1. My adorable dog
2. Sleeping
3. Music
4. Meditation
5. Chanting
6. My car running well
7. My Brain
8. Friends
9. Mastermind
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I didn't sleep well last night. I was up at 3 am and then it was hard to get up with the alarm. I know the signs and can feel myself sinking into depression. Being aware of my emotions around eating and food is very hard. It's every day. My little kid inside decides the way to get away from it is to not eat, and that doesn't work because being hungry triggers anger, being full triggers fear, eating till I'm sick triggers sadness and shame. It's taking all I can do to love myself and be gentle with myself and be aware. I am the only one that can keep myself from sinking into depression. I chant, I meditate, I connect with The Light, I feel supported by the earth below me, I feel safe within, I am always loved no matter how I end up eating or what emotions I feel or deny to get through my day. I'm tired of just getting through days. I deserve joy and love and peace. I forgive myself as I struggle. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
6-11-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Relaxation and meditation
4. The Light
5. Music
6. The Sun, the Moon, the Earth
7. Fulfilling my needs
8. Friends and family
9. Unconditional Love
10. Choices and responsibility
With all my years of going to mental health counseling, I am able to see that my deep core issue is that I believe that "There is something wrong with me." That's my belief that pops up when I struggle with emotions triggered with eating, when my past memories of abuse seem overwhelming, when I flow with the waves of life from the crest into the deep valley and feel hurt, sad, afraid, anger, shame. That belief started a long time ago and this weekend I realized that I am the one recreating this belief for myself now. I have food and eating issues, lots of rage and terror get triggered when I'm around food or need to think about it. I'm recreating my belief that "there is something wrong with me" when I allow my powerful emotions to overwhelm me and I tell myself that I can't deal with eating because its multiple times a day. When I tell myself it's too much to handle. When I tell myself I'm going to lose my mind if I have to be aware of my eating and emotions every time I need to eat. I'm the one recreating "There is something wrong with me." Because implied in that is that I'm not able to heal. I was not able to heal as a child because just surviving was all I could do. I am an adult now. I have the tools to process my emotions, to release, to feel, to heal. Yes, it is a struggle without a break, without time to step back from it to get perspective. "There is something perfect with me." Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Relaxation and meditation
4. The Light
5. Music
6. The Sun, the Moon, the Earth
7. Fulfilling my needs
8. Friends and family
9. Unconditional Love
10. Choices and responsibility
With all my years of going to mental health counseling, I am able to see that my deep core issue is that I believe that "There is something wrong with me." That's my belief that pops up when I struggle with emotions triggered with eating, when my past memories of abuse seem overwhelming, when I flow with the waves of life from the crest into the deep valley and feel hurt, sad, afraid, anger, shame. That belief started a long time ago and this weekend I realized that I am the one recreating this belief for myself now. I have food and eating issues, lots of rage and terror get triggered when I'm around food or need to think about it. I'm recreating my belief that "there is something wrong with me" when I allow my powerful emotions to overwhelm me and I tell myself that I can't deal with eating because its multiple times a day. When I tell myself it's too much to handle. When I tell myself I'm going to lose my mind if I have to be aware of my eating and emotions every time I need to eat. I'm the one recreating "There is something wrong with me." Because implied in that is that I'm not able to heal. I was not able to heal as a child because just surviving was all I could do. I am an adult now. I have the tools to process my emotions, to release, to feel, to heal. Yes, it is a struggle without a break, without time to step back from it to get perspective. "There is something perfect with me." Love and Light.
Friday, June 8, 2012
6-8-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Abundance
3. My car running well
4. All my emotions honoring and expressing them
5. Music and chanting
6. Creativity and play
7. My wonderful job
8. Noble friends
9. The Light and guidance
10. Unconditional love
Awareness. I'm grateful for awareness. I am aware of my emotions surrounding eating and food. They are powerful and seem overwhelming. I feel rage and terror. I don't understand my emotions. This is difficult. I'm scared of getting lost, scared of going backwords in my growth, scared of where all this powerful emotion is coming from. I want to get an IV for a week and just shoot nutrients directly into my blood so I can step back and get some perspective. I have to face this several times a day and I run away, disconnect, distract, shut off my awareness just to survive to the next day. I'm tired of this. Love and Light.
