11/29/10 grateful for today

1. Breath
2. Meditation
3. My car running well
4. My adorable dog
5. Human connection
6. Aware of endless possibilities
7. My feelings
8. Co-workers who love and respect me
9. Unconditional love
10. Music

Another 10 things that was hard to come up with. Some of those things I want to be grateful of. Some that I have been grateful for in the past and have lost my gratitude for. I feel like my end is very near. I have a big weekend coming up and if I am willing and open, a huge change or transformation will happen for me. I seem to equate that with death a lot. A feeling of being ripped apart and of being no more.

11/28/10 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. completing my movie
3. rain
4. water
5. Sharpie pens
6. My glasses
7. My creativity
8. Helping my friend
9. My fan
10. Trees

I had a very hard time coming up with ten things tonight. I'm not connected to love tonight. I find myself wanting my friends to call me. To lean on me. To talk to me. I'm usually the caller. I was the callee for one friend that I reconnected with. I hadn't talked to her in a long long time. It was nice to be able to talk to her and help her with some creative ideas. I usually make myself feel sad by telling myself the story that my friends only call when they want something from me. And I used to make that mean something bad. I'm okay that they want something from me. I'm willing and want to share my creative abilities with them. I want something when I call them. I want their attention and listening.

11/15/10 grateful for today

11/15/10 grateful for today

1. water
2. hot cocoa and tea
3. dreams
4. connection with friends, all people
5. being in the flow of love
6. breathing
7. taking steps
8. infinite possibilities
9. creativity
10. strength

10-21-10 grateful for today

1. Water
2. Air
3. My adorable dog
4. My bed
5. Love from friends
6. Healing
7. The sun and outside
8. Endless possibilities
9. Food fairies
10. Email

Back again to start my grateful list daily. I wrote this one at work this morning as I was having a tough time being alive today. I hurt way deep down inside. Feelings that I've buried for decades are revealing themselves to me and finally coming out into the light.

It's hard feeling this deep hurt and accepting that it is a part of me. That's where this list is so helpful, so necessary for me to be able to live, and know that living is much more than just surviving. I'm ready to walk this deep hurt through me and release it . . . . it's tough.

Love and light.

9-3-10 grateful for today

1. Writing this list
2. This whole day
3. My cameras
4. Soundtracks and music
5. My adorable dog
6. toilet paper
7. Thunder and lightening
8. My brother Steve
9. Being fully present in this moment
10. Joy

I do want to do this list everyday. I can tell when I've been away from it for a while, it isn't a habit and I have to think about. As you can see, I haven't thought about it in a while. Or I've thought about it and told myself that I didn't have time to write it. There is always enough time for gratitude. And, yes, toilet paper is on my list. I ran out last night and I went to the store this morning to get some . . . you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I love that I have my film equipment. Finances were getting a little sketchy there for a while and I was considering selling it all. Knowing that it would find its way back into my life if we were meant to be together. Today I have been spending the whole day shooting a stop-action animation short. I really have to concentrate on what I'm doing. I can feel my brain being jelly. I've been doing pretty good. I'm going to get it all in and then maybe go back a shoot a couple of things over after I get the movie in the computer. Can you tell my brains been working at full capacity today? It doesn't take as much concentration to do this list so I feel like its going a mile a minute.

I shall slow down now and say goodnight and thank you for your patience with me.

8-21-10 grateful for today

1. Unconditional love
2. My adorable dog
3. My permission to be a mess
4. My creativity
5. Abundant time and space
6. Thunderstorms
7. The air and sun and outside
8. Inner awareness
9. My ignorance
10. Chanting

I haven't done this list in over a MONTH! I have excuses I could tell you . . . I was working two jobs for while and got out of the habit . . . blah blah blah. This list is not easy for me. It's uncomfortable and hard some days to come up with 10 things. I know and feel it helps me when I do it. I chose to listen to the lies, the illusions I came up with to not do this list. I know my soul needs this list daily at this time in my life. It doesn't matter if anybody reads it or not. I need it! And I need it out there where it can be found by other people. Too much of myself I have been keeping to myself. Locked away in my thoughts, locked away in journals and other places where nobody can find them. I don't want to be lost anymore. So this I need, to remind me of being grateful is beautiful and accessible, and to share some of me with the world. So, here I am again.

I gave myself permission to be a mess today. I worked on a creative project involving cutting up and gluing pieces of cereal boxes. I had the intention of cleaning my house up as I will be having company tomorrow all day. I lost my motivation. I've been struggling with being clean and tidy my whole life. And again I fell into its trap and rather watched TV than fold laundry or load the dishwasher. So I'm grateful that I was able to give myself permission to be a mess. I actually felt better cleaning up a few things because that pressure of cleaning everything was off. So, I did do a few things. (I've also set my alarm early in the morning to clean before my guest arrives).

8-19-10 grateful for today

1. Happy Hour
2. Open heart and mind
3. Abundance of choices
4. My adorable dog
5. My car running well
6. DQ Mini Blizzard
7. This experience of being a secretary as I know I will never have this experience ever again.
8. Infinite possibilities
9. My income
10. Mastermind

(again I wrote this at work because I felt myself dragging myself down into wallowing and whining about my circumstances. I had a harder time writing this list today than yesterday. It helps)

8-18-10 grateful for today

1. My car running well
2. My adorable dog
3. Friends who understand the personal work I'm doing
4. Affirmations
5. Abundance of choices
6. Responsibility of my choices
7. Abundant possibilities & opportunities
8. Food and Nourishment
9. Energy of life flowing through me
10. My intelligence, creativity, and imagination

(wrote this at work because I was in "life sucks" mode and I wanted to get out of it. This list helped a lot).

7-18-10 grateful for today

1. Visiting with my friend who is in town.
2. My dog.
3. My vision board.
4. This day and all the hours in it.
5. Possibilities for accomplishment
6. Possibilities for lessons
7. Possibilities for higher awareness
8. A nice breeze
9. My creativity and imagination
10. The community pool

It's time for me to get back to this ritual. I tend to pack a lot in my days lately and this little blog was the first thing I dropped off when I thought I had too much to do. There is time enough for everything. Rome wasn't built in a day. That phrase never had much meaning to me . . . . Nightmare Before Christmas wasn't shot in a day. I'm working on a lot of things that will show results over time, and the daily results don't seem like very big steps at all. I'm paying down debt, and shooting a stop-action animated short. Also, my personal growth seems to have times of big breakthroughs, A-HA moments, and I'm now seeing all the little day by day baby steps that were my prep work to be able to receive that big insight. That I had a place within to put it.

So, lots of things to take care of myself today and one of them is going swimming in the pool. Much love and light.

6-11-10 grateful for today

1. The ability, space and time to start this daily blog again
2. abundant opportunities in each moment
3. a good night's sleep
4. my adorable dog
5. my car running well
6. loving myself
7. a king size bed
8. FRIDAY
9. my creative talents and abilities
10. unconditional love.

I'm back doing my grateful blog. I was going to put on my list that I was grateful to not have the Census job any more. And I thought how strange to be grateful for something that was no longer there. If something is no longer in my life, what has come into my life? So, I'm grateful for space and time for creative self-expression. It's like putting on my list, that I'm grateful for NOT having a cold. Which would mean that I'm focused on the cold and will most likely contract one. On the flip side, if I don't have a cold, I have health. So it is much better to be grateful for what I have, my health. Not what I don't have. Our culture here in America is a bit twisted as we are conditioned and taught how to not see what we have, only what we don't have. We are taught to judge our lives in what we don't have as compared to others. When I am doing this grateful exercise, it helps me to see what I have and accept it without judgement or comparison to somebody else. When I am accepting and grateful for what I have, an amazing thing happens and I am open to what comes into my life.

For the past month, I have not been following this practice. I chose to take on a second job of the Census work and I chose to have my spare time eaten up with working that job. I learned that I really lost the grace of being grateful. I had a hard time coming up with 10 things, or even 5 things that I was grateful for. I didn't allow myself the time to sit and think of 10 things to be grateful for. I resigned from the Census because I learned about myself that I need space and time for creative self expression.

I love myself and my life.

5-9-10 grateful for today

1. Life can change and does change every moment
2. Choices
3. My adorable dog
4. Movies
5. My imagination and creativity
6. My soul
7. My movie and editing equipment
8. Hammock
9. Friends
10. My light within me.

I'm very tired and depressed. I'm now doing two jobs that have no creativity and no imagination in them. I feel stifled and lost and tired. I went to do a simple fix to my sink and broke it worse and now it's more complicated, I broke something behind a wall. I'm not asking for help. I need help. I want help. I'm keeping myself shut off from other people and giving myself an illusion of being connected. I traded one illusion for another. Some choices are very hard. I don't believe it is a choice until it is acted upon.

5-8-10 grateful for today

1. My second temporary job
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. My primary job
5. Meeting people and being outside working
6. Endless opportunities in every moment
7. Food that I have been given
8. My body in good working order
9. That my heart and soul makes my decisions, not my brain
10. My intelligence.

Wow! An entire week went by and I didn't post my grateful list. I can feel that I haven't also, because I spiral down into just thinking about the things that I don't have that I want. This list is very helpful for me to stay in gratitude and that makes my days so much more enjoyable. Since I'm working two jobs for a little while, I'm allowing myself just to post the list and not write for 15 minutes. As long as I get my list up of 10 things in the morning, that will help me. When I have time, I'll write some more thoughts and explanations.

Thanks for listening.

