1. My adorable dog
2. My talent and ability
3. The earth
4. the Light and Love
5. Trust and Faith
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. HD camera
8. Music
9. Chanting
10. My car running well
Some of these things on my list today are things I want to be grateful for and I'm struggling at this moment to feel them. Light, Love, Trust, Faith. I have a video shoot this morning and I'm feeling lacking in my talent and ability. My boss seems flippant about the whole thing. I've written a script and it's shooting normal people, not actors for a 30 second commercial. I haven't been looking forward to this shoot because they are all going to look to me to make it great while nobody else wants to put the effort in to make it great . . . and that's what I've been focusing on, so I haven't wanted to make it great either. That's my responsibility as a producer, to be the drive, the visionary, the energy center, the one that everyone feeds off of to make it great. I'm trying to talk myself into being excited for this. I need to remember to come from a place of Love, not fear. I've been in fear about this. Come from Love, that's where the excitement and joy is. I am Love. I am talent. I am creativity. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
6-20-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Safety
3. The earth, support
4. Friends
5. The rain
6. This new day
8. The Light holding and flowing through all
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Forgiveness
I've gained some insight into my fear of eating. With help from my therapist, I faced my fear of eating head on. I found that as a little kid I was taking in so much pain and confusion and sadness from those around me, I didn't understand then about energy transference, so the only thing that I could physically see going into me was food. So I believed that eating food made it so that all of other people's energy got into me and it hurt a lot. Little kids are completely open energetically. And my parents had no idea how to process their own emotions or even how to feel or express them, so their repressed energy of emotions would go into anybody and anything it could. I had no idea that any of that was happening then. I thought it was eating that, taking in food, was the way it all got inside me. Logical, made sense for a kid. Today I am facing my fear every time I eat. I am taking the time to be present and aware that I'm eating and that I'm only taking in the food, not everything. I am safe and honoring myself by eating, I am natural feeling hungry and desiring foods that I like. I am aware of chewing and swallowing. I stop a lot to breathe and release my fear and ground myself. I'm okay. Love and Light.
2. Safety
3. The earth, support
4. Friends
5. The rain
6. This new day
8. The Light holding and flowing through all
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Forgiveness
I've gained some insight into my fear of eating. With help from my therapist, I faced my fear of eating head on. I found that as a little kid I was taking in so much pain and confusion and sadness from those around me, I didn't understand then about energy transference, so the only thing that I could physically see going into me was food. So I believed that eating food made it so that all of other people's energy got into me and it hurt a lot. Little kids are completely open energetically. And my parents had no idea how to process their own emotions or even how to feel or express them, so their repressed energy of emotions would go into anybody and anything it could. I had no idea that any of that was happening then. I thought it was eating that, taking in food, was the way it all got inside me. Logical, made sense for a kid. Today I am facing my fear every time I eat. I am taking the time to be present and aware that I'm eating and that I'm only taking in the food, not everything. I am safe and honoring myself by eating, I am natural feeling hungry and desiring foods that I like. I am aware of chewing and swallowing. I stop a lot to breathe and release my fear and ground myself. I'm okay. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
6-19-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Mental Health counseling
3. All my emotions flowing
4. The sun, clouds, rain
5. Breathing
6. Creativity and ability
7. Friends and support
8. The earth
9. Dreams
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I don't want to write this today. I want to skip a day. Skip a day of living and just watch movies and play video games. Stick myself into complete illusion and not know anything of what I'm feeling or doing today. I've been doing that for some period of time every day. The time per day is growing. Which means I am receding away from living. Resistance of life. I have a session today with my therapist. I'm working on it. Love and Light.
2. Mental Health counseling
3. All my emotions flowing
4. The sun, clouds, rain
5. Breathing
6. Creativity and ability
7. Friends and support
8. The earth
9. Dreams
10. Unconditional Love and Light
I don't want to write this today. I want to skip a day. Skip a day of living and just watch movies and play video games. Stick myself into complete illusion and not know anything of what I'm feeling or doing today. I've been doing that for some period of time every day. The time per day is growing. Which means I am receding away from living. Resistance of life. I have a session today with my therapist. I'm working on it. Love and Light.
