1. My adorable dog
2. Seeing a friend tonight
3. Being of service
4. My wonderful creative job
5. Life experiences
6. Affirmations
7. Unconditional love
8. Technology
9. Grounding and nature
10. The Light
Another day of having a hard time coming up with my list. I got number one on there and then I was stuck. I did some stuff at work and found myself disconnecting and not being present (playing minesweeper). And then a friend called and asked for my help. And that changed my perspective and feeling. I'm very happy to help out my friend and doing something with good positive energy and growth. That helped me a lot and I was able to come up with the rest of my list. I am working positively today from love. I realize I had been coming to work filled with fear and avoidance and I forgive myself of that. Today I change. Today I take risks in creativity and love and positive energy. Love and Light.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
4-27-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. Endless possibilities in every moment
4. Expressing my grief
5. Having an assignment from my therapist
6. Music
7. Making mistakes
8. My body that walks and moves
9. Unconditional Love
10. Friday
Again, I'm putting things on my list that I want to feel grateful for and right at this moment I do not. Making mistakes is one of those. As a kid one of the things I was taught was to do it right or don't do it at all. There was no learning from mistakes at my house. If I didn't do it right the first time, I wasn't allowed to do it again. I've kept that pressure on me the rest of my life. It made it hard for me to take risks, to try new things, to go after the things I really wanted to do. It was easier to dream of what I wanted, my dream could never be taken away from me, but if I tried it and messed up the first time, it would be taken away. I've learned to relax on making mistakes by working on and making movies. I learned that during the process there's take 1, 2, 3, 4. . . That we just do another take. That last one was a mis-take. Just take it again. It's a part of the creative process also, lets take it again and do it differently now. Once I was able to connect that teaching with my life, I felt the world opened up, my dreams opened up. I write for the edit now. I don't have to write that perfect sentence right off the bat, I can get it started and go back and change it around and tweak it. I can change my mind. I've forgotten that the last couple of weeks. Mistakes have been devastating me and I'm the only one devastated. I'm the only one feeling like I've killed myself by screwing up. Interesting that in the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with forgiving myself for being human.
Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. Endless possibilities in every moment
4. Expressing my grief
5. Having an assignment from my therapist
6. Music
7. Making mistakes
8. My body that walks and moves
9. Unconditional Love
10. Friday
Again, I'm putting things on my list that I want to feel grateful for and right at this moment I do not. Making mistakes is one of those. As a kid one of the things I was taught was to do it right or don't do it at all. There was no learning from mistakes at my house. If I didn't do it right the first time, I wasn't allowed to do it again. I've kept that pressure on me the rest of my life. It made it hard for me to take risks, to try new things, to go after the things I really wanted to do. It was easier to dream of what I wanted, my dream could never be taken away from me, but if I tried it and messed up the first time, it would be taken away. I've learned to relax on making mistakes by working on and making movies. I learned that during the process there's take 1, 2, 3, 4. . . That we just do another take. That last one was a mis-take. Just take it again. It's a part of the creative process also, lets take it again and do it differently now. Once I was able to connect that teaching with my life, I felt the world opened up, my dreams opened up. I write for the edit now. I don't have to write that perfect sentence right off the bat, I can get it started and go back and change it around and tweak it. I can change my mind. I've forgotten that the last couple of weeks. Mistakes have been devastating me and I'm the only one devastated. I'm the only one feeling like I've killed myself by screwing up. Interesting that in the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with forgiving myself for being human.
Love and Light.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
4-26-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Therapy session later
3. My car running well
4. Shower
5. Music
6. My Brain (actual and software)
7. Shelter, food, and clothing
8. Breathing
9. My eyes, my hands, my legs and feet
10. Unconditional Love
Don't know what to write about today. Love and Light.
