8-25-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping well
4.  Choices and responsibility
5.  Friends
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Freedom
8.  The Light
9.  Breathing
10.  Cool mornings.

I am ready for fall.  There are some weird bugs that come out toward the end of summer here in Georgia.  And after 20 years in South Florida, I am ready for fall to arrive.  I did not want to go through summer again.  And I realize that I had been allowing the weather to affect me.  The familiar depression I was feeling in Florida has come up in me, not wanting to go outside in the sweltering heat, dreading the hot car (so I just won't go to the grocery store or the bank), not wanting to take the dog for long walks.  My dog and I have not been on a hike since Memorial Day and I haven't even taken him for a long walk around the neighborhood.  Not only is it hot and sticky, I also seem to walk through fine spider webs wherever I go.  . . . . so, this does not sound like being grateful at all.  This sounds like a whiney rant.  And it is NOT the weather causing this.  It is my own decision to not see the gorgeous blue sky, to enjoy the beautiful cool breeze this morning and last night, to enjoy the thunderstorms and rain.  I am always my choice.  Love and Light.

8-23-14 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Saturday! (and air conditioning)
4. Endless possibilities in every moment
5. Choices and responsibilities
6. Unconditional Love
7. Sleeping and resting
9. Books and imagination
10. The Light

There is a part of me that sabotages my own wants and needs.  I used to fight against this part.  Try to get take care of my wants and needs faster than that "other me" could sabotage them.  I tried to ignore and deny that that "other me" existed.  Neither of these tactics worked and the end result (regardless if everything was neat and tidy in my life or if my life was in shambles), the end result was me being depressed, hating myself and beating myself up.  I have learned that this is not an "other me" it is not a part that is "outside of myself" no matter how much I try to put that part there.  This is a part within me.  A part that decided a long time ago that my own needs and wants were not important.  A part that behaved in a way to make sure that my needs and wants were not fulfilled.  A part that knew at the time in my life as a small child making that decision, it was the best way for me to survive.  Now, as an adult, that decision no longer serves me and that part of me is now sabotaging my health and wellbeing.  I now have much compassion and love for that part within myself.  I, as an adult, am now able to care about and make important my want and needs for that part of me that is unable to do so.  I am now able to love unconditionally for that part of me that is unable to love.  I flow my love to and through that sabotaging part, showing that part of me, showing within me and teaching myself what unconditional love is.  Teaching myself what making my needs and wants important feels like.  Love and Light.

7-14-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Working with wonderful people
4.  Choices and responsibilities
5.  The Trees, the Standing Nation
6.  The Light
7.  Family and friends
8.  Connection
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Music

I had difficulty coming up with 10 this morning.  And I'm in a very good mood which is strange.  Usually my difficulty comes from being in a dark place, and not so today.  I slept really well.  Woke up happy and content to start the day.  I am fitting in well at my new job.  Today, things change around for me at work.  I had been covering for an admin on vacation, and now she is back and will take back all the responsibilities I had been doing, so I will be learning new stuff this week.  Love and Light.

7-7-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My new job
4.  Trees and hills and mountains
5.  Music
6.  Love and Light
7.  Myths and stories
8.  Animals
9.  Breezes
10.  Getting cool at night

I'm not sure what I want to talk about today.  I want to get more in the habit of putting this blog out every day and right now at 6:30 pm, I'm a bit comfuddled.  Yes, I made up that word (although, I have a sneaky suspicion that I've heard my Mom say it).  Basically, I have lots I want to get done.  Somethings I need to get done.  I'm trying to get back to a routine and a schedule so that all my needs are taken care of.  So, knowing and deciding what to work on next, and then feeling tired from a full day of work.  All I can say is that I'm alive.  I'm here.  What I choose to do next is what will happen.  Love and Light.

7-3-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends and Family
4.  Trees (especially oak)
5.  The Light
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Being of service
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Choices and Responsibility
10.  This Beautiful Day

Thank you for this moment in time.  Thank you for now.  Thank you for all my emotions and all of life.  I enjoy being of service.  I enjoy being an administrative assistant and helping others accomplish their dream for their business.  That's an interesting statement I just wrote.  I enjoy being around others whose values align with mine.  Love and Light.

