Monday, April 30, 2012

4-30-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Seeing a friend tonight
3.  Being of service
4.  My wonderful creative job
5.  Life experiences
6.  Affirmations
7.  Unconditional love
8.  Technology
9.  Grounding and nature
10.  The Light

Another day of having a hard time coming up with my list.  I got number one on there and then I was stuck.  I did some stuff at work and found myself disconnecting and not being present (playing minesweeper).  And then a friend called and asked for my help.  And that changed my perspective and feeling.  I'm very happy to help out my friend and doing something with good positive energy and growth.  That helped me a lot and I was able to come up with the rest of my list.  I am working positively today from love.  I realize I had been coming to work filled with fear and avoidance and I forgive myself of that.  Today I change.  Today I take risks in creativity and love and positive energy.  Love and Light.

Friday, April 27, 2012

4-27-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Endless possibilities in every moment
4.  Expressing my grief
5.  Having an assignment from my therapist
6.  Music
7.  Making mistakes
8.  My body that walks and moves
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Friday

Again, I'm putting things on my list that I want to feel grateful for and right at this moment I do not.  Making mistakes is one of those.  As a kid one of the things I was taught was to do it right or don't do it at all.  There was no learning from mistakes at my house.  If I didn't do it right the first time, I wasn't allowed to do it again.  I've kept that pressure on me the rest of my life.  It made it hard for me to take risks, to try new things, to go after the things I really wanted to do.  It was easier to dream of what I wanted, my dream could never be taken away from me, but if I tried it and messed up the first time, it would be taken away.  I've learned to relax on making mistakes by working on and making movies.  I learned that during the process there's take 1, 2, 3, 4. . . That we just do another take.  That last one was a mis-take.  Just take it again.  It's a part of the creative process also, lets take it again and do it differently now.  Once I was able to connect that teaching with my life, I felt the world opened up, my dreams opened up.  I write for the edit now.  I don't have to write that perfect sentence right off the bat, I can get it started and go back and change it around and tweak it.  I can change my mind.  I've forgotten that the last couple of weeks.  Mistakes have been devastating me and I'm the only one devastated.  I'm the only one feeling like I've killed myself by screwing up.  Interesting that in the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with forgiving myself for being human.
Love and Light.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

4-26-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Therapy session later
3.  My car running well
4.  Shower
5.  Music
6.  My Brain (actual and software)
7.  Shelter, food, and clothing
8.  Breathing
9.  My eyes, my hands, my legs and feet
10.  Unconditional Love

Don't know what to write about today.  Love and Light.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

4-25-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Group therapy meeting tonight
3.  Breathing
4.  The Light
5.  My wonderful job
6.  My car running well
7.  Paper and pens and pencils
8.  Relaxation
9.  My warm jacket
10.  Completing this list

I have had a very hard time composing this list today.  I don't want to feel grateful today.    Things that I normally put on my list like "honoring all my emotions and expressing them" I don't feel grateful about today.  I have felt like this in the past, and put it on my list to cultivate feeling grateful for it throughout the day.  Using this list as a shift in perspective.  And it has worked.  Today I want to feel like I am right now.  I feel resistant and the therapy I've been through has taught me to push through the resistance.  Push through what I'm afraid of.  Today I don't want to.  Today I want to feel the resistance and fear.  Where's the honor of those emotions if I push through them?  Maybe I haven't been pushing through, only pushing aside?  This is when my logical brain can rationalize anything I want.  Resistance means I am resisting feeling my true feelings.  My fear is being afraid to express and give voice to my true feelings.  Resistance and fear are a reaction to my true feelings.  My true feelings are life.  Love and Light.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

4-24-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Cool weather
3.  Sleeping well
4.  Breathing
5.  My wonderful creative job
6.  The Light
7.  Friends
8.  Unconditional love
9.  The sun and earth and moon
10.  Experience of living

