9-30-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Camping
3. My car running well
4. Sky, Earth, Sun, Moon, Stars, Water, Fire
5. Chanting and music
6. The quiet of nature
7. Breath
8. Life
9. My job doing what I love: create
10. Choices

A couple of days ago when I was in a self-hating mode, it was suggested to me to have compassion for myself. I thought that was odd. Compassion is what one has for another person. How would I have compassion for myself? My definition of compassion at this moment is feeling the pain another person is feeling with gentleness and tenderness. I am not experiencing their pain, I am sort of feeling it through them and sending gentleness and tenderness and love to soothe their wound. I'm not too sure of my definition and its hard to put into words this feeling of compassion. So, feeling compassion for myself is odd because I'm the one feeling the pain, sharply and fully. I do need to be more gentle and tender with myself. And loving. That's what I'll focus on.
Love and Light.

9-29-11 grateful for today

1. Chanting
2. My adorable dog
3. Rush (yes, the rock band)
4. Music
5. Affirmations
6. My creative wonderfully freedom filled job
7. Responsibility
8. Connecting with friends
9. Life and experiences
10. All my emotions being honored and expressed

I've been having trouble breathing for the past few weeks. I believe in mind, body, spirit connection and definitely in my emotions displaying in physical discomfort. Especially when I don't know that I have emotions buried. So many of my emotions I was not safe to express as a child became buried in different places in my body. Currently I have tightness around my chest and a knot in the middle of my back. I know relaxing this area physically will release the pain that is in there and that is hard. Have you ever held a fist as tight as you can for a minute or more and then tried to open your fingers slowly? It hurts and the muscles react weirdly and jumpy. What I'm trying to say is that I know what I need to do to releive this suffering of trouble breathing, and I'm scared to take those steps because of the pain that is buried. Breathing is also the Breath of Life. Taking deep breaths is taking life in fully. I am resisting taking charge of my own life. I'm okay at this moment.
Love and Light.

9-28-11 grateful for today

1. Awareness
2. My adorable dog
3. Unconditional love
4. Compassion
5. All my emotions expressed and honored
6. Seeing a new level of truth
7. Music and chanting
8. My car running well
9. My wonderfully creative job in my passion
10. Myself

I am grateful for myself today. All of me. All my emotions, happiness, joy, pain, suffering, etc. I am grateful for the parts of me that love unconditionally, that hate indiscriminately, that embrace in order to let go, that hold on to drag me into darkness. Some parts of me have grown and other parts have transformed, and other parts I haven't even uncovered yet. I trust in myself. My love and light that is the core of me and that can embrace and love all of me. I have faith that my core, love and light, is most of me. I trust in me today.
Love and Light.

9-27-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping with the windows open
3. Creative Fun job
4. Therapy appointment today
5. Breathing
6. New bra
7. Financially stable
8. Unconditional love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Choosing

I'm not feeling well today. I've been having trouble breathing for a few weeks now. I'm looking forward to transforming this trouble breathing into feeling free and breathing freely. I believe that this is linked to my emotional state and I'm holding onto an old emotion/behavior/belief that no longer serves me and causes me this stress and tightness. I'm okay.
Love and Light.

9-26-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Working in an environment of love and caring
3. I'm okay exactly where and who I am
4. Energy flow
5. Creative fun
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Responsibility
8. Choices
9. Acceptance
10. Unconditional love

Driving into work this morning, I had an epiphany. I had spent the weekend mainly on the couch watching movies wallowing in my mild cold. I realized that way back in the back of my head, there is a part of me that was "beating myself up" over lazing around all weekend and not getting some projects done. This is my old pattern. And then I had an epiphany, I'm okay. I'm okay wallowing in a weekend. I'm okay driving to work. I'm okay, I am me and this is me, this is who I was over the weekend and this is who I am now. I'm okay. Another step to accepting me as I am. Does this mean that I'm going to always ignore taking care of myself and drown myself in other people's stories? No. I'm okay with who I am today and tomorrow I don't have to be the same. If I am, okay. If I'm different, okay.
Love and Light.

9-25-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Quaker meeting
3. Unconditional love
4. Water
5. Naps
6. Insight/Inner wisdom
7. Listening
8. Chanting
9. Leaves trembling when feeling the wind
10. Tigers

I had trouble coming up with 10 things today. I was sitting on number 10 for a while and an idea came to me. It wasn't listed. I was unable to list it on my grateful list. And this idea has brought tears to my eyes. In video editing, a moment in footage where you want to change the action in editing is called a "key frame". Like you have a graphic zooming in from the side and the moment you want to stop it in the center, you have to put a "key frame" in to change the action. There are times when I know I'm at a big step in my life, a key frame. If I decide to put a key frame in, I will change the motion that my life is going. This idea for number 10 is like that, I thought about putting "I am grateful for myself", and I was unable to do it . . . . today.
Love and Light.

