5-31-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and Talent
3.  Endless possibilities in every moment
4.  My car running well
5.  Chanting
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Friends
8.  Automatic transcription in Soundbooth
9.  Headphones
10.  The Light

I'm tired of having headaches.  Vitamin D!  I'm deficient.  Seems odd that I would be living in the "Sunshine State" and yet I haven't been to the beach in months.  I haven't been outside much at all in months.  Love and Light.

5-29-30 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Group therapy
3.  Unconditional Love
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Rain and thunderstorms
7.  My car running well
8.  Abundance
9.  Typing
10.  The Light

Tired today.  Not much else to say.  Love and Light.

5-27-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Movies
3.  Day off from work
4.  Space
5.  Music
6.  Chanting
7.  Love
8.  Life
9.  Endless possibilities in every moment
10.  Incense

I'm taking care of finances today.  I've been putting it off a couple of months to where I have no idea the amount in my bank account or if I can cover my bills.  Back about 10 years ago, I was making a lot of money and I literally could not spend it faster than I was making it.  I never kept track of anything of what I was spending as my bank account kept growing.  Then I went into a period where I was counting every penny and barely paying my bills.  I was living on $50 worth of groceries a week.  It can be done and I never got skinny (LOTS of pasta).  Now I'm kinda in the middle.  I need to pay attention, but I don't struggle to pay my mortgage.  I need to pay attention if I want to do something special, like a vacation.  It's good to stay aware of finances and at the same time not worry about them.  Love and Light.

5-25-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Hanging out with a good friend
4.  Creativity & talent
5.  Choices & responsibility
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  The Light
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Posting this blog from my phone
10.  Trees & grass & earth & nature

I have an opportunity today to do everything I do from a place of love. First up on the agenda is a commercial shoot with an untrained family of non-actors. And also trying to do a special effects shot that I'm not sure I can pull off. I had several dreams last night where I showed up hours late to the shoot. Or I was paranoid that I was going to be late. In the past I would let me "default" feelings of fear then dictate how I would go thru the day, full of fear. I now have a choice to let the fear to and approach this shoot with love and joy. This is going to be an experience & I will do everything I can to make it a fun & loving experience for everybody. I'm excited to see what happens. Love and Light.

5-23-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Unconditional love
4.  Chanting
5.  Short days at work
6.  The Light
7.  Music
8.  Life
9.  Balance
10.  Endless possibilities in every moment

I was contemplating how I don't like being in a hurry.  My favorite speed is moseying.  I like drifting.  I like stillness and silence.  Rarely am I rushing around or pushing to get something done.  I was thinking how this is male and female energy.  The male energy, like the sperm, constantly moving, swimming, striving for it's goal, constantly pushing along, go, go, go.  And the female energy, like the egg, just drifting along, moseying down the fallopian tubes, going with the flow, and looking for a place to attach, to nest.  I need more balance between my male and female energies.  I think a little bit of going at a faster pace at times would be good for me.  Love and Light.

5-22-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  My car running well
4.  Happy Hour
5.  Coughing up gunk
6.  Seeing, walking, talking, typing
7.  Speaking my Truth
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Colors
10.  The Light

I'm alive today.  I had bloodwork drawn at 11 am and I needed to fast before it.  I was so hungry at lunch.  I'm alive and experiencing life.  Love and Light.

5-21-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Silence
3.  Endless possibilities in every moment
4.  Chanting
5.  Meditating
6.  Therapy
7.  Libraries
8.  Freedom and creativity in my job
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

I have the power to create what I need.  I was at work this morning and I was annoyed.  I've had a low grade headache for a month that has been draining on me, and this morning the extra noise from the TV that my officemate "needs to have on for noise" was grating on me.  I could tell I was going downhill with my attitude and my anger was starting to come out sideways.  I had a conference call first thing in the morning and I'm a visual person, I have a hard time paying attention to audio only and I was fading in and out of the conference call.  I was just not feeling well or able to concentrate and I know I need more concentration than normal on a conference call.  So that added to the TV being on causing distraction for me, and a busy day planned, I was ready to scream and throw things.  I didn't.  I ended up taking my laptop and working at the library, the quiet, almost silent library.  I am so grateful to have the freedom to be able to go to a quiet place when I need that extra quietness to think straight and focus.  I have been more productive in an hour at the library than I would have been at my office.  I need to remember to find the place for me that I need to work.  Love and Light.

5-18-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Acupuncture
4.  Chanting
5.  Creativity
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Sacredness
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light.

I've already have had years and years of experiences.  I can look ahead and imagine the years and years of experiences I'm going to have.  Some people look ahead at all those coming experiences and feel fear, as those people hold onto past experiences of struggle and pain coloring their future.  This is where I get stuck.  This is where I freeze and don't experience anything because I am afraid.  Some people look ahead excitedly at those coming experiences and race headlong into everything often experiencing the same pain and hurt over and over, as those people dump their past experiences in the forgotten dust just as soon as they are over.

