love

 I don't have anything to say today.  Or more accurately, I'm scared to say anything today.  Love and Light.

11-6-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Breathing
4.  Sleeping
5.  Freedom
6.  Unconditional love
7.  Sacredness
8.  Friends
9.  My wonderful job
10.  The Light

I'm ready for a nap.  I left my place early today to go vote.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow and no political ads running on TV.  When I thought about, it seemed strange that I would have a strong urge to vote in this election.  Some powerful and intense things have been going on in my life where functioning day to day seems like a huge effort or struggle.  And yet, getting up early and going to vote was a strong force getting me out of bed this morning.  It's also odd because I grew up in a house where political discussions never happened.  My parents never vote, have never registered to vote.  Maybe I use that strong urge to get me going again in other parts of my life, like doing my dishes and paying my bills.  I struggle to remember to do these things, and it was no struggle to go vote.  Strange.  Love and Light.

11-5-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My creative job
4.  A new day
5.  Sacredness
6.  Cloud Atlas
7.  Music
8.  Chanting
9.  Meditation
10.  Flowing

There are times when stepping into the flow of life seems very scary.  The current seems to be going to fast.  It looks like the flow is violent and will rip me apart.  Yet when I step into it, I am carried gently and the world going by doesn't look like it's going by as fast as when I'm outside looking into the flow.  I forget this when I'm out of the flow.  Sometimes it is my choice, like going on a long car ride, I love the feel of the car moving along, looking at the scenery flowing past.  Yet after a while, I tire of the constant hum and vibration, I want to be immovable for a while.  So I pull off at a rest area and walk around and sit and stop moving for a while.  So that's what my life is, stepping in and out of the flow.  I get stuck on the outside, because for many years it was safer to stay "outside of" and just watch.  I become very scared of stepping back in, when an obstacle in my flow knocks me out of my stream.  If I don't take care of myself, and step out of my stream when I need to, something will come along in my stream and knock me out.  Taking care of my need in a harsher way than me choosing to step out.  Love and Light.

11-3-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Saturday
3.  Chanting
4.  Meditating
5.  Spiritual cleansing
6.  Cool weather
7.  A brand new day
8.  Naps
9.  Gentleness
10.  Friends

I'm enjoying the quiet of my house this morning.  And the coolness in the air.  And the slow pace that I would like today to go in.  Time and space to stop and truly consider my next choice of action.  When things get too hectic or chaotic, I make fast unhealthy choices.  I had a rough night last night.  A lot of emotions coming up around an intense trip I took to see family a couple of weeks ago.  A lot happened on many levels and I can get screwed up by jumping around and not looking or feeling closely to what I experienced.  I've been writing it out, step by step, scene by scene, everything that happened.  And as I'm doing that a lot of emotion that I was unable to express is coming out of me also.  This blog helps also, as I write out my "blurb for the day" I am usually coming to the insight that I write about as I write it.  Most of the time these posts are not planned out.  Love and Light.

11-2-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My wonderful creative job
4.  Breathing
5.  Chanting
6.  Typing
7.  Meditation
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Gentleness

I had a friend a couple of days ago remind me to be gentle with myself.  I forget that, especially when I feel lost and scared and don't trust that I have LIGHT within me.  When I'm filled with darkness.  Those times I feel a need to punish myself.  My friend reminded me to be gentle, and I'm able to gently let that feeling pass.  Part of my punishment "habit" is that I feel I don't deserve to feel joy or happiness or excitement for life.  With gentleness, I'm not going from one extreme to the other, dark punishment to light excitment, so fast that it feels violent.  I gently and slowly move from darkness to the middle, where I can see the light and see the dark and gently let both touch me.  Where I can see that it is my choice to move to the dark or move to light.  It's restful here.  Sometimes I think to just stay here in the middle . . . and that is not living either.  I choose to rest, to regain a larger perspective, and I choose to be led into experiencing life fully again.  Love and Light.

11-1-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  A new month
3.  A new day
4.  Creativity and talent
5.  Noble friends
6.  My Truth
7.  Sacredness
8.  Breathing
9.  Cool Weather
10.  Music

I'm ready for Christmas music!!  I know if I start now I will be sick of it before Christmas gets here.  I am listening to some.  And I hear some of you ask:  What about Thanksgiving?  Is there a lot of Thanksgiving music?  I know of one song 'Over the River and Through the Woods'.  I remember decorating for Thanksgiving, we would not have as many decorations for thanksgiving as we would for Halloween and Christmas.  I would ask my Mom why we wouldn't have as many decorations and I think she would answer something like "they don't make as many decorations for Thanksgiving."  What's interesting is that this blog is a daily thanksgiving and sometimes I forget that.  I think of it as a chore sometimes, and a lot of times I put on the list what I want to feel grateful for that day.  Today the list is all the things I already feel grateful for today.  It's also interesting that I want to skip over Thanksgiving.  Skip to the end. Happy New Year!  Love and Light.