1. My adorable dog
2. Trees and hills
3. Music
4. Therapy session
5. Joy
6. Choices and responsibility
7. Sleeping
8. My car running well
9. Doing my best
10. Unconditional Love
I've been remembering things today. When I first "felt" committment. I always thought it was the act of following through on what you say. The first time I "felt" commitment was November 20th, 2013. And like all my breakthroughs with emotions, it left me. The first time I felt liking myself was a very brief moment to start with, and the first time I felt what letting go really meant only allowed me to be free for a few minutes. And with all of them, I've felt them again and for longer periods of time, I felt them more frequently, and I've had to work at feeling them more and more. Eventually they will become habit, I will feel them more frequently without having to work at them. That's my wish, that's what I believe the pursuit of happiness is. But what if it is always work to feel them. What if they never come naturally. Maybe my pursuit is making the work become natural. Love and Light.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
6-2-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. A gorgeous summer day
3. A long hike in the mountains
4. My car running well
5. My apartment
6. My comfy bed
7. Finding everything at the store for taco soup
8. Choices and responsibility
9. Living in North Georgia
10. Unconditional love
I'm writing this at the end of the day as opposed to my usual morning writing. It was a lot easier tonight and I believe it's because I had a wonderful day, especially my time outside hiking around the mountain. Some things that I needed to get done got done, and other things I needed did not get done. I guess I'm stuck on getting everything done in one day. It's not possible for me and I exhaust myself, or I never start because it's way too much to do. When I spread it out over the week, I forget stuff, or don't get things done before deadlines or when they need to be done and I hurt myself or others. It's life. If I had it all figured out . . . . what? Nobody's ever had it all figured out so why try to imagine what it would feel like. Just feel what I'm feeling now. Keep breathing in and out. I'll live to tomorrow and the next day. Love and Light.
2. A gorgeous summer day
3. A long hike in the mountains
4. My car running well
5. My apartment
6. My comfy bed
7. Finding everything at the store for taco soup
8. Choices and responsibility
9. Living in North Georgia
10. Unconditional love
I'm writing this at the end of the day as opposed to my usual morning writing. It was a lot easier tonight and I believe it's because I had a wonderful day, especially my time outside hiking around the mountain. Some things that I needed to get done got done, and other things I needed did not get done. I guess I'm stuck on getting everything done in one day. It's not possible for me and I exhaust myself, or I never start because it's way too much to do. When I spread it out over the week, I forget stuff, or don't get things done before deadlines or when they need to be done and I hurt myself or others. It's life. If I had it all figured out . . . . what? Nobody's ever had it all figured out so why try to imagine what it would feel like. Just feel what I'm feeling now. Keep breathing in and out. I'll live to tomorrow and the next day. Love and Light.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
6-1-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Trees and hills and cloudy breezes
3. Choices and responsibility
4. Music
5. Art and creativity
6. Friends
7. Breathing
8. Endless opportunities in every moment
9. Writing
10. Unconditional Love
Yet another fresh start. Yet another try at pursuing what I want to do. What if what I want to do is watch 12 hours of TV a day? Old false logic would tell me "that must be what I want because that is what I'm doing." I get so tired . . . . there needs to be another word for it . . . . full of life, maybe? . . . . I say that my back hurts or my head hurts, and that is the case but I'm feeling physical pain because of what I'm feeling. What am I feeling when I accomplish things for myself? I don't know. I'm going to keep trying. Love and Light.
2. Trees and hills and cloudy breezes
3. Choices and responsibility
4. Music
5. Art and creativity
6. Friends
7. Breathing
8. Endless opportunities in every moment
9. Writing
10. Unconditional Love
Yet another fresh start. Yet another try at pursuing what I want to do. What if what I want to do is watch 12 hours of TV a day? Old false logic would tell me "that must be what I want because that is what I'm doing." I get so tired . . . . there needs to be another word for it . . . . full of life, maybe? . . . . I say that my back hurts or my head hurts, and that is the case but I'm feeling physical pain because of what I'm feeling. What am I feeling when I accomplish things for myself? I don't know. I'm going to keep trying. Love and Light.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
5-14-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Trees
3. My car running well
4. Music
5. My apartment
6. Birds singing
7. Soft grass
8. Chanting
9. Drum meditation tonight
10. Love and Light
Looking back on my old lists, I am reminded of being grateful for "choices and responsibility". Currently I'm not able to be grateful for this. I feel like I have made a series of "bad" choices for myself. I have lost my confidence that I am capable of making "good" decisions. I am lost. I choose to be lost. I am the only human that can find my way, my path. I choose to follow the guidance of the great spirit. I felt led to my previous employment, and I had a lot of difficulty and issues with my previous boss. I am afraid to follow another leading. I feel sick today. Love and Light.