6-25-14 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Honesty and Integrity
3. My car running well
4. My new job
5. Friends and Family
6. Unconditional Love
7. Choices and responsibility
8. The Light
9. Trees
10. Being of service

I like my new job very much.  There is a good energy with the people there and an openness and honesty.  I feel I bring expertise in computer applications that they need right now.  I feel there is growth with this company.  I am grateful for the time I had off between jobs.  This feels like I fit well.  Love and Light.

6-23-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Starting a new job today with wonderful people
4.  The Light in everything
5.  Trees
6.  Beautiful day
7.  Sleeping well
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  Being of service.

I start a new job today.  I am excited as I am working with wonderful people.  I need to keep myself grounded to the earth and centered and open.  I am safe and relaxed.  This is exactly where I need to be.  I am looking forward to stability and also being of service and bringing my talents to this company and to these people.  I am shining my Light to grow with the company and it is my intention to enjoy working with these people in a long-lasting relationship to my retirement.  This is part of my balance.  This stable job and routine with loving respectful people.  And my sacred home-life pursuing my variety of interests.  Love and Light.

6-17-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Beautiful day
3.  Trees and hills and mountains
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  The Light
6.  Friends and Family
7.  Drumming
8.  Music
9.  Silence
10.  Sleeping

Love and Light to everybody.  I had a good interview today.  I really liked the person I interviewed with and loved that he had a vision of the culture of his company.  Not just what he wanted to get done, but that culture of respect and integrity and caring.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, it matters who the people I'm working with are and the values that they have.  Love and Light.

6-16-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog.
2.  My car running well
3.  Sleeping
4.  Choices and responsibility
5.  Music
6.  Writing, pens, paper, crayons
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Trees
10.  Parks and camping

I almost had an interview this morning.  I had the appointment set up with the temp agency recruiter since last week.  I found the office (it was hard to find tucked back behind a building with no sign on the door) with still time to spare and waited. . . and waited . . . and waited.  The door was locked and no sign of anybody in the office.  I waited.  I called the recruiter and found out she set the appointment and never got a confirmation back from the office.  They didn't know I was coming that day.  My interview is now tomorrow.  I tried to stay calm, to stay grounded and in my heart.  Nervousness and fear kept coming up for me.  Now, I'm tired.  I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open.  Love and Light.

6-14-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Beautiful day
3.  Quaker Meeting
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  My car running well
6.  My apartment
7.  Abundance
8.  The Light
9.  Music
10.  Sleeping

Am I my authentic self?  I was pondering a time in my past where I felt my most authentic self.  There was a time in my life where I was laid off of my job and I had enough money where I didn't need to get another job for 2 years.  I loved that time in my life.  I camped all the way to Denver.  I wrote a book.  I loved it.  Was that me being authentic?  Did my authenticity come out because I didn't have that "society created" need to get a job to pay bills?  Bills that are created by the society we live in?  Or was a I just having a good time?  Now is the present and I'm wondering what is my authentic self?  Being of service?  Living off the grid?  Writing?  Camping?  From this post it looks like I'm full of questions about myself.  Know thyself.  Love and Light.

6-13-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Setting up an interview for Monday
4.  The Sun and Trees (especially Oaks)
5.  Full Moon tonight
6.  To be of service
7.  Family and Friends
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  The Light

I'm working on getting myself into a routine.  Something where I touch on every category that is important to me every day.  My categories are Sacred Space, My Dog, Personal Growth, Be of Service to Others, Self Care, Friends and Family, My Creative Projects, and Physical Exercise.  I have other categories that are important because they are necessities.  These are here (I believe) just because of the society and culture that I live in and not necessarily things I would have on my list by my choice:  Material World (this is stuff like shopping, filing taxes, banking), and Job (currently I'm looking for a job.  I look at this now and see that these categories that aren't so important to me emotionally, but are needs, are all about money.  Money and money transactions are not important to me and are necessary to survive in our culture.  I believe I have my priorities in a healthy order.  Love and Light.