2. Therapy session later
3. My car running well
4. Shower
5. Music
6. My Brain (actual and software)
7. Shelter, food, and clothing
8. Breathing
9. My eyes, my hands, my legs and feet
10. Unconditional Love
Don't know what to write about today. Love and Light.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
4-25-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Group therapy meeting tonight
3. Breathing
4. The Light
5. My wonderful job
6. My car running well
7. Paper and pens and pencils
8. Relaxation
9. My warm jacket
10. Completing this list
I have had a very hard time composing this list today. I don't want to feel grateful today. Things that I normally put on my list like "honoring all my emotions and expressing them" I don't feel grateful about today. I have felt like this in the past, and put it on my list to cultivate feeling grateful for it throughout the day. Using this list as a shift in perspective. And it has worked. Today I want to feel like I am right now. I feel resistant and the therapy I've been through has taught me to push through the resistance. Push through what I'm afraid of. Today I don't want to. Today I want to feel the resistance and fear. Where's the honor of those emotions if I push through them? Maybe I haven't been pushing through, only pushing aside? This is when my logical brain can rationalize anything I want. Resistance means I am resisting feeling my true feelings. My fear is being afraid to express and give voice to my true feelings. Resistance and fear are a reaction to my true feelings. My true feelings are life. Love and Light.
2. Group therapy meeting tonight
3. Breathing
4. The Light
5. My wonderful job
6. My car running well
7. Paper and pens and pencils
8. Relaxation
9. My warm jacket
10. Completing this list
I have had a very hard time composing this list today. I don't want to feel grateful today. Things that I normally put on my list like "honoring all my emotions and expressing them" I don't feel grateful about today. I have felt like this in the past, and put it on my list to cultivate feeling grateful for it throughout the day. Using this list as a shift in perspective. And it has worked. Today I want to feel like I am right now. I feel resistant and the therapy I've been through has taught me to push through the resistance. Push through what I'm afraid of. Today I don't want to. Today I want to feel the resistance and fear. Where's the honor of those emotions if I push through them? Maybe I haven't been pushing through, only pushing aside? This is when my logical brain can rationalize anything I want. Resistance means I am resisting feeling my true feelings. My fear is being afraid to express and give voice to my true feelings. Resistance and fear are a reaction to my true feelings. My true feelings are life. Love and Light.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
4-24-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Cool weather
3. Sleeping well
4. Breathing
5. My wonderful creative job
6. The Light
7. Friends
8. Unconditional love
9. The sun and earth and moon
10. Experience of living
I'm having a hard time feeling grateful today. I'm struggling with resistance to loving and embracing myself. This reach goes into a lot of different parts of my life. I don't embrace myself with love, which is why I'm having a hard time embracing my job. Because I'm not fitting into a prefabricated spot, I come into this job with all of me. All of my talents and abilities. And I've become afraid to let my talents and abilities shine. This is a job that is within my passion. Video production and there is freedom here for me to play and create what I want. And I have been playing solataire all day, resisting, wallowing in fear, making plans to get out, go on to the next place. So, I have hidden the games off my computer. I am here, on this planet, in my life, I'm tired of only existing, time to jump in and live. Love and Light.
2. Cool weather
3. Sleeping well
4. Breathing
5. My wonderful creative job
6. The Light
7. Friends
8. Unconditional love
9. The sun and earth and moon
10. Experience of living
I'm having a hard time feeling grateful today. I'm struggling with resistance to loving and embracing myself. This reach goes into a lot of different parts of my life. I don't embrace myself with love, which is why I'm having a hard time embracing my job. Because I'm not fitting into a prefabricated spot, I come into this job with all of me. All of my talents and abilities. And I've become afraid to let my talents and abilities shine. This is a job that is within my passion. Video production and there is freedom here for me to play and create what I want. And I have been playing solataire all day, resisting, wallowing in fear, making plans to get out, go on to the next place. So, I have hidden the games off my computer. I am here, on this planet, in my life, I'm tired of only existing, time to jump in and live. Love and Light.