9-24-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Tai Chi class
3. A beautiful long hug from someone I've missed
4. Friends getting together
5. Thunderstorms
6. Resting
7. Seeing myself as I really am
8. Acceptance
9. Forgiveness
10. Willingness to transform

I've been sick with a cold, a mild one. Yet, I was quick to jump on the old habit and belief system that no longer serves me that since I'm sick I get to disconnect from the world, from myself, from any responsibility in my self care. I've obviously done a bad job caring for myself so I can give up for a while. It's like I stepped in quicksand and instead of grabbing onto the branches of self care right there, I decide to see how far down the sand trap goes. I've already stepped in it, so why not? 8 hours of movie watching a day is not self care. I see myself as I really am and also see my "want" to change as just that . . . a want. Not a desire, not a need. The last four on my list go together. Kind of like steps to healing. I'm seeing myself as I really am, now to accept myself and unconditionally love myself. That's the step I'm on now. I try to skip over steps, jump right over Acceptance and Forgiveness and I try to force myself to transform. I try to make myself change when I'm not ready because Acceptance and Forgiveness are very hard.
Love and Light

9-23-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Able to have a calm day at work
3. Learning new things
4. Sleeping in
5. DayQuil
6. Water
7. My warm comfy jacket
8. Sunshine
9. Music
10. Unconditional Love

I'm sick with a cold and at work as I ran out of sick days. I'm feeling better than yesterday and it's good for me to get out of the house. I get to leave early today to make up for a late day earlier this week. I did not make it to Drum Circle last night. I was in bed and sleeping early and that helped. My body needed rest. Life is interesting and friends and people who care about me have a lot of different advices . . . . I know they care and support me, and my inner guide is the one I listened to. Today, I stay calm and gentle and then it's the weekend.
Love and Light.

9-22-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Healing
3. Sleeping
4. Movies
5. Drum Circle
6. Hot tea
7. Being gentle with me
8. A day off
9. Unconditional love
10. Taking care of me

I stayed home sick from work today. I have a cold. I've been feeling 'off' all week and thought it was emotions. Now I have a cold . . . . so it's definitely emotions. I've been sleeping and resting all day. I have a drum circle tonight that is very special to me and only meets once a month. I want the spiritual rejuvenation I receive from this drum circle. I'm feeling very crappy physically right now and it seems like an awfully big job to get dressed and drive a half hour to it. And the Star Wars movies are calling to me to watch them.
I was laying on the couch and I was feeling better. I got up and moved around to get ready to go and I feel worse. Now I'm sitting here at the computer and I feel better. I went on got my tea and I feel worse. I do this pattern a lot. I know the thing to do that will help me be better, to heal, to feel good about myself, and I make it the harder thing for me to do. I make it a struggle and effort to do that good thing. I can make it the easy excited thing for me to do, "Yay! I'm going to Drum Circle to feel better, to feel healing, how wonderful!" And yet, I sit here and debate if I'm going to go at all because I have a cold. My brain jumps in to try to reason it out. "If I go, I might make other people sick. On the other hand, you're already going to miss next month by being out of town. On the other hand, you might be to weak to drum. On the other hand, you will feel all that good energy. On the other hand, you might be sick because you are full of bad energy." My brain is great at analyzing, but sometimes I need it to listen to my heart.
Love and Light.

9-21-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping through the night
3. Breathing
4. Unconditional love
5. Letting go
6. Cleaning and healing
7. Happy Hour
8. My creatively free job
9. Clear communication
10. Endless possibilities

I'm having trouble breathing today. My chest is very tight. I struggle to take a deep breath. Which probably means I'm struggling to let go of something. I'm cleaning out and letting go that which no longer serves me. And I'm resisting it. It's hard to let go of beliefs and things that have been in my life for so long. I'm afraid of emptiness. I'm afraid of having nothing left. What I am making is space. Space within myself. Space within my home. Space to be free to fully express and be who I truly am, not be these things and beliefs I've accumulated from others. It's hard. It's new. It's change.
Love and Light.

