9-30-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Quaker Meeting
3.  Chanting
4.  Choices and responsibility
5.  My soul
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  This new day
8.  Endless possibilities in every moment
9.  Compassion
10.  Breathing

Weekends alone are tough for me.  I've been scheduling (or not scheduling) things for large blocks of time for myself because I need to experience truly being with myself.  And feel the emotions of sadness, aloneness and disconnection.  I know in my soul I am never truly alone or disconnected.  I choose that.  I let my brain take off and spin around with doubt, doubting my wonderful times with my friends and doubting that anybody else even gives a thought about me when I'm not around.  I let that go.  It's time for me to KNOW that I am okay, I am loved, I am connected at all times.  I hold myself with compassion so that I may hold others with compassion.  I invite my soul in.  Love and Light.

9-29-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping in
3.  The whole day unplanned
4.  Integrity
5.  Choices and responsibility
6.  Hot tea
7.  Abundance
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Compassion
10.  The Light

I have an unplanned day.  That is there is no appointments I need to be at today.  No classes.  No visits with friends scheduled.  I do not have to be anywhere at any particular time today.  It will also be a challenge as I have discovered I do not like feeling alone in my place.  That's why I've been packing my days with scheduling places to be.  Today is going to be a good challenge.  To truly feel what emotions come up when I am alone, and process them, and begin to bring in my soul and safety.  Love and Light.

9-28-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The office to myself
3.  Silence
4.  Chanting
5.  An evening to myself
6.  Tai Chi
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  Sleeping well

I slept very well last night.  I climbed into bed about 8:30 pm and was asleep having interesting dreams for most of the night.  It's getting close to the full moon, a time for reflection and gathering lessons in reviewing the action I have taken since the new moon.  I'm looking forward to this evening that I have all to myself, and tomorrow is completely open.  Much Love and Light.

9-27-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Quakers
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My soul
5.  Unconditional Love
6.  The Light
7.  My car running well
8.  Happy Hour
9.  My warm comfortable jacket
10.  Being of service

My dog woke me up at 3 am and I am struggling with sleepiness again today.  Interesting that this lack of sleep is showing up as a pattern with me.  It must mean something profound.  I am too tired to figure it out.  Really, I don't need to figure out anything.  I need to be open to messages and when I'm tired it seems to be easier, all my defenses and resistance is too tired and I am open to The Light and my Soul to enter.  Love and Light.

1-26-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping well
3.  Tai Chi standing
4.  Creativity and talent
5.  Asking for help
6.  Awareness
7.  Music
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  The Light
10.  Sun and Moon

I got pulled away from my grateful list as I do it at work in the morning, and my coworker is having trouble with our webpage.  All of a sudden some menus are not appearing.  This is where I need to drop into a place of love to help talk him through it, because I don't know that much about programming.  I know enough that to someone who has not taken any programming classes I seem to know a lot about what I'm talking about, but I really don't.  I know enough about how computers and how logic circuits work to be able to try stuff that may work, but I don't really know if it's going to work or not.  I could feel anger rising in me because I was scared I didn't know how to fix it.  I was able to stop my anger from lashing out at my coworker (who doesn't know programming well either) and drop back down into love and try something else.  We tried a lot of things, calmly giving our ideas and how we guess the code is working.  We were not able to fix it and we both have given it a rest for a while.  It is not my responsibility to know how website programming works, it's a plus if I can figure it out, and I'm okay.  And life is okay.  And the world is okay if our menu doesn't work for a little while longer.  Love and Light.

9-25-12 grateful for today

1. My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Therapy session today
4.  Friends
5.  Deepening
6.  My soul
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Creativity and Talent
10.  Willingness

I love my adorable dog.  I sit on the floor in front of my alter that I created and I chant in the mornings.  Usually the dog food is right in front of me because years ago while having trouble getting my dog to eat, for some reason he started eating when I started chanting.  So I'm used to having my dog around me when I'm chanting in the morning.  He doesn't always come over by me, sometimes he plays with his toy or lately continues to sleep in the bed.  This morning he sat right in front of me and I chanted and pet him and he cuddled in my lap and then he ate his food.  Looking at me and wagging his tail the whole time.  And then I stopped chanting and sat for a meditation and my cute dog happily walked in circles around me, wagging his tail while I was meditating.  And while sitting waiting for my legs to wake up, he continued his circling in clockwise motion.  Pausing for a pet or a scratch or a lick on my knee and then continuing around in a circle. He's done this a few times before.  Only he knows what is motivating him to walk around in such a happy circle.  I wonder if he is following a big part of my soul around me.  Recently I became aware that I split from a big part of my soul when I was very little.  And only recently have I been willing to become open to let that big piece back into me.  I feel my big soul close by.  Maybe that is what is circling me happily and lovingly and patiently waiting for me to open.  And that is what my dog is happily following around me.  Love and Light.