2. Abundance
3. My car running well
4. All my emotions honoring and expressing them
5. Music and chanting
6. Creativity and play
7. My wonderful job
8. Noble friends
9. The Light and guidance
10. Unconditional love
Awareness. I'm grateful for awareness. I am aware of my emotions surrounding eating and food. They are powerful and seem overwhelming. I feel rage and terror. I don't understand my emotions. This is difficult. I'm scared of getting lost, scared of going backwords in my growth, scared of where all this powerful emotion is coming from. I want to get an IV for a week and just shoot nutrients directly into my blood so I can step back and get some perspective. I have to face this several times a day and I run away, disconnect, distract, shut off my awareness just to survive to the next day. I'm tired of this. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
6-7-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Therapy
5. My wonderful job
6. Music
7. My journal
8. Friends
9. The Light
10. Awareness
I am grateful for being alive. Part of being alive is nurturing and caring for myself. Part of caring for myself is eating and taking in nutrition. That's the part I want to ignore and deny and not have to deal with. I struggle with eating and food. Food and eating was an unhealthy part of my childhood, my Mom didn't have a healthy relationship with food and between being taught that and other trauma happening to me, my body, I developed unhealthy, damaging, emotional blocks with food, and the act of eating. I'm aware now that for me, when I'm conscious of eating, it is my anger and rage that is doing the eating, tearing, chewing. When I'm conscious and present, I eat until I am sick. I struggle because this is daily that I'm faced with these emotions that are stuck and tied to eating, and I'm not at a place where I can release and process these emotional attachments in a healthy way. I'm at work for lunch. I'm waking up and centering and grounding myself in the morning and then making breakfast and getting to work. I'm home at night with many of my own needs to fill, bills to pay, cleaning to do, and other emotional work to process. I don't have time to deal with my eating issues every time I have to eat and so I perpetuate my old unhealthy relationship with food. I eat in front of the TV completely disconnected and unaware that I'm eating. Angry that I'm hungry at all feeling as if my body is betraying me. Anything else I can take a break from to process emotions away from the behavior. I want a break from eating. It doesn't happen. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Chanting
4. Therapy
5. My wonderful job
6. Music
7. My journal
8. Friends
9. The Light
10. Awareness
I am grateful for being alive. Part of being alive is nurturing and caring for myself. Part of caring for myself is eating and taking in nutrition. That's the part I want to ignore and deny and not have to deal with. I struggle with eating and food. Food and eating was an unhealthy part of my childhood, my Mom didn't have a healthy relationship with food and between being taught that and other trauma happening to me, my body, I developed unhealthy, damaging, emotional blocks with food, and the act of eating. I'm aware now that for me, when I'm conscious of eating, it is my anger and rage that is doing the eating, tearing, chewing. When I'm conscious and present, I eat until I am sick. I struggle because this is daily that I'm faced with these emotions that are stuck and tied to eating, and I'm not at a place where I can release and process these emotional attachments in a healthy way. I'm at work for lunch. I'm waking up and centering and grounding myself in the morning and then making breakfast and getting to work. I'm home at night with many of my own needs to fill, bills to pay, cleaning to do, and other emotional work to process. I don't have time to deal with my eating issues every time I have to eat and so I perpetuate my old unhealthy relationship with food. I eat in front of the TV completely disconnected and unaware that I'm eating. Angry that I'm hungry at all feeling as if my body is betraying me. Anything else I can take a break from to process emotions away from the behavior. I want a break from eating. It doesn't happen. Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
6-6-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. My wonderful job
5. The present moment
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Endless opportunities in every moment
8. Friends, community, connection
9. Honoring and feeling all my emotions all the way through
10. The Light
I had yesterday off of work and I had meant to post because I was grateful for a day off. Then the day got away from me and doing this project and that project and listening to music and dancing around my apartment. On Monday late morning I learned that a friend of mine had killed herself. This is the second time in my life that a friend had killed herself. Monday was also my birthday and it gave me perspective in a new way by learning about it on my birthday. Because I was going to kill myself on my birthday back in 2000. I the choice of suicide intimately myself and I am so very grateful for all the moments of Light appearing to me to keep me going with my life. I'm so very grateful I had the ability to see those moments of Light. There were those moments of Light for my friend, and she didn't see them. Life is a choice, I choose to see the moments of Light.
