10-30-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing

2. Expressing my feelings openly

3. Chanting

4. Kids and innocence

5. Unconditional love

6. Energy, Spirit, Light

7. Fall, trees, colored leaves, cold weather

8. Honor and Acceptance

9. Loving friends

10. Enjoying every experience

I feel so centered, peaceful, and wonderful. I have lots of opportunities to remind myself to relax and feel the flow and energy of life around me. I am enjoying engaging in the life around me rather than my old habit of standing outside of the flow and watching. I am enjoying being open and showing my open heart and loving and sharing. Every time is a risk and I'm learning to honor that risk and step forward anyway. I am loving today.

Love and Light.

10-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Chinese medicine & acupuncture
4. Chanting & singing
5. Surrender into the Light
6. Unconditional Love
7. Being a part of and engaging in life
8. Endless possibilities in every moment
9. Acceptance and Release
10. Choosing to be free

Every day my breathing becomes clearer and clearer. The pain I'm feeling is the pain of healing. I am healing and everything I experience is to "purpose" me to my higher being. I'm not sure if that last statement makes any sense to anybody else but me. What I'm trying to say instead of "leading" or "forming" or "changing" or "pushing", those words mean a force outside of myself, to me. (Yes, I still have some issues with surrendering). Those words mean forcing me to be something other than what I want. I know that's not the true meaning of those words, its what I've internalized about the experiences around those words for me. So, I chose "purpose". So that I'm reminded that my experiences' purpose is to give me choices to move toward my higher being. Reminding me to engage in life and my experiences and not to just let them roll over me. I'm a bit confused about some aspects of this like surrendering and accepting the experience as it is and knowing that I have a choice of reaction to it, or something like that. I choose healing. I choose my higher being.
Love and Light.

10-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Unconditional love
3. Breathing
4. Relaxation and meditation
5. Water
6. My wonderful creative job
7. My warm snuggly sweater jacket
8. Music and chanting
9. Acceptance
10. Living freely

It is now save for me to take charge of my own life. I choose to be free. That is my affirmation I have been working on (avoiding). It's a wonderful message and concept and it's interesting that I have such avoidance and resistance to it. I need to say it out loud and often. It's on a post it on my computer monitor staring at me all day and it is amazing to me how much I do not see it. Then when I read it, I feel that nagging doubt in the back of me. That voice I thought I released that tells me what a horrible person I am and that I'm not really in charge of anything and should not be. The voice that is mine twisting freedom into a prison and twisting good enjoyable things into somethings to complain about. I don't like that part of me. I don't want that part of me to be around anymore. I choose to be free.
Love and Light.

10-25-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. The woman's monthly visitor
4. My creative abilities and talents
5. Chinese herbs
6. Letting go and relaxing
7. Surrendering into The Light
8. Accepting where and who I am today
9. Knowing I am on a path and I'm moving
10. Unconditional Love

I want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I did not sleep well last night and crawling back into bed does not guarantee that I will be sleeping well. I'm still having trouble breathing. I tried to do an emotional process last night. I feel like my body is filled with gunk, sticky, slimy, balled up gunk that is interfering with my breathing and functioning. I didn't do very well with my process last night. I scared the dog with my yelling and pounding on pillows. I scared myself, too. My plan for today is water. Lots and lots of water. I have the idea that I will loosen everything that is gunking up my body works. We'll see.
Love and Light.

10-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Being heard
4. Unconditional Love
5. Spirituality
6. Music and chanting
7. Silence
8. Accepting
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Cool breezes

I usually find time to do this blog in my morning routine at work. It really helps me to remind me how wonderful a job I have and to be grateful that I am paid for my creativity every day. This morning was more trying than usual and when I started making this list my fuse was short and my frustration was high. I pretty much was forcing this list. Making myself put things on it until I got to "Accepting". Then I felt everything lift off my shoulders. I accepted what today is and how it is and the people I work with. I accepted my emotions and hurt that triggered my frustration defense. And I relaxed more into my day. The day is half over already and I am grateful for the projects I have and love being creative.
Love and Light.