6-9-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Chanting
3.  Music
4.  Choices and responsibility
5.  My car running well
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Guidance
8.  A good book
9.  Creativity
10.  The Light.

I applied for a few more jobs today.  Not sure what is going to unfold in my life.  I trust in the flow of life.  I need to be in it, engaged in my life for it to flow.  I need to be fully open.  I realized how I had put a wall around my heart and that collapsed all my energies close in to me.  That is too much pressure, weight of all my energy being so close.  I need to open and spread my energies and my life will become lighter.  Love and Light.

6-7-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  A beautiful day
3.  Choices and responsibility
4.  Completing chores
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  Trees and more trees
7.  National Trails Day
8.  Being me
9.  Honoring all of my emotions
10.  The Light.

I know I've proven it to myself before, and yet I am always amazed that doing the cleaning and projects of hanging up pictures, and other chores around the house, I'm amazed they take less time than watching one hour of TV.  And again, doing things on the computer, like job hunting, writing this blog, finding information on trails to hike, take so much longer than I expect.

I am committed to stay on track with my feet under me.  Love and Light.

6-6-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  Napping
4.  Feeling everything fully
5.  Creativity and art
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Love
8.  The Light
9.  Pens and Paper and Writing
10.  This blog

I had a intensly feeling morning.  That means, I was sobbing quite a bit.  I was triggered by an email and found that I had been burying a lot of shame about myself.  I faced my fear and looked straight at what I had been denying for months.  One of my dreams about moving to North Georgia was to be near my best friend again.  I was looking forward, and expecting, that in the 6 years of living so far away I had healed a lot of my childhood abuse and wanted to show her how much I have grown in my life.  Then I struggled so hard with handling the move and my job, I felt so much shame that I was having so much trouble getting through the days and dealing with the job that I didn't fit into.  I buried my shame and projected onto my friend my loss of belief in myself.  I believed that all the growth I had done in the past six years, the intense group therapy and everything I had worked so hard to come to terms with my past was a sham.  I believed I was always going to be damaged and broken and never able to handle life well.  I projected onto my friend that I was always going to be screwed up friend that struggled through life.  I learned that I had kept that all hidden from myself and my friend and it was coming out sideways in all kinds of ways.  So this morning, with one email, all of my feelings came flooding out of me.  And my new decision for myself is that I handle and navigate my life joyously.  And my new behavior is to engage in my life and feel everything fully.  Love and Light.

6-5-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  Communication, direct and clear
4.  Endless opportunities in every moment
5.  Choices and responsibilities
6.  Cloudy day
7.  Love
8.  Light
9.  My car running well
10.  Abundance

I'm shifting my thinking right now.  It's a bad day for me when I turn on the TV right away.  It doesn't matter what I watch, it represents my choice that I do not want to live my life.  I want to escape into watching others live theirs.  I need to engage in my own life.  I need to engage in myself.  What does that look like?  Dancing, cleaning, hanging pictures up and creating sacred space for me.  I am me.  Love and Light.

6-3-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Trees and hills
3.  Music
4.  Therapy session
5.  Joy
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Sleeping
8.  My car running well
9.  Doing my best
10.  Unconditional Love

I've been remembering things today.  When I first "felt" committment.  I always thought it was the act of following through on what you say.  The first time I "felt" commitment was November 20th, 2013.  And like all my breakthroughs with emotions, it left me.  The first time I felt liking myself was a very brief moment to start with, and the first time I felt what letting go really meant only allowed me to be free for a few minutes.  And with all of them, I've felt them again and for longer periods of time, I felt them more frequently, and I've had to work at feeling them more and more.  Eventually they will become habit, I will feel them more frequently without having to work at them.  That's my wish, that's what I believe the pursuit of happiness is.  But what if it is always work to feel them.  What if they never come naturally.  Maybe my pursuit is making the work become natural.  Love and Light.