9-24-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Much personal growth and connection over the weekend
3.  My car running well
4.  Honesty and integrity
5.  Music
6.  Silence
7.  My wonderful job
8.  Creativity and talent
9.  Unconditional love
10.  Moving with The Light

I had an amazing retreat weekend. It is awesome to be in a wonderful, loving, sacred space to release all that keeps me from living and loving completely.  I learned to move with The Light.  To be led by my heart.  To feel my way through.  To see and listen to another with my heart and my Light.  To answer that of The Light in another.  And the retreat weekend also meant a few hours of sleep a night.  I'm at work and moving slowly.  I am moving, and am open to move with The Light.  Love and Light.

9-21-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Centering and grounding
4.  Music
5.  Personal Transformation Intensive
6.  Divine Guidance
7.  Knowing I'm safe
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Compassion and understanding
10.  Creativity and Talent

I am looking forward to my group retreat this weekend.  It is amazing witnessing others and their willingness to change and watching the transformation is amazing.  There's another small part of me that is not looking forward to the early mornings and late evenings and not much sleep.  Also, the meals are not on my regular schedule.  I need to learn to flow and know that there is always energy flowing through me.  Love and Light.

9-20-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Divine Guidance
4.  Unconditional love
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Breathing
7.  Sleeping well
8.  Music
9.  Silence
10.  Compassion

When I really step back and take a look at my life and what I've been through in my life, really stepping out of it and looking at it, I've been doing an amazing job.  It's when I'm in it and looking at it from inside it is when I see it as something messed up and I see the things I didn't do, the mistakes I've made, the way I am in the world and I'm frustrated with myself.  When I'm inside.  Because my soul is not in my life with me.  My soul is watching from outside.  How to get my soul inside me is the question I need to answer.  Love and Light.

9-19-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  International Talk Like a Pirate Day
4.  Music
5.  Dancing
6.  Silence
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Headphones
9.  Creativity and Talent
10.  Therapy session

I've uncovered recently that I started out in life believing that life is scary and terrifying.  And then for many years experiences happened that confirmed and reinforced that belief over and over.  I say uncovered because all of this time, every day, I am always scared.  I was never aware of it.  It was a constant feeling that was always there.  Sometimes there would be more fear, but not ever less.  I am aware of it now and I'm uncomfortable with it.  And in finding ways to feel safe and no fear, I'm uncomfortable of that new feeling which brings up for me (you guessed it) fear.  It seems like I can't get away from feeling afraid.  I am frustrated and tired of it.  I don't know what to do.  I guess I will sit with it and be aware and feel afraid.  I don't know what else to do.  Love and Light.

9-18-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Abundance
4.  Music
5.  Sleeping well
6.  Friends
7.  Help
8.  Unconditional love
9.  Compassion
10.  Forgiveness

I'm grateful that forgiveness exists and that it has touched me a few times.  I don't feel particularly forgiving today, so I'm grateful that I know that it is out there.  I give myself to permission to be human today.  To feel what I'm feeling right now and not push myself, or delude myself into thinking I feel something more grandeur or more enlightened than I am right now.  I am me and right now I am hurt and judgmental and blameful and ashamed.  I am not these things all the time.  I am me.  Love and Light.

9-17-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Creativity and talent
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Music
6.  Spending time with friends
7.  Reading
8.  Knowledge and awareness
9.  My heart
10.  Unconditional love

It's funny sometimes I start this blog and put the date as the title and I'm thinking that I don't have anything to put down on my list.  And suddenly my list flows out onto the post and as I'm reading what I'm typing, I'm almost surprised as what I'm grateful for.  Surprised at how easily I had things to be grateful for.  I typed number nine, my heart, and I felt tears come up.  Because what came up after I typed it was knowing all the scars and marks there are on my heart.  I am grateful for my heart and all the scars and marks on it.  I am grateful that I have survived.  That's a new feeling for me, and I feel weird with it, uncomfortable.  This is one I will need to revisit going forward.  Love and Light.