9-20-11 grateful for today

1. Trees, the Name Tree
2. My adorable dog
3. My free creative job
4. Endless Possibilities
5. Exercising
6. Water
7. Gentleness
8. Forgiveness
9. The present moment
10. Courage

When I was young my family went to a camping resort place several times during the summer. At this place was a huge old oak tree. It's trunk was so big three adults were needed to hold hands around it. It's branches spread up out and around and grew so long that the ones on the bottom spread out and touched the ground again 20 feet away from it's trunk. It was called the Name Tree becuase it was hard to find any inch of the tree where someone hadn't already carved their name into it. It was easy to climb and a lot of the kids would be in the tree for most of the day. You could literally walk up a branch from the ground into the tree. A popular game was Tree Tag. Yes, it was high speed chases through the branches looking like a bunch of monkeys. The only rule was that you couldn't touch the ground. I was too scared to go too far up or around the tree. There was a long thick branch wider around than a person and at the far end of that branch it split into 5 more branches, and this place where it split and grew looked very much like a hand. That's where I loved to sit, in the Hand of the Name Tree. I would watch those zipping through the tree playing tag, leaping, grabbing, climbing, and I learned by watching the paths through the tree. The kids would use the same paths going up and around, knowing if they walked far enough out on this branch, it would bend and connect to that branch and another path. I still know the paths, I would run through them in my mind, but never physically, I was always too scared. The sacred symbol I choose to represent my heart is this Name Tree. And I'm now aware that there are paths through my heart. Paths that are begging me to climb and explore and know that the more paths I take in my heart, the deeper into my heart I will go. Now to let go of fear and move.
Love and Light.

9-19-11 grateful for today

1. Walking in the rain this morning
2. My adorable dog
3. My wonderfully creative job
4. Endless opportunities in every moment
5. My warm jacket
6. Music
7. Beginning again
8. Change and Transformation
9. Unconditional Love
10. Learning new things.

I was walking my dog early this morning and there was a surprise downpour and I loved walking in the rain. I was soaking wet. I very much wanted to go home and wrap myself in a warm blanket and relax and sit quietly today. And here I am at work, making a to do list and motivating myself. Amazing that I have a job doing video production that I love and I put my focus on the tasks that I don't like to do . . . old habit. I need balance between those tasks I love to do and those that I don't.
Love and Light.

9-18-11 grateful for today

1. Quaker Meeting
2. Heating pad
3. My adorable dog
4. My car running well
5. Beautiful clouds
6. All my emotions and expressing them
7. Fishing
8. Unconditional love
9. Gentleness
10. Beginning again

I need my grateful list today. I woke up this morning (well, several times during the night) with back soreness and put my heating pad on my back. In the past only my lower back is sore, lately my entire back is sore. I use my sore back as an excuse to be in a bad mood today. Basically, I believe that I stored unexpressed emotion (buried emotions) in my body in different places. And then tightened defenses around those buried emotions (tight muscles) and then disconnected from those places so I wouldn't feel. And I have my back in the middle upper back loosening up, and my emotions are coming out, tears and sadness, hurt and grief. I carried a lot on my back as a kid and I'm tired of carrying it. Letting go feels very uncomfortable and scary, what will protect me if I let go of carrying things in my back. Who's got my back? Interesting question because I believed nobody but myself "got my back" as a kid. Another lesson in trust for me.
Love and Light.

9-16-11 grateful for today

1. Waking up rested without an alarm
2. My adorable dog
3. Heating pad
4. Nothing planned after work, an evening to myself
5. Gentleness
6. All my emotions
7. Loosening my grip on hard things to let go of
8. My car running well
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Music

I feel so relaxed and flowing this morning. I know a lot of it has to do with not being jangled awake by an alarm. I have switched my alarm to a more calming wake up noise. Still I have been reacting crankily to being forced awake rather than waking up naturally. Other physical things I've changed is that the past two days I have not exercised. I have been trying to do forty consecutive days of exercising 30 minutes every day. I make it to about day 8 or 9 and then I have to fight myself to keep going. I decided not to exercise yesterday or today because of my tiredness and soreness appearing in my back. I feel much better today. I am being gentle with myself and my decisions. I am going to start up my 40 day goal tomorrow. I realize that I have not been eating healthy either and I need to balance that with my other healthy changes. Be gentle with myself and know that transitions are uncomfortable.
Love and Light.