2. Trees
3. My car running well
4. Music
5. My apartment
6. Birds singing
7. Soft grass
8. Chanting
9. Drum meditation tonight
10. Love and Light
Looking back on my old lists, I am reminded of being grateful for "choices and responsibility". Currently I'm not able to be grateful for this. I feel like I have made a series of "bad" choices for myself. I have lost my confidence that I am capable of making "good" decisions. I am lost. I choose to be lost. I am the only human that can find my way, my path. I choose to follow the guidance of the great spirit. I felt led to my previous employment, and I had a lot of difficulty and issues with my previous boss. I am afraid to follow another leading. I feel sick today. Love and Light.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
5-13-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. My car running well
3. My apartment
4. Ceiling fans
5. This blog
6. The trees with their new leaves
7. Mountains, curvy roads, hiking trails
8. Friends and family
9. The Light
10. A new day
I have been having a rough time with myself. I have been watching marathon TV sessions, 12 to 13 hours a day. This is not good having entire runs of shows available for me to watch whenever I want. I've been wondering if Al-Anon or AA meetings would mind if I show up with my TV addiction. Facing my own life is hard for me right now. I have lost my confidence in my ability to make good decisions for myself. I am currently unemployed, by my own choice. I left my last job as I lost interest in video production. I start wondering if I was really that interested in it to begin with. I had difficulty with my boss, the owner. The way she ran things was so foreign to me and didn't make sense to me. An 8 to 5 job in a corporate cubicle started looking very good to me. At least there the processes and policies and the way things would get done would make sense to me. I am struggling to get through my days and to not punish myself for wasting so many weeks of TV watching. I feel disappointment in myself in not taking this opportunity to do all the things I complained of not having enough time to do, like learning and playing music, writing another book, organizing my house and making a sacred space. There's just me here, no friends cheering me on, no partner or roommate to help or motivate me. Just me . . . trying to push through the day. Love and Light.
2. My car running well
3. My apartment
4. Ceiling fans
5. This blog
6. The trees with their new leaves
7. Mountains, curvy roads, hiking trails
8. Friends and family
9. The Light
10. A new day
I have been having a rough time with myself. I have been watching marathon TV sessions, 12 to 13 hours a day. This is not good having entire runs of shows available for me to watch whenever I want. I've been wondering if Al-Anon or AA meetings would mind if I show up with my TV addiction. Facing my own life is hard for me right now. I have lost my confidence in my ability to make good decisions for myself. I am currently unemployed, by my own choice. I left my last job as I lost interest in video production. I start wondering if I was really that interested in it to begin with. I had difficulty with my boss, the owner. The way she ran things was so foreign to me and didn't make sense to me. An 8 to 5 job in a corporate cubicle started looking very good to me. At least there the processes and policies and the way things would get done would make sense to me. I am struggling to get through my days and to not punish myself for wasting so many weeks of TV watching. I feel disappointment in myself in not taking this opportunity to do all the things I complained of not having enough time to do, like learning and playing music, writing another book, organizing my house and making a sacred space. There's just me here, no friends cheering me on, no partner or roommate to help or motivate me. Just me . . . trying to push through the day. Love and Light.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
3-9-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Ability to install a wall mount
3. Publishing my book
4. Beautiful spring day
5. Cleaning
6. Taking care of myself
7. Choices and responsibility
8. My car running well
9. My home
10. Good friends
And, of course, Love and Light. I'm having a good dayA good pace of accomplishing things for myself, to take care of me and also to shine my own light. I have become aware of my stomach these last few days. More specifically, the pit of anxiety that resides in my stomach and awareness because it has been such a constant feeling, I really forgot that it was there. It was a status quo type of feeling. Now I am aware of the feeling, and instead of my automatic response of trying to escape it, I now relax into it. I relax the feeling and let myself know that I am safe. I do things to create safe sacred space in my home. And interestingly enough, it is helping and working. I am much less stressed out than I have been in the last 6 months. I moved to a new state and a new job and I'm just now coming down from all that stress and anxiety. Moreso because I have become aware AND decided to change that feeling and take action to change it. Love and Light.