4-30-10 grateful for today

1. Tea
2. Water
3. My adorable dog
4. Sleeping in
5. This day
6. Opportunity to start over
7. My second job
8. Showering
9. The pool
10. My home

I am grateful for my home. I have been rather annoyed with my home for a few weeks, months, years. I have had the belief that my home has a feeling to it, a sensation when I walk through the door, that strips away all my good intentions and just radiates bad feelings. I've been wanting to move away for years, and have not done it. Mainly for financial reasons, I tell myself. The feeling of my home is only a reflection of the feeling I put onto it. I love my home and I am grateful for it.

Along the same lines, I haven't been taking care of myself, lately. As you can probably tell by the gap in these posts. Doing this list every day is helpful for me in taking care of myself. It is easier for me to do the things I need to do to take care of myself when I start out being grateful. I take care of myself from a place of love, not because I have to.

I'm grateful for starting over. I'm starting over in a lot of things today. I'm restarting my 40 day meditation cycle. I'm restarting this blog. I'm starting over in taking care of myself, my things, my house. I'm starting over being grateful for my second job. I'm starting over using my 15 minute timer (I haven't been using it except for meditation for a couple of weeks). I'm starting over my commitment to myself for my personal growth.

That's my 15 minutes

4-25-10 grateful for today

1. Beautiful breezy lazy Sundays
2. Time to relax and reflect
3. Connection
4. Playing at the park yesterday
5. Sore muscles today
6. Being present in each moment
7. Letting my life unfold
8. Allowing others to be who they are and holding space
9. infinite possibilities
10. Abundance

Oh, I just looked around for my 15 minute timer because I forgot to set it at the beginning of this. It's not in this room. I'm much too relaxed to go and get it, so we'll just wing it today.

I had a great time at the park yesterday playing with my friend and her family: kickball, frisbee, monkey in the middle, walks, talks, and connection. We attempted to cut my dogs nails which was a trauma for me. My friend assures me that I was more traumatized than my dog. We got the front nails clipped. The rest of the time was playing and me trying to remember to breathe when I run. I learned to run way a long time ago and I would hold my breath in terror. It took my a very long time to understand why people like to "go for a run". I figured they liked to torture themselves with terror, because that was what it felt like to me to run. I'm much better now, I have grown and let go of my old belief and have a new belief that running is fun and feels good . . . . now is the practice to get my body to believe that too. Breathe when I run. I repeated it a lot today.

I've found that I repeat out loud a lot of my new beliefs. A friend of mine got annoyed with me the other day because he reacted to it like I was preaching to him. So, he heard me telling him that he's wrong for his beliefs. I hadn't realized that I've been telling myself aloud my new beliefs, while my friends are present . . . . or rather, that they would not realize that I'm speaking aloud to myself my new beliefs while they are present. So, that was interesting.

I'm going to say that's my 15 minutes, even though I hadn't been keeping track of the time.

4-23-10 grateful for today

1. Water
2. Breathing
3. Choices
4. Opportunities to allow my healthy adult to step in
5. Ability to change my mind
6. Chanting
7. Meditation
8. Change
9. Sharing
10. Journals

Got out of bed this morning and the first word I uttered was "Dammit!" I had stepped on one of the many things I have had lying on my floor for weeks. A teacher had mentioned that I pay attention to my dreams, so I have been. And feeling like I'm not sleeping at all. These things are my responsibility. I put all those papers and things on the floor because I couldn't decide where their place was in my house. I'm the one paying intense attention to my dreams and missing sleep and the message.

So, lets look that just those two things this morning. I couldn't decide where to put these things that are on my floor (and throughout my house). And the deep root of that in me is I can't be wrong. What if I put them somewhere and then I figure out that its not the right place for them? What a horrible person I am. I can't even figure out where to put my backup CDs. My brain knows and understands if I put them someplace and that place doesn't work out, I can move them to another place. My emotions, on the other hand, I'll feel like a failure if I don't put them in the perfect spot the very first time. That's where "grateful for the ability to change my mind" comes from.

I'm the one paying intense attention to my dreams because my teacher suggested that I will have messages coming to me through my dreams. This is similar to the one before. Instead of just letting myself sleep with a little bit of extra awareness and reflection when I get up in the morning. I make it something that I HAVE to do and I HAVE to do correctly. What if I miss something. I'm going to miss the message. I need to slow down and trust that if I miss it, it will come around again. That me living my life is okay, it's safe, I'm not wrong. I am perfect for my life. My life is perfect for me.

That's my 15 minutes.

4-22-10 grateful for today

1. Breath
2. Life
3. My soul
4. Open to all possibilities
5. Choices
6. Taking full responsibility for my life now
7. Love
8. Asking without attachment
9. Receiving help I've asked for
10. Insights

I'm grateful today for my bed and my adorable (currently noisy) dog. I am exhausted. I'm going to sleep. I trust my soul. I trust my soul to take me on an exploration of my spirituality.

Love and light to the world.

4-20-10 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My mom helping me out
3. My progress I've made
4. My car running well
5. Financial abundance
6. My creative abilities and talents
7. My dedication
8. Honesty
9. Trust in the unknown
10. My good enough job that currently pays my bills

The last week or so, I haven't been keeping my grateful list in my heart as I go through my day. I'm aware of it when I make the list, and then that task is done so I put it out of my mind until the next time I write it. That is not the purpose of me writing this list. It is so I can take this gratitude with me throughout my day and add to it. I need to get back to that purpose of this list, rather than "getting my gratitude done and out of the way". I had turned it into something to be completed, rather than a seed to grow and flourish.

I set my intention to take this list with me and my gratitude with me today and feel gratitude growing inside me throughout my day.

Much love and light.

4-18-10 grateful for today

1. The dog food store being open today
2. Supportive responses from my friends
3. Every new moment a possibility to shift and change
4. Change
5. Open to possibilities
6. Choices
7. Adventure and risks
8. Wonderful cool cloudy weather
9. Connected inside and to the world
10. Unconditional love.

I started out yesterday pretty well. Then I turned into loser mode. I know it was my choice. Looking back, I believe I spent too much time trying to figure out my budget. I'm trying to do it a new way and I'm confusing myself. Instead of taking a break (or using my 15 minute timer), I pounded myself on the budget from 9 am till 2 pm until I was so frustrated and annoyed with myself. I then chose to spend the rest of my day reading a novel and watching mindless TV and feeling sorry for myself.

So, today is a fresh start. I do feel some leftover "loser" emotions from yesterday. My urge to crawl under a rock and not move is very strong. So, I'm going to arm myself with my 15 minute timer. I can do anything for 15 minutes. I choose to embrace this day with love, joy, openness, and trust.

I have some changes happening. I've put myself back out there as a video editor. I have a temp second job starting in a week. I have a very good close friend leaving this area to pursue her dreams (which points out to me how much I talk about my dreams and how little I do towards them). I have changes happening physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I need to remember that I'm not alone. I can take care of myself. I need to remember the forward progress that I've made (some days I feel like I'm all the way back at square one).

Maybe I should start taking risks, or being aware of what risks I do take. What's a risk I can take today? Finish my short script and send it out to the actors I have lined up and schedule the dates for the shoot.

That's my 15 minutes.

4-17-10 grateful for today

1. Honesty
2. Wonderful cool cloudy weather
3. Getting out of the house
4. Friends
5. My adorable dog
6. My body
7. Every moment of life
8. My choices and decisions
9. Ability to change my mind
10. Negotiation and collaboration

Honesty with myself is beautiful. The things I'm being honest with myself may not be beautiful, may be hard for me to look at, and hard for me to say aloud or write down. The act of being honest with myself is beautiful. And necessary. There have been things in my life that I have done that I have made taboo of speaking about or acknowledging. Now, your imagination may run wild, and these things are not that crazy out there. I am not comfortable speaking about them here in this open forum and I will tell you that other healthy adults do not have a problem about speaking of these things in trusted company. A lot of people acknowledge these things privately to themselves. So, today, this morning, I have been able to finally acknowledge to myself that I am human and have these "things" also. As you can tell from my round-a-bout way of speaking that I'm still uncomfortable with acknowledging these "things" and also how I'm feeling about it. More work for me to process. I am celebrating that I am finally able to be honest with myself and acknowledge them and my feelings. I need to be aware in order to process or change. So that's a step.

I'm looking forward to going to the park with my dog and meeting a friend and her dog. It will be good to get out of the house. A major PURGE and SHIFT of my physical living space is in order so that I enjoy being in my space more and enjoy going out to enjoy nature more. Rather than my going out is to escape how my house currently feels to me.

Well, I gotta get a move on and call my friend. Much love and light to all.

4-16-10 grateful for today

1. My therapist
2. My body
3. My adorable dog
4. The cool weather
5. Acceptance
6. Connection
7. My car running well
8. Water
9. Abundance and prosperity
10. Time

My dog is barking at me, wanting my attention. I want to meditate this morning and am wondering if I have enough time before work. I've had an interesting couple of days.

I am grateful for my therapist. I almost didn't put it down on my list. I was afraid that people would know I go to a therapist and therefore would judge me as unstable. Even though I state repeatedly that everybody could use a little therapy. The other resistance of putting it on my list is if it is appropriate. Confidentiality is very big for me to be able to do the therapy work that I do. Sometimes I do a little dance and struggle in my head as to what is appropriate to share and what isn't.

I have many tools that I have learned from my therapist that I use to process feelings, to understand situations, to remain true to myself and calm and loving to others. Something came up that I was at a loss as to how to process it and I'm grateful to my therapist for being there with me and helping me through it and teaching me a new way to process. I felt a huge shift within me and I asked a friend of mine who sees me everyday and she said it was a major shift. And I'm grateful I have a new tool to process things with.

I'm not taking the full 15 minutes as I want to chant and meditate before going to work. Love and light to all.

4-13-10 grateful for today

1. Ken's blog at MildlyCreative.com
2. Asking without attachment
3. My vision board
4. My talents and abilities
5. Unconditional love and acceptance
6. Trust
7. My car running well
8. My adorable dog
9. Taking risks
10. Cool rainy cloudy weather.