9-15-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. My wonderfully creative job
4. Deep release of cries and hurts and grief
5. Endless possibilities in every moment
6. Sun warmth and healing
7. Cleansing rain
8. Chanting
9. Unconditional love
10. Happy Hour


I put Happy Hour on my list yesterday and then later in the day my therapy appointment was moved from today to yesterday. So, Happy Hour is on my list today. To clarify, Happy Hour is where I meet my friend at a coffee place and we are happy to see each other and chat for an hour or so. That will be after work. I'm feeling mellow today. I sobbed and cried a lot last night and felt much release. I was going to say I feel at peace, however that doesn't resonate as true. A part of me was revealed to me yesterday and I learned recently how to embrace and dissolve this part that is so quick to hate. Since it's new for me to embrace and love this part of me and forgive myself, I've been experiencing resistance and struggle in doing so. I am gentle with myself and do my best.
Love and Light.

9-14-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Breath, qi
4. My creative job
5. Listening to my heart
6. My own pace
7. Unconditional Love
8. All my emotions
9. Happy Hour
10. Receiving help

If I try to define an experience at the beginning, I limit the possibilities of what it could grow into. If I let go and let the experience be what it is and grow into the possibilities of what it's meant to be, when it's grown I honor it by naming it.
This statement and or guideline is important to me. It's a recent insight and interestingly, my insight grew because I didn't even define this right when it was first forming. I was out with a man that invited me to dinner. I was in my head struggling with defining what the evening was, was it a date? were we just friends? and my brain was twirling away. I finally let go and decided not to define it and experience whatever it was letting my heart lead me. I had the conclusion that nothing needs to be defined, only experienced. And then later talking to my brother about his marriage, I was wondering if we are so free not to define anything, how would one get to the point of marriage, a sacred ritual of committment to one another? And there is when the idea grew and I could see experience as a life of it's own. Experiences have a beginning and a growth to them and to name things is to honor them. And naming is different than defining, my understanding anyway. To name something is to see it and everything about it as it is and name its truth. To define something is to map out the parameters and most of the time only seeing one perspective at a time.
Love and Light.

9-13-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. Therapy session
3. Openness
4. Endless possibilities
5. Leaving work early
6. My wonderfully creative job
7. Breathing
8. Gentleness
9. Paper and pens and pencils
10. Meditation

I'm exhausted. My dog decided to chase something around the house last night, all night until I put him in his crate. I am being gentle with myself today. I feel like I'm suffering from insomnia, however I am getting some sleep every night. I used to think that insomnia would be great and I would have so much more time to accomplish and do things. The opposite is true. I find it hard to function and simple mindless tasks seem to take more effort than normal. I'm glad I'm leaving work early today so that I can rest.
Love and Light.

9-12-11 grateful for today

1. Full moon
2. My adorable dog
3. Music and chanting
4. Gaurdian Angels
5. Unconditional love
6. Breath, qi
7. Sleeping
8. Flowing with the moment
9. Help
10. A long day at work

I see that I have a hard time remembering to do this list on the weekends. I also find that I am more depressed or down on myself on the weekends. Well, it goes more up and down for me because I have my Tai Chi class on Saturday and my Quaker meeting on Sunday . . . after those, when I'm by myself in my condo, then my shadows come whispering in my ear. I did have a vision during Quaker meeting of myself hugging my adult self as I am now. That was a first. I have been hugging my inner child or a vision of myself as a child, healing what happened to me so long ago. This was the first time that I felt loving towards myself as I am now. Tears came and I felt some relief . . . some lifting of burden. I am not a burden to myself or others. I am joy and love.
Love and Light.

9-9-11 grateful for today

1. Awareness
2. My adorable dog
3. My creative job
4. All my emotions
5. Sleeping
6. Human connection
7. Life experiences
8. Forgiveness
9. Unconditional love
10. Receiving

This week has been an emotional one in large waves. I used to say an emotional rollercoaster and I realized that that phrase instills more panic and fear in me about my emotions. Waves for me imply more flowing with them and feeling through them. Sometimes when playing in large waves in the ocean, I come out of the water feeling like I have been thrown around a bit, and there's some effort on my part to break the surface to the air or keep my feet on the ground. The easiest way is to let go and flow with the waves and only fighting when I'm taken under. So this week has been full of joy, peace, and hurt, struggle, and excitement, hope, and grief, sadness. Right now I feel like I'm going under. I trust I will flow to calm and find my feet on the ground.
Love and Light.

9-7-11 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2. My mental health counselor
3. Seeing my shadows
4. Feeling all my emotions
5. My car running well
6. Chanting
7. Creativity
8. Friends and connection
9. Unconditional Love
10. Flowing with life

Every person on the planet could use a little therapy. Yes I see a mental health counselor. She has helped me as a guide to see deeper into myself. I put in my list that I'm grateful for flowing with life. I felt flowing with life yesterday. Today I feel resistance. Resistance to trusting the flow, to trusting my process, to trusting my own processes and ability. I almost put "Resistance" on my grateful list rather than "Flowing". Resistance now tells me that I'm at the beginning of a big shift within myself, a transformation. I fall quickly back into that comfort of resisting new ideas, of resisting seeing my "shadows", parts of me that are dark and hidden. Flowing right now would look like me crying hard and loud, releasing sadness of what will never be and embracing and trusting my own truth. Trust.
Love and Light.