10-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Cool weather and warm blankets
3. My wonderful job
4. Music
5. Breathing
6. Honoring my frustration and anger
7. Taking risks
8. My creative talents and abilities
9. A short day at work
10. Life and The Mysteries

I am angry and frustrated. I work at a cable TV provider and there is a TV hooked up and on in every room in the building. I share my office with one other person and he always has it on. I can't stand the constant babble and noise and distraction from the box. I have my headphones on listening to music. Also, I have been trying to submit a claim to my health insurance since August and still having problems, I have sent it in 3 times and I wait for it to process and then I ask and they say they never received it. Do I need a lawyer to submit a claim to my insurance? I miss all those years when I didn't have health insurance at all. I just paid it all myself, so much simpler. I'm almost to the point that the aggravation of submitting a claim to get reimburse is not worth the reimbursement.
I'm learning to flow with my anger. A lot of the time I try to resist it, which makes me more angry. When I acknowledge and flow with my anger, I feel like I'm less likely to project it out sideways to an innocent bystander.
Love and Light.

10-20-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. The great mechanics at North Springs Japanese Car Care
3. Chinese herbs
4. Breathing becoming clearer
5. Wonderful cool weather
6. My creativity, talents and abilities
7. Flowing with and honoring all my emotions
8. Surrender Into The Light
9. Love and Acceptance
10. My wonderful job.

I had acupuncture last night to help with my breathing and its amazing to me that when I think things are connected together, like my breathing difficulty (asthma) and pain in my shoulder muscles, chinese medicine confirms what I feel, while western medicine only looks at the one thing, my lungs. Chinese medicine takes into account emotions, changes in activity, mood, sleep patterns, everything to see what the cause is from a big picture. My acupuncturist agrees with me that a lot of my physical ailments are caused from burying my childhood trauma deeply throughout my body. This also relates to my difficulty of practicing my Tai Chi daily. Even though I love doing the Tai Chi and feel that my soul calls me to do this practice, the Tai Chi loosens up all of these places where I've buried trauma.
Love and Light.

10-19-11 grateful for today

1. A blustery rainy day
2. My adorable dog
3. Sleeping well
4. My creativity, talents and abilities
5. Cooler weather coming
6. Unconditional Love
7. Mastermind
8. Openness
9. Breathing
10. Acupuncture

We have a blustery rainy day preceding the first real cold front gracing South Florida tonight. I'm looking forward to it. It will be a chilly 65 degrees. I know for a northern girl that's not chilly at all. I've been in perpetual summer for so long that I'll have a couple of blankets over me tonight and I'll definitely have the windows open. I'm very grateful that I slept well last night. I have been having lots of trouble getting to sleep and staying to sleep and it has effected my co-workers and friends as I have been short-tempered. I'm looking forward to today, my work and acupuncture after work. I'm grateful for breathing because it has been difficult for me for the past two months. Every day I'm getting better and better.
Love and Light.

10-18-11 grateful for today

1. My creative talents and abilities
2. My adorable dog
3. Snoozing
4. My wonderfully creative job
5. Working as a team
6. Calmness and relaxation
7. Chanting and Music
8. Tai Chi
9. Responsibility
10. Unconditional Love

Back around 2002 I was the happiest person laid off from my job at the time. I was burnt out working 60-70 hour weeks. I was making a lot of money that I had no time to spend. So, when I was laid off and cashing out of stock options and other things, I had enough money to not need a job for 2 years. I loved that time. I felt as if I had no responsibilities. I worked on things that I enjoyed and felt free of other people's expectations and ideas of performance. I wrote a novel, volunteered working as a PA on movies and shoots, and other projects as I felt an interest tugging me in one direction or another. It was wonderful and I felt free of responsibility. And the money ran out and I needed to get a job again. And I'm doing great now, I have a job working as a video producer/editor and I love it. I feel the pressure of responsibility, of other's expectations and ideas of performance. I was wondering how do I feel free within responsibility? I guess I haven't reconciled or embraced the idea that this company is paying me to BE ME. Every other job I've had in my life I've had to work at tasks that were not me. Now I'm being paid by others to be the person I am. To be that person I was when I had no job. And it feels a little weird.
Love and Light.