Check out Ken's blog here: http://www.mildlycreative.com/2010/04/do-what-moves-you-because-nobody-moves-like-you-do/. His blog for April 12th is insightful also. I'm so grateful that there are resources out there that people like Ken share. It's nice to be reminded that I'm the only one that does it like me. I had recently been offered an opportunity to teach shooting on a set. I am good at what I do and I'm also good at teaching. The thing that was stopping me and what I put out there as an excuse to hide behind my resistance was my equipment. My equipment is old and out of date and most of it I made myself from home depot. The things I shoot, you wouldn't be able to tell that the equipment is not "professional". And I was using this excuse and hiding behind that my fear of rejection. My equipment will be laughed at, I wont' be taken seriously because of my equipment. Just take equipment out of those sentences and my real and true fear comes to the front. I'm afraid I'll be laughed at, I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously just as myself. And I become clear. I take these secretary jobs because I know it's not risk. Because I know I won't be challenged. Because I know if I screw up, I won't care. And so I take these jobs that do not fit, that I don't care about, and then I don't care about anything in the world.

There was a time when I did challenge myself, when I spent all my time at creating a business for myself. I did pretty well, yeah, I made some mistakes, AND I was doing it. In the end, I hadn't processed my personal terror, and I got in my own way. Now what? Now what risk am I going to take? What am I afraid of?

That's my 15 minutes.

4-12-10 grateful for today

1. Rain
2. My adorable dog
3. Engaging with people
4. Each new moment is a choice
5. A good friend to spend lunch with
6. Time moving along
7. Physical movement
8. Free
9. Abundance of opportunities and directions for me to go in
10. Choosing ALL

I made my list at work today. I was having a "my-life-sucks" day. I came home and had a cry and scream into my release pillow day. It's not even stuff that happened today. It was a build up of emotions getting stuck in my body. I have a lot of them stuck in my body. I'm grateful for my body. I'm grateful for physical movement to release all that is stuck all over my body. It's not just hurt and pain stuck in there. Pleasure and joy are stuck in there to. Along with excitement. What's very interesting for me is that I really have to pay a lot of attention to breathing when I'm doing physical activity. It needs to be conscious thought for me to breathe. Because for most of my life, I didn't breathe through physical movement or physical touching. Physical exercise is much different when I'm breathing. I feel like my blog is not very cohesive or coherent tonight. That's okay. There's always another tomorrow.

Much love and light.

4-9-10 grateful for today

1. Snoozing more than once.
2. Gmail
3. Organization
4. Endless possibilities
5. Infinite opportunities
6. FRIDAY!
7. Choices
8. Relaxation
9. Beautiful sunrise
10. My good enough job

I snoozed my alarm for an hour. I was up late with the dog. There were lots of weird noises last night and he was jumping up and barking at every one. We both finally fell into a good sleep about midnight. So, I'm taking a slow morning getting around for work. I love Gmail, it's so easy to organize my emails on there. I know I'm in an organizing mood because I just spent a half hour organizing my emails. So, tonight after work, its organization time (with my 15 minute timer).

It's a beautiful orangey peachy color in the east. I'm looking forward to the weekend and accomplishing many tasks. I'm in slow mode and that's okay for today. It's good to have slow periods and take my time to look around and feel my experience rather than just do and get it done.

Much love and light to all.

4-8-10 grateful for today

1. Happy Hour
2. My video equipment
3. Laughing doubled over until no sound comes out and tears do
4. Good friends
5. Food
6. My bed and sleeping
7. Infinite possibilities
8. Bartering
9. Trust
10. Openness

I'm grateful for life. I have had a pretty rough time the past few days being grateful for things and finding negativity creep into my life. And with that, the illusion that the problems in my life are caused by external things. I am the power in my life and I choose to keep my power. Therefore I take full responsibility for my life as it is. I have made the choices in it and I am the one that has gotten me to this moment. The universe is infinite as I am infinite.

I can hear some of you say, "Oh, THAT'S why you haven't been blogging your grateful list everyday, you been having a rough time." Which can make sense. I choose to believe it is the other way around. I've had a rough time being grateful because I haven't done my grateful list every day.

It seems as though my choices and decisions are getting bigger, that what I choose has more effect on my life. I think the choices have been there all along, I just didn't allow myself to see them. So, as I gather my power back, I'm seeing the bigger choices and adventure. And as I see the bigger choices and make decisions, I gather my power back. I've gotten scared a few times about all the possibilities presented to me. I realize now when I just want to sit and watch movies all day or play video games, it means I'm avoiding seeing a big choice or choices in front of me. I've had that the last few days, and when I'm present in the moment, I can see a huge number of possibilites for my life to choose from. And what's really cool, being a scanner, I get to choose all of them!

That's my 15 minutes.

4-6-10 grateful for today

1. A relaxed morning
2. Goodbye
3. open to all possibilities
4. Connected to AND & ALL
5. My adorable dog
6. My car running well
7. My good enough job
8. The end of my vacation
9. Choices
10. Universal energy

I've realized that I have been thinking in terms of "lack", in terms of "either/or". Such as, I can either afford this evening seminar or this Tai Chi class. I need to be thinking in terms of "AND" & "ALL". I have the power within me to be able to attend this evening seminar AND this Tai Chi class. I have the ability and time to to do ALL that I want to do. It gets a bit tricky for me as my finances are committed to past debts at this time. And also there is this thing called "when". I would not be able to attend the evening seminar and tai chi class if they were held at the same time, so finding ones that fit in my time schedule is something I do naturally. Finding ones that fit in my budget monetarily and time wise, I'm not as practiced yet. So, something to work on. Rarely is anything in this world "one time only". Our soul lessons keep repeating for us, so do opportunities. The evening seminar will come around again. The Tai Chi class is ongoing. It is possible to think in terms of AND and ALL and stop limited myself. I am able to have my good enough job and enjoy the people there and celebrate my income AND pursue my career of passion AND all my other ideas and creativity that come up.

Life is experience and beautiful. Much love and light . That's my 15 minutes.

4-4-10 grateful for today

1. My friend Jamie
2. The beach
3. Sharing
4. Acceptance
5. Unconditional love
6. My adorable dog
7. Change
8. Open to possibilities
9. Joy
10. The sun and earth

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days. I'm not giving an excuse. I take full responsibility for missing 2 whole days in a row. My friend Jamie is staying with me visiting and we have been connecting and sharing and I did not make time for this list. I have been enjoying the last couple of days immensely. I am leaving Jamie alone in the other room, so I'm not going to take up too much more time on this list today.

Love and light.

4-1-10 grateful for today

1. Happy Hour
2. Mastermind
3. Sharing with other souls
4. Life experiences
5. Arts and crafts
6. Letting go
7. Valuing myself
8. Knowing when others are projecting onto me
9. Scanners!
10. Honesty

Yes, Happy Hour is at the top of my list and it's something different than what a majority will think it is. I'm starting a business enterprise with a partner and we are calling our weekly meetings Happy Hour. We are starting a partnership business venture doing things that we love to do and this is to remind us that we are Happy talking about ideas and action steps and procedures and who to get involved and all that stuff that goes into a business that sometimes gets tedious. We focus on this business being fun and enjoyable and that other stuff is fun an enjoyable too because we are our own bosses. We make all the decisions. And so, Happy Hour. My business partner is also a scanner (see Barbara Sher's "Refuse to Choose" for more info on scanners), which makes it a lot of fun also because the directions we go and are following are unlimited. Scanners in business together making a scanner business. This will be so much fun.

I am grateful that there are other souls on this planet that I'm able to share with and are able to share with me. All life's experiences are precious and we learn on our path. The exchange of energy with true sharing of self is such a beautiful and amazing process. Powerful. Exchanging of energy, energy is power, open and honest sharing of self. I know before for most of my life, I shared about other people because I didn't want to lose my energy, what I didn't know, and what was not taught to me, that sharing about myself, truly and honestly, fills me with more energy and power than hoarding all the energy inside me for myself. Energy gains power exponentially when shared. I know now that when I'm talking with another person about somebody that is not there is an illusion. It is not sharing my energy. It's not sharing any energy at all. It's a false sense of connection, that leaves me feeling empty and alone. It's this illusion that our society has been teaching for generations out of "politeness" and "decorum". When sharing how we truly feel honestly with others that accept and support our feelings just by holding sacred space for them, will do so much more for our society than any prisons or laws or government.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-31-10 grateful for today

1. A new schedule for my routines
2. Lots of video work and prospective work
3. Letting go
4. Allowing life to unfold
5. The steps and small progresses
6. Children
7. Unconditional love
8. Universal energy and consciousness
9. Allowing gentle progress
10. Letting things be as they are

I've really gotten a good foundation of feeling that the things I'm doing today are steps that will lead me to what I desire. I have some tedious video transfers to do, and I was tired of doing them years ago and I have been making it a chore for myself to get them done. Now, when I look at them as a step to the next big thing in my production career, I get quite excited about doing them. My next big lesson is time. To be grateful for the time I spend at my good enough job. To be grateful for the time I spend taking care of myself (laundry, cleaning, cooking, exercising). It's hard for me because I have so many things I want to do and take care of.

I switched my schedule of my routine around, so I'm going to be getting up later in the morning and staying up later, which means more time to do things after work. I am staying aware of my physical needs and sleep need and I'm not going to force myself to stay up. I do have my vision board done and I would like to hang it up tonight so I can begin to "vision" on it by looking at it as my vision and not something to finish. Oh, a note on Mod Podge. I got the wrong kind for my vision board and I tried it on a corner and it became all wrinkly and I was worried that I was going to ruin it. So, no Mod Podging my vision board. Maybe later (like months later).

