10-31-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Halloween
3.  My car running well
4.  Therapy session
5.  Music
6.  Silence
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Friends
10.  Writing

I'm loving the cool weather.  I feel like a bear hibernating some mornings and I do not want to get out of bed.  As was the case this morning.  And it doesn't help that my dog only wants to sleep in also.  Burrowed under the blankets.  I keep popping up to snooze my alarm another 5 minutes.  I would probably do better setting my alarm 45 minutes later.  I am definitely looking forward to the time falling back an hour this weekend.  Love and Light.

10-30-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Cool weather
4.  Sleeping
5.  Breathing
6.  My wonderful job
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Letting go
10.  The Light

"Let go and Let God."  I've heard this phrase and didn't really understand it until a couple of years ago.  I've spent so much time, especially through my childhood, hanging on.  Hanging onto sanity.  Hanging onto surviving.  Hanging onto any little thing that I had control of because so much was out of control.  It took me a long time to even know what letting go was.  I heard the phrase and didn't understand.  I finally did, I felt it inside, and I practice letting go.  I will tell you that my first instinct in any situation is to hang on.  So, I've been able to let go.  And this is mainly external things.  Letting go of trying to control things I don't have control of.  And yesterday I heard the message that it is time for me to Let Go and Let God work within me.  I've let the Light in and really let it in only where I wanted it to go.  Where I opened space for it.  This was a good step for me.  It was scary to begin with and I needed time to practice and be able to let Light in.  Now, I need to let go of more and let the Light work within me.  I've been having a hard time finding the right words to describe what I mean by "work within me."  Basically, I've been working hard on personal growth issues and delving inside to find my repressed and denied emotions and work to bring them up, and then when that's cleared within me, I allow the Light in to fill the space.  So, what would happen if I allowed the Light within me to permeate the dense walls of repression and denial that is still stuck in me.  Instead of me digging it out with a backhoe, let The Light within me expand and permeate and trust how the Light brings up within me and what it attracts to me in my life.  Let go and Let God.  Love and Light.

10-29-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping
3.  My car running well
4.  Cool weather
5.  My warm jacket
6.  Typing
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Breathing
9.  My soul
10.  The Light

I didn't want to make this list today.  I haven't wanted to do much of anything except for things that punish me and turn me away from the Light.  I haven't done my morning rituals of chanting and meditating the past 3 days.  I can very much tell.  I have a harder time seeing the Light.  Not doing them is a form of punishment to myself.  I tell myself its too hard, I don't have time in the morning.  I've been way off my food plan, another way to punish myself is with food.  A whole week of restarting, recommitting, and a whole week of screwing it up every day.  I was going to start again this morning, and it seemed too hard, the house is a mess.  I stopped taking care of myself on the 11th.  Love and Light.

10-26-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The rain
3.  Sleeping well
4.  My car running well
5.  Creativity and Talent
6.  All my emotions
7.  Noble friends
8.  Courage
9.  Time and space
10.  The Light

I'm grumpy today.  I forget about all the emotions.  I have a default that if I am feeling angry or sad or ashamed or hurt, I'm not allowed to feel them because I've done so much personal growth work.  That's an illusion.  Since I have done so much personal growth work, I am able to feel those emotions and express them in a healthy way.  In a cleansing way.  To clear those emotions so that I'm ready for the next experience.  So, now I know that I'm bottling them up again.  Denying that I'm feeling mad at myself, that I'm feeling hurt and scared.  Letting only a little out because I'm telling myself I've grown, they aren't intense anymore.  Yes, they are intense, these emotions will always be intense.  Not feeling the intensity of the emotions sends me down the path of depression.  I'm depressing my emotions to make them something other than what they are, other than what I feel, and I am depressed.  I release and let go, and let 'er rip!  Love and Light.