6-2-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  A gorgeous summer day
3.  A long hike in the mountains
4.  My car running well
5.  My apartment
6.  My comfy bed
7.  Finding everything at the store for taco soup
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Living in North Georgia
10.  Unconditional love

I'm writing this at the end of the day as opposed to my usual morning writing.  It was a lot easier tonight and I believe it's because I had a wonderful day, especially my time outside hiking around the mountain.  Some things that I needed to get done got done, and other things I needed did not get done.  I guess I'm stuck on getting everything done in one day.  It's not possible for me and I exhaust myself, or I never start because it's way too much to do.  When I spread it out over the week, I forget stuff, or don't get things done before deadlines or when they need to be done and I hurt myself or others.  It's life.  If I had it all figured out . . . . what?  Nobody's ever had it all figured out so why try to imagine what it would feel like.  Just feel what I'm feeling now.  Keep breathing in and out.  I'll live to tomorrow and the next day.  Love and Light.

6-1-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Trees and hills and cloudy breezes
3.  Choices and responsibility
4.  Music
5.  Art and creativity
6.  Friends
7.  Breathing
8.  Endless opportunities in every moment
9.  Writing
10.  Unconditional Love

Yet another fresh start.  Yet another try at pursuing what I want to do.  What if what I want to do is watch 12 hours of TV a day?  Old false logic would tell me "that must be what I want because that is what I'm doing."  I get so tired . . . . there needs to be another word for it . . . . full of life, maybe? . . . . I say that my back hurts or my head hurts, and that is the case but I'm feeling physical pain because of what I'm feeling.  What am I feeling when I accomplish things for myself?  I don't know.  I'm going to keep trying.  Love and Light.

5-14-14 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Trees
3. My car running well
4. Music
5. My apartment
6. Birds singing
7. Soft grass
8. Chanting
9. Drum meditation tonight
10. Love and Light

Looking back on my old lists, I am reminded of being grateful for "choices and responsibility".  Currently I'm not able to be grateful for this.  I feel like I have made a series of "bad" choices for myself.  I have lost my confidence that I am capable of making "good" decisions.  I am lost.  I choose to be lost.  I am the only human that can find my way, my path.  I choose to follow the guidance of the great spirit.  I felt led to my previous employment, and I had a lot of difficulty and issues with my previous boss.  I am afraid to follow another leading.  I feel sick today.  Love and Light.

5-13-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My apartment
4.  Ceiling fans
5.  This blog
6.  The trees with their new leaves
7.  Mountains, curvy roads, hiking trails
8.  Friends and family
9.  The Light
10.  A new day

I have been having a rough time with myself.  I have been watching marathon TV sessions, 12 to 13 hours a day.  This is not good having entire runs of shows available for me to watch whenever I want.  I've been wondering if Al-Anon or AA meetings would mind if I show up with my TV addiction.  Facing my own life is hard for me right now.  I have lost my confidence in my ability to make good decisions for myself.  I am currently unemployed, by my own choice.  I left my last job as I lost interest in video production.  I start wondering if I was really that interested in it to begin with.  I had difficulty with my boss, the owner.  The way she ran things was so foreign to me and didn't make sense to me.  An 8 to 5 job in a corporate cubicle started looking very good to me.  At least there the processes and policies and the way things would get done would make sense to me.  I am struggling to get through my days and to not punish myself for wasting so many weeks of TV watching.  I feel disappointment in myself in not taking this opportunity to do all the things I complained of not having enough time to do, like learning and playing music, writing another book, organizing my house and making a sacred space. There's just me here, no friends cheering me on, no partner or roommate to help or motivate me.  Just me . . . trying to push through the day.  Love and Light.