Monday, June 18, 2012
6-18-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Friends
3. My journal
4. This list
5. The Light
6. Letting go and taking down walls to connect without fear
7. Happy Hour
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creating space
I've been stuck in "how" and "what". What am I going to do about this eating problem I have? How am I going to transform eating and food into something enjoyable when its so very messed up now? I've been struggling with these question and staying present with eating and the powerful rage and terror and sadness that comes up. I don't want to eat anymore. My body is jumping on the bandwagon and now I have nausea to deal with when I eat. I went to a birthday party and I don't even know what I ate. The person I was hanging with at the party didn't want to go get food by herself, so when uncomfortable, or feeling unsafe, my answer is "okay." I had a full plate of I don't know what and I ate it all, without being present or even knowing if I was hungry or full. Driving home on the expressway, still disconnected from feeling anything so I didn't get any warning signals, I threwup all over myself. Not a proud moment. A shameful moment, like eating is full of shame. That was Friday. and a tortured weekend of how do I transform, what am I going to do about this . . . On Sunday at Meeting I received a message, "just create space." Way will open. Create space for my transformation to happen and wait upon the Light. Trust I will be led. So many times I want to "jump to the end." And being where I am right now is important. Connecting with the Light, Spirit, The energy of all, is not always the happy stuff. Allow myself to connect and feel my hurt, terror, anger, that is part of the Light also. White light is all the colors together. And all is joyful. Just create space.
Love and Light.
2. Friends
3. My journal
4. This list
5. The Light
6. Letting go and taking down walls to connect without fear
7. Happy Hour
8. Unconditional Love
9. Endless possibilities in every moment
10. Creating space
I've been stuck in "how" and "what". What am I going to do about this eating problem I have? How am I going to transform eating and food into something enjoyable when its so very messed up now? I've been struggling with these question and staying present with eating and the powerful rage and terror and sadness that comes up. I don't want to eat anymore. My body is jumping on the bandwagon and now I have nausea to deal with when I eat. I went to a birthday party and I don't even know what I ate. The person I was hanging with at the party didn't want to go get food by herself, so when uncomfortable, or feeling unsafe, my answer is "okay." I had a full plate of I don't know what and I ate it all, without being present or even knowing if I was hungry or full. Driving home on the expressway, still disconnected from feeling anything so I didn't get any warning signals, I threwup all over myself. Not a proud moment. A shameful moment, like eating is full of shame. That was Friday. and a tortured weekend of how do I transform, what am I going to do about this . . . On Sunday at Meeting I received a message, "just create space." Way will open. Create space for my transformation to happen and wait upon the Light. Trust I will be led. So many times I want to "jump to the end." And being where I am right now is important. Connecting with the Light, Spirit, The energy of all, is not always the happy stuff. Allow myself to connect and feel my hurt, terror, anger, that is part of the Light also. White light is all the colors together. And all is joyful. Just create space.
Love and Light.
Friday, June 15, 2012
6-15-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Breathing
3. Friends
4. Unconditional Love
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Creativity and talent
8. My wonderful job
9. Affirmations
10. The Light
This is a day where being grateful and writing this list is an exercise towards Love and Light. Today is a hard day to come up with things to be grateful for. And today is a day where I need it more. It takes me a lot longer to come up with 10 things, and it helps to connect me to gratitude and love. Last night and this morning I was starting down the "life sucks" path. My brother has unbearable pressure in his head that has caused his vision to change drastically in 2 weeks. Something is pressing on his optic nerves and doctors don't know what yet. He's had several tests, all normal, so they are now at the place where they don't have an idea of what's wrong. My very good friend found out yesterday she has a brain tumor and needs to be operated on. I didn't sleep much last night. I was crying loudly into my pillow and this little voice inside my head is asking, "Do I have a good enough reason to be crying like this?" For years, this little question has stopped me from expressing my sadness because growing up I was told over and over that I had no reason to cry. For the first time I had an answer for this question. "I hurt." That's enough. I hurt. There doesn't need to be any more reasoning than that. Feeling the pain of my own struggles, Feeling the pain of watching my friends and family struggle. I hurt. Love and Light.