10-25-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Rainy day
3.  My car running well
4.  Endless possibilities in every moment
5.  Breathing
6.  Dreams
7.  Ability to type
8.  Friends
9.  The Light
10.  Forgiveness

Slept through my alarm and had an intense dream that my brothers and I were kidnapped by a brainwashing cult and used to bring in the crop of these very weird plants.  The cult people thought we were in our early 20's and I kept telling them that we were in our 40's so they couldn't brainwash us.  They didn't listen so they thought we were properly brainwashed and gave us more and more freedom, to where we could use our phones and call people, so I called for help.  The only number I could remember (because they deleted all the contacts in my phone) was my therapists number.  It was a very busy, intense dream and I'm feeling tired like I didn't sleep at all last night.  It's rainy here in South Florida with hurricane Sandy off the coast.  It's a curl up with a good book day.  Love and Light.

10-24-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Cell phones
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Unconditional love
7.  Noble friends
8.  Movies
9.  Being of service
10.  Forgiveness

I love listening to movie soundtracks.  The original scores.  A lot of people aren't consciously aware of the music that plays beneath the scenes of a movie.  There is so much emotional connection with music for me.  And for a lot of people, that's why they put the music there.  The music of emotion, of life, of experience, of feeling.  I love to feel the music inside.  I am so grateful for music.  Love and Light.

10-23-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  My wonderful job
4.  Life and experiences
5.  Experiencing everything fully
6.  Sacred cleansing
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Endless opportunities in every moment
9.  The Light
10.  Joy

I've had an intense month.  My grandpa went into the hospital on the 4th, died on the 10th, his funeral on the 16th, an intense group retreat last weekend and now I'm in the last full week of the month.  I spent last night creating intensity for myself because I felt strange not having anything emotionally intense going on.  I did not allow myself to relax into a respite from intensity.  I did not allow myself to take a healthy, cleansing, calming break.  I created intensity where there wasn't any because that was what my childhood was like.  Constant intensity.  It's hard to live like that, and that is where I'm "comfortable" because relaxing had been so foreign and uncomfortable.  I deserve calm, peace, joy, and some time to unwind and cleanse to prepare for my next dive into life experiences.  Love and Light.

10-22-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Noble friends
6.  PTI weekends
7.  Sleeping
8.  Breathing
9.  Unconditional Love
10.  The Light

I picked up my dog last night from the doggie resort.  It was so great to see him and hold him and pet him.  I got home and sat down to journal and he kept on jumping up on me and sitting on my journal while I was trying to write and licked my face and pawed at me until I petted and scratched him.  I'm at work now, and I miss him.  I'm grateful that I have nothing planned this evening as an event or appointment as I want to get back into "cleansing" regularly.  I realized that I had stopped and let things pile up as soon as I found out about my grandpa's death.  I'm human, I'm practicing at this, I'm allowed to make mistakes, and tonight I'll be catching up.  Love and Light.

10-19-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Family
3.  PTI
4.  Breathing
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Fall up north
7.  My car running well
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Experiences and emotions
10.  The Light

Since I was out of town since Sunday, up in Michigan to see the fall, and I got back yesterday and I'm off to a retreat for the weekend this afternoon, I decided to leave my dog at the doggie resort.  I miss him.  I thought about visiting him, but I thought that would confuse and upset him, to see him at the resort and still leave him there.  I'm looking forward to picking him up on Sunday.  I'm feeling off-kilter, off-balance.  I'm looking forward to the weekend retreat, for grounding and centering and a reconnected to the real world.  Love and Light.

10-18-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Fall in Michigan
4.  Silence
5.  Grandpa Stan
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  My family
8.  Noble friends
9.  Sleeping
10.  The Light

I spent 4 days up in Michigan and it was beautiful and so soothing to my soul to see the fall colors and feel the cool crisp fall air.  I love fall, it is my favorite season and I'm grateful that I was able to have some time back where I grew up feeling and seeing the fall.  I was back up in Michigan to attend the funeral of my grandfather.  He was 92 and full of life up until the final weeks.  He brought the family together, I personally hadn't seen a lot of my family since 1998.  There was a lot of visiting and laughing and reminiscing and also I got to meet a lot of kids that my cousins have had and have been raising.  It was great to get back with my cousins that I grew up with.  We saw each other almost every weekend playing at someone's house, my mom's or aunt's or grandma's.  I believe my grandpa waited until his passing would bring the whole family together.  He was an amazing man and now I hope he's giving my grandma all the hugs I've been wanting to give her all these years.  Love and Light.