9-16-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Sleeping well
3.  Quaker Meeting
4.  Unconditional Love
5.  The Light, within and without
6.  My car running well
7.  My memory
8.  Chanting
9.  Music and dancing
10.  Noble friends

I don't know what to write about today.  I slept really well last night.  My dog woke me up at 7 am.  I still wanted to sleep some more.  And the way my dog wakes me up fills my heart with joy.  He licks my face and even with my eyes closed I can feel his tail wagging like mad.  Then he pushes against me with his head and keeps pushing until he flips himself over on his back and his whole body is wriggling because his tail is still trying to wag like mad and he is pawing the air.  Such joy to wake up and know you are alive another day.  That's my adorable dog.  Love and Light.

9-14-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Tai Chi class
3.  Playing with a friend
4.  My car running well
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Coloring books and crayons
7.  Feeling and expressing my emotions
8.  Permission to be human
9.  Unconditional love
10.  Forgiveness

I heard a great thing from my Tai Chi teacher today.  I admitted that I don't practice at home, that I haven't ever really practiced at home, only in class.  I pick a lot of things up really easily so that I don't have to practice and teachers assume that I must be practicing because I am progressing faster than most in their class.  This has been the way I have done things even in school.  I didn't have to practice or study.  Even learning piano and the drums, I seem to pick it up easily.  So I admitted to my teacher that I don't practice.  That I have a new commitment as of today to practice daily.  He told me that the practice isn't to get the movements correct or to remember them, it's a daily routine to inhabit my body and learn to feel my own energy and move it, to connect my lower body to my upper body, to shift it and transform it, to cleanse my own energy, to release blocks and let my energy flow.  That's what the daily practice is for and since I haven't been practicing daily, that's why my blocks are still in my lower back and connecting to my legs.  Even when my form looks very good.  I can think about Tai Chi all day, it's in the moving and practicing the movement will the shift and the release happen.  I need to take this to my emotional work also.  Love and Light.

9-14-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Dancing
3.  Sleeping
4.  My car running well
5.  Creativity and talent
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Shifting and transformation
8.  Ability to go at my pace
9.  Joy
10.  Compassion

I normally only do text in my blog, and today I feel a need to share this video about how kids are learning "The Toolbox".  How the kids can access their own inner resilience.  This is amazing, and the tools these kids are learning in kindergarten and elementary school, I am just learning now through mental health counseling.  I have to say again that this is amazing.  Love and Light.

Toolbox Project Introduction (2012) - 6:30 from Peter Hwosch on Vimeo.

9-13-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My mechanic and my car running well
3.  Deep insight
4.  Caring for myself
5.  Unconditional love
6.  Time and space
7.  Music
8.  Chanting
9.  Silence
10.  Choices and responsibility

I was working on discovering/acknowledging my own needs earlier this year.  The myth that I believed was:  My needs are not met, therefore needs are bad, therefore I am bad, therefore I deny that I have any needs.  There are a few processes that I do with my therapist where at the end she asks "What do I need from myself, and what do I want from others?"  For many years I've had the hardest time answering these questions. I would answer that I don't need anything, I don't want anything.  She teaches that needs are what I fulfill for myself, and wants are from others.  My needs are always filled by me and wants are asking from others and I may not always get them.  This further confused me because I wasn't sure what needs were to begin with.  And as a small child I was not able to fill my needs for myself.  And that's where my development stopped.  So filling a need for myself felt to me not possible as an adult.  I've had to do a lot of work to realize what my needs are and admit to them.  Then I had a hard time understanding asking for a want.  If I'm fulfilling my own need, why would I ever ask or want someone to help me with it?  Which got me to point of believing: I need love and support, and so I fill my need loving and supporting myself and others would spontaneously do the same for me.  I still didn't understand why asking for what I wanted, or even admitting that I wanted it from someone was important.  Then I was given a homework assignment, I basically had to practice asking for what I wanted from others.  It was a very hard assignment, and I guess I haven't really finished it, because coming up with what I wanted was hard.  And asking was near impossible.  I did do it for a couple of things.  I understand the logic, that fulfilling the need myself and then asking for what I want, if I don't get what I want, I am not devastated, my need is still met.  It's the emotions.  How I feel when I meet my own need is different from receiving from another.  Both feelings are new and amazing for me.  They feel differently.  My needs are always met.  Meeting my own needs heals my little girl that didn't know how to meet my needs.  Receiving what I want from others heals my little girl from not receiving what she needed.  Along with these new and amazing feelings, I've been feeling lots of grief over loss of not getting what I needed.  Love and Light.