Love and Light.
2. Chanting
3. Music
4. My wonderful job
5. The present moment
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Endless opportunities in every moment
8. Friends, community, connection
9. Honoring and feeling all my emotions all the way through
10. The Light
I had yesterday off of work and I had meant to post because I was grateful for a day off. Then the day got away from me and doing this project and that project and listening to music and dancing around my apartment. On Monday late morning I learned that a friend of mine had killed herself. This is the second time in my life that a friend had killed herself. Monday was also my birthday and it gave me perspective in a new way by learning about it on my birthday. Because I was going to kill myself on my birthday back in 2000. I the choice of suicide intimately myself and I am so very grateful for all the moments of Light appearing to me to keep me going with my life. I'm so very grateful I had the ability to see those moments of Light. There were those moments of Light for my friend, and she didn't see them. Life is a choice, I choose to see the moments of Light.
Love and Light.
Monday, June 4, 2012
6-4-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Being born
3. My car running well
4. My wonderful creative job
5. Feeling my emotions all the way through
6. Unconditional Love
7. The Light
8. Following guidance
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Music
Happy Birthday to me. I have a long day at work and I enjoy my job, so that's good. I realize that I plan a lot of activities for myself, with friends, and appointments for my well-being. I need more time at my home. I feel good at my home, taking care of my needs and cleaning my place up. Parts of my home need to be gutted, like walls that need to be replaced, doors that need to be replaced. I will start by clearing out and purging what no longer serves me. I hold onto broken things that have sentimental value only and I know I can hold that sentiment in my heart. I don't need the object to hold it for me. I have the power and ability to hold my own energy. Love and Light.
2. Being born
3. My car running well
4. My wonderful creative job
5. Feeling my emotions all the way through
6. Unconditional Love
7. The Light
8. Following guidance
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Music
Happy Birthday to me. I have a long day at work and I enjoy my job, so that's good. I realize that I plan a lot of activities for myself, with friends, and appointments for my well-being. I need more time at my home. I feel good at my home, taking care of my needs and cleaning my place up. Parts of my home need to be gutted, like walls that need to be replaced, doors that need to be replaced. I will start by clearing out and purging what no longer serves me. I hold onto broken things that have sentimental value only and I know I can hold that sentiment in my heart. I don't need the object to hold it for me. I have the power and ability to hold my own energy. Love and Light.
Friday, June 1, 2012
6-1-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. A new month
4. Meeting all my emotional needs myself
5. Breathing
6. Love and Light
7. Music
8. Silence
9. All my emotions and all my experiences
10. Life touching my soul
Today is a decision day. I can decide to go back to my old way of being, closing off my heart and soul behind walls and retreating alone in the dark I create with my thick high walls. Or I can continue expanding my soul close to the surface of my being and let life touch it. I choose to fill my own needs and feel love for myself, and feel safe and secure on this earth, and I'm okay. I made a couple of mistakes last night. I followed powerful feelings that were not of Light. That's okay. I am aware. I forgive myself. I went off my path of Light a little bit, and I know where the path is. I'm getting back on it. Today is new, yesterday is gone. Those experiences are with me, and it was a lot of fun and I would like to try again and have fun and love and Light all at the same time. I choose to live in the world. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. A new month
4. Meeting all my emotional needs myself
5. Breathing
6. Love and Light
7. Music
8. Silence
9. All my emotions and all my experiences
10. Life touching my soul
Today is a decision day. I can decide to go back to my old way of being, closing off my heart and soul behind walls and retreating alone in the dark I create with my thick high walls. Or I can continue expanding my soul close to the surface of my being and let life touch it. I choose to fill my own needs and feel love for myself, and feel safe and secure on this earth, and I'm okay. I made a couple of mistakes last night. I followed powerful feelings that were not of Light. That's okay. I am aware. I forgive myself. I went off my path of Light a little bit, and I know where the path is. I'm getting back on it. Today is new, yesterday is gone. Those experiences are with me, and it was a lot of fun and I would like to try again and have fun and love and Light all at the same time. I choose to live in the world. Love and Light.
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