3-9-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Ability to install a wall mount
3.  Publishing my book
4.  Beautiful spring day
5.  Cleaning
6.  Taking care of myself
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  My car running well
9.  My home
10.  Good friends

And, of course, Love and Light.  I'm having a good dayA good pace of accomplishing things for myself, to take care of me and also to shine my own light.  I have become aware of my stomach these last few days.  More specifically, the pit of anxiety that resides in my stomach and awareness because it has been such a constant feeling, I really forgot that it was there.  It was a status quo type of feeling.  Now I am aware of the feeling, and instead of my automatic response of trying to escape it, I now relax into it.  I relax the feeling and let myself know that I am safe.  I do things to create safe sacred space in my home.  And interestingly enough, it is helping and working.  I am much less stressed out than I have been in the last 6 months.  I moved to a new state and a new job and I'm just now coming down from all that stress and anxiety.  Moreso because I have become aware AND decided to change that feeling and take action to change it.  Love and Light.

3-7-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Soft pillow, comfortable bed, warm blankets
3.  My home
4.  My car running well
5.  My best friend
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Trees
8.  Listening to the birds
9.  Love
10.  The Light.

I have been doing this list for several years now.  And yes, I have fallen away from my daily habit quite a bit.  I feel differently about gratitude.  Before my list was always things on it that I felt gratitude, but the feeling was so buried under other stuff, the stuff where I was just trying to survive the day.  There was the mental exercise of, yes, I am grateful that my car is running well.  The feeling would be more like "I'm aware that I am missing the feeling of worrying about my car."  That's what I thought gratitude was, the lack of worry.  Today I feel that gratitude is more.  I decided yesterday that I was going to put my needs first no matter what, I was going to take care of myself first.  And today I needed a nap.  I laid down in my bed with my dog and the pit of anxiety was growing in my stomach and my head was whirling.  I decided to nurture myself.  I reminded myself that I have a blanket on to be warm and help me feel safe.  I was grateful that my pillow was soft.  I watched the dog as he relaxed and slowly drifted off to sleep, with his eyes barely closing.  I heard the birds singing in the trees.  And I allowed myself to feel joy.  I enjoyed being grateful for these things, and my home, and myself.  I take care of me first.  Love and Light.

2-15-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Being of service
4.  Saturday
5.  Dunkin Donuts
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Love and support of friends
8.  My home
9.  Trees and mountains
10.  The Light

I need to do this more, especially on days when I get up and I'm full of dread and fear.  Which has been a lot of them lately.  Today I got up excited, I am volunteering with the Orange Duffel Bag Initiative and I start today!  I'm excited and nervous and hopeful.  I believe this is what I was Led to Georgia to do.  I focus today on the kids and being a loving, open, guide.  Love and Light.

1-23-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My best friend
3.  My car running well
4.  Time always moving
5.  Northern weather and cold
6.  Trees
7.  Breathing
8.  Connection with others
9.  Walking, seeing, typing
10.  The Light

It has been hard to make this list today.  I have fallen in a black pit of despair.  Listing things I'm grateful for is helpful.  Love and Light.

1-17-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Giving love and kindness
4.  Attending a spiritual ceremony tonight
5.  The cold weather
6.  All the many many trees in this area
7.  Quiet days at work
8.  The Light
9.  Sacredness
10.  Intention

I am attending a Full Moon Ceremony tonight.  I am new to this group and people and I am looking forward to meeting them tonight.  The invite said it will be a releasing and setting intentions ceremony for the coming year.  That we need to have what we want to release and our intent written down before coming.  At this moment, I don't know what to write.  I have been in such change by moving to another state and getting used to a new job, one that I am struggling with and have come to the decision that I do not fit into it.  I don't know what I want for my new intentions.  I don't even know if I want to release my current profession of video production to be able to move into a new profession.  I have the intention to be fully present, willing, open and vulnerable at this ceremony tonight, and I invite The Light to guide my path.  Love and Light.

1-16-14 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My apartment with a view of the woods off my balcony
4.  The cold weather
5.  Friends and family
6.  The Light
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  All of my emotions
9.  This list
10.  Quiet at the office

Doing this list has been difficult for me.  I had gotten out of the habit when I moved to Georgia and then I forgot about it.  I had been so focused on my new job and the uncomfortable working hours that I have, I forgot to be grateful and write down what was going well in my life.  Love and Light.