10-12-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friday
4.  Music
5.  Meditation
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  The Light
8.  My wonderful job
9.  Creativity and talent
10.  Friends

I perceive my world in the way that I frame it.  Like a camera can only capture part of the whole picture.  Even when I am going thru my day, I only see what is in front of me or what is in my vision.  What if I were to expand my perception beyond frames?  There is a human part of seeing the world the way that I see it.  There is a need for me to see it a certain way because I am here to learn deep meaning from my experiences.  After I learn that, then I can push the frame away and see more to the experience.  Too often people get stuck in their framing, determined to only see it that way and keep that frame in place.  I'm scared pushing my frame away.  I will take that risk.  Love and Light.

10-11-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Breathing
3.  My Grandpa Stan
4.  Music
5.  Silence
6.  Many wonderful friends
7.  My family
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Forgiveness
10.  Compassion

My Grandpa passed away last night.  He was 92 and he said he was ready to go.  He was telling his daughters to "just pull the plug."  He wasn't hooked up to any machines and he knew that.  I believe it was his way of saying that he was ready to go, he didn't know how and he was scared.  He was an amazing man and he touched so many lives in his life.  He lived a full life and I believed he enjoyed much of it.  He always had a funny, touching story to tell, and cared deeply below his crusty exterior.  I miss you, Grandpa.  Love and Light.

10-10-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My grandpa
3.  My car running well
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Unconditional love
6.  Compassion
7.  Forgiveness
8.  Endless opportunities in every moment
9.  Silence
10.  My soul

Take every opportunity that presents itself to give your Love.  Tell those that you love them.  It's okay, you have permission to be human, to feel, to care, to show emotions, all of your emotions are beautiful and valid.  There is a need to express them, validate them.  Validate that you are human.  Love and Light.

10-9-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Unconditional love
4.  Noble friends
5.  Therapy session
6.  Group meeting
7.  My wonderful job
8.  Music
9.  Moxa sticks
10.  Silence

The Light is everywhere, with everybody, so many people need to see it, to feel it, to know it.  So many people turn away.  This is my wish and my prayer to turn to the Light.  Live life fully, completely.  Cleansing each experience and jumping in again to feel the dirt between my toes and rub my hands over the grass and feel wind and rain on my face.  I'm alive.  I feel.  I am Light.  Love and Light.

10-8-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  A "cleansing" weekend
4.  Good friends
5.  Happy Hour
6.  My wonderful job
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  Music
9.  Silence
10.  Unconditional Love

I forgot to do this list over the weekend.  I had a good weekend.  I used my new awareness/perspective of "cleansing" and I feel like my house is finally getting clean.  Becoming sacred.  It doesn't feel overwhelming any more.  I have much gratitude for my friend coming over and helping me and keeping me on task.  I have bags and bags of give-away, recycling, and trash.  Cleansing so that each new experience is fresh and new.  It was a good weekend.  Love and Light.

10-5-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My wonderful mechanic
3.  Abundance
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  Silence
6.  Music
7.  My car running well
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  The Light
10.  My soul

I have had many struggles with cleaning my house or cleaning anything, dishes, myself, the carpet, the windows.  I had always thought of it like I was trying to dig a whole while someone else was trying to fill it in.  Like bailing out a boat without plugging the hole.  Why clean it, it's just going to get dirty again.  And I shifted yesterday.  I was thinking about doing dishes and how it seemed that my counters were always covered with dirty dishes.  And I shifted away from thinking that washing them means that they are just going to get dirty again.  And shifted to cleansing the tools that help me experience life fully.  A physical cleansing and a spiritual cleansing.  My dishes get used and dirt and residue of living and experiencing food and eating  stick onto them.  Just like me when I am living and experiencing life fully, getting into the nitty gritty of life, the residue of my emotions, of the experience, stick onto me.  I do spiritual cleansing in my practices, I have tools to process through the experience and to cleanse the residue so that I am fresh and new for the next life experience.  Because like the dishes, if I don't cleanse them, the stuck on crusty residue from my past meal will flavor my next meal experience.  The stuck on residue from past experiences, if not processed or "cleansed" will flavor my next life experience.  I am excited and motivated now for spiritually cleansing through my physical cleaning to experience these amazing life experiences fresh and new.  Love and Light.

