9-13-12 grateful for today

1.  My adorable dog
2.  My mechanic and my car running well
3.  Deep insight
4.  Caring for myself
5.  Unconditional love
6.  Time and space
7.  Music
8.  Chanting
9.  Silence
10.  Choices and responsibility

I was working on discovering/acknowledging my own needs earlier this year.  The myth that I believed was:  My needs are not met, therefore needs are bad, therefore I am bad, therefore I deny that I have any needs.  There are a few processes that I do with my therapist where at the end she asks "What do I need from myself, and what do I want from others?"  For many years I've had the hardest time answering these questions. I would answer that I don't need anything, I don't want anything.  She teaches that needs are what I fulfill for myself, and wants are from others.  My needs are always filled by me and wants are asking from others and I may not always get them.  This further confused me because I wasn't sure what needs were to begin with.  And as a small child I was not able to fill my needs for myself.  And that's where my development stopped.  So filling a need for myself felt to me not possible as an adult.  I've had to do a lot of work to realize what my needs are and admit to them.  Then I had a hard time understanding asking for a want.  If I'm fulfilling my own need, why would I ever ask or want someone to help me with it?  Which got me to point of believing: I need love and support, and so I fill my need loving and supporting myself and others would spontaneously do the same for me.  I still didn't understand why asking for what I wanted, or even admitting that I wanted it from someone was important.  Then I was given a homework assignment, I basically had to practice asking for what I wanted from others.  It was a very hard assignment, and I guess I haven't really finished it, because coming up with what I wanted was hard.  And asking was near impossible.  I did do it for a couple of things.  I understand the logic, that fulfilling the need myself and then asking for what I want, if I don't get what I want, I am not devastated, my need is still met.  It's the emotions.  How I feel when I meet my own need is different from receiving from another.  Both feelings are new and amazing for me.  They feel differently.  My needs are always met.  Meeting my own needs heals my little girl that didn't know how to meet my needs.  Receiving what I want from others heals my little girl from not receiving what she needed.  Along with these new and amazing feelings, I've been feeling lots of grief over loss of not getting what I needed.  Love and Light.