I feel time pressing down on me, so I'm going to close with 3 minutes left.

3-30-10 grateful for today

1. Sleeping in
2. Getting back on track
3. Making new agreements
4. Open communication
5. Abundance and prosperity
6. My adorable dog
7. Cool weather to sleep in
8. My breath
9. Opportunities
10. Choosing to enjoy today

I've skipped a couple of days of doing this list daily. I'm okay with that. I'm getting back on track today. I slept in a lot this morning. I've been setting my alarm for 4:30 am for about a year now. When I first set it like that a year ago, I was getting up and exercising and doing my morning routine of chanting and meditation. Since our last time change, I have been guiltily snoozing for hours and then having to pick and choose which morning routines I'm going to do. So, I realized today that I can make a new agreement for myself. I have shifted and changed and my morning routine is allowed to shift and change. I can change the time I get up, and change what I do in the morning. I get to experiment with my morning activities until I find a routine that is beneficial for me again. Life is wonderful amazing and ever-changing.

What I know. I know that I like doing my grateful list in the morning. I know I like to have my meditation right after my chanting so those I'll keep together. I know I want to start exercising (I love Denise Austin). I know Tai Chi is essential to my mind, body spirit. I know I like to shower at night. Today, I know I got up at 6:30 am, showered, am now writing this and will have time to walk the dog and make breakfast and lunch and go to work.

Then there is all the abundance and prosperity of work and projects that I have to do. And all of it is fun! I was accepted for a second job yesterday that starts the end of April. I have video transfers lined up to do. Movie projects, website projects.

Whew! That's my 15 minutes.

3-28-10 grateful for today

1. My business coach
2. Thinking clearly
3. Forgiveness
4. Clearness (Unclutter)
5. Video work
6. Changeable goals
7. Desiring without attachment
8. Good friends
9. Shower
10. Bed

It's interesting this feeling of desiring without attachment. I have been so clouded in my thinking trying to attain something this year. I would like to take the third series of this retreat that I have taken the last two years in a row. The last two years I put all on credit and this year, that is not an option. Every decision I have been making has been warped by making that goal. It really has been putting fog in my vision. For example, I have lots of ideas, lots of projects going on. I am following my passion and my passion leads me down several different paths all at the same time. So, time is precious to me (odd that I'm saying that after spending the last three hours watching a movie). Anyway, instead on focusing on these great ideas and doing the things I enjoy, I had been warping every decision to try to make money fast. To try to make this goal of this retreat become a reality as soon as possible. I was forcing it.

This post doesn't seem clear at all. . . . .

Yesterday was powerful for me. I did a powerful process to forgive my father. I have a strong feeling right now writing this because this post goes out to the world. It will be out there for anybody and everybody to see. I was wondering if I need to tell you what my father did to me. And I don't need to. Everybody reading this has a father. It's one of those things that we can all relate to being human. So, I want the world to know that I forgave my father, yesterday. I let the past be in the past and I live now in the present moment. What happened still happened, this doesn't erase anything. My boundaries with my dad are still intact (for my present and future protection). I love my dad and wish him well on his journey through life.

Thats my 15 minutes.

3-26-10 grateful for today

1. Rain
2. Sleep
3. Breath
4. This wonderful day of possibilities
5. My adorable dog
6. My car running well
7. Affirmations
8. Meditation
9. Unconditional love
10. People, being with people

I sleep so well when it rains. I have a hard time waking up. When I do, I like to have a slow morning getting ready, so its a bit of a struggle and a balance. The rain brings out the subtleness in us all, I think. Interesting word, subtle. I've been reading more of Taoism and the path to higher spirituality and enlightenment and being subtle and finding your subtle nature is important. My nature that is just there, not there and amplified, not there and pushed out and focused on, just there. Just be.

I've been having issues with exhaustion. I think my body is rebelling because I have not been paying attention to it. I need to balance mind, spirit, AND body. I tend to get more in my head and lately been delving into spirit. My body needs more attention. Since I haven't been paying attention, my body wants to sleep all the time. The only way I know how to give attention is to exercise. I have been desiring work that has more physicality to it. Or maybe I just need to change my thought patterns. I have always believed that I don't like exercising just to exercise, there isn't any usable product out of it. I need to change that. Hmmmmmm. I enjoy exercising my body and feeling my physical abilities and power. I lovingly care for my body through exercising. That sounds pretty good. I'll start with those affirmations today. Right now.

Much love and light.

3-25-10

1. Money
2. An abundance of work
3. Opportunities
4. Infinite possibilities
5. This day
6. A half day at my "good enough job"
7. Abundance
8. Rest rooms
9. Sleep and my bed
10. Life experiences

I am grateful for money. It's surprising to me that that is a new feeling for me, being grateful for money. I had come to realize how much I had resented money because money to me had meant manipulation, control, power over me. I had a wonderful realization yesterday that money is a reflection of abundance and prosperity. It is a reflection, not the actual thing. My goal is to be aware that abundance and prosperity are everywhere. This world is abundant with everything and there is plenty for everybody. Money is a reflection of that abundance, not the goal itself. It's like looking in a mirror. I see something in a mirror that I want, if I try to get it through the mirror I will break something (my hand banging against the mirror and wall or the mirror). If I make attaining the mirror as my goal, I won't attain the thing I saw in the mirror. So, money is a reflection only. It's a tool, like the mirror, to visibly see abundance.

I have an abundance of work coming my way and I'm very grateful for it. I have a half day at my "good enough job" so that I can record a client this afternoon that I'm so excited to be working on this project that I believe is a positive light in this world. There are so many opportunities to bring more light into the universe. I'm very excited about a lot of them. (So, I just went off in my head imagining all these projects and who will be involved and the possibility of sharing with more people).

That's my 15 minutes.

3-24-10 grateful for today

1. Sleeping in
2. My adorable dog (and bed warmer)
3. This list
4. My power to choose everything in my life
5. Connection with friends
6. Acceptance of myself and others
7. This beautiful day to unfold before me
8. Chanting and meditating
9. Change
10. Where my attention goes, my power goes

I am grateful that it's okay to change my routine. I had been chanting and meditating in the morning for 6 months or more and I was started to become afraid that my days would fall apart if I didn't keep up with that routine of doing it in the morning. I found that I really like this change of doing this list in the morning and doing my chanting and meditating when I get home from work. I enjoy being grateful first thing in the morning. Life is amazing. Life is even more amazing for me when I am present in the moment. I realize I have spent too much time worrying about what is to come and what is going to happen in the future and trying to control that. I love being in the moment that I am in and I'm beginning to find that it is easier and more fun to let my soul go where it wants to go, rather than force it.

I have been desiring a small cabin in the mountains that is mostly self-sufficient and only a small financial stream of income so that I can spend my days finding the natural rythms of my body. What is the best time for me to get up? And what does my body want to do first in the morning? To be able to meditate without the pressure of going to work or completing work by deadlines. That's funny, that's where the gift is. To be able to meditate with all that pressure is the gift. Imagine learning to be able to meditate, to let all that pressure of schedules and work and to-do lists fall away, to meditate and release all that pressure that is bearing down is the gift.

There is a big smile on my face ready to see what this amazing day will bring to me.

Love and light to all.

3-23-10 grateful for today

1. Sleeping in
2. Flexibility
3. My good enough job
4. Opportunities
5. Good friends
6. My soul
7. Infinite possibilities in every moment
8. Snuggly PJs
9. Loving myself
10. Life

I slept in until 6:30 this morning. I woke up grumpy and started out feeling angry and hurt that I had to get up and face the day. I realize that this is a choice that I make. I honor my angry and hurt feelings and know they are coming from a place inside me where I feel wounded. There still is a wound deep inside me. My choice is to either project that wounded angry hurt out onto the external world where I will never be able to be free of it because projecting creates an illusion, or I can choose to acknowledge and honor my feelings and hold space for my feelings and know that life is amazing and wonderful and ever-changing. This day is a gift. I choose to be in the present moment and allow the joy and love that is abundant in this world to carry me through my day. My feelings of hurt and anger are also a gift. I acknowledge that deep wounded place inside me and I hold myself lovingly, knowing that to delve deep into that wound is to heal it. There is a time and place for that. At this moment I need to get ready for work and I hold space for my wound, my joy, my energy, my light, my hurt, my anger, myself.

I love and accept myself and this day as a beautiful gift. I celebrate.

3-22-10 grateful for today

BREATHE!! It's 10:30 pm. I've been going like gangbusters all day. I am grateful for this day and all the work. I'm grateful for breathing. I'm now going to bed and will do a list in the morning.

Much love and light.

3-21-10 grateful for today

1. My emergency fund
2. Creativity
3. Determination
4. Tai Chi
5. Harry Potter
6. Possibilities
7. Opportunities
8. Putting myself "out there"
9. Community
10. Love

I haven't been practicing doing my Tai Chi or going to my class. And my back feels it, and I feel it. I found an online community of "scanners". I appreciate the online. I very much prefer the in person. We are all so insulated from each other. Taken physical steps away from each other while still maintaining the illusion of connectedness: phones, text, email, forum posts, youtube videos. Hiding behind our walls, in our apartments, not visiting with neighbors, not talking to the people that are in a physical presence close.

I miss close connection with others and I'm determined to find my way out of my apartment more often. To go out and meet people and say hello and truly be concerned and interested in making strangers my friends. To go and see my friends I already have more often. Maybe I'll come up with a job or business opportunity that will get me more in touch with people and new people in a creative and fun way more often.