I'm having a hard time feeling grateful today.  I'm struggling with resistance to loving and embracing myself.  This reach goes into a lot of different parts of my life.  I don't embrace myself with love, which is why I'm having a hard time embracing my job.  Because I'm not fitting into a prefabricated spot, I come into this job with all of me.  All of my talents and abilities.  And I've become afraid to let my talents and abilities shine.  This is a job that is within my passion.  Video production and there is freedom here for me to play and create what I want.  And I have been playing solataire all day, resisting, wallowing in fear, making plans to get out, go on to the next place.  So, I have hidden the games off my computer.  I am here, on this planet, in my life, I'm tired of only existing, time to jump in and live.  Love and Light.

Monday, April 23, 2012

4-23-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Use of my body, moving, talking, breathing
3.  The Sun, warmth and light
4.  The Earth, nature and support
5.  All of my emotions and emotional needs
6.  Friends
7.  Unconditional love
8.  The Light
9.  Choices and Responsibility
10.  Affirmations

I've been doing therapy and personal growth work for many years and there have been many concepts presented to me and I've been doing my best to understand, embrace and transform.  One such concept is "I need to love myself."  This one I understand on a rational, logical level and over the many years I have struggled to truly feel unconditional love for myself.  I have been resistant.  And it has physically manifested in how I take care of myself (or more acurately how I don't take care of myself).  Both in my home space and in my body.  I've wanted it.  I've wanted it very badly.  I realize that therapy and growth comes in steps.  I've had to realize that I have emotional needs.  I've used the word need for love and safety and guidance, and not really believed it.  It was something I wanted.  I couldn't admit that I needed it.  Because I needed it at such a young age and didn't get it and that hurt way too much.  I am in the process of admitting that I need love. I need safety.  I need to love myself.  To do that I need to forgive myself for being human and having needs.  Some of this stuff, this feeling my way through the process, is really beyond words, beyond explaining it.  These words seem to fall short.  I'm hoping you will feel my energy and feeling behind it.  Love and Light.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

4-19-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My back pain at a level "5"
3.  Breathing
4.  My car running well
5.  Held in the Light
6.  Experiencing life
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Surrender
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  Emotional tools

I have back pain today.  It might seem strange that I am grateful that my back pain is at a level "5" today.  My pain started last night and my pattern when this happens is that my pain starts at it's highest level first and then as time goes on it lessens and I heal.  So, I am grateful that it's at a 5, which means I can physically function with the pain.  In the past it has started out at a 10 and that means I'm lying on the floor unable to move at all enduring shooting pains throughout my body.  I am grateful.  I'm also a believer in the mind/body/emotional connecting, so this also lets me know that I have some emotional wounds to process and feel.  I am scared of losing my job.  I love my job, and part of my job is physical.  Tomorrow I need to be very physical and I'm scared of not being able to do it, and scared of injuring myself further.  I will heal and the pain will lessen over the next few teams as long as I don't do something to make it worse.  I have choices, I always have choices.  Working tomorrow is my choice.
Love and Light.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

4-17-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Honoring and loving all my emotions
4.  Expression
5.  Creativity
6.  Love and Light
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Many loving friends
9.  Breathing
10.  Feeling

I woke up at 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep.  I have a lot of buried emotions needing healthy expression.  There is a grace and light in expressing emotions and sharing them and being supported in expressing them with love.  There is a grace and light in me.  I am constantly being shown grace and light all around me and I can see it when I look with the Light in me.  And it is beautiful when I see the Grace and Light touch the Light in another.  To be a witness is an honor.  I am blessed to be a witness to all the true expression of emotion from anybody and everybody.  I have emotional needs and one is to be witnessed.
Love and Light.