I’ve learned to be fully in the experience I am having right now.  And that means to honor my experience and treat it sacred.  And that also means ALL my experiences, ALL my emotions.  The times I’ve felt amazing joy AND the times I’ve felt deep hurt.  Experience them with honor and sacredness.  Each of my experiences are mine alone.  No one will experience life in the unique way that I have experienced it.  I am the one to choose who to share those experiences with.  I am the one to find the lesson in each experience, to hold the lesson and let the experience go.  I need to be in this experience now, honoring myself.  I am sacred.  Love and Light.

5-17-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Creativity and talent
3.  My car running well
4.  Dreams
5.  Chanting
6.  Silence
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light

I feel this sickness in my body.  Well, I'm not going to call it a sickness.  I'm going to call it a transition. There are things that I believed about myself, and how I relate to the world since I was very very young.  Some psychologists call this "imprinting".  I've found that this is imprinted on a very cellular level.  Now if I get into a lot of the technical and scientific findings, that brain chemistry cascades down through body chemistry, that changing my thought/belief/attitude will actually cause a chemical cascading reaction changing the chemistry of my brain and throughout my body.  Without going into all that, I feel in my physical body, the transition from my old false beliefs about the world, switching to my new Truth beliefs that I've always known.  My Truth, my Light has been buried under my false beliefs and fears that I've held so tightly.  Held in my very body and now releasing them is like releasing toxins.  For anybody that's ever gone through a "cleanse" knows the feeling of toxins released from the body.  That's what I believe this sickness is, my releasing of my old deep imprinted beliefs.  And I've made it my sickness and it's lasting so long because I am not letting go of what had served me so well in my childhood.  It no longer does and I habitually hang on.  Today I let go of my struggle and allow the life I've created now to hold me gently and lovingly.  Love and Light.

5-16-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Breathing
4.  Chanting
5.  Sleeping
6.  Inspiration
7.  Learning new things
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Healing Light
10.  Friends

Love and Light.

5-15-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Therapy
4.  Being of service
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Breathing
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  All my experiences
9.  Good friends
10.  Preciousness

Again I have not slept well, or much at all.  I'm at work trying to think straight and focus.  Not doing very well in either subject.  My emotions are very close to my surface.  I have therapy later today and my soul already is starting to work.  This weird "business time" we force ourselves to do every weekday in our culture.  Forcing ourselves to fit our mind, emotions, and body into a predetermined framework of "acceptable work" is not natural.  There are limited number of sick days to take, and I normally don't use all of mine, or very many.  This year, this past month my body has needed more than I have.  There are many days where I need sleep past the time my predetermined alarm is going off.  Are we really better off having the faceless "appropriate work traditions" ignoring my basic needs for natural waking, for healthy emotional expression, for feeling the breeze and sun as I work?  Am I blaming something completely intangible outside myself when I need to release my own resistance within?  Love and Light.

5-14-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  Mastermind
5.  Music
6.  Unconditional Love
8.  Flowing with the Light
9.  Rest and relaxation
10.  All my experiences

I don't have any words of wisdom today.  I'm on a steroid pack for this insidious mild cold that I've had for weeks.  The steroid pack is not for the cold.  I have asthma and my breathing gets bad and my lung tissue inflames when I have a cold, so it's for that.  I still don't like being on this pack.  My breathing is a lot better, but I don't sleep at all when taking this steroid pack.  For 6 days I'm awake.  I'm surprisingly functional during this time, but I still don't like how my body feels.  Oh well.  I am breathing better which is good.  Hopefully this cold will stop hanging onto me, or me to it.  Holding myself in gentle Love and Light.

5-12-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Quakers
3.  Friends
4.  My car running well
5.  Hot tea
6.  Music
7.  Chanting
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  That of God in all.

I'm sick with a cold yet again or more appropriately, still.  It seems to go away and then comes back.  I'm grateful for my awareness that this is connected to decisions I've made recently about my physical body.  Decisions that I also made a long time ago and buried away as I opted to function more like a robot than having any REAL connection or communication with my own body.  In my past and even recent past, most pains or discomforts were ignored by me consciously and came out sideways at others in bursts of anger and annoyance and impatience.  Until the pain became so incredibly bad that I would have no choice but to pay attention to it.  And even then, I would minimize my own pain or illness saying that's it's not so bad.  I can push through it.  If I just ignore it, it will go away eventually.  I need to learn to treat myself, including my physical self sacred, with gentleness, compassion and caring.  A good friend texted me when she heard my cold has taken a turn for the worse and she said, "I hope you are treating yourself preciously."  I need to believe that I am precious.  I am precious.  Love and Light.

5-10-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Friday
3.  The Light
4.  Music
5.  Chanting
6.  My freeform creative job
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light in every person and everything

As a Quaker, I believe that there is that of God, that of The Light, in every person and every thing.  My belief is tested this week hearing about the women in Cleveland, OH that were abducted and locked up and abused continuously for more than 10 years by a man.  First, I am grateful that the women have escaped and now can begin healing emotionally.  I send them much Love, Strength and Healing Light. Being a survivor of abuse myself, I can relate to the healing journey ahead of them.