There is a difference between saying and thinking I'm going to do these things and actually doing them. I'm quite used to my old way to "think about", to "intend", to "know I'm going to do it when I get home". And then something else takes over, I sit in front of the TV and continue to just think that I'm going to do these things. Continue to live in the "safe" daydream rather than take action. I did a lot of work last year so that I wouldn't be stuck in this trap again. I know one part of the key is getting good rest and planning fun activities along with all of these projects I'm working on. I know another part of the key is staying focused regardless of other things going on. (I'm trying hard to convince myself).

Much love and light.

3-20-10 grateful for today

1. Budgeting
2. Open to all possibilities
3. Friends
4. My adorable dog
5. My car running well
6. Borrowed video equipment
7. A full day of accomplishment and fun and visiting
8. Unconditional Love
9. Holding space
10. Sleep

I need to stop making these lists as the last thing of the evening when I have a hard time keeping my eyes open. I can barely think straight any more this evening. I am feeling very open and loving to all. I hold space lovingly for others transformation. And for my own. I need to take care of myself and go to bed.

Much love and light.

3-19-10 grateful for today

1. Meryl Streep (who reminds me so much of my friend Kerry)
2. My adorable dog
3. Brown sugar
4. My bed
5. The possibility to be profound
6. Love, Trust, and Openness
7. Asking for what I want without attachment
8. Reaching out for connection with others
9. Sharing of myself
10. Awareness

Just watched The Devil Wears Prada thinking that I wouldn't like it at all. Well, when the movie came out I was not aware of my womaness. I would actually deny it. A left over survival mechanism. So, I recently have become aware of my femininity and a new perspective on my beauty and being a woman. I'm still not sure about all that fashion and beauty stuff. I do see the difference in the character Andy from the beginning to the end. And fashion is like art. I still don't like to have stuff on my face. I think that's why I still look so young is because I rarely have worn makeup.

I was going to write about Meryl Streep. I love seeing Meryl in anything because she reminds me so much of my friend Kerry. Even while playing Miranda, I see Kerry playing the part. There's something so similar about the two of them that I always think of Kerry when I see Meryl. And yet, I can't put my finger on what is similar. They kinda, not really, vaguely look . . . well not really. Then I think maybe gestures or voice lilt or . . . . . . I dunno. Maybe their aura or soul is the same, or kindred spirits.

Meryl's not the only one. Everytime I see Tom Hanks, I'm reminded of my brother Rick. Again, I'm probably the only person in the world that would put the two of them together as similar. There is something there . . . . .

Me? Who am I like? I'm finally getting to really know me in my deepest part. I think other people have been able to see it or sense it all along. I'm just now dropping the blocks and the walls to see me as I truly am. Some parts are very scary and initially hard to look at. And all of me is beautiful. As is every one.

Much love to all.

3-18-10 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My amazing, wonderful, producer, noble friend
3. All my friends
4. All my emotions
5. Good sleep
6. My car running well
7. My video capture running on one computer
8. Creativity and collaboration
9. LOVE
10. Trust in the unknown

Again, a late post where I'm tired and want to go to bed. Actually I want some cereal and then I want to go to bed. I know I'm tired because it looks like the computer screen is waving back and forth like its on a boat in heavy seas.

I'm grateful to trust in the unknown. I am open to receive the next moment in my life, the next experience.

I'm going to bed. I need to rearrange my schedule and get this done in the morning.

Much love to all.

3-17-10 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My good enough job
3. this blog
4. Love
5. Opportunity
6. Openness
7. Trust
8. My frustration and sadness
9. My creative abilities
10. Meditation and chanting

I really did not feel like making this list today. I came home with a list of have-to-dos in my head. I didn't do them and watched mindless TV instead (finally saw the beginning of RoadHouse, not a great accomplishment). I got myself stuck in old thinking. In old already defeated despair thinking. And frustration and sadness is on my grateful list today. I had been trying to avoid feeling that and distracting myself with TV. I am grateful having those emotions. They are my emotions and they are from my soul pointing out my warped old thinking to me. I am frustrated at myself. I have an opportunity to apply for a position at a TV station. It will be a foot in the door at PBS which I think would be so cool to work for. They have a lot more interesting shows that much of what is on TV. And best of all, no commercials. So, back to being frustrated with myself. I have to redo my resume, write a cover letter and send in the application. And the frustration comes with my old self-defeating thinking that I'm not good enough. That I don't have the abilities and who am I fooling. Which is very sad that these old thinking still comes up for me. I am very talented. I am more than able. I'm sure I can bring PBS to a whole new level and popularity. I'm slamming the door shut on myself before I even see what's on the other side. So, that is sad.

Which brings me back to forgiveness. I really need to forgive because the thought that is under everything is "YOU did this to ME". Forgiving is letting go of that. Forgiving is taking my power back. My power to put myself out there in the world for all the experiences that are good and wonderful for me.

I am grateful for this list. It was good for me to make this list when I was sitting here telling myself I could skip tonight because I couldn't think of anything to put on it. How was I going to come up with 10. So, I'm very grateful that I could come up with 10 things to be grateful about. And it reminds me of the days where I think, I only get to list only 10?!

Thats' my 15 minutes

3-16-10 grateful for today

1. Opportunities
2. My 15 minute timer
3. Abundance
4. Cool weather
5. Sleep
6. Slow day at work
7. Chicken
8. My adorable dog
9. An evening to myself
10. Speed typing through my grateful list so I can go to bed.

I love my 15 minute timer tonight. I am so tired, and I had to get a few things done and it was so nice to know that I was only going to spend 15 minutes on each one. Tasks are so much more manageable for me when they are only 15 minutes. Abundance is continually showing up in my life and I am open to receive.

You guys are only getting 4 minutes from me tonight. I can't keep my eyes open. I commit to you and myself that I will post a full 15 minute blog tomorrow.

Good night.

3-15-10 grateful for today

1. Abundance
2. Telephones
3. My adorable dog
4. Flexibility
5. Flowing with life
6. Sleep
7. Meditation
8. this blog
9. My passion
10. Creativity.

Sorry fans, I'm sleepy tired tonight. It looks like I need to be flexible with my schedule and go back to writing this blog in the mornings which is when I intended to do it. It has become later and later in the day to where I'm just so happy to crawl into my bed and that's all I'm thinking about.

'Till mornin' then.

3-14-10 grateful for today

1. My release pillow
2. My adorable dog
3. Frustration
4. Life
5. Noble friends
6. Reaching out
7. My soul
8. Starting new, afresh, again
9. Shower
10. Having a bed to sleep in again

Two steps forward, one step back. That's not quite right. All the steps are forward, just some of them don't seem like it. Like walking on a sidewalk. Seems pretty easy for a while. Then abruptly the sidewalk ends I'm walking through waist deep of thorn covered brambles. Doesn't seem like I'm walking forward, or sometimes moving at all. I might not be moving out of fear of the thorns. I need to move, I want to move out of there. Instead of going straight, it may seem shorter if I go sideways for a while. Yes, I know, shortcuts don't work when moving through life. It's best to push right through the thick of it, right to the center of the thorny brambles. If I do that, a miracle happens. All the brambles are transformed into soft, silky long grasses.

Maybe "push" is not the right word. I've been trying to push to make things happen for a few weeks and I'm getting a lot of pushing back. I need to trust and follow the path that my soul is leading me down. I have to flow. Let my life unfold. Ask for what I desire and let go of the attachment to it. All in time. Choices give me power. It is all my choice. I may choose to follow others advice. I am my own person. I'm having a hard time with things becoming hardened rules with me. I make a choice that I'm going to follow this plan. This plan then becomes a hard fast rule, rigid and unbending. Then life doesn't follow this plan and I've given away my power to bend. I can choose again. I choose to bend. I choose to follow the guidelines, the path and bend with what life throws at me. I have choices. There are an infinite amount of choices in every situation. And yes, this situation is a gift.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-13-10 grateful for today

1. Not being perfect and within that being perfect
2. My adorable dog
3. Beautiful weather
4. People and the good energy they have when they gather
5. My condo
6. Abundant work to do
7. My spirit
8. Courage and strength
9. Experiencing and processing and flowing
10. Forgiveness

D'oh, I forgot to start the timer again. Well, it's a late post (9:00 pm, late for me) and I'm ready for bed. I started running errands and the day was so beautiful, I went to the beach. It was a good decision. Spring break is in full swing and I so loved the boost of energy I got driving down A1A was heart opening and energy flowing. I have been telling my friend that want a job where I'm outside some of the time, doing something physical some of the time, and then inside working at a desk and computer some of the time. I just realized that I've described filmmaking.

It's time to get those creative juices flowing again and get a new project going. I love creativity.

Time for bed.

3-12-10 grateful for today

1. The Academy Awards
2. Sandra Bullock
3. My passion
4. My creative abilities and talents
5. Letting go
6. A piece of me coming home again
7. All my emotions
8. My tears
9. My desires
10. Life and all the experiences and opportunities in it.

I so much love who I am and what I do. I am a Filmmaker and a creator and a person. I love me, I love the world. What am I waiting for? What am I afraid of? I have so much heard others tell me that I can't, that now is not the time, that you need to wait for the right opportunity. Other people do not know what I need. I know what I need. I know when it is the right time. I know that ALL the opportunities and possibilities are right. All experiences are good and have lessons in them for me. I know now that I can let go and let other people shine in their light. I don't have to be so controlling, I don't choose to do to them what was done to me. The idea, the creativity becomes so much greater when I, we all, let it flow like it does naturally.

