1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Air Conditioning
4. The sun rising
5. My wonderful job
6. Creativity and talent
7. Unconditional Love
8. Choices and responsibility
9. The Light
10. Water
Every day is a chance, an opportunity to engage fully in life. To feel everything fully. To keep my soul expanded close to my surface to be able to feel and be transformed by what comes in, to express my light and give my gifts to transform this world. Every day, every moment is that opportunity. I have rarely taken that risk, that chance. I believe that is changing in me. I feel I'm excited to take those risks, to dive in and take those opportunities. I know what will happen if do my usual frozen in fear, and avoid stepping into life, the moments will pass and I will be left with: Same Shit Different Day. I create the experiences that validate my new beliefs. My new belief that life is fun and interesting and adventurous. I have everything I need to create experiences that validate that. Time to get to work. Love and Light.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
8-7-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Mastermind
3. Music
4. Creativity and talent
5. Breathing
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Art and images and expression
8. Chanting
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I create the experiences that validate my new beliefs. Taking that action to create experiences is hard. I'm so used to creating negative experiences for myself. I'm so used to taking experiences, even joyful positive ones and finding or imagining that one tiny piece of negative for me to focus on and turn the whole thing into a negative experience. Why do I imagine that feeling joy and peace and love ends in a horrifying fall? That's been my pattern. That's what I expect. So I don't allow myself to feel those things. I'm so scared of that horrifying fall. But it's not true. That horrifying fall is not there, not always. And I'm older now, it's not as scary. I remember the twin beds at my Grandparents house. It used to be my Mom's and Aunt's old room. I remember when I was really little, 6 or 7 years old, that jumping from bed to bed was a huge leap. It was scary that large gap between beds was huge because I was little. As an adult, the beds seem so close together and I could step across. There wasn't any fear of making that crossing. I'm older now, I need to have faith that I deserve to feel joy and that I have grown wings (or a parachute) fall safely. Because I know I don't stay in joy, hurt and pain are a necessary and divine part of live also. I don't have to live in just one, I live in all of life. All experiences. Love and Light.
2. Mastermind
3. Music
4. Creativity and talent
5. Breathing
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Art and images and expression
8. Chanting
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I create the experiences that validate my new beliefs. Taking that action to create experiences is hard. I'm so used to creating negative experiences for myself. I'm so used to taking experiences, even joyful positive ones and finding or imagining that one tiny piece of negative for me to focus on and turn the whole thing into a negative experience. Why do I imagine that feeling joy and peace and love ends in a horrifying fall? That's been my pattern. That's what I expect. So I don't allow myself to feel those things. I'm so scared of that horrifying fall. But it's not true. That horrifying fall is not there, not always. And I'm older now, it's not as scary. I remember the twin beds at my Grandparents house. It used to be my Mom's and Aunt's old room. I remember when I was really little, 6 or 7 years old, that jumping from bed to bed was a huge leap. It was scary that large gap between beds was huge because I was little. As an adult, the beds seem so close together and I could step across. There wasn't any fear of making that crossing. I'm older now, I need to have faith that I deserve to feel joy and that I have grown wings (or a parachute) fall safely. Because I know I don't stay in joy, hurt and pain are a necessary and divine part of live also. I don't have to live in just one, I live in all of life. All experiences. Love and Light.