9-12-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  The Booth at the End
4.  My car running well
5.  Abundance
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  The Light
8.  Choices and Responsibility
9.  Friends
10.  Florida Personal Growth Center

Insomnia.  When I have nights where I'm not sleeping, I am really appreciative of sleep and rest and relaxation. When I was in my teens, I would try to stay awake and never could do it.  I was envious of my friend who complained of insomnia. then in college when insomnia happened to me a couple of times, I realized that it was not staying awake to get more done.  It was a desperate feeling for sleep because I was having trouble functioning.  Thinking is hard and unfocused.  The world seems foggy and weird, like it's off-kilter or the color is off.  Even physical functioning is a struggle because I feel my muscles screaming for rest to repair.  My digestion is funky and I don't want to eat.  So, I used to imagine that I would get a ton more projects completed if I had insomnia and now the reality is that I can barely do much more than stare at the wall and it takes me even longer to do basic tasks.  Here's to releasing what is blocking me from restful sleep.  Love and Light.

9-11-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Friends
4.  Being held in the Light
5.  Being of service
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Music
8.  Headphones
9.  Accomplishment
10.  Flowing with The Light

I didn't sleep well last night.  In my dream I was trying to check into a hotel so that I could lay down and sleep.  There were lots of people in my dream.  And it was during a film festival.  When I finally got into a hotel room, I couldn't get the owner out of the room, she kept wanting to talk to me because I was so interesting.  I woke up with a head and neck ache, which are still sore.  Weird.  Life is an adventure, and so are my dreams.  Love and Light.

9-10-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Larger hard drive in my work computer
4.  Creativity
5.  Honoring all my emotions
6.  Music
7.  Chanting
8.  Unconditional Love
9.  Choices and responsibility
10.  Friends

There's a difference between feeling sleepy and feeling exhausted.  Yesterday and so far today, I feel exhausted.  Where is the energy that recharges as it flows through me.  I very much want to live in a natural setting.  A house out in the country, or mountains with trees all around.  I'm in a 4th floor condo building with asphalt all around.  Sounds like I'm telling myself to take a walk through a park today.  To open up and let energy flow through me.  To take a nap.  Love and Light.

9-9-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Meeting today
4.  Friends
5.  Laughter
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  The Light that is in everybody
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  Creativity
10.  Silence

I am grateful that it is Sunday morning. My event yesterday went beautifully. Everybody had a great time and so did I. Today is relaxing with Quaker Meeting and maybe watching football with some friends. I feel Light today. And sleepy as I was up late and now up early. Love and Light.

9-7-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Openness
4.  Music
5.  Chanting
6.  Silence
7.  Sleeping
8.  Breathing
9.  A new 500 GB hard drive
10.  Unconditional Love

Yay Friday!  I am working tomorrow, and I'm grateful that I have this evening with nothing planned so that I can finish up some last minute tasks for the event that I have been leading for tomorrow.  I am visualizing how I'm feeling and what I'm doing after the event.  I am driving my equipment back to the office and I feel Light and happy that the event went so well and it was so much fun.  I reflect with joy on the spontaneous concert with everybody playing their instruments and making joyful noise.  I am now here at work and grateful that I have a new larger hard drive for my editing machine, as it has been tedious trying to make all my projects fit on it.  I have lots of fun creative things to do today.  Love and Light.

9-6-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Help
3.  Friends
4.  Haircut
5.  My car running well
6.  Happy Hour
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  My creativity and talent
9.  The Light
10.  Task reminders

Hello, and welcome to Thursday.  I get a haircut tonight and I'm getting ready for my blind date on Saturday night.  I'm sleepy today.  Had a very hard time getting out of bed.  And I feel I could fall right asleep sitting at my desk.  I have lots of projects to work on today.  I am open and flowing with love and light.