Monday, April 23, 2012
4-23-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Use of my body, moving, talking, breathing
3. The Sun, warmth and light
4. The Earth, nature and support
5. All of my emotions and emotional needs
6. Friends
7. Unconditional love
8. The Light
9. Choices and Responsibility
10. Affirmations
I've been doing therapy and personal growth work for many years and there have been many concepts presented to me and I've been doing my best to understand, embrace and transform. One such concept is "I need to love myself." This one I understand on a rational, logical level and over the many years I have struggled to truly feel unconditional love for myself. I have been resistant. And it has physically manifested in how I take care of myself (or more acurately how I don't take care of myself). Both in my home space and in my body. I've wanted it. I've wanted it very badly. I realize that therapy and growth comes in steps. I've had to realize that I have emotional needs. I've used the word need for love and safety and guidance, and not really believed it. It was something I wanted. I couldn't admit that I needed it. Because I needed it at such a young age and didn't get it and that hurt way too much. I am in the process of admitting that I need love. I need safety. I need to love myself. To do that I need to forgive myself for being human and having needs. Some of this stuff, this feeling my way through the process, is really beyond words, beyond explaining it. These words seem to fall short. I'm hoping you will feel my energy and feeling behind it. Love and Light.
2. Use of my body, moving, talking, breathing
3. The Sun, warmth and light
4. The Earth, nature and support
5. All of my emotions and emotional needs
6. Friends
7. Unconditional love
8. The Light
9. Choices and Responsibility
10. Affirmations
I've been doing therapy and personal growth work for many years and there have been many concepts presented to me and I've been doing my best to understand, embrace and transform. One such concept is "I need to love myself." This one I understand on a rational, logical level and over the many years I have struggled to truly feel unconditional love for myself. I have been resistant. And it has physically manifested in how I take care of myself (or more acurately how I don't take care of myself). Both in my home space and in my body. I've wanted it. I've wanted it very badly. I realize that therapy and growth comes in steps. I've had to realize that I have emotional needs. I've used the word need for love and safety and guidance, and not really believed it. It was something I wanted. I couldn't admit that I needed it. Because I needed it at such a young age and didn't get it and that hurt way too much. I am in the process of admitting that I need love. I need safety. I need to love myself. To do that I need to forgive myself for being human and having needs. Some of this stuff, this feeling my way through the process, is really beyond words, beyond explaining it. These words seem to fall short. I'm hoping you will feel my energy and feeling behind it. Love and Light.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
4-19-12 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My back pain at a level "5"
3. Breathing
4. My car running well
5. Held in the Light
6. Experiencing life
7. Unconditional Love
8. Surrender
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Emotional tools
I have back pain today. It might seem strange that I am grateful that my back pain is at a level "5" today. My pain started last night and my pattern when this happens is that my pain starts at it's highest level first and then as time goes on it lessens and I heal. So, I am grateful that it's at a 5, which means I can physically function with the pain. In the past it has started out at a 10 and that means I'm lying on the floor unable to move at all enduring shooting pains throughout my body. I am grateful. I'm also a believer in the mind/body/emotional connecting, so this also lets me know that I have some emotional wounds to process and feel. I am scared of losing my job. I love my job, and part of my job is physical. Tomorrow I need to be very physical and I'm scared of not being able to do it, and scared of injuring myself further. I will heal and the pain will lessen over the next few teams as long as I don't do something to make it worse. I have choices, I always have choices. Working tomorrow is my choice.
Love and Light.
2. My back pain at a level "5"
3. Breathing
4. My car running well
5. Held in the Light
6. Experiencing life
7. Unconditional Love
8. Surrender
9. Choices and responsibility
10. Emotional tools
I have back pain today. It might seem strange that I am grateful that my back pain is at a level "5" today. My pain started last night and my pattern when this happens is that my pain starts at it's highest level first and then as time goes on it lessens and I heal. So, I am grateful that it's at a 5, which means I can physically function with the pain. In the past it has started out at a 10 and that means I'm lying on the floor unable to move at all enduring shooting pains throughout my body. I am grateful. I'm also a believer in the mind/body/emotional connecting, so this also lets me know that I have some emotional wounds to process and feel. I am scared of losing my job. I love my job, and part of my job is physical. Tomorrow I need to be very physical and I'm scared of not being able to do it, and scared of injuring myself further. I will heal and the pain will lessen over the next few teams as long as I don't do something to make it worse. I have choices, I always have choices. Working tomorrow is my choice.
Love and Light.
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