2. Breathing
3. Friends
4. Unconditional Love
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Creativity and talent
8. My wonderful job
9. Affirmations
10. The Light
This is a day where being grateful and writing this list is an exercise towards Love and Light. Today is a hard day to come up with things to be grateful for. And today is a day where I need it more. It takes me a lot longer to come up with 10 things, and it helps to connect me to gratitude and love. Last night and this morning I was starting down the "life sucks" path. My brother has unbearable pressure in his head that has caused his vision to change drastically in 2 weeks. Something is pressing on his optic nerves and doctors don't know what yet. He's had several tests, all normal, so they are now at the place where they don't have an idea of what's wrong. My very good friend found out yesterday she has a brain tumor and needs to be operated on. I didn't sleep much last night. I was crying loudly into my pillow and this little voice inside my head is asking, "Do I have a good enough reason to be crying like this?" For years, this little question has stopped me from expressing my sadness because growing up I was told over and over that I had no reason to cry. For the first time I had an answer for this question. "I hurt." That's enough. I hurt. There doesn't need to be any more reasoning than that. Feeling the pain of my own struggles, Feeling the pain of watching my friends and family struggle. I hurt. Love and Light.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
6-14-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Choices and responsibility
3. The Light
4. Chanting
5. Music
6. Ability to change and transform
7. Creativity and talent
8. The sun, the earth, the breeze
9. My car running well
10. Unconditional Love
I am safe, I am loved, I am doing my best. I have time, This will take time. I'm not feeling very positive or enlightened at the moment. So, this would be my que to take some time for me and do what I need to do to connect with The Light/Spirit. I want help with this and I have a hard time calling up a friend because I don't know what I want them to do to help. I don't know. I want to step thru this feeling all the steps and I'm held back by the part of me that does not want to do this at all. I feel the tension within me of both pulling and that is very uncomfortable and so I disconnect. I am staying present in this tension, in this wanting to walk through my emotions and feelings. I know that at the core is a deep resistance to life, from a long time ago. Eating is an act wanting to live. Eating healthy is an act of wanting to live joyously. I didn't want that before, so I developed issues around eating. I want that now and the process of transforming is painful.
Love and Light.
2. Choices and responsibility
3. The Light
4. Chanting
5. Music
6. Ability to change and transform
7. Creativity and talent
8. The sun, the earth, the breeze
9. My car running well
10. Unconditional Love
I am safe, I am loved, I am doing my best. I have time, This will take time. I'm not feeling very positive or enlightened at the moment. So, this would be my que to take some time for me and do what I need to do to connect with The Light/Spirit. I want help with this and I have a hard time calling up a friend because I don't know what I want them to do to help. I don't know. I want to step thru this feeling all the steps and I'm held back by the part of me that does not want to do this at all. I feel the tension within me of both pulling and that is very uncomfortable and so I disconnect. I am staying present in this tension, in this wanting to walk through my emotions and feelings. I know that at the core is a deep resistance to life, from a long time ago. Eating is an act wanting to live. Eating healthy is an act of wanting to live joyously. I didn't want that before, so I developed issues around eating. I want that now and the process of transforming is painful.
Love and Light.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
6-13-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My wonderful creative job
3. My car running well
4. Creativity and talent
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Music
7. Chanting
8. Meditation
9. Allowing my emotions to flow
10. Unconditional Love
I'm the one creating this struggle and issues around food. I know that just being aware of that fact doesn't automatically change it. Too many people in our society think that it does. Yes, I've created the act of eating for me to become something filled with terror and rage. Yes, it's unhealthy. Yes, I can logically and rationally see that eating is a natural part of life and a beautiful and enjoyable way to nourish my body and soul. My logical and rational mind does not control nor effect my emotions. My emotions need to be processed. There was a reason that I connected eating with these emotions, at some point eating or the act of was terribly unsafe for me. I need to process and release and create a new process where I can separate these emotions from eating and create new connections to joy and life. I am in process. I choose to create new connections. Love and Light.
2. My wonderful creative job
3. My car running well
4. Creativity and talent
5. Choices and responsibility
6. Music
7. Chanting
8. Meditation
9. Allowing my emotions to flow
10. Unconditional Love
I'm the one creating this struggle and issues around food. I know that just being aware of that fact doesn't automatically change it. Too many people in our society think that it does. Yes, I've created the act of eating for me to become something filled with terror and rage. Yes, it's unhealthy. Yes, I can logically and rationally see that eating is a natural part of life and a beautiful and enjoyable way to nourish my body and soul. My logical and rational mind does not control nor effect my emotions. My emotions need to be processed. There was a reason that I connected eating with these emotions, at some point eating or the act of was terribly unsafe for me. I need to process and release and create a new process where I can separate these emotions from eating and create new connections to joy and life. I am in process. I choose to create new connections. Love and Light.
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