Monday, August 6, 2012
8-6-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Therapy
4. Music
5. Creativity
6. Writing, pen and paper
7. Star Wars
8. My wonderful job
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I have lots of projects that need my creativity and talent to put them together here at work. And now that I think about it, I have a lot at home, too. There's a difference between anxiety and excitement. Anxiety I hold my breath and become scared, not breathing is life threatening. Excitement I breath deeply and am energized, breathing is life affirming. My old habit is to hold my breath and I hold everything. I stop moving. I think that's what I do over the weekend. Because I think I'm going to get a lot of things done and do stuff, and I end up sitting still a lot. I let my excitement for transformation turn into anxiety and fear of change. And I sit. I see myself do this at work too. I need to feel safe and let go of judgement. Just do. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Therapy
4. Music
5. Creativity
6. Writing, pen and paper
7. Star Wars
8. My wonderful job
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I have lots of projects that need my creativity and talent to put them together here at work. And now that I think about it, I have a lot at home, too. There's a difference between anxiety and excitement. Anxiety I hold my breath and become scared, not breathing is life threatening. Excitement I breath deeply and am energized, breathing is life affirming. My old habit is to hold my breath and I hold everything. I stop moving. I think that's what I do over the weekend. Because I think I'm going to get a lot of things done and do stuff, and I end up sitting still a lot. I let my excitement for transformation turn into anxiety and fear of change. And I sit. I see myself do this at work too. I need to feel safe and let go of judgement. Just do. Love and Light.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
8-5-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Quakers
4. Letting go to allow The Light in
5. Transformation
6. Expression of all my emotions
7. Music
8. Friends
9. Unconditional Love
10. Compassion
There is difference between making or accomplishing things or being of service because I want to prove that I have overcome my inherent horribleness and making or accomplishing things or being of service because I know that I am truly part of The Light and have gifts to give to the world. There is a big difference between those reasons. A casual observer on the outside might not see any difference in my actions or the product of my behavior. I can tell you that this difference feels like it is tearing my world apart. I've done the therapy, the personal growth work, I've said the affirmations: "I am pure Love and Light", I'm a Quaker that believes there is that of The Light in every person. I've been doing this. I say I believe this because I want so badly to believe that who I truly am is Love and Light and Compassion and that I personally have amazing gifts to give to the world. I want so badly to believe this. What I've learned in the past week, what I've come face to face with, is that I believe that who I truly am is so horrible and monstrous. That's why the difference is so huge. I've been doing all this stuff to prove that I have overcome who I truly am. That's not the purpose for me to be here. That's not the purpose for anybody to be here on earth. My purpose, your purpose, everybody and everybody's purpose is to be who they truly are. That's scary to me. I guess Faith is to let go and let who I truly am out whatever that is and have faith that I truly am Light. I won't know until I let it out and see what comes out, Light or monster. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Quakers
4. Letting go to allow The Light in
5. Transformation
6. Expression of all my emotions
7. Music
8. Friends
9. Unconditional Love
10. Compassion
There is difference between making or accomplishing things or being of service because I want to prove that I have overcome my inherent horribleness and making or accomplishing things or being of service because I know that I am truly part of The Light and have gifts to give to the world. There is a big difference between those reasons. A casual observer on the outside might not see any difference in my actions or the product of my behavior. I can tell you that this difference feels like it is tearing my world apart. I've done the therapy, the personal growth work, I've said the affirmations: "I am pure Love and Light", I'm a Quaker that believes there is that of The Light in every person. I've been doing this. I say I believe this because I want so badly to believe that who I truly am is Love and Light and Compassion and that I personally have amazing gifts to give to the world. I want so badly to believe this. What I've learned in the past week, what I've come face to face with, is that I believe that who I truly am is so horrible and monstrous. That's why the difference is so huge. I've been doing all this stuff to prove that I have overcome who I truly am. That's not the purpose for me to be here. That's not the purpose for anybody to be here on earth. My purpose, your purpose, everybody and everybody's purpose is to be who they truly are. That's scary to me. I guess Faith is to let go and let who I truly am out whatever that is and have faith that I truly am Light. I won't know until I let it out and see what comes out, Light or monster. Love and Light.
Friday, August 3, 2012
8-3-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Friday
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. Meditation
6. Breathing
7. Creativity
8. Sleeping
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I am typing with tingly hands and fingers. The tingling of not enough rest for my body to renew. The tingling jangles of nerves that need to stop for longer than the alarm clock says to get up. I went to bed at 8:30 pm, exhausted. I've slept the best I have in a long time, and still was waking up quite often through the night. And my adorable dog starts jumping on me and barking at 4 am, needing water in his bowl. I need more rest. I need a relaxing recharge vacation. I have only 3 days of personal time to take for the rest of the year. It's my life, my decision on when and how to use them. I'm sleepy. Tingling in my hands. Love and Light.