Monday, April 16, 2012

4-16-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Honest caring mechanics
3.  The Light
4.  Being of service
5.  Doing everything from a place of Love
6.  Simply Love
8.  Affirmations
9.  Honoring all parts of me and all my emotions
10.  Choices and responsibility

Driving into work this morning on a straight piece of road, nobody in front of me, just tooling along, there was a "thud" and it felt like I slammed on the brakes and quickly let off of them.  But I didn't touch the brakes.  I didn't run over anything.  My fear is that the transmission is having problems.  It's an old car, with over 133,000 miles.  Instead of my old behavior system of ignoring it, or "I'll take care of it if it happens again", instead of worrying about not having the money, I drove straight to my mechanic to look over my car.  This is caring for myself.  Making myself and my needs a priority.  I learned over the weekend that I have needs that are more than just survival (eat, sleep, clothes, shelter).  I have emotional needs and admitting and becoming aware of those scares me.  Because as a small child I needed love, unconditional love.  I didn't get it and I have years off bottled up grief that I need to feel and express about that.  My inner child is very scared about acknowledging my emotional needs because it hurts a LOT when they are not met.  I am able and I do meet my needs now.  I have learned tools and processes.  I have the capacity today to meet and fulfill my emotional needs.  It will take some practice.
Love and Light.

Friday, April 13, 2012

4-13-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Doggie hotel, Arfington Resorts
3.  My car running well
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Chanting
6.  Connecting and listening to the Light within
7.  Music
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  All my emotions
10.  Unconditional love

I put on my list that I am grateful for all my emotions and I'm honoring every emotion I have.  There are a few that I have a hard time feeling fully.  My habit to push them down and bury or ignore them is strong.  Those emotions are anger, shame, hurt.  I have a hard time crying during a regular day, in front of people I don't know.  It takes a lot of courage to show myself that vulnerable to the world.  And showing that courage and vulnerability is beautiful to see.  It's also uncomfortable for other people because my showing my emotions will touch their emotions whether they want their emotions touched or not.  And that's where the big reactions come from.  I know when I'm holding in or ignoring some emotions I need to feel because that's when they start coming out sideways.  When a depressed feeling comes over me, when I feel like running away from everything, when I'm frustrated with every little thing in the day.  I am grateful for group therapy this weekend and a safe place to express and release emotions and practice of showing my true self to others.
Love and Light.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

4-12-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Therapy session
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  All my emotions
7.  Tissues
8.  Music
9.  Sleeping well
10.  Hugs

Time has gotten away from me.  I realize I have not had a weekend home since before February 11th.  It really causes problems with getting necessities done at home.  I feel like I'm constantly running and doing things that need to get done and still there is no time for laundry or cooking or even unpacking from my camping trip last weekend.  I'm gone again this weekend and next weekend.  I will need to watch more carefully my scheduling to make sure I make time for myself.  Love and Light.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

4-11-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My great job
4.  Breeze and sun and earth
5.  All my emotions
6.  The Light
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  A letter from my soul
9.  Being of service
10.  Responsibility

It was hard making this list today.  I am sad and frustrated and overwhelmed and exhausted.  I'm tired of everything.  This is when I start fantasizing about winning a ton of money so that I don't have to have a job and I can do anything I want.  It's not even the money that I want, it's the time I would get by not having a job.  Time to do the things I want to do without feeling like I'm rushing or pressed to get things done.  I am frustrated because I'm not busy at work, so there is all this time I'm struggling to fill when I know at home I'll be rushing and multi-tasking and staying up tired to get all the stuff I need to do at home.  And I haven't had a weekend home since February 11th.  That really does get tiring.
Love and Light.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

4-10-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Abundance
4.  Sleeping well
5.  Chanting
6.  Music
7.  My wonderful creative job
8.  Breathing in life
9.  Happy Hour
10.  Unconditional Love

I see myself falling back into the habit of not taking care of myself.  I have all my stuff from camping over the weekend piled in the living room.  Laundry needs to be done and the laundry that was done before is still sitting in the living room waiting to be folded.  I have projects to complete and piles of paper and project items are everywhere.  The kitchen is ridiculously gross and I clean just spot and dishes I'm going to use.  I make the same breakfast of fried eggs because I don't want to think of something different.  I am not present when eating lunch or dinner and I'm not eating healthy at all.  I fill up my time after work with appointments and meeting friends, going to Home Depot and the grocery store.  Those things need to be done too, appointments for myself and the dog, I'm not good at balancing yet my time at home so that my home is a sanctuary for me and not just a neglected shed to store my stuff.  I'm working on it.  Love and Light.