10-17-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Creativity
3. The homeless man on the corner
4. All my experiences over the weekend
5. Surrender Into The Light
6. Unconditional love
7. Connection
8. Chanting and music
9. Flexibility and freedom
10. My house a little bit clean

When I drive to work, at a particular corner, there is sometimes a homeless man. He's not there every day. When he is, he walks down the line of cars at the stop light looking for donations for the Homeless Voice, a homeless advocacy group. He smiles and waves at the drivers and sometimes stops when a drive drops some money into his bucket. When he sees me he stops and gives me a warm smile, puts his free hand on his heart and slightly tips his head in a nod. From my car seat, I do something similar. I feel as if we have saluted and I always smile and feel better. I want to say thank you to that man for being him. Several mornings when I'm struggling with life and meaning and purpose, struggling to just get through the day. His salute, even though it's a small movement, is huge meaning to me.
I haven't seen him lately, and I want to stop and thank him and shake his hand. I feel afraid to tell him. And I have allowed my fear of being vulnerable to stop me from thanking him. I am grateful for this homeless man who has touched my heart.
Love and Light.

10-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My creativity and talent
3. Thebrain.com
4. A friend coming over tonight
5. Acceptance
6. Organization
7. Responsibility
8. Love and Light
9. Breathing
10. Joy

I have yet to put any food or anything to do with food on my grateful list. I do like Chinese food and have been having fun learning to cook in a wok. I like using chopsticks (I have to pay attention to my food more). I've had lots of issues with eating and food in the past. I'm getting better. I had a nectarine today and it was delicious. I allowed myself to taste it and savor it. Something I would never do in the past because I had attached eating with some traumatic things. It's kind of odd to me to never put food on my grateful list because I grew up Christian and we thanked god for the food at every dinner. Well, maybe not odd because as a kid I was reciting back what I had been taught and there was no feeling or meaning behind the words back then. Eventually I believe I will get back around for being grateful for my food. Right now its hard for me to deal with.
Love and Light.

10-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping well and deeply
3. Creativity
4. Help and support
5. Breathing
6. My wonderful creative free job
7. Learning new things
8. Openness
9. Courage
10. Unconditional Love.

I slept well last night. Oddly I woke up and all my muscles were tight and I was having difficulty breathing. I am grateful for my courage to walk through the pain of letting go and releasing physically and emotionally. Using the tools of Tai Chi, meditation, chanting, release work, therapy, breath work, journaling, and sharing, I gratefully release my tight grip covering my wounds and allow The Light to reach my wounds and heal them. The pain I'm feeling is the pain of healing.
Love and Light.

10-12-11 grateful for today

1. Breathing
2. My adorable dog
3. Support and Love from friends
4. Being held in The Light
5. Freedom
6. Trust and belief in me
7. Music
8. Meditation
9. Happy Hour
10. Peace


I had an intense session yesterday with my mental health counselor (therapist). I have had this tightness around my middle and trouble with breathing since 8/29/11. We worked yesterday and I am breathing easier today. I feel free and open. Another step from freeing myself from my traumatic past. Another step closer to the grace of surrender. I resist surrender and I understand a piece of that now. Surrender, my current definition, is acceptance of what is happening now and acceptance of what I can and cannot do to change it/control it. And with my past of being 4 years old and I had no power, unable to do anything about the abuse happening to me. All I could do was surrender. Even as an adult, with perspective and reclaiming my power, it is very hard for me to see the grace in surrender. I understand why I had been fighting so hard against the flow of my life. I'm in the flow today. Calm and gentle with myself.
Love and Light.

10-11-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful job
3. Therapy session today
4. Trust and Faith
5. Creativity
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Chanting & music
8. Play
9. Acceptance
10. Unconditional Love

When I can't think of anything else to put on my list, I put Unconditional Love on it. Some things on my list are what I'm feeling grateful for at this moment. Other things are reminders of what I want to be grateful for. When I'm grateful for them, I let them into my life. Because when I forget about them, they politely knock on the door and wait patiently, while my shadows crash through the door and start a ruckus yelling at me. Shadows like doubt, unworthiness, and shame. I need to remember to invite gratitude in and inhabit it. And even being grateful for my shadows so that I can see them and in knowing them, knowing their opposites and inviting them in. I invite the world into my life today.
Love and Light.

10-10-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Music
4. Learning
5. Openness/opening/loosening
6. All my emotions
7. Personal growth steps I have taken
8. Creativity
9. Unconditional love
10. Courage

"Just get over it!" "Let it go already!" "Look at it this way." "It happened a long time ago, you're not there anymore!" Words and phrases that our culture deem "helpful". Words and phrases that, for me, make me feel alone and having to walk through pain all by myself. Yes, trauma happened to me a long time ago. I was unable to feel it or deal with it then because I was so young. Dealing with it now, feels like it is happening for the first time. I was alone then. I don't want to feel alone now. I would like to hear "I'm here with you." "I see your pain." "I hear your grief and hurt." I need to walk into those traumatic feelings fully to let them go. I have a hard time doing this all by myself. I have a hard time asking for help. Things for me to work on this week.
Love and Light.