10-4-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  The guy that stopped his car in the middle of rush hour to help a duck safely cross the road
4.  Therapy today
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Excitement
7.  Unconditional love
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Divine guidance
10.  The Light

There are a lot of things that I understand, logically.  Things that I've known for a long time, and yet don't have deeper meaning for me.  I feel that I'm getting closer to having deeper meaning in all things.  This morning while driving to work I was thinking about my dirty dishes and how I'm so busy that my dirty dishes pile up and how was I going to change so that I could stay on top of them.  And I logically know that after I wash the dishes, they are going to get dirty again.  That's the way I think of it.  A shift occurred to me this morning to think of the cleansing as the deeper meaning.  The dishes are meant to be used and the cleansing of the dishes is the spiritual aspect of it.  Using the dishes is this physical life we are in and the cleansing is the spiritual cleansing of living this life fully (or the dishes fully).  I feel motivated to clean my dishes more often.  Love and Light.

10-3-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My big soul
3.  My car running well
4.  Creativity and talent
5.  After Effects
6.  My body
7.  My soul
8.  Divine guidance
9.  Unconditional love
10.  Breathing

Coming up with 10 things today took a while.  I don't know if I believe I am grateful for half the things on the list.  I just wanted to get the list written and get it done.  I don't really want to write a little blog today and I'm just getting that done.  I spent last night wanting my life to be done.  I hated myself last night.  And, of course, I can hear you through the miles of cyberspace asking "Why? What happened?"  I don't know how to answer those questions.  I felt hurt and angry and sad and scared and doing things to calm myself or to connect to love was too hard.  I feel I needed to hate myself last night, and I know my therapist would probably say that that is unhealthy.  That is hooking into my old habits, my old way of being.  Hooking into my hidden addiction to pain and suffering.  If I truly know that I am loved, truly KNOW I have a divine purpose, truly KNOW that I am held lovingly in the LIGHT always . . . what does that mean to all the years I was lost and in pain?  Love and Light.

10-2-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Awareness
3.  Sleeping well
4.  Thunderstorms
5.  My car running well
6.  My warm jacket
7.  Creativity and talent
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  My Soul

I slept very well last night with rain and thunderstorms all night.  I had a hard time getting up this morning and missed some of my daily morning rituals like chanting.  I had to get into work for an early teleconferencing call.  I feel rushed and a little out of sorts this morning.  I  have a fun day animating hair so that it looks like it's blowing in a strong wind.  Love and Light.

10-1-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Meeting with a friend
3.  Music
4.  My wonderful creative job
5.  Creativity
6.  Endless possibilities in every moment
7.  Choices and responsibility
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  My warm jacket
10.  Roseanne Barr for President

Finding out that Roseanne Barr is officially on the Presidential ballot cheered me up today.  I don't know why.  I've been sitting here trying to figure out why this cheers me up.  Anybody really can do anything they want in this country.  Anybody can run for president.  It's also humbling.  Humbling for Romney and Obama.  Roseanne made a name for herself with her sitcom to be the "everyman", the working class, the 99%.  I feel that Roseanne has always been herself, tried to be her truest self at every moment.  Not ever putting on a fake mask because that's what the audience wanted to see.  I don't know, I've never met Roseanne.  I believe Roseanne puts a human face on the election, flaws and blowups and compassion and tears and laughter.  So much of campaigning is polishing and presenting only what the candidates think the voters want to see.  Whenever a person presents only one side and hides all others, the illusion is built that it is okay to hide even more.  Hiding is a symptom of shame.  Government, I believe, should be transparent.  I would like to vote humanness, compassion, integrity, transparency, and unconditional love back into government.  We are all equal in the most humbling way.  Love and Light.