I have something I need to do for myself. I have been putting it off because it is something I need and is currently very hard and scary for me. I desire to be free. I need to walk through where I have been with compassion, understanding, and forgiveness in order for me to see and feel the freedom I have right now in this present moment. I have been distracting myself with illusions of objects and circumstances outside of myself. I have been focusing outside of myself. Not completely, because I have much abundance and love coming into me. I know what I need and I know I have the courage and strength to face it and to do it. I know the world will open up to me when I choose to.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-11-10 grateful for today

1. Mastermind
2. Coworkers and my good enough job
3. endless possibilities and opportunities
4. experiences in life
5. every moment of every day
6. My adorable dog
7. Learning that a budget is flexible, not rigid
8. Desiring to sit on my balcony
9. More cool weather coming next week
10. Receiving the edited footage of the movie I shot three years ago!

I am so excited!! I feel like a part of me has come home. I will finally see the final edit of the movie I shot 3 years ago. I produced and was the cinematographer while my friend was the director and editor. After we wrapped shooting the movie, both of our lives were turned upside down. He moved away and I fell apart emotionally. Finally he sent me the backup drive of all the edits and raw footage. I have it loaded in my computer and I'm waiting for all the files to render! I'm so grateful that I finally get to wrap this production up and honor all of my promises of a finished movie to all that worked on the film. The people that were in it have moved to all corners of America.

It's interesting, that was my last big project and my last serious filmmaking project. I've dabbled with some fun shorts and nothing too involved. I've just this past couple of months been delving back into filmmaking and that community and that's when this shows up at my door. I have video transfer jobs to do again, and this, and I'm talking about productions with a producer friend of mine. I'm really ready to jump back in. This is my passion. This is my career. I LOVE MAKING MOVIES. I'm ready to jump in the deep end and enjoy splashing around.

Life is amazing when I am grateful for what I'm getting. I'm getting quite a lot.

Oh my gosh! I must be really excited. About to when I get through the third paragraph, the 15 minute timer is going off. I still have 5 minutes left! I'm typing very quickly and words are just pouring out. And so I don't just fill up the rest of the time with words, I'm going to say goodnight, now.

3-10-10 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My budget
3. Letting go of needing to have it NOW
4. Great friends
5. My best friend coming for a visit
6. Choices, endless choices
7. infinite possibilities
9. Opportunities
10. LOVE!

I'm getting back into being connected to feeling the wonderfulness of life and living. Every experience, every moment is a gift. The weather here has been beautiful! Just gorgeous. I have choices to live my life in the way that I feel naturally guided. I had been trying to force a path onto myself. There is a retreat that I've been going to every year and this year financial commitments are being honored. I had been scheming and budget crunching trying to be able to force the finances for the retreat this year. I realized that my focus on the money has been blocking my energy, my flow, my love. It's been blocking my enjoyment of life and everyday. I realize I've been working on my budget and not on my growth. Yes, a budget is helpful for me to be responsible for my money flow. I need to realize that it is a FLOW and it is linked with my energy and LOVE flow. So, I needed to let go of making sure I'd be in the retreat this year and trust that if I am meant to be, the abundance and path will appear to me. And I needed to remember that money started out as tokens of love and appreciation. I need to let my love flow and enjoy and celebrate each day and share my enjoyment and love with others.

I just remembered I wrote one of my items down this morning to put on my list: I'm grateful for my Vision Board. And I'm still working on my vision board since the last week in December. It is really big, 3 feet by 3 feet. I have a TON of pictures and phrases cut out to put on it. Everything won't fit, there is way too much. So, every day or every few days I spend some time on it, sorting through phrases, pasting some things on. It made me think of my Grandma who always had one of those big difficult puzzles set up on her dining room table. We would come to visit and study the pieces and put a few in for her, or help sort. That's what this vision board has turned into for me. And it's inspiring because it is inspiring phrases and pictures. It's my vision for myself. What I want to work on in me, in my business. To know that working on things even just a little bit every day gets me closer to accomplishing things.

That's my 15 minutes!

3-9-10 grateful for today

1. True connection with others
2. My open heart
3. Unconditional love
4. Focusing on my growth, wholly
5. Choices, everywhere
6. Open to infinite possibilities in every moment
7. Open to the possibility of the infinite opening to me slowly at a pace I can handle
8. Trust
9. Letting go and enjoying being me
10. My 15 minute timer

I'm grateful for this day and choosing to change my perspective and let things go at work. I do a good job and the work I do matters and at the same time I can hold space that in the big picture of my life it is a very small part. Small does not mean insignificant. In acting there are no small roles, only small actors. The past couple of days I have been feeling overwhelmed, as a scanner does from time to time. I'm behind in my work at my job, I'm behind on the projects I'm working on at home, and I had just signed on over the weekend two clients for camcorder tape transfers and my producer is sending me all the footage to burn copies for all cast and crew of the last movie that we did. I had felt a little overwhelmed. I'm much better now. I am grateful for all the abundance that is coming into my life in form and experience. Life is amazing. My life is amazing and wonderful. OH, I also opened back up to change (I hadn't realized I had closed off from it). So, I'm grateful that I am open again to change and I am growing and ever-changing.

Wow. 8 minutes left and I'm ready for bed. That will be it for tonight.

3-8-10 grateful for today

1. My current job
2. My co-workers
3. My creative abilities and talents
4. Helping others
5. My car running well
6. My adorable dog
7. Each and every day
8. Moving forward a step at a time
9. Being a scanner
10. My 15 minute timer (which I forgot to start)

I am a scanner. A scanner in the description that Barbara Sher has defined (check out the book excerpt from "Refuse to Choose" here: http://www.careerknowhow.com/improvement/choose.htm). I am a scanner. And I've had a day where I did not want to be a scanner. I have so many interests, I'm working on several projects at once, specs for a new flash website program, ideas for a new invention, music composition, pre-production for a short commercial, and PBS series, and editing home movies into collages, writing scripts and stories and articles, creating art, creating a vision board, physics equations and theory, astronomy, Taoism and Tai Chi, etc. (Which is why I love my 15 minute timer). Today I wanted to be excited about only one subject. I wanted to be a person that delves into a speciality. It seems so much easier to want and love to do that ONE THING!

I know what it is. It's me not accepting myself as who and what I am. I will never be happy with just ONE THING to do. I will get bored, I know that. I am a scanner. I will always be out scanning the horizon for that new interest that I'll get excited about. That new project. I am a scanner. I am grateful that I am a scanner and I love and accept myself.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-7-10 grateful for today

1. Birthday party where friends get together
2. Joy
3. My couch
3. My car running well
4. Gifts
5. My adorable dog
6. The Oscars
7. My 15 minute timer
8. Extra jobs coming my way
9. Feeling tired
10. Not doing my full 15 minutes for this blog tonight.

Much love and light to the world. Goodnight.

3-6-10 grateful for today

1. Nap in the middle of the day
2. Walking through fear
3. Asking for help
4. Parks and nature
5. My adorable dog
6. My life
7. Making new agreements
8. Music
9. Available choices
10. Deciding

I was feeling a bit of my old self today. Some worthlessness, some terror, some depression. I was trying hard to change that feeling by changing my thought patterns, by being active, by doing things. And what helped was to just fall down into those feelings. There's where the nap came in. I let go of trying to fight it and I relaxed and slept for three hours. When I got up (and it was a long process getting up) I then made a call that I didn't know if it was a good decision or not. I have been debating it for a few weeks and putting it off. Telling myself to wait until I find out about this interview, or wait until I hear about that job application. I finally called (the credit card company) and asked for help. I stayed calm and I asked questions and stayed in the present moment. I made a new agreement with them. I keep wanting to type something here and I keep deleting it. I type "I still don't know if it was a good decision." Then I delete it. I've done that four times now. This is where my brain and my feelings differ. And "good decision" by whose standards? I'm pretty sure I'm talking about me. Is it a good decision for me. My feelings are telling me that every decision I make is a good decision because every choice is living life. Waiting for the possibilities and situations and issues and problems to just go away, is like waiting for death. I'm going to trust my decision and move forward from this point on. The deal has been struck.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-5-10 grateful for today

1. Endless opportunities
2. All of life's experiences
3. My brothers
4. My adorable dog
5. The wonderful cool weather
6. Friday and the infinite possibilities the weekend holds
7. My budget
8. Responsibility
9. My passions
10. My creative abilities and talents

Is there a word that means infinite, endless, unlimited that does not have the negative add-on to a limited word that means the opposite? Infinite has "in" an add-on (which means "not") tacked onto "finite" which has an end. Endless has "less" an add-on to "end". Unlimited has "un" which means "not" tacked onto "limited." Let's look in the thesaurus. I love the thesaurus. That's my number 11 today, I'm grateful for the thesaurus. Hmmmm. The only one that seemed to become close to the meaning (and I really like it) is "all-embracing". Well, lets see, if I have infinite possibilities, does it mean the same that I have all-embracing possibilities?

The reason this came up was that I have been taught that the universe provides us with everything we ask for and does not know the meaning of "not". For instance, if I know what I do not want, I can't ask the universe for it "I do not want more financial problems" because the universe hears "I do want more financial problems" and that's what I get. I was wondering about "endless abundance and infinite prosperity" does the universe listen in the same way to those words since the add-on to the root is "not"? Probably not, I was just curious if there was a word that was all-encompassing without using the negative opposite of a root.

Basically, what you focus on, that's what the universe brings you more of. If you are focusing on what you do not want, you are still focusing on it. Focus and be mindful of what you want. And then you ask, well what DO I want? Which is where I'm at.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-4-10 grateful for today

1. ALL my emotions (even annoyance and frustration)
2. Completing and mailing my application
3. Opportunities
4. Experiences
5. Love, Trust, and Openness
6. Busperdirtnabin
7. My adorable dog
8. Being true to myself
9. Meditation
10. Friends and honesty

I have mailed out my last fellowship application. I interviewed today for a promotion at work. I'm ready to go to bed. I send much love out into the universe. What I sometimes forget is to receive the love coming back towards me. There's that old training, give, give, give, give. I receive with love, I share with love. I am annoyed with love and frustrated with love. I am grateful that I have friends that have called me up and have triggered annoyance and frustration in me. I'm grateful for the trigger, there is more for me to learn. More for me to clear up in my emotional house. I'm also grateful that my friends have grown themselves and I know they do not take it personally. I take responsibility and own my annoyance and frustration.