10-9-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Quakers
4. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin
5. Connecting with love
6. Movies
7. Shower
8. My own life
9. Responsibility
10. Loosening my tight grip

I was surprised today when I was telling a new friend that I finally started to feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm starting to feel okay with how I am and who I am. I love watching movies. I used to think this was an "all or nothing" thing about me. The only way to balance watching movies and getting necessities done, or other projects done was to stop watching movies altogether. Or give myself small morsels over long time periods (maddening to me). So, I was okay with watching a movie as I did my laundry and cleaned my kitchen. I was also okay with missing part of the movie as I had to leave the room to accomplish a task. That one was a lot harder, to leave the movie in the middle of it. I'm learning that visuals, (movies, videos, art) play an important role in communication. Words aren't going to convey everything that needs to be heard about something. I'm loosening my tight grip on being afraid of hurting, on being afraid I might miss something, on being afraid of proving that I'm not worth anything when I'm trying so hard to believe that I'm worth everything.
Love and Light.

10-8-11 grateful for today

1. Rainy blustery weather
2. My adorable dog
3. Tai Chi
4. Slowly loosening up to let go
5. Naps
6. My own pace
7. Abundance
8. Office supplies
9. Garbage service
10. Being okay with me

Today is a rainy blustery windy day. One that I feel totally relaxed and energized at the same time. At Tai Chi today, the concrete that have been my shoulders loosened up and cracks have appeared. It's painful when muscles that are in the habit of being tense 24 hours a day for decades loosen up. The cracks grind against each other when I move, causing more pain. And the cracks let the light in. You know that pain in your eyes you feel when coming out of a dark movie theater into bright sunlight after a matinee show? My shoulders feel like that, the pain of the light being let in after so many years of darkness. And emotions buried in there are coming out. I felt sadness and fear and hurt as I let go and released my stranglehold on where I buried my emotions. Things are coming up. I'm grateful for garbage service because this physical emotional holding on within me, was projected out into my space and my 1 bedroom condo is slowly starting to look like one of those places on that "Hoarders" show. I am going to be filling garbage bags. I hurt a lot when I let go, and that's the only way I will then be free to feel joy.
Love and Light.

10-7-11 grateful for today

1. Feeling weight in my chest
2. My adorable dog
3. My car running well
4. Abundance
5. Creativity
6. Working as a team
7. Acceptance of today
8. Experiencing life
9. Receiving love
10. Endless possibilities in every moment

It must seem strange to others that I am grateful to feel weight in my chest. I believe in an emotional and physical connection. I also believe that a lot of the traumatic emotions of my childhood that I was not able to express because I was not allowed or that it was way too much for me to survive as a child, those emotions became stored within my body and became chronic ailments. I had to hold on tightly, tense muscles, to not feel them. I have been feeling a tightness around my chest for weeks and this morning I felt my tightness, my holding on, loosen and started to feel the weight of what is buried in my chest. I feel this is a small step to release whatever is in there. I'm not going to label or name it until I can see clearly what it is. There is a difference between labeling something and naming it. When I label something, I try and take something and stuff it into a box that it doesn't quite fit. This could be an experience or a person. And when it is stuffed in the box, I can only see one side. I can't see its true shape or all of what it is. When I name something, I honor and respect the something. It doesn't matter what the name is, it is only important that I do name it. And the name is important that it encompasses all that that person or experience or whatever is. I name the truth of it. I finally get that now. I realize now how many times I took a name and within my head, changed it to a label, dishonoring whatever it truly is. I name The Light for myself.
Love and Light.

