2-23-11 grateful for today

1. New experiences on my path
2. New, more complete perspectives on everyday experiences
3. Being present in the moment
4. My adorable dog
5. Acupuncture
6. Eating
7. Breathing
8. Choices and opportunities
9. Love
10. Healing

Today I will be working on extinguishing my fear and shame. An everyday necessary activity that I turned into punishment of myself. Eating. I continued the patterns I learned and created from my childhood. There wasn't much I could do as a kid. Putting things in my mouth was horrible and I made eating one of those horrible things. 35 years later and I'm strong enough and faced my beliefs last night. And I'm strong enough to face them every meal. I am relearning to nurture and care for myself with food. I am experiencing what having food in my mouth feels like, what chewing and tasting is all about. I never was present or aware before. I did the psychological equivalent of closing my eyes and holding my nose and shoveling the food in and completing the evil deed with as much detachment. It's where survival instinct took over and it didn't matter what I ate, just that I survived. I would eat until the food tasted as disgusting as I felt. I would eat not knowing what full or hungry felt like or not know how much. Now, I am strong to choose and be aware of what goes into my mouth. I am safe. Finally, I am safe.
Love and light.