If I don't process these emotions tonight, they will come up again. I can choose to let them go and learn their lesson at a later time. Now the trick is for me to know whether I'm letting them go as a healthy response because I am physically tired and in need of rest, or am I giving myself the illusion of tiredness so that I may avoid processing these feelings. Again, I take responsibility in knowing that and not delude myself. Meditation is so helpful in knowing myself truly. Get my brain to stop making all these logical arguments and pull up evidence for why I am tired now and prove that its okay for me to be tired now. For example: You've had a busy week, your work schedule is all screwy, you had more mental hoops to jump through this week, you've had meetings monday and one yesterday, you've been working hard on your application, etc. etc. etc. None of that really matters when I sit still, close my eyes, let me thoughts float away and just feel. I feel tired and sleepy and sad and love and a need to recharge.

That's my 15 minutes.

3-3-10 grateful for today

1. Completing things
2. My adorable dog
3. Opportunities!
4. My 15 minute timer
5. Love, openness and trust
6. Letting go
7. Breathing
8. Movement
9. Ink for my printer
10. JOY!

Letting go. Boy, years ago when I first heard that phrase (in association with healthy processing), I was at a loss of comprehending what it really means. I saw an episode on Dharma & Greg where she tells people to "put it in a bubble and blow it away." Way back then I equated it with forgetting or denying it ever happened. That's not letting go at all. That's burying it and unhealthy. Quite a lot of people that have studied and lived their lives helping others have tried to explain this. I'm trying to now and I find that it is difficult for me to put into words. My process of letting go is acknowledging my emotions, feeling them fully and truly in order to release them. Letting go is remembering what happened, remembering what I felt as a memory and not the full force of those feelings as it was happening. That's just one part of letting go. I'm finishing up my last fellowship application tonight and when I mail it off I will let go of the outcome. I will send out this application as a desire of what I want and let go of the attachment of getting it or not. I am grateful for the opportunity to apply. It's like, I'm glad to just be nominated.

I am so glad to have learned to let go. I let go of what no longer serves me. 30 minutes ago my frustration served me. My dog was barking at the TV and I allowed my frustration to be projected on him. My frustration served to me wake me up to the truth that I was frustrated at myself for not working on my application, yet again. I felt my frustration fully and released my old habit of self-sabotage. My frustration no longer serves me, I let it go. My old way of doing things was to finish my application then spend much time remembering that I blew off completing it for a few days and stay frustrated with myself. And that definitely doesn't serve me anymore.

Sharing much love. That's my 15 minutes.

3-2-10 grateful for today

1. Unlimited possibilities and amazement
2. Inspiration, other people being inspired
3. My 15 minute timer
4. My car running well
5. Meditating and taking a nap on my lunch hour
6. Time enough for everything
7. Being triggered
8. Collaboration
9. Silliness and fun
10. Connection with friends

Can it be done? YES! Where "it" is anything you can possibly think of or imagine. When I get stuck in that "no that's impossible" mode of limited thinking, I watch something where people are doing something physical that seems impossible. Watch what tricks skateboarders can do. Those high flying bikers. Just watch these 8 year old neighbors of mine on these wave boards, a board with two wheels on swivels!! Unicyclists. Just watch chinese acrobats! Or ANY acrobats! I hear those naysayers in the back of my head saying things like, "well yeah, but it takes lifetime of training and practice 12 hours a day." SO?! IT CAN BE DONE! Anything can be done. Watch what others can do, what others are inspired about, now what was it that you were inspired to do before the naysayers shut you down?

Now what was it that I was inspired to do? I have an application to finish and get out in the mail. And I'm so grateful that anything is possible in this universe. I can create anything, I can ask for help, I can collaborate, I can have a lot of projects going all at once. Life is a multitude of possibilities every moment. That is so cool!

Sharing much love with the universe. That's my 15 minutes.

3-1-10 grateful for today

1. My mom
2. The full moon
3. Cool weather
4. My 15 minute timer
5. All of my emotions
6. Connection and sharing with friends and people
7. Aware of love as a common truth
8. Projections and shadows
9. Trust
10. The unknown

I am in a very great space today. Yesterday I cried a lot. A small loss opened up lots of windows of repressed grief and I feel like I released a lot. I feel lighter and brighter. I am walking around in beauty, around beauty, and as beauty. Life is just great. It sounds like I'm in love. I am. With life and myself and with my friends and family and people. I'm trying not to sound like "cheese" and I just can't help it. *grin*

Okay, grateful of projections and shadows. I am so grateful when I become aware of the projections I'm putting out on people because it leads me to a part of myself that I haven't seen before. I part that I had chosen to be ashamed of and pushed into a corner and then didn't see it again. I know I'm projection when I have emotion and the thought that "that person made me feel this way." That's one of the clues. Like when I hear of a person threatening someone else. "If you don't [whatever], I'm going to [do something to you]." I have anger coming up. (Yes, something happened today and because of confidentiality I am not going to post the details here. You all have your own stories that you can put in the spaces provided. It all works the same). So, I have anger coming up. I am projecting my anger onto that person. My anger does not belong directed at that person. My anger is truly directed at myself and since I don't like that, I project it out. I'm angry with myself because what I saw that other person doing that I disapprove of, I have done and I have not felt good about myself about doing it. So I hid it in the shadow. Being aware takes it out of the shadow and I'm grateful for that.

That's my 15 minutes.

2-28-10 grateful for today

1. Clarity
2. Illumination of my patterns of behavior
3. The full moon
4. Loss and my expression of Grief
5. Forgiveness
6. Mother Earth
7. The sun
8. The stars
9. The universe
10. All that there was, is, and will be

I asked for and received clarity yesterday on a very important relationship to me. That relationship is still very important to me and I'm grateful for the clarity because I'm able to allow the relationship to shift towards it's true nature. Clarity also brought a feeling of loss for me as I realize I will not be able to experience new feelings of romance and excitement with this man. I do celebrate and cherish my experiences and feelings of the possibility of romance with this man. I am grateful for this learning experience. It was good for me. I honor my loss and grief and also honor my new feelings that are forming as this relationship shifts to a good friendship. I celebrate this growth in myself and our relationship.

I'm reading that previous paragraph back and it reads to me as rhetoric, which is not my feeling nor intention behind it. In order to keep the person confidential, I have some learning to do in sharing my feelings while not revealing or betraying the other person in the relationship I'm talking about. Maybe my lesson here is that I don't need to share with other people about my relationships, only share with others my relationship with them and my feelings? Maybe my brain in its attempt to understand what my feelings and spirit already understand falls back on what it knows and how to communicate it.

I am feeling much love with sadness today. This is new for me. It's like I have longed for the feeling I have read about in every beautiful melancholy poem and finally feel it.

That's my 15 minutes.

2-26-10 grateful for today

1. My business coach
2. GarageBand
3. My 15 minute timer
4. Sending out one finished fellowship application
5. Being aware of my self-sabotager and were I need to release that old "not good enough" feeling
6. Love, openness, and trust
7. Noble friends and support
8. My creative abilities
9. My organizational skills
10. Spinach

Yes, I've put on the list my organizational skills. I looked around my house just now and thought to myself "what organizational skills". That's because I was only looking at the piles of stuff that haven't found a place yet. And the stuff that has a place and needs to be organized within that space. A shift in my space needs to happen. I've been talking about a purge for some time now and I believe I'm going to put the "15 minute principle" into effect. Rather than go through and do one big purge (I've done that before and gotten carried away) because a comfortable safe space is important to me, I will go through for 15 minutes on the intent of finding things to purge (I know I have some socks with holes in them). Sometimes I think the 15 minutes doesn't stay ahead of (how do I phrase this) things that need to be done. Whenever I'm thinking like that, I know I haven't had the 15 minute timer out for a couple of days.

Oh, I also looked around my house and saw where I am very organized. My to do bulletin board, which I love. When I use it properly it really does help me with prioritization and my scannerishness when priorities shift around. I have a small bulletin board and 3x5 index cards. One task goes on one index card. The first column is "today" the second column is "tomorrow" and the third column is "upcoming". When the 15 minute timer goes off and I want something else to do, I go to the board and see what's on it. I have a small bin on the wall that holds all of those tasks that are really low priority or just something I want to do when I have free time. When I complete a task, I take the card and put it in my special "accomplishment box" so for those times where I think I don't get anything done, I can open the box and see all of these index cards of things that are complete!

So, I've got to go and make a task card for "purge for 15 minutes" and stick it on the board . . . to do tomorrow!

That's my 15 minutes!

2-25-10 grateful for today

1. Knowing myself
2. Being completely caught up on all my bills
3. Having a financial plan while knowing I am complete and total abundance
4. My adorable dog
5. Opportunities that I can apply myself to
6. My abundant creativity
7. Life and experiences
8. Love, openness, and trust
9. My friends
10. My family

I received my abundance through the channel of my tax refund and I'm grateful that I am caught up and up to date on my bills. I have an affirmation that I've been saying probably only about a month now, back when my brain had no idea how it was going to figure out how to get up to date on everything: I pay all my bills easily on time with love and abundance including [here is where I put a few things that are currently not in my budget]. So, very soon after I started affirming that, I received word that my tax refund was going to be much larger than I expected. Very cool! I open myself to new channels of income.