2. Ability to install a wall mount
3. Publishing my book
4. Beautiful spring day
5. Cleaning
6. Taking care of myself
7. Choices and responsibility
8. My car running well
9. My home
10. Good friends
And, of course, Love and Light. I'm having a good dayA good pace of accomplishing things for myself, to take care of me and also to shine my own light. I have become aware of my stomach these last few days. More specifically, the pit of anxiety that resides in my stomach and awareness because it has been such a constant feeling, I really forgot that it was there. It was a status quo type of feeling. Now I am aware of the feeling, and instead of my automatic response of trying to escape it, I now relax into it. I relax the feeling and let myself know that I am safe. I do things to create safe sacred space in my home. And interestingly enough, it is helping and working. I am much less stressed out than I have been in the last 6 months. I moved to a new state and a new job and I'm just now coming down from all that stress and anxiety. Moreso because I have become aware AND decided to change that feeling and take action to change it. Love and Light.
Friday, March 7, 2014
3-7-14 grateful for today
1. My adorable dog
2. Soft pillow, comfortable bed, warm blankets
3. My home
4. My car running well
5. My best friend
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Trees
8. Listening to the birds
9. Love
10. The Light.
I have been doing this list for several years now. And yes, I have fallen away from my daily habit quite a bit. I feel differently about gratitude. Before my list was always things on it that I felt gratitude, but the feeling was so buried under other stuff, the stuff where I was just trying to survive the day. There was the mental exercise of, yes, I am grateful that my car is running well. The feeling would be more like "I'm aware that I am missing the feeling of worrying about my car." That's what I thought gratitude was, the lack of worry. Today I feel that gratitude is more. I decided yesterday that I was going to put my needs first no matter what, I was going to take care of myself first. And today I needed a nap. I laid down in my bed with my dog and the pit of anxiety was growing in my stomach and my head was whirling. I decided to nurture myself. I reminded myself that I have a blanket on to be warm and help me feel safe. I was grateful that my pillow was soft. I watched the dog as he relaxed and slowly drifted off to sleep, with his eyes barely closing. I heard the birds singing in the trees. And I allowed myself to feel joy. I enjoyed being grateful for these things, and my home, and myself. I take care of me first. Love and Light.
2. Soft pillow, comfortable bed, warm blankets
3. My home
4. My car running well
5. My best friend
6. Endless possibilities in every moment
7. Trees
8. Listening to the birds
9. Love
10. The Light.
I have been doing this list for several years now. And yes, I have fallen away from my daily habit quite a bit. I feel differently about gratitude. Before my list was always things on it that I felt gratitude, but the feeling was so buried under other stuff, the stuff where I was just trying to survive the day. There was the mental exercise of, yes, I am grateful that my car is running well. The feeling would be more like "I'm aware that I am missing the feeling of worrying about my car." That's what I thought gratitude was, the lack of worry. Today I feel that gratitude is more. I decided yesterday that I was going to put my needs first no matter what, I was going to take care of myself first. And today I needed a nap. I laid down in my bed with my dog and the pit of anxiety was growing in my stomach and my head was whirling. I decided to nurture myself. I reminded myself that I have a blanket on to be warm and help me feel safe. I was grateful that my pillow was soft. I watched the dog as he relaxed and slowly drifted off to sleep, with his eyes barely closing. I heard the birds singing in the trees. And I allowed myself to feel joy. I enjoyed being grateful for these things, and my home, and myself. I take care of me first. Love and Light.
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