As for the man, I meditate strongly on my belief that there is that of The Light in every person.  I want to say except for this man.  I know that is not True.  I don't know this man, I don't know any of the people involved.  I heard this story on the news just like everybody else.  I know his actions were not that of The Light.  I know each person has a choice to either be guided by Their Light which is connected to God, or to turn away from The Light.  Doing violence on another is turning away from The Light.  Turning away from The Light does not extinguish it, I believe it's still there in every person it may be locked away, buried under mountains of debris, and it's still there.  This man needs to be held accountable and responsible for his actions.  Having The Light, or having experiences that cause a person to turn away from The Light will never excuse a person's actions.  I am not with experience in law enforcement to advise or make suggestion on how he is to be held accountable.  For me, believing that there is The Light within him reminds me that he is human.  There are no such things as monsters, only those who choose to turn away.  Love and Light.

5-9-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  My car running well
4.  Chanting
5.  Being within
6.  Unconditional love
7.  Natural beauty
8.  The Light in every person
9.  Friends
10.  Choices and responsibility

I have in my head what I want to write about, but it feels like it's too much effort.  I'm tired.  Love and Light.

5-8-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends
4.  Journaling
5.  Creativity
6.  A good review
7.  Sun and trees and nature
8.  Happy Hour
9.  Headphones
10.  Relaxation

Hard time coming up with this list today.  I still have this mild continuous headache since April 19th and as I move into the afternoon, I feel I have a harder time keeping a thought in my head or focus on anything.  Love and Light.

5-7-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Friends
6.  Tigers
7.  Therapy
8.  Feeling safe within
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Choices and responsibility

I was meditating this morning and I was aware of how this practice has become a habit for me.  A habit of sitting still and breathing and aligning my spine, and aware that I have no feeling of spirit or connectedness.  I set a timer for 15 minutes as I was taught, and I've been struggling more and more to be here in the moment, and find my mind wandering to the next things I'm planning to do, or reviewing memories or movies I've watched, or replaying songs in my head.  I've not been filled with Spirit nor Peace.  I've been going through the motion.  From outside of me I look like I'm meditating deeply.  I know from inside I'm constantly trying to get out of my head and into my heart and body, trying to be in my center.  I didn't feel safe sitting there and I was getting progressively antsy.  I decided to put my thumb and forefingers together, which has been taught to me over and over in hypnotherapy processes to be an anchor for that deep safe place within.  15 plus years of hypnotherapy with my therapist going through a variety of processes and always we start with that place of deep safety within and the anchor of thumb and forefinger together to instantly take me there whenever I need to.  The thing is, when I'm out and about in the world and caught up in our culture, I forget that I have that anchor.  This morning when I touched my anchor, I instantly felt safe.  I felt my spine root in the earth.  I felt calm and peace.  I felt a sense of belonging to myself.  Interestingly enough, even feeling that which I had been longing to feel, I still was not able to hold my thumb and forefinger together for the whole 15 minutes.  I was afraid that if I went there too often, I would lose it.  That if I felt that way throughout the day, my feeling and sense of it would fade and it would become habit and a struggle to find again like my meditation.  Is it possible to live from my deep sense of safety within?  Love and Light.

5-6-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  The office to myself
4.  Beautiful cool breeze this morning
5.  Chanting
6.  Ability to type
7.  Awareness
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Spirit
10.  Choices and responsibility

I feel like I am on the edge of understanding why I procrastinate and self-sabotage.  I feel like I am on the edge of shifting to no longer goof off out of fear, put things off out of fear, play video games or watch tv rather than do the thing I really want to do.  I'm on the edge of understanding why I'm so afraid of doing the things I really want to do.  I'm so afraid of enjoying myself and being happy.  I'm right there on that edge, I can almost see . . . it's very blurry and I keep thinking the vision is going to become clearer, like adjusting binoculars.  Even when I finally understand, I will still need to take action, to actually do something to move forward.  Only I can do that for myself.  Love and Light.

5-3-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Chanting
5.  Friends
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Rest and Relaxation
9.  Communication
10.  The Light

I'm exhausted.  I need to catch up on sleep.  Lots of sleep.  Love and Light.

5-1-13 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Chanting
4.  Sleeping
5.  Reading
6.  Acupuncture
7.  All my emotions
8.  Honor and respect
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Gentleness

This is the first day since the 19th that I actually feel better a bit.  It's been a long haul, and my cold/congestion never got past the mild to medium stage.  Since it was a long haul, I believe I've suffered more in sleep deprivation than in really feeling ill.  I slept a full night last night and I still feel exhausted.  I have more sleep to catch up on.  Since I'm exhausted I feel like I have nothing interesting to say.  And moving my fingers across the keyboard to type feels like work today, when usually I feel nothing of it.  Most of the time I feel like I think things and it magically appears on the screen and I'm not consciously aware of my typing.  Today it is work.  Sleep more.  Love and Light.