I am just very grateful to enjoy each day. I'm learning more and more about my true needs and also about "illusionary needs". Things that I think I need and when I really look truthfully at them, it is not what I need. Like watching TV at night. There are some nights where I think I need it. I need to just veg out and watch some mindless TV, I've had a very mentally hard working day. When I stop and take a look at it, most of the time I am using watching TV to avoid doing something that I'm excited and scared about. Like applying to these fellowships. The shoot I had planned for tonight fell through and I suddenly have a free evening that I didn't think I had (abundance? I think so). So, I'm all jazzed about getting home and getting my applications all done and off my plate TONIGHT!! Yeah! Go Baby! I get home, and what do I want to do? Sit and watch TV and tell myself that I still have time. That is my illusion I am selling myself. That is the trap I put myself in. I take full responsibility and I own it. I choose to CHANGE IT NOW!

Life is wonderful!! That's my 15 minutes!

2-24-10 grateful for today

1. My 15 minute timer
2. My creative abilities
3. My job
4. Actively pursuing my career of passion
5. My adorable dog
6. Open to all possibilities
7. Opportunity
8. Love, Openness, and Trust
9. The work that is in front of me now
10. Being present in the moment

My 15 minute timer has another wonderful purpose! Not only does it help me to not get "absent minded professor" on one of my many projects I have going on. It works wonderfully on a motivator for those tasks that I don't want to do, or those that I'm scared of doing. It's a great little jump-start tool. Like tonight, for instance, I need to get my application for this fellowship done. The deadline is looming. I have to write wonderful things about myself, which is pushing the envelope of my comfort zone. I have made great strides in loving myself and knowing that I deserve all good in this universe and that I am a wonderful, talented, intelligent, beautiful woman. Writing something to tell other people is quite new also and therefore a bit uncomfortable for me. I had been avoiding doing it for a few days. My number one excuse: I'm too tired. Well, I got out my handy-dandy 15 minute timer and told myself to focus on it for 15 minutes only. That got me started. I reset the timer three times. The application isn't finished and I have a great start on one of the sections. Yay for me.

There was another application for another fellowship and the deadline for that one is this Friday. That's when it needs to BE there, not postmarked. I've decided to let that one go. I know what I need to do to take care of myself and right now it is to follow though on what I've committed to. The fellowship that I've let go was not one that I committed to. It came to me after I had already committed to applying to the other one. It's the same kind of fellowship and when I heard of it, I thought, okay, since I'm already applying to the other one, I'll do this one too. I don't feel like I was committed to it. This may sound like a lot of excuses to justify my missing the deadline. It may be, I'm still trying to sort out all of these choices and decisions that are all my responsibility. I'm okay with letting it go. I am committed to the other one, which I need to have done . . . oh man, I just looked at the calendar.

I realize I don't like the word deadline. I'm going to change it to goal or goaltime. I will have this application in by the goaltime.

I'm tired and going to bed. Much love to all.

2-23-10 grateful for today

1. My friend back at work with me today
2. Awareness of my comfort zone and stepping out of it
3. Physicalness
4. Being present in this day
5. Celebration
6. Unconditional Love, Openness, and Trust
7. True connection
8. Open structure
9. My creative abilities
10. My new foundation of open to possibilities

I need to stay present in the moment. I have a lot of things in the works that require me to wait for them. For instance, my tax refund, an interview coming up, popular awareness of this blog, a video shoot this week, a second job as a census taker. I have things that need my attention today, and one of my old habits is to visualize and daydream about these upcoming things and what I'm going to do once this comes through or that is offered to me. All that does is rob me of my present moment and each and every moment is precious. I'm not present for the sun coming up, for my dog that just wants to love me in this moment. I'm not present enjoying the breakfast I made for myself, and I'm not present in taking care of myself. The things that I do not need to wait for money to do, clean my bathrooms, vaccuum, pick up my "business planning" and organize it. At work yesterday, I was thinking about the new position I have an interview scheduled for and I lost my motivation to do the job I currently have. That is not the new person I am. I celebrate the work that is in front of me everyday and I am grateful for it.

I am in the present moment with love, openness, and trust.

2-22-10 grateful for today

1. Starting over
2. Abundance
3. Tai Chi/Qi Gong
4. Trees, plants and nature; Mother Earth
5. Open to all possibilities
6. My car running well
7. My adorable dog
8. My family
9. Love, Openness, and Trust
10. My 15 minute timer

I am starting my commitment again, for a few things. I am starting my commitment again to this daily blog. I missed yesterday. I was traveling and out of town and I realize that that is not an excuse. Even if I do not have access to the internet, I have the ability to handwrite out my list and put it up on the blog at a later time. So, I believe I had to miss a day to receive that realization.

I am starting my commitment over to my 40-day prosperity plan. Yesterday would have been day 16. I started to do my meditation last night and realized that I have not once started over any of my 40-day meditation plans. That's good, you tell me! That's an accomplishment, you tell me! I wanted . . . I needed the experience of starting over. I needed to allow myself to make a mistake in this area of what I'm doing. I already tied in doing 40-day Tai Chi in with this 40-day prosperity and I stopped doing the Tai Chi on day 2. So, last night, I'm really tired. I did not do any of my morning rituals because I was traveling, because I was staying over at my Grandpa's house. I realize that I used the excuse of, "I'll have time to do them when I get home tonight" to cover up my shame for having these morning rituals. So, I've learned another valuable lesson. Be myself and do what I NEED to do for my well-being regardless of who I'm going to embarrass. I realize now that I was uncomfortable doing my morning rituals at my Grandpa's because of my new self, my new way of "be-ing" doesn't fit in with the "role" I grew up with. I need to acknowledge my feelings that came up over the weekend and it's practice. Practicing is making mistakes and learning from them. I now know about myself and have learned about myself, that I have morning rituals that ARE very important to me. I NOW accept that about myself. I love and accept my rituals are a part of me.

I share much unconditional love with all the world.

Thanks, that's my 15 minutes.

2-20-10 grateful for today

1. Road Trip!
2. My car running well
3. My Grandpa
4. My Aunt
5. Unconditional love
6. Openness
7. Trust
8. Google maps
9. My adorable dog
10. Forgiveness

I'm on a road trip today to go visit my Grandpa and my Aunt. I'm very excited to go and see them and show off my Didgeridoo that I made. It's early this morning and I still have to pack and get going. It's a 3-4 hour drive. My dog does not like riding in the car. In the past I would not feed him the morning of a trip as he tends to get sick in the car. I didn't like the idea of denying him food this morning when he was very hungry. So, we will see what happens today in the car. I'm up to an adventure (and taking lots of towels with me). I'm not going to take up my full 15 minutes this morning as I'm anxious to get on the road.

Sending much love to all the world.

2-19-10 grateful for today

1. I am total and complete Abundance and Prosperity
2. Forgiveness
3. Dave Ramsey's book The Total Money Makeover
4. My life and all my experiences and feelings
5. My adorable dog.
6. Friends
7. The light that is within every person and every thing
8. Stars
9. Change
10. Following my path at my pace.

I've had a wonderful beautiful day filled with joy and seeing "life changing events" are every moment if I choose them to be. I've had an emotional evening working on forgiveness, my process of forgiveness. I have started my process of forgiveness with a person in my life. I'm not too far along and I know from within that that is okay. I have received insight that forgiveness is taking back my power. Forgiveness changes how I feel about a situation in the present moment. It doesn't erase the situation or erase how I felt at the time the situation occurred. It does not erase nor condone nor ignore nor forget the hurtful behavior of the other person. It only changes how I feel in this present moment. Forgiveness is my choice to be free of the burden of my feelings when it happened. I can choose to continue to carry the feelings of the moment. This happened a very long time ago, and when it happened I was safer to choose to hide my emotions within myself and not express them. I survived by holding my feelings about what happened deep down inside me. I am used to, I am conditioned to, I am comfortable with carrying my emotions forward with me from day to day to day. I realize that I have the choice now to express them AND release them. I feel uncomfortable doing that because that is a new way to process my feelings. I have been practicing with new situations in my life. Feel my feelings, honor them with healthy expression and let them lead me to my next step, my next lesson in growth and let them go with love. I'm learning. I'm practicing. And I will be able to apply these practices to those feelings that I've held for so long.

That's my 15 minutes.

2-18-10 grateful for today

1. Balance
2. Dave Ramsey
3. Abundance
4. Prosperity
5. Knowing I'm ok
6. Generous noble friends
7. My adorable dog
8. Movies!
9. IM chat at work
10. Letting go of "needing"

My good friend dropped of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. She had an over abundance of two of these books and I received this gift from her. Interestingly enough, it was literally two minutes before I had a phone conference appointment with a debt consolidation counseling service. Before all of this, I had to download and fill out the financial worksheets before the debt consolidation counseling session. By filling out there worksheets, which prompted me to go back to my budget spreadsheets that I had been working for myself since 2002, and that I had ignored completely for the last two years. By going back and looking at my spreadsheets and their worksheets, I found that I'm okay. Not spilling over with money, but not drowning in debt either. I'm okay. My budget is simple, it has stayed simple. I know when I work it, I can become debt free. It's hard in the beginning, and as things become paid off, it becomes easier.

I'm so looking forward to working Dave's plan. It's a lot like how I think anyway, and I've been led astray by my own fears and demons of wanting to punish myself. So, I'm already sold on it. Some of the myths he talks about I wonder how people think that way to begin with. Some of the myths I say, oh yeah, I used to think like that and now NEVER AGAIN! One myth I skipped over completely because I never understood leasing a car. I'm very excited about learning and implementing his plan because there are things on there that I've never thought about before, like saving, and retirement, and abundant wealth. So, I'm ready to get down to the nitty gritty and get going!

I am completely and totally the individualized realization of abundance and prosperity!

That's my 15 minutes (for today).