9-5-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Chanting
3.  Music
4.  Friends
5.  My wonderful job
6.  Unconditional Love
7.  Endless possibilities in every moment
8.  Choices and responsibility
9.  My car running well
10.  Sun, wind, trees

I've been meaning to switch when I create a posting for this blog.  I currently write it in the morning and put things in it to be grateful for that are coming up today.  There are a couple of things that are on my grateful list that I am grateful for at the time I write it, like my dog, my job, my car.  The rest are things to remind myself to open to during the day and be grateful when it happens later in the day.  Maybe I'm putting way too much thought into this.  I was wondering if my list would be different if I made it at night and put on it things that happened that day as I reflect on what happened.  Like last night, I would have put on my list grateful for my mechanic since my check engine light came on and he checked it out right away and resolved it quickly.  And my friend Sherri for helping me with makeup and waxing my eyebrows.  The way my list works now, it reminds me first thing in the morning to be grateful all day.  I think it works.  Love and Light.

9-4-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  Music
3.  Honoring and expressing my emotions
4.  My wonderful job
5.  Caring loving friends
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  Compassion
9.  Sacred Space
10.  The Light

I spent Sunday and Monday holiday cleaning my apartment.  To create sacred space for myself.  I accomplished cleaning out and organizing a couple of corners.  There is still more to go.  Last night late I felt a lot of grief and loss and I sobbed for a while.  I called a friend to share and talk.  My noble friend listened.  He didn't try to fix it or make me feel better.  He let me feel and listened.  He also said that a lot of energy has been stuck in my clutter in my house, and I have been cleaning out my inner self, and now cleaning my house externally will be kicking up a lot of energy.  I believe that is part of what I was feeling.  That moving around of energy, and clearing up my stuckness.  And I needed to release a lot of emotion last night.  Love and Light.

9-3-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  The day off of work
3.  Helping friends
4.  Letting go
5.  My car running well
6.  Choices and responsibility
7.  Unconditional Love
8.  The Light
9.  Sacred space
10.  Honoring my emotions

Day 2 of intense cleaning and organizing and purging.  I found an entire box of papers that I get to throw out.  I need to shred it first and I have no paper shredder except for my own two hands.  I like fire, but in a 4th floor condo, there really isn't a place to have a nice fire.  So it's either my two hands or buy a cheap one at WalMart.  I'm quite focused on my tasks to clean and organize my house today.  I feel pressure of limited time to create my home as a sacred safe clean place for me.  I'm afraid that if I don't get it all done today, I will believe that I don't deserve sacred space for me and go right back to my hoarding and filthy habits.  I need to believe that I deserve sacred space and deserve all the time it takes me to give myself that space.  Love and Light.

9-1-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My car running well
3.  Choices and responsibility
4.  Tai Chi
5.  Strength and Courage
6.  Friends
7.  Compassion
8.  The Light
9.  Compassion
10.  Coming from a place of love

I chose to come into work today.  Yesterday evening while working late, I was deep in my "victim consciousness" where I make and see the world as out to get me.  It was my boss giving me the older computer and moving the project I normally use his computer onto mine was for the purpose of making my life more complicated and harder.  (just like the previous sentence).  I was blaming the hard drive for not being big enough, the computer not being fast enough, my brain for not checking for space on the hard drive before crashing the computer, the marketing people upstairs for not being clear in what they wanted.  I was mad and frustrated and hurt and sad and scared.  And while driving away, I realized that I had created that entire experience to be what it was.  And yes, it was all that . . . . AND MORE.  The more was that this was life and growing pains of trying something new.  My boss and I both wanted the project on my computer because we were running into scheduling problems with both of us using his.  This was the first time doing the project on mind and I found out that I need more hard drive space and I need to get started on it earlier.  There is learning and lessons.  And while driving away I realized that I am not going to get fired for this, that it's not really a big deal that I don't have the new programming done.  Things will continue to flow.  I chose to come in to work on a Saturday so that my computer would be free on Tuesday to do editing and not continuing to render these shows that needed to be done yesterday.  I'm not sure if this is really conveying my peace and confidence of taking responsibility of my choice, of realizing it is MY CHOICE to come in today.  And viewing it this way from a place of personal power, frees me up to work on my own projects while the shows are rendering rather than spending my time waiting and fuming that "I'm stuck here at work on a Saturday."  Now its time for me to work on my stuff.  Love and Light.