10-6-11 grateful for today

1. Sleeping
2. My Brain (thebrain.com)
3. Chanting & music
4. My adorable dog
5. Learning
6. Relaxing
7. My wonderful free creative job
8. Breathing
9. Kleenex tissues
10. Unconditional Love

This week, I've downloaded and been playing with PersonalBrain from thebrain.com. This has become a lesson for me about holding grudges and how forgiveness is for me to live and stop suffering. I've known about thebrain.com since 1998, I was drawn to it and fascinated by it, but I never downloaded the free program, because I was holding onto a grudge. The person that showed me thebrain back in 1998 was my manager at the time and back then I admit to hating him. I was determined back then to not like anything that he liked. Even though I knew then that thebrain was a wonderful way for me to see how my brain worked. I denied something that was free and useful from myself because of a grudge I held against this man. And I haven't worked with this man or even seen him since 2001. Here it is 10 plus years later and I'm finally using the program that has gotten me organized in two days, because of me not forgiving, of holding onto something that hurt me. And yes, getting the program brought back up all the emotions and hate and frustration that I had projected out onto this man that I had buried deep inside me. And I see now that it wasn't even him, it was all my own issues and baggage and emotions about myself that was spewing out sideways at other people. It wasn't him, it was me that was the problem. I had 11 different managers in 5 years at that job. I was incredibly talented and good at what I did, but I was an emotional train wreck that the corporate world didn't know what to do with. And now I have my Personal Brain and I love it. I forgive myself and ask forgiveness from my old manager and thank him for showing me thebrain.
Love and Light.

10-5-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Gathering of my friends
5. Drumming
6. A quiet morning alone at work
7. Breathing
8. Sleeping
9. Going at my own pace
10. Unconditional love

I was debating putting "Having a snooze button" on my grateful list. I use my snooze button way too much in the morning, to where my plan of having a relaxing slow morning goes out the window. I'm sure the snooze button was invented for people that are truly trying to get up when the alarm goes off, and as they are sitting there trying to gather their consciousness together to get up, unknowingly slip back into slumber. For me, it's become a habit to plan in "snooze time" for when I set my alarm, because I'm going to hit it 5 or more times before I actually get up. There are many days that I resent the alarm clock. I feel so much better when I wake up naturally without anything jolting me out of my sleep. When I ran my own business, it was great because I didn't have any set office hours, I woke up when I wanted. I felt my best those years. I have all the tricks to get my up during the first alarm. My alarm is placed away from my bed so I actually have to get out of bed and walk over to it to snooze it. This worked for a few weeks, and now I'm very well capable to get out of bed, snooze, and go back to bed and instantly asleep. I started making myself go into the living room . . . where I promptly fall back asleep on the couch. My dog doesn't try to get me up anymore with the alarm, he's getting older, so he's learned he can stay in bed and sleep more than me. Here's to shifting the business model to allow for natural awakenings.
Love and Light.

10-4-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Lunch with friends
3. Sleeping well
4. Chanting and singing
5. My wonderful creative job
6. Choices and responsibility
7. My warm comfortable jacket
8. Writing
9. Relaxation
10. Time

I'm feeling calm and mellow today. I keep catching my muscles tensing up, around my eyes, around my shoulders, my stomach, my thighs. I catch the tensness and try to relax it. Catching it again and trying to relax it. Sometimes relaxing feels very strange, almost sickly. I intend to be relaxed today.
Love and Light.

10-3-11 grateful for today

1. Music
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderful creative fun job
4. My car running well
5. Unconditional love and light
6. Choices and experiences
7. Dreams
8. Creativity
9. My hands
10. Breathing

I am in a calm, creative, happy space today. It's October and I have a long vacation coming at the end of this month that I'm excited for. Fall is my favorite season of the year, and there really isn't one down here in Florida. So I'm excited to be travelling north to see the leaves change and feel the coolness in the air and carve pumpkins and go for a hay ride. I'm a northern girl and always will be. Today I have been reorganizing my tasks and projects at home and at work, and approaching them with new perspectives and looking for new ways to see everything. Here's to change.
Love and Light.

10-2-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Camping
4. Sun, moon, stars, trees, racoons, cardinels, woodpeckers, deer, cool breezes
5. Slowing down
6. My tent
7. Fire
8. Letting go
9. Shower and shampoo and soap
10. Unconditional love

I just got back home from camping. Wonderful! Even though I grabbed my old shoes (didn't want to get my new ones dirty) and shortly into the camping trip both of the soles came off. They were so old the glue disintegrated, I guess. I spent a lot of the trip tying my shoes with twine trying to keep my soles together. I didn't do much hiking. I had a great time, out in nature and sun and moon the whole time. I'm tired and sore and proud of myself. This is the first time that I put my stuff all away as I unpacked the car. I used to dump it in a pile in the living room where it would sit for weeks until I "got around to" putting it away. I was really tired and sore, but I pushed through and put my stuff away and I'm happy now.
Love and Light.