2. Friday
3. Music
4. Chanting
5. Meditation
6. Breathing
7. Creativity
8. Sleeping
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light
I am typing with tingly hands and fingers. The tingling of not enough rest for my body to renew. The tingling jangles of nerves that need to stop for longer than the alarm clock says to get up. I went to bed at 8:30 pm, exhausted. I've slept the best I have in a long time, and still was waking up quite often through the night. And my adorable dog starts jumping on me and barking at 4 am, needing water in his bowl. I need more rest. I need a relaxing recharge vacation. I have only 3 days of personal time to take for the rest of the year. It's my life, my decision on when and how to use them. I'm sleepy. Tingling in my hands. Love and Light.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
8-2-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. My car running well
4. Music
5. Silence
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Permission to be human
8. Unconditional Love
9. Community gathering to create good energy
10. Faith
I am feeling happy and light today. My logical/rational brain can't seem to understand why I'm feeling so much better. Yesterday I felt incredibly sad and weighed down and lonely and bad. My logical brain is having a hard time understanding that reconciliation of feeling happy after feeling so sad and hurt. I've made a drastic change in emotion and there isn't that big of a change in circumstance or experience. My drastic change was all within me. It is my choice. That's hard for a part of me to accept. The small part of me. The part of me that was a child and was affected traumatically by forces outside of me that hurt me. If hurt and sad comes from outside me, then happy and joy and feeling better comes from outside me, right? All emotions come from inside. That's the feeling I have, that this happy and joy is coming from within, outward. Also, my anger, sadness, and hurt over the weekend I felt was coming from within, outward. So, what happened that I felt that way? That seems to be the question that we ask ourselves and each other. Seeing somebody sad or crying, we ask, what happened? I find that I'm not able to answer that question a lot of the time. If I don't come up with an experience that I think validates my reason for crying, then I stop crying. That's not healthy. I feel sad and I am crying expressing it. What would happen if I stopped trying to evaluate my "good enough reason" to feel whatever I'm feeling, and instead only FEEL it and express it in a healthy way. All my emotions are valid at whatever moment I am feeling them. Love and Light.
2. Chanting
3. My car running well
4. Music
5. Silence
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Permission to be human
8. Unconditional Love
9. Community gathering to create good energy
10. Faith
I am feeling happy and light today. My logical/rational brain can't seem to understand why I'm feeling so much better. Yesterday I felt incredibly sad and weighed down and lonely and bad. My logical brain is having a hard time understanding that reconciliation of feeling happy after feeling so sad and hurt. I've made a drastic change in emotion and there isn't that big of a change in circumstance or experience. My drastic change was all within me. It is my choice. That's hard for a part of me to accept. The small part of me. The part of me that was a child and was affected traumatically by forces outside of me that hurt me. If hurt and sad comes from outside me, then happy and joy and feeling better comes from outside me, right? All emotions come from inside. That's the feeling I have, that this happy and joy is coming from within, outward. Also, my anger, sadness, and hurt over the weekend I felt was coming from within, outward. So, what happened that I felt that way? That seems to be the question that we ask ourselves and each other. Seeing somebody sad or crying, we ask, what happened? I find that I'm not able to answer that question a lot of the time. If I don't come up with an experience that I think validates my reason for crying, then I stop crying. That's not healthy. I feel sad and I am crying expressing it. What would happen if I stopped trying to evaluate my "good enough reason" to feel whatever I'm feeling, and instead only FEEL it and express it in a healthy way. All my emotions are valid at whatever moment I am feeling them. Love and Light.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
8-1-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. Typing well
5. Breathing
6. Silence and sitting quietly
7. My car running well
8. Imagination and creativity
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light in all things
There is the Light in all things, even me. I have faith in that even when it is very hard for me to feel the Light in me today. I have to believe that it is there. There's a quote and I don't remember who said it first, or even that I have it quoted exactly right, but it is: It is not that we are afraid of failing, it is that we are afraid that we are powerful beyond measure. As a kid when I would metaphorically ride the crest of a big wave of joy of life, it would be great and I would feel as if I'm soaring, and waves have to crash on the shore, that is life. As a kid my shore was hard, sharp unforgiving rocks and cliffs. Now as an adult, I am still afraid of riding that big wave even though I can see the shore now is a smooth gentle rise of sand. I have more tools and abilities to keep myself safe when the wave crashes on the beach, I know I can ride it up shore. I'm not going to crash on the rocks and cliffs, and yet that is what I am afraid of. Love and Light.
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. Typing well
5. Breathing
6. Silence and sitting quietly
7. My car running well
8. Imagination and creativity
9. Unconditional Love
10. The Light in all things
There is the Light in all things, even me. I have faith in that even when it is very hard for me to feel the Light in me today. I have to believe that it is there. There's a quote and I don't remember who said it first, or even that I have it quoted exactly right, but it is: It is not that we are afraid of failing, it is that we are afraid that we are powerful beyond measure. As a kid when I would metaphorically ride the crest of a big wave of joy of life, it would be great and I would feel as if I'm soaring, and waves have to crash on the shore, that is life. As a kid my shore was hard, sharp unforgiving rocks and cliffs. Now as an adult, I am still afraid of riding that big wave even though I can see the shore now is a smooth gentle rise of sand. I have more tools and abilities to keep myself safe when the wave crashes on the beach, I know I can ride it up shore. I'm not going to crash on the rocks and cliffs, and yet that is what I am afraid of. Love and Light.
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