9-5-11 grateful for today

1. Day off from work

2. My adorable dog

3. Hanging out and sharing with friends

4. Openness and trust

5. Doing what I want all day

6. Responsibility for my actions

7. Unconditional love

8. Movies

9. Chanting

10. Time

I watched movies today. Three movies. I started the day with a movie, went to a movie with a friend and ended the day with a movie. On Friday I had Projects planned for the three day weekend. I was going to be Productive! I was going to Organize myself. I was going to Catch Up. I ended up sharing myself with friends and receiving their sharing and love. I like that. I enjoy that. The rest of the time when I was at home . . . . well, movies. For a long time, especially as a child, movies and tv shows were my friends. They were my escape from what was happening to me where I was too little and powerless to do anything. Little kids love to watch and rewatch and rewatch a movie or show. I still like to do that. It's like having an old friend over to reminisce. I like new good movies. I guess sometimes it's like a substitute from real experiences. Having experiences, new ones, and ones that feel familiar is what life is about. Experiencing life. Well, I became terrified of that at a young age and movies and tv shows were a "safe" way of experiencing life, without actually experiencing it. I could trick myself. It's a hard thing for me to let go of. Odd that I think of letting go of it when I'm in the industry being a video producer and have a passion for making movies. It's my intention I need to be aware of when I sit down for a movie. Like this morning it was to not be here, and this evening, to not be here, but the movie with my friend was inspiring and moving and got me wanting to make another movie.

Love and Light.

9-3-11 grateful for today

1.  Tai Chi
2.  My adorable dog
3.  Taking a risk
4.  Flowing with the moment
5.  Breathing
6.  Thunderstorms
7.  Healing action of cleaning
8.  Debt free
9.  Music
10.  Creativity and passion

I took a risk today and asked a man out to coffee after class today.  I took the risk of opening my heart and sharing my truth.  I am happy I risked it.  I am living in new experiences and feelings!  This is more than just surviving through the day.  More than following structure and rules.  This is me diving into an experience rather than have it happen to me.  I'm getting used to diving in.  I'm no longer sitting on the sidelines observing and recording.
Love and Light.

9-2-11 grateful for today

1.  Music
2.  My adorable dog
3.  My creative wonderful job
4.  Making mistakes and learning
5.  Breathing
6.  All people, creatures, and plants
7.  Friday!
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Choices
10.  Unconditional love

I've just made several mistakes in a row trying to do one thing in Adobe Flash.  I am learning this program, I'm new with it.  I feel my frustration welling up in me as I'm about to start over for the third time today, and probably the tenth time this week.  I am learning a lot.  I also have another daunting task to "squish" this into a 4:3 ratio because it will then be stretched out to a 16:9 wide screen monitor.  I don't know how I'm going to do that, and may have to redo the whole thing again squished.  And putting myself into this future task I become even more frustrated.  But I'm not there yet.  I'm here learning this program, the interface, how everything works, and I know a lot more than when I started on this thing on Monday.  I don't have a deadline, there isn't pressure to get this project done.  I can breathe and take my time.  I am grateful for making mistakes because I am learning and getting better everyday.
Love and Light.

9-1-11 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping well
3.  My car running well
4.  My wonderfully creative job learning new things
5.  Communication
6.  Connection with friends and hearts
7.  Calmness and peace
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Nature, sun, trees, wind, etc.
10.  Breathing freely and clearly.

It's a new month, September.  August was rough for me and I'm grateful for the experience I went through.  I found something medically odd in an area of my body that brings lots of past emotional trauma up for me.  And the medical issue was resolved a couple of days ago, so the whole month seemed to be longer for me.  I'm happy that I did not obsess over it every day the entire month.  I really gave myself permission to take a vacation from it for a week when I had a break in doctor's appointments.  I am grateful to my doctor being knowledgable in the medical issue, and moreso being understanding and compassionate about my personal emotional issues.  I'm grateful to my friends holding space and Light for me.  For my friend that went with me a couple of times, and my friend that came to my house after the last procedure to hold me.  I am grateful to have recieved all that love.  I've learned how to receive what I have been given and I add that to my being.
Love and Light.