Monday, April 9, 2012

4-9-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  An evening with nothing planned tonight
3.  My car running well
4.  Quakers
5.  Love and Light
6.  Music
7.  Sleeping well
8.  Guidance and protection with the Light
9.  Choices and Responsibility
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment.

I had a great weekend gathering with other Quakers at the Yearly Meeting.  I love Quakers.  I was informed that there was a lot more drama at this yearly meeting than ever before.  I couldn't tell.  Because Quaker drama is not like what other people call drama.  There is no yelling or raising of voices.  There are no grudges held.  There is lots of silence, the kind that is loving and being with another.  Emotions are not held in, they are expressed with love honoring the Light that is within every person.  It was beautiful to see.  I felt so safe and so friendly and loved.  It was in a beautiful retreat center north of Orlando and it was wonderful.  It would be wonderful to see the world and culture adopt something like this community.  Love and Light.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

4-5-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Breathing in life
4.  Love and Light
5.  My wonderful creative job
6.  Connection with the earth and with others
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Personal Growth
9.  Abundance
10.  Being of service

I had the honor and privledge of babysitting my best friend's kids last night.  A 6 and 3 year old.  I felt much joy and play having fun with them.  They are amazing personalities and people all their own.  I am honored to spend time in their Light and trusted to keep them safe.  It was a lot of fun and I am exhausted today.  I will be camping over the weekend, so no access to internet for daily updates.  I'm looking forward to some relaxation and reflection time.
Love and Light.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

4-3-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing in life and joy
3.  Energy from sun and wind
4.  Abundance
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  All my emotions
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Stories
9.  Relaxation and unwinding
10.  The Light

A late night babysitting and staying up with friends.  An early morning dog and a day cruise to get up for.  I feel like I could sleep for a week, and I keep getting up because I don't want to miss a moment with my best friend and her family.  On another note, it has been a daily fight with my dog to get him to swallow his heart medication.  He was prescribed it a couple of weeks ago and the novelty of having egg in the morning has worn off him.  He sees through the ruse.  He eats the egg and spits out the pills.  I need to try a new tactic and I'm tired of giving him pills already.  I need to remember to surround him with Light and let go.
Love and Light.

Monday, April 2, 2012

4-2-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My wonderful job
3.  My car running well
4.  Friends in town visiting
5.  Rest and relaxation
6.  Release
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Playing
9.  Voicing my needs
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment.

I need rest and I need to hang out with my best friend who is in town with her family for only a few days.  I keep telling myself, I'll rest later.  Like going to work this morning, I chose to because my boss was off and I was sick last week and things needed to get done.  Things need to get done around my house.  My kitchen sink is clogged, lots of science experiements are growing on my dishes, my laundry, unpacking from my last weekend, packing for my next weekend coming up, and my body is saying rest, close your eyes, rest.  I am important.  I am enough.
Love and Light.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

4-1-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sun and sand and beach
4.  Ocean and cleansing
5.  Friends visiting
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Parking spots
9.  Creativity
10.  Children

My best friend is in town with her husband and kids.  While at dinner, her 3 year old was moping after being scolded to use good manners at the dinner table.  I could see so much emotion going through her.  I leaned over and asked, "Guess what?"  "What?" she replied.  "You are loved very much," I said smiling.  She shook her head.  "Do you know who loves you?"  She shook her head again.  "Your mommy loves you.  Your daddy loves you."  And at this point she took over.  "And brother loves me.  And I love myself!"  With much excitement and a beautiful smile on her face she said loudly.  "Mommy!  Mommy!  I love myself!"  May we